Hi Abby,

I hope that by the time you read this you and the man you are dating have discovered a solid and unbreakable bond, more than you have now as you work through this. I concur with Anita, that “we as humans can’t help but bring our past into our future.” I refer to this as looking in the rear view mirror of our mind, sort of a metaphor for seeing the past. I have experience with this sort of thing that I hope you find helpful. Some people on this forum have read my history before so to them I apologize if it seems redundant, but it was, and continues to be a strong tool to help me. When I was in Afghanistan for 13 months straight I was wondering why I got 3 letters from her while everyone else got one every 3-4 days. Sometimes a package was included for them. On the 13th month I got injured very badly. I was paralyzed from the waste down for 9 months. It took over a year of rehab in Germany to finally walk without help. I finally went home only to discover why I got only 3 letters in 13 months. My daughter, who was 6 at the time, was unbelievably happy to see me. I’ll never forget her smile and hug. About a week later I discovered my wife was playing wife with some other guy with whom she works with. Needless to say they got married. At the time my anger was off the charts. One of the many expressions of that anger was I was emotionally disconnected-to everyone. Even with the future relationships I tried to maintain. The thoughts that roamed my head on a daily basis were evil on a level you couldn’t imagine. So here I was, just returning from a foreign country where as a corpsman for the Marines there was a $250,000.00 bounty on my head, I had been in rehab, and wanted to return to my family and grow as a family. All that happened is that I was homeless for nearly 4 months. I must add that I was and always have been alcohol and drug free. Many returning vets cannot free themselves of that. That was a long time for me even tough there are thousands of vets who are going on years of being homeless. Somehow I finally got in control of myself and eventually turned my life around 180 degrees. Needless to say I had years of anger because of this. I was on a new mission to find a way to get rid of this anger. As time went on I found many extremely helpful ways to cope with this and eventually reduce that anger to near zero as possible. I did years of counseling because I did not want to have this anger become something permanent in my life. I did hypnotherapy which was very helpful, and very cool too. I’m addicted to meditation which has become my main mode of coping. I have been emotionally over my ex, but I still remain emotionally not over the emotions although I have those thoughts nearly eliminated. Sometimes my current g/f says she feels disconnected from me and I know this is happening. It is due in part to the PTSD and what my ex did. When she brings it up I tell her how grateful I am to her for letting me know. When I drift toward the feeling of feeling disconnected I feel like that by not talking to her is tantamount to a ship passing a safe harbor in a storm. What your b/f is going through is not recognizing you as being his safe harbor in his storm. When I open up to my g/f she recognizes that I am trying to make things not only better for me but for our relationship. I think of opening up to her as “going home,” as in a heart to heart (re)connection.

Maybe when he gets like this you can go to the special place you both enjoy, the beach or park or mountains and kind of make a gesture, like gently tapping on your heart and tell him to “come home.” Let him know he is safe with you and your heart is his home. Let him know, if you have not done so, that you have fears that you are “afraid it will be brought into our future.” But also tell him you are there FOR him, not against him, that you want to see him happy by letting go as much as possible of that event.

I could go on and on but I’ll spare you the babbling. I wish you both all the love, peace, and happiness that life has to offer for an eternity longer than a lifetime. It is the least you both deserve.

Pearce

Abby,

I just read your reply to Anita and when you said, ” He refuses to go to a lot of his daughter’s school functions, simply because he does not want to be around his ex.” I cannot help but agree with you 100% when you said, “I do not agree with those actions, and I think they are a little bit immature.” Perhaps my earlier response would have been slightly different had I known this. His actions of not attending “a lot of his daughter’s school functions” is weak, very weak. No excuse for that. Children do not forget this. Even though he is not present at his daughter’s home, no matter what happened between him and his ex, he is STILL a father and his responsibilities to that fact do not go away. He can surely deny them. But how is it right that his daughter be punished for not being responsible for what happened? Gawd that breaks my heart…

Maybe you could book an appointment with a counselor with IPT training (see cut & paste job below) & ask your partner to join you for support or to help clarify some of the issues/problems your experiencing (and yes I mean your personal stuff, not his). I’ve always found that no one, including myself, likes to be told what to do/think/feel etc. But if someone loves & cares for you, they will want to help you deal with your own sh** in any way possible. Being open about your own vulnerability & insecurities has an amazing follow on effect; you’re partner will want to reciprocate by sharing their own struggles and your honesty has created a safe space for them to do so.

To ensure this is a positive experience and doesn’t result in additional problems, you have to stick to one golden rule:

Focus on one’s own feelings and not the behaviour of your partner. Do not blame or attack your partner for these feeling – that will only cause more problems 🙁

PS – I want to clarify that the above advice isn’t based on a perception that you are an insecure person, in fact you sound extremely switched on and confident about what you want & what you deserve. Blokes are notoriously bad at discussing the tough stuff and have a tendency to shut down or blow up (hate to stereotype but…) and often this is triggered by a perceived attack or rejection, especially after a divorce. My sister’s been happily married for 6 years and has a beautiful 3 year old – her husband had an extremely tumultuous relationship with his ex-wife and little to no custody of their 4 year old girl…. until he hooked up with my sister and things gradually improved. Now they share almost 50/50 custody and they can communicate without arguments or toxic, hurtful words (my sister and his ex-wife have even managed to find common ground & happily attend school functions with a united front…. after a recent school play my sister remarked that the ex was “hilarious” and they shared a very similar sense of humour. Yep, amicable divorces are possible, they just take time and commitment.

Interpersonal Therapy

Interpersonal therapy, as the name suggests, focuses on the impact that people’s communication patterns, social interactions, and relationships with others play in various problems.

Learning to express emotions in an appropriate and healthy manner is also an important part of interpersonal therapy. It’s also important to examine the impact that clients’ mood, anxiety, and behaviors may be having on their relationships with others. By exploring these issues, clients can make adjustments in the way they interact with others so that not only do their relationships benefit, but their emotional struggles do as well. Through the process, clients also learn to look at their relationships more objectively, which also helps benefits them emotionally.

Interpersonal Therapy Techniques

There are a variety of techniques used in IPT. They include:

Supportive listening – As the name suggests, the therapist listens closely to your issues, experience, and concern, in a matter that is supportive rather than judgmental or critical. This helps establish rapport, creates a safe therapeutic atmosphere, and helps you feel more comfortable opening up in therapy.

Clarification – Your therapist will use clarification to help you identify and understand how your own personal biases and misperceptions are playing a role in your interpersonal issues. Clarification also helps identify patterns in how you feel and think when interacting with others.

Role playing – Role playing involves acting out potential scenarios that will enable you to look at things from a different perspective, as well as practice new behaviors during therapy sessions. For example, the therapist may take on the role of a close friend or family member with whom there is frequent conflict, while you try out different ways of interacting. Role playing also allows you to explore and discuss the emotions you experience during certain interactions. What you learn from role play can then be applied in real life situations outside of therapy.

Communication analysis – Communication analysis is probably one of the most important techniques used in IPT. This involves the therapist having you recall, in detail, a troubling interaction you had with someone in your life. Important details include the tone of voice, hand gestures, body language, and specific statements that were made by you and the other person. This enables the therapist to identify problematic communication patterns that are common in depressed individuals, such as passive behavior that leads to resentment or feeling used by others. These unhealthy patterns serve to reinforce the depression. For example, if you feel worthless or disrespected when others take advantage of you, one of the goals of therapy may be to learn to stand up for yourself and express your feelings in a calm, appropriate manner.

Decision analysis – This technique involves exploring and learning new ways in which to resolve conflicts and other problems that occur in your relationships with others. As you discuss alternative options, you’ll also consider the possible outcomes of using them. This will enable you to choose courses of action which are most likely to yield desired results.

Identifying emotions – Many individuals find it difficult to identify the emotions they’re actually experiencing, particularly if they’re used to suppressing those feelings. For example, sadness may be misinterpreted as anger, and vice versa. Learning to identify your emotions objectively – i.e. without bias, judgment, or moralizing them (i.e. labeling them as “good” or “bad”) – is a valuable skill.   When you judge yourself harshly for feeling a certain way, it reinforces depression.

Expressing emotions appropriately – Most people experience painful and / or intense emotions from time to time – particularly during difficult interactions with others.   If they’re expressed in an unhealthy manner, it typically makes a conflict much worse. During IPT, you can experience uncomfortable emotions in a safe setting, learn how to accept them, and learn how to express them in a healthy, appropriate manner.

Addressing past issues – Although not a focus of therapy, there may be times when discussing past relationships that are impacting your current interactions is essential to moving forward. This can also help identify problematic patterns that stem from those past issues.

Benefits of IPT
There are many potential benefits to be gained from interpersonal therapy:

• More positive and healthy relationships with others
• A rapid decrease in symptoms
• Improved problem-solving skills
• Greater ability to manage and work through grief and loss
• Healthy coping skills that will continue to benefit individuals long after therapy
• Enhanced communication skills
• Greater ability to express emotions appropriately
• Increased self-awareness of problematic interpersonal patterns
• Decrease in anger and hostility
• Decrease in behavior patterns that are self-destructive
• More stable mood

Dear Abby:

You wrote: “this situation hits home for me”- this means you were triggered and once triggered your personal past experience and his current situation got of mixed in your mind. Part of what you see as his situation, is accurate, and part is not accurate. It is a challenge to separate the two. (He is not the only one then who “does not get past his emotions”- you do too).

Your boyfriend not attending his daughter’s school events are probably hurtful to his daughter compared to a situation where he would attend and the interactions with his wife during the event would appear friendly. On the other hand, if his ex wife has been very rude to him during those events, and he is unable to endure it, and the hostility is evident, then it is better that he doesn’t attend the events, not when she is there.

I suppose it would have been better for you too if your parents did not get together at all- there wouldn’t be arguments and hostility if they weren’t “together in the same room”.

anita