Vanessa,

I’m sorry to hear about your friend troubles. I know how hard it can be when friends let us down, disappear, or just generally act in disappointing ways.

I think it’s really great that you’re doing so much self-exploration: trying to find your part, identifying patterns, and attempting to be honest in your relationships. In my opinion you did a wonderful thing by being honest, and opening up to your friend about feelings that you were having. I’m unsure if you did this, but whenever we have resentments like that, it’s helpful to find “our part.” Sometimes we don’t have one, but sometimes we do: maybe it’s unreasonable expectations, maybe it’s failing in the same areas as the other person– and sometimes we don’t have a part. But if you do, it’s helpful to lead with that: for example, “I realize that I expect a lot from you as my best friend. While it’s unfair to put unreasonable expectations on you, I’d like to share what came up for me the other day so that we can work through it.”

Friendships are a bumpy two way street, and it’s understandable to have sensitive days, miscommunications, and issues that crop up. It sounds like your friend wasn’t particularly open to talking and resolving an issue, which is necessary in friendship. They’re messy, and we all make mistakes.

Have you ever made an ideals list? On it you list your ideals in a particular area: for example, an ideal friend. Mine has things like honest, reliable, humorous, and supportive. After making that ideals list you then reflect on each descriptive word, and see if you are “being” an ideal friend. If you see room for improvement on your end, that’s a place to start. Often by demonstrating the qualities that we want, we attract people like that into our circle.

You sound like a really reflective and thoughtful person, and I have no doubt that there are many people out there who would love to be friends with you. I hope that my words helped a bit, but if nothing else just know that you’re not alone: friendship is complicated, and like any relationship, not always easy. Chin up xx

Hi vanessa,

Is your friend a trained therapist? No, of course not! Sometimes we do not know what to say or we say the wrong thing. Or we don’t say enough about a thing or we can’t stop talking about a thing.

Now, my best friend said to me when we were younger, “You think too much” which is a similar statement you received. I realized then and there, “Hey! Maybe I do think to much!” My friend is not perfect and we’ve butted heads over the years, but I did not view her statement as unsupportive. If it was, it was probably due to her own fatigue or her own problems she was immersed in.

Sometimes (especially in texts!) it’s best to take statements at face value.

Remember, the only perfect person that ever lived was Jesus Christ. And only if you believe in that. Know what I mean? Give your friend a break.

Best,

Inky