Hi ALY,

I’m sorry this happened to you.

It sounds like your father-in-law’s death triggered a psychic/emotional breakdown in your husband. This is the age when seemingly grounded, happy, middle age men freak out about their own mortality. So take some small comfort that this “love”, this woman, this affair ~ is not real. Your successful children, the life you built together and the past quarter of a century… THAT was real!

Tell your DH that you wish him the best, that you feel sorry for him, and that you know he’ll come to his senses soon. But that you’ll be long gone on new, bright adventures and happy romances. And though he may fool everyone as he’s trying to fool himself, he’ll still be an aging, mildly panicked man. That Death is (still) Always Coming.

Blessings,

Inky

Aly, this really hurts, and you’re probably never going to get over it completely.  However, if we choose, our woundings tend to make us better people rather than lesser people.  ////  I disagree with Inky.  Your husband’s affair with this other woman could be very real (more than likely it’s not real — it’s probably a mid-life crisis and hormones, but you don’t know that for a fact).  I wouldn’t say anything to your husband, because nothing you say is going to make any difference to him and anything you say is going to make you look bad, so keep quiet and keep your dignity.  Just wish him well, and get on with your own life as best you can.  My two sons quit talking to me 20 years ago.  It hurt for the first couple of years — I couldn’t see my grandchildren, and the holidays was THE worst.  But then I realized — I had my whole life in front of me, and I wasn’t going to waste it.  I went on to have a very good life these past 18 years — and my life gets better and better with each passing year.  It still hurts — at times — but not very often.  And I’d like to think that I’m a better person for all the hard hits I’ve had in life. ////  Find a good lawyer and get divorce proceedings started.  If he ever decides he wants to come back — cross that bridge if and when it comes.  In the meantime, get on with the process of grieving and get on with your life.  If you can afford it, professional counseling would be great.  Sure helped me for the first couple of years.  I wish you the very best.