“Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it.” ~Jess Lair
There was a time when I could turn almost any positive feedback into something negative.
I don’t know if this was my attempt to confirm my unworthiness or my belief that people were usually hurtful, but I had a knack for distorting people’s words to avoid accepting praise.
If someone found me after a play and said I was a talented singer, I wondered if she was really thinking about my subpar dancing.
If a teacher told me that I showed promise and reminded him of my sister, I assumed he meant that I was a second-rate version of the student he met first.
In short, I thought very little of myself, and constantly looked for proof that everyone else did, too.
You might not be able to relate to the low self-esteem that I once had, but maybe you’ve also negated praise before. I hear people do it all the time—and sometimes I find myself doing it, too—with phrases like, “It was nothing,” and “I just got lucky,” and “He was just being nice.”
We all like and need to feel valued and appreciated, so why is it sometimes so hard to simply smile and say “Thank you”?
I suspect there are times when we disbelieve what others say; after all, people occasionally say flattering things just to be kind. Other times we may question their motives or downplay our achievements because we’re fishing for more confirmation—or attempting to appear humble.
But it might also have to do with vulnerability. Accepting a compliment is akin to receiving validation, and no one wants to reveal that validation is something they want or need.
Whatever the case may be, when we reject positive feedback, we rob ourselves the opportunity to feel valued and appreciated, and deny the other person the joy of honoring us.
We all need to be on both sides of that coin. We need to see and be seen for the light we have to offer the world—so why not give that gift to ourselves and other people?
So today I propose a challenge for you and for me: receive all compliments without questioning them, analyzing them, or negating them. Simply accept it, and know that you deserve it.
Photo by ingridtaylar
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Someone taught me that some years ago – if someone compliments you, does something for you, offers you a gift – say thank you. And then shut up. Don’t make an excuse (“oh this old thing”), just say thank you. It took a while to start believing what they said, and still is a struggle, but the more I believe, the more I end up being empowered to do things I wouldn’t have done in the past. Funny how that works 🙂 With your words of wisdom, I would also encourage people to accept physical gifts that are given – I’m constantly amazed at how many people put their hands up and say no, no, sometimes even outright rejecting the giver. i.e. if someone makes you homemade jam, you take it. No one’s making you eat it, and you can give it to a friend or family if you don’t like it, but you don’t say “I don’t eat sweets”. Amazing how just smiling and thanking them, instead of rejecting the gift and thereby making them feel rejected.
You know I’ve thought about this often for the past few months – that I need to get better at accepting compliments. To be honest, I very rarely ever get compliments (other than from my kids and for that I am grateful they are so kind). Do you think that it takes an act of vulnerability to give them as well and maybe that’s why so few people seem to be giving them? Realizing how few I get, I’ve been trying to give more honest compliments to other people.
I’ve always thought it’s a cultural thing till I read this! I’ve never quite known how to accept compliments because being Asian, my parents have always emphasized on being humble. But now I make a conscious effort to accept compliments and say thank you, even when a little voice inside me still sometimes nags that I don’t deserve the compliment.
Thank you! This really contained a special message for me.
It’s good to accept the praise and add details to it, for example ” that’s a nice suit”. Why thank you I just bought this from macys, I am glad you noticed it.
I all those things you’ve said. I will take the challenge you set. Thank you
You are most welcome!
I think it’s definitely a vulnerable feeling to give a compliment, particularly if you have a lot of experience giving them and having them rejected. It can feel awkward to acknowledge something and have the person seem unwilling to receive it. (I’ve been on both sides of this coin!) Nowadays, when someone compliments me and I feel they really mean it, it makes a big difference for me. It’s just nice when someone takes the time to recognize and appreciate something!
That’s a great way to do it. =) I’ve actually done that a few times, mostly because I like telling stories–hence my choice to be a writer!
You’re most welcome. =)
You bring up a great point. I’ve had a few readers ask to send me gifts and cards–and there have been times when I’ve felt guilty about it, as if I’m somehow putting them out (even though they offered!) But their words and tokens of appreciation have meant a lot to me. It’s funny how rejecting someone can actually seem like doing the right thing, as if you’re saving someone time and effort, even though they obviously want to do it.
That’s great that you’ve challenged that instinct. I’ve gotten into the habit of putting my hands together when I say thank you after receiving a compliment. It’s my way of honoring them for honoring me.
I was taught in 2011 that in Africa, when a compliment is paid, the recipient usually answers, “It’s true, thank you”. A friend and I decided to start practicing this and regularly reply to each other “it’s true, thank you.” … usually followed by fits of laughter but we’re getting better at it 🙂
@SpiritualNurse:twitter
I read something several years ago that said when you push back on a compliment, it’s like refusing a gift from someone, and that you should think about how you would feel if someone refused a gift you were offering to them. Their recommendation — smile and say, “Why, thank you!” If you feel the need to add more, feel free to say, “It’s really sweet of you to say that!” I’ve been practicing this ever since then. You know, it’s a beautiful thing to be able to truly accept the gift of someone’s compliment. And every time I feel like I should say, “… but I really don’t deserve your praise…” I just bite my tongue and change it to, “I really appreciate your saying that!”
I think it definitely helps to remember that people enjoy seeing our enjoyment and appreciation when we receive gifts–since it also feels good to receive them, why not simply appreciate and show it?
Wow. I needed to read this. That is very similar to reading my own story. It was extremely difficult in the beginning to accept a compliment or praise. But little by little I’ve grown to say Thank you. Rarely, I forget to say “thank you” because I’ve grown so accustomed to denying the compliments and praises growing up. But at least I’m working on it little by little. Yes, we do need these praises/compliments in life to feel and accept them in order to feel valued and loved. And true, I thought its a cultural thing too. I’m a pacific islander and our culture is very similar to Asian, so we’re raised to deny these compliments and be humble. But as humans with emotions and feelings, we do need these praises and compliments to raise our esteem and confidence. Not to be full of ourselves but a simple “thank you” back is enough. Excellent article. Glad I read it! =)
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences Ralli. I’m glad you enjoyed this post!
compliments complete you
Pending the comment, I think it’s wrong to criticize someone for rejecting unwanted and unwarranted praise. It can be hurtful and simply rude. One also doesn’t need to “thank” the person either. One can kindly either reject it or ignore it all together and move on.