Dating with an STI- emotional roller coaster

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This topic has 53 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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July 12, 2017 at 11:33 am #157708

Anonymous
Inactive

Hi everyone.

I finally met someone I truly like, and I know he really likes me back. Our last day I disclosed my HSV2. He seemed to be ok with it, and told me he used to get cold sores, so obviously has HSV1. I don’t think he knows a lot about it though. I tried to tell him all the facts that I knew…but was also honest that I was scared it was going to drive him away etc. He said that he really likes me, just think he wanted to do some research etc.

He text me as soon as he got home, said he was looking forward to our next date.

Then I could feel him pulling away a bit and I just got this message from him: ‘Hey sorry for being so busy yesterday. I’ll call you over the next few days. I’ve needed some time to think. My apologies’.

I immediately broke down and started crying, and am still crying. I dont know what to think of that message. I don’t want to lose him. Especially just over this.
I text him back and just said it was ok, and that I understand…and also said I hope this wasn’t it but would respect whatever his decision would be.’

He responded by saying ‘I already like you so much’. And I said “i really like you a lot too. Again, i’m an open book, so let me know if you have any questions. Take all the time you need”.

And that was our conversation. Now I have to sit here and wait, when Im just expecting him to tell me he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.
I dont know what to do.

dating with an STI has been a night mare and is really taking a toll on me. I know I’m worthy of a good relationship but hate that this thing can make a guy run away.

July 12, 2017 at 1:20 pm #157754

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

I like your communication with him. He reads like a decent guy, from the limited communication you shared here and in a previous thread. What you quotes as your message to you is so honest, kind and straightforward, no wonder he likes you so much.

I hope he responds positively. I personally know of a person with HSV2 who received the positive response you are hoping to get from a potential partner who proceeded to be an actual partner.

anita

July 12, 2017 at 3:19 pm #157800

Anonymous
Inactive

Thanks Anita! He is a very decent guy that’s why I’m so scared to lose him.

Only time will tell I suppose if he can accept it.

July 13, 2017 at 5:27 am #157862

Inky
Participant

Hi Heartbrokengurl,

Everyone has something, it seems, that could be construed as a “deal breaker”.

I suggest, yes, disclose it, BUT…

Downplay it and mention it in passing.

“By the way, I had issues with an STI problem, no biggie, just have to be careful” versus “I HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS Relationship Killing THING… If you have any questions after your thorough research, feel free to contact me anytime, day or night…”

A lot of it is in the delivery. If you don’t treat it like it’s a big deal, other people will take your cue.

This guy may or may not continue a relationship with you, and it may have nothing to do with your STI going forward. One day you may also meet someone who says, “Me too!”

Good Luck,

Inky

July 13, 2017 at 10:20 am #157912

Anonymous
Inactive

Well good news (I think). He messaged me last night saying he would like to talk in person. I feel like if he was going to end things he would just do so over the phone? But he is a really sweet caring guy so he still could just be ending it in person.

He mentioned that he was really looking forward to seeing me so I’m trying to believe that it’s a good thing and it might be ok. We will see tomorrow when we talk…

July 13, 2017 at 12:22 pm #157946

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

Reads to me like a decent guy! He values you enough to talk to you in person. Even if it is a No, it is still respectful. Keep yourself as calm as possible until tomorrow, do something calming, distract yourself in a healthy way. I hope his response is positive and hope to read from you tomorrow (you are welcome to post anytime).

anita

July 18, 2017 at 9:41 am #158794

Anonymous
Inactive

Good news! I went and spoke with him and we had a really good talk. He’s never been in this situation before so just needed some time to take it in. I told him I was worried he wouldn’t want to see me anymore and he said that thought never crossed his mind. We had such an amazing evening, and I saw him again last night.

I thought we might have taken the next step last night but he said he still needs some time to absorb the information before we have sex.

Im now a little worried that eventually he just won’t be able to accept it, even though he says that’s not the case.

Im scared of getting hurt now because I’m so invested, but it feels so right and he’s told me many times how much he likes me, that he’s told his friends about met etc.

July 18, 2017 at 10:20 am #158808

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

I appreciate the update. I thought about you on the 14th, the day after your post before last, hoping you were okay. The situation does read favorable to me, him taking his time. I can’t predict the future, of course, but his attitude and taking his time reads good to me. I hope you post again when you have some news, or anytime otherwise.

anita

July 19, 2017 at 12:14 pm #159022

Amber
Participant

Heartbrokengurl:

I too was diagnosed with the same. I was married for 8+ years and we both had HSV2. After my divorce it was the most depressing time of my life. I remember thinking about having to tell someone I was dating about what I had. I’d read forums and how people overcome it but it was extremely difficult. I met a wonderful man who accepted it and we’re still together (a year later) and are still deeply in love. We use all precautions so that he doesn’t contract it. I completely understand what you are going through. Having to disclose what I had so early on was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do. It took great courage just as you had in order to tell him. For me, things worked out perfectly and I think the same will for you. If not, it’s his loss, not yours.

July 21, 2017 at 1:04 pm #159468

Anonymous
Inactive

Thank you for that!! That does give me some hope.

I think he still might be struggling with it, but know he really does like me so I hope he can come to terms with it eventually :(. It’s hard not to worry but whatever will be will be.

July 21, 2017 at 1:34 pm #159470

Amber
Participant

Heartbrokengurl:

Your exactly right! If he doesn’t, then oh well. There are people out there who either have the same diagnosis or will accept you knowing you have it. I didn’t disclose what I was diagnosed with until we were dating for a few months and we were getting ready to be intimate. Thankfully for me, it worked out and it will for you to. Even if it didn’t work out with him, I would of still been perfectly fine. Keep me posted!!!

July 24, 2017 at 10:13 am #159922

Anonymous
Inactive

We finally took that next step and he seems to be ok with it now! 🙂

we had such a great day and time together and I’m totally falling for him.

I know he really likes me too, but I’m still feeling that anxiety that he’s going to leave me. I’m scared to get too excited because of my fear of losing him. I wish I could just enjoy it and trust that it’s going to work out.

July 24, 2017 at 10:39 am #159932

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

I am so glad to read your last post. Knowing anxiety from my personal experience, it doesn’t just go away and stays away. No matter how much I wish it did. And so, enjoy this new relationship best you can, enjoy the calm moments you do experience. And when anxiety hits, don’t be surprised. Relax best you can, distract yourself with some healthy activity (walk, music, a good movie, sun, etc.)

anita

July 25, 2017 at 7:31 pm #160208

Anonymous
Inactive

Hi Anita thank you so much!

yes I’m trying to remember that anxiety doesn’t ever truly go away.

Im trying my best not to let my insecurities get in the way. Every time I get a text from him that comes across a bit short or not really like him, I get extremely anxious and my heart starts racing and immediately assume the worst and think he’s going to break up with me.

Now that he has accepted my STI it’s like I’m looking for things to sabotage it or give myself other reasons why he wouldn’t want to be with me.

I always want to ask him if everything is ok, but I know I shouldn’t and I haven’t. He had to cancel a dinner tomorrow because of his work schedule and I immediately thought ‘well I guess he doesn’t want to see me anymore.’ But then I asked him if we are still getting together on Sunday and he said ‘yes later in the afternoon cutie :)’.

I don’t know why I can’t just relax and trust that I’m good enough for him and he wants to be with me. I’m trying everything in my power not to come off as insecure and ask too many questions and give him his space as not to smother him.

I feel like this anxiety is taking over my day to day life and i can’t stop having these thoughts he’s going to leave me.

Sorry for the ramble I just needed to vent! 🙂

July 26, 2017 at 5:46 am #160252

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

Vent anytime. You fear his rejection of you, and you live under this threat, fear ongoing, triggered often.

The danger itself, the possible rejection, the termination of this new relationship- is it really dangerous? Your fear reaction, heart racing, indicates danger, but are you really in danger?

anita
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