“A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.” ~Zen Shen
Wow, you’re a bit of a loser compared to this guy, aren’t you, Will?
He’s winning at life—great job, great house, obviously making better money than you.
I sigh deeply and continue scrolling.
He takes care of himself, no Buddha belly, unlike you.
It’s true. I begin to feel like a useless lump. I keep scrolling.
No yellow and crooked teeth, either.
“His teeth are pretty straight,” I think to myself, staring at the guy’s mouth on the screen.
Damn right, they’re straight, like tic-tacs coming out of his gums. Perfect and white, not like yours.
I sigh once again and continue to scroll on Facebook.
—
Above is a typical dialogue between what I refer to as my Gremlin and me.
Does this voice sound familiar to you?
I’m talking about the troublesome terror that pops up like an unwelcome guest at the front door.
This nasty voice that loves to commentate and condemn—the voice that leaves us feeling unworthy and inferior, if we listen long enough. This, my friends, is the Gremlin of Self-Comparison.
I Imagine how different an exchange would unfold if it were another person (outside of my head) giving me the bashing.
If, for example, I was sitting on a park bench and a complete stranger walked up to me and said, ”Hey loser,” before pointing out how those around were superior to me. I imagine I’d walk off confused and leave this stranger alone after his unprovoked attack.
”Who is he to talk about me like that? He doesn’t even know me!” I would say to myself as I walk off.
I’d tell myself he must be deeply unhappy to treat other people this way, and I certainly wouldn’t take his comments to heart.
Most of us wouldn’t. We’d either ignore such criticism or defend ourselves.
So, here is the million-dollar question: Why do we accept talking to ourselves like this?
My belief is this: because it feels real, and we believe we are the voice. The truth is, however, we’re the listener, not the speaker.
But the voice of the Gremlin seems like a credible source. I mean, the voice comes from inside of us, why wouldn’t we trust it?
It helps to understand why we compare in the first place.
We are programmed that way. Comparing ourselves to others is a natural and inherent instinct. In prehistoric times this innate ability allowed us to swiftly analyze others and identify possible threats, yet in today’s society these quick critiques could be causing harm rather than preventing it.
Let’s face it: Facebook and Instagram newsfeeds are perfect catalysts for those episodes of self-pity and dissatisfaction, when we’re staring at our phone screens alone late at night, admiring how well everyone else seems to be doing.
We have to wonder, who are the newsfeeds feeding?
Could it be our Gremlins? Our insecurities? Our ego?
It dawned on me a while ago that I will never win playing the game of self-comparison.
No matter how much money I make, there will always be someone richer.
Even if I get in better shape, there will always be someone fitter and stronger.
But just knowing these things doesn’t mean I am able to stop comparing myself to others. I’ve had to accept my Gremlin is here to stay.
So what’s the alternative to trying to win against the Self-Comparison Gremlin?
I do my best to live by the following three mantras, as they serve me well in living with my Gremlin. Not “beating” or “silencing” my Gremlin. Living with him.
1. If I’m going to compare, I will compare who I am today with who I was in the past.
We’re forever growing, learning, and achieving. However, we fail to recognize and celebrate this when we’re listening to the Gremlin and concentrating on other people’s lives. Compared to who I was in the past, today I’m happier, wiser, and stronger. I’ve overcome anxiety, debt, disappointments, and heartbreak, and you know what? I’m still here.
We’ve all had challenges and we’re all still here. When we rate ourselves by the accomplishments of others, we overlook our own successes.
There’s one risk in comparing our current selves to our past selves: When revisiting the past, I may recognize that some areas of my life were better previously than they are now. I then have a choice. If I want to improve this area, I’ll set a goal. If right now I don’t wish to change, I’ll accept where I am. But what I won’t do is focus on everyone else’s progress and feel bad about myself as a result.
2. The people I’m comparing myself to are not flawless.
No matter how infallible and perfect others may seem, I’ll bet good money they have their Gremlins too. We are all equal in life. I’m no better than anybody else but I’m certainly not any worse. It’s important to remember that social media is only a highlight reel.
We all know real life is far more messy, raw, and flawed.
This is the beauty of being human.
3. I love and accept myself as I am right now (including my Gremlin).
Our Gremlins mean us well. Really, they’re trying to protect us by identifying areas where we may be “falling behind.” They’re only cruel because they’re scared—that we’ll somehow miss out if we don’t keep up with other people.
I named mine Colin. What I find helpful about naming the voice is I’m able to check in and ask, “Okay, who is talking up there? Is this my trail of thought or is Colin going off on one?” The more I learn to love Colin and appreciate his good intentions, the less he pops up. When he does, I thank him and send him a little love for being a part of me. I let him know I hear him, although I may not choose to listen.
I do my best to accept myself as I am, with my Buddha belly and less than perfect teeth. Because our imperfections make us who we are. My new favorite word currently is flawsome—meaning we are all awesome despite our flaws. Cool, right?
Wouldn’t life be boring if we were all exactly the same? Plus, if we were all exactly the same, perhaps there wouldn’t be any more Gremlins, and to be honest, I kind of like mine now.
About Will Aylward
Will helps people around the world to feel more confident, calm, and fulfilled, without them having to fake it. He is the author of Becoming Unstuck: Your Step by Step Guide to Taking Charge of Your Life. Learn more at willaylward.com
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I liked this advice.
I this age of instant information I guess it would be natural you use some of it to compare yourself to others.
Good advise to devise a system to keep that information in perspective. Apples to apples. Staring point and progress.
Really needed this! Thank you, very helpful, especially about naming the gremlin. It feels like that may make it easier to accept the voice and see that it’s not me.
Thank you so much for this Will! Excellent post with great ideas to help me live with my Gremlin. One thing my gremlin does is put people down in an attempt to feel better about myself. To combat this, I have started looking at every person and seeing something beautiful about them. Everyone has something unique, beautiful, strange and wonderful about them, including me, and I find this helps bring everything into perspective. Say hi to Colin for me!
I loved your article Will, very helpful,
thank you!!
Will, nice article. I appreciate your point about comparing yourself to who you were in the past. I think that shift in thinking can be really powerful. Instead of trying to STOP the behavior of comparison with others, it can sometimes be easier to START a more healthy behavior like the one you mentioned.
The best advice I ever got from a teacher was ‘to be the best YOU that you can be- ‘a perfect you is not a perfect me’ Makes more sense all the time.
That’s some great advice from your teacher there, Sian.
Hey Ian,
Thanks for your comment! You’re spot on there, it can sometimes be easier to start a more healthy behaviour. Let’s face it, it’s a losing battle to resist comparison- why not form a behaviour that serves us 🙂
Thank you, Amrita. I appreciate your comment 🙂 thanks for reading.
Hey Melanie,
Thank you for your comment and thank you for reading. That’s a beautiful place to come from, looking at every person and seeing something beautiful about them 🙂 I recently read a book called ‘The Charisma Myth’ and the author suggests imagining the people you’re speaking with having Angel wings. I thought this was a powerful tool for reminding us we’re all full of beauty and wonder.
All the best, Will (and Colin)
You’re welcome, Amanda. Do you have any ideas on a name for your Gremlin? Thanks for reading and I’m happy I could serve you.
Thabk you so much for this Will. I’ve had the voice of (not so reasonable) reason in my head for years and can go back and pinpoint so many decisions I made based on her fears. One of my biggest challenges is not dwelling on the past and feeling guilty. ‘I’ know I can only move forward, it’s that little old gremlin holding me back. But now that I’ve read this, I’m going to give her a name and take your advice by embracing her. She shall be Margaret. Wish me luck!
great article thanks Will!
Hey Jennifer,
Thank you for reading and for your comment 🙂 I hope embracing her will serve you and that feeling of being held back lessens. Wishing you all the best, Will
You’re most welcome 🙂
I have been thinking about the idea of comparing myself only to who I was yesterday and who I want to be tomorrow. Thanks for reinforcing that. (I also quit social media several months ago and have LOVED the quiet.)
Will, your points above are great. I especially found new and epiphanous two things you wrote. Firstly, your contrast of the comparison Gremlin given an outside person’s voice, versus the “credible” inner voice… powerful illustration. Secondly, I think your idea of “living” with the Gremlin–borne of human instinct–versus eliminating it, is VERY important.
On this second point, In many instances I think people have a belief and expectation for themselves and others that they should and can transcend or eliminate thoughts, reactions,perceptions that stem from human instinct–are automatic, primal responses, bred in the bone. In our often binary thinking, these are to be overcome, like putting out a stove’s pilot light–by conscious and rational. enlightened thought–not accepted and integrated into one’s wider perspective on the topic. For example, and at the risk of controversy, it may well be for example that we are wired in primal parts of our minds to like people similar to ourselves, and dislike/create “other” for people differently than us, instinctively. It may be that there are fundamental differences in the biological imperatives set in men and women. Globally, youth and health are universal signals of attractiveness for humans, which makes sense. However, we too are social animals that live in a culture and historical social situations, so that lenses of values and morality and context get layered into our perspectives…. and can look at a bigger picture.
What is key is, not to beat yourself up over the baser thoughts, understand them admit them and put them in a wider perspective. Guilt, dissonance, and denial are artifacts of those who deny what’s going on in their minds. Accepting your true self, distasteful, tasteful and transcendent – will help you love and accept yourself.
“I’ve overcome anxiety, debt, disappointments, and heartbreak, and you know what? I’m still here.
We’ve all had challenges and we’re all still here. When we rate ourselves by the accomplishments of others, we overlook our own successes.”
Thank you so much for that, Will. The most important thing to remember. I’m still here.
wow.
I feel so positive after reading this 🙂 I’d like to thank you ❤️