Home→Forums→Relationships→why wasn't it enough
- This topic has 7 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 5 months ago by
Eliana.
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June 6, 2017 at 8:30 am #152100
Avery TerabassiParticipantHi everyone,
This is my first time here. I’m here because I am so hurt and confused and scared and I’m not really sure what to do. I dated my boyfriend for around 3 years. We had been doing long distance for the past year and things were getting tough. He basically broke up with me in a text at the end of April saying we were fighting too much. He said we could talk when I came home in May. Two weeks later he had a new girlfriend. When I brought it up to him he came back at me with insults including how i’m not a fun person and that our sex life wasn’t enough for him. I was devastated and cut off all contact. About a week ago he came to me saying that he had been having drug problems for the past six months and that he had finally decided to get help and that he wanted to work things out. I was skeptical but decided to give him a second chance. Then all of a sudden he stops answering. I tried to contact him many times and he responded in such a hurtful manner. I am starting to think that he is getting back with that other girl. I am so confused and hurt. Is she better than me? Are the drugs better than me? He’s the only real boyfriend I have ever had and I’m not sure how to let go. Does he even miss? Will he miss me? I’m so scared to try to do this alone. Does anyone have any advice? I feel like I am going to die.
June 6, 2017 at 9:12 am #152112
AnonymousGuestDear Avery Terabassi:
I hope you feel better soon!
You wrote: “he came back at me with insults including how i’m not a fun person… Then all of a sudden he stops answering… and he responded in such a hurtful manner.”
Next your thoughts are about “that other girl… Is she better than me? Are the drugs better than me?”
If you take a thinking step back, think about him insulting you, suddenly not answering and being hurtful- it is not about the other girl, not even about the drugs- it is about him mistreating you.
He mistreated you not because you weren’t enough (the title of your thread). This means that trying to be more enough will not solve the problem: his mistreatment and unreliability.
anita
June 6, 2017 at 9:14 am #152114AnonymousGuest* didn’t submit correctly…
June 6, 2017 at 12:57 pm #152174
ElianaParticipantHi Avery,
You stated he was the only real boyfriend you ever had..but it sound to me, he wasn’t much of a boyfriend at all. Please don’t second guess yourself, you did nothing wrong, and you have him many chances, to make it right, but he did not respect you enough, and he is not ready to be in a commuter relationship at this time.
I Try to find something to make you feel good about yourself to raise your self esteem. You sound like an awesome person..but you have to believe that. Once you do, you will find healthy men gravitate toward you, because they will see you as a happy independent woman with a wonderful life who doesn’t need a man for happiness, who lives herself and who is happy and secure. Find some hobbies you enjoy, volunteer work, working with animals, join some social clubs and the men will come, the healthy ones, without the drugs and problems and issues. You don’t need that. You deserve better than this guy, remember to never invest any more energy or emotional investment than they spend on you.
June 7, 2017 at 4:49 am #152250
InkyParticipantHi Avery,
I hate when I would lose people for stupid reasons. Drugs are a stupid reason. It was stupid for him to choose drugs over you. And he knows it!
The other girl: Long distance relationships are tough for even the most well balanced, happy person. He’s a young guy (with a problem with addiction) and he messed up and slept with some girl. Another stupid reason. Is she better than you? No, because she’s choosing some cheater on drugs. How good can she be?
So the cheater already feels bad, and perhaps gets a text from you. Plagued with justified guilt, he can’t take it and becomes defensive, and takes it all out on you. Then uses his substance abuse problem to manipulate you back into his orbit. Then blows it again. Big time.
You do not deserve that. You know it. He knows it. And get this. Are you sitting down? He knows you know it!
What you can do is have the definitive last word, and block him everywhere he can reach you before he can respond.
When you do this, when you say through action a definitive NO towards an emotionally abusive, addicted cheater, no other emotionally abusive, addicted cheaters will accidentally spiral into your orbit in the future. Soon, only nice, moderate, faithful people will be in your universe.
Good Luck!
Inky
June 7, 2017 at 10:02 am #152274ElianaParticipantAvery,
- Keep us posted on how things work out..
June 7, 2017 at 7:49 pm #152320
MarkParticipantHi Avery,
I know how you feel. I know what it’s like to allow someone into your life and then watch as drugs start to ruin both of you. Drug addiction is incredibly powerful. To be honest it is probably more powerful than love for another human being. You stop caring about pretty much everyone and just focus on getting high so you don’t feel bad. So you probably either saw him high or feeling bad.
I know that you have gotten comfortable with your love for him. But there is always possibility out there! If you don’t want to jump in, online dating is cool because you can totally control your image and experience. Having coffee with someone can be really worthwhile, even if it doesn’t lead to a match. Also, focusing on doing something you love rather than always thinking about him will help you to begin to move on, which is what you probably need to do to break this cycle of hurt.
Give it like three months. Just three months to be yourself, do what you love, and grow into the person you want to become. Hang in there.
June 8, 2017 at 9:19 am #152366ElianaParticipantHi Avery,
Mark is right. I met my ex-fiance on an online dating site. I also met another man in 1996 on another popular dating site. We talked about marriage but he had to move to a different country for work and things got too complicated. Many people say that online dating services are this or that..or have negative things to say about them, but none of it is true. I know many of my friends have found their spouses through reputable dating sites. Just stay away from the free ones, and just go on the reputable ones. You can do this by googling “The Top 5 Online dating sites” I am not sure If I am allowed to mention them on here. But if you want to e-mail me directly, I will give you the names of some great dating sites.
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