Dear Kayla:

You are not a weirdo for feeling uncomfortable about your roommate having four people over, the noise and all. We feel what we feel: our feelings are automatic mental events. We don’t choose them, and so we are not good or bad, normal or weird for feeling what we feel.

I used to think as well that my feelings made me weird. I didn’t understand why, for one, I was so sensitive to noise, why it bothered me so much while for others, it seemed to be okay. I realized that it happened this way because of past, childhood experiences, that I was screamed at and hated loud voices ever since. Now that is not my fault, is it, that I was screamed at? And so, it is not my fault or a weirdness that I dislike loud sounds and noises as much as I do.

Regarding your future roommate: do you have an choice on the matter of who your next roommate is going to be or is it predetermined for you?

If you have a choice, you can interview her. If you don’t have a choice, that is another matter. Let me know.

anita

Hi Kayla,

When I was a uni student, I lived in a situation like yours. I had housemates who were very extroverted, bringing boyfriends and friends over, playing loud music, etc.

I stayed in my room most of the time when my housemate had friends over. Only when I’d to go to the common living room, kitchen (and meet the other people) I’d just say hello, asked how was their day before I went back to my room (i.e. my sanctuary).

During the times I had important exams/presentations I’d just tell my current housemate politely I had those on, and would ask her when her exams, etc on, just so I would make sure I didn’t disturb her (this was just courtesy). I’ve had situations I had no choice but to knock on my (previous) housemate’s door to ask her (plus friends) to lower their music due to me having exams. It didn’t help the walls of the apartment were thin!

When things got noisy, playing music with  earplugs on was my best friend.

I lived with housemates for 5 years, then decided when I was working to live on my own (mainly because I was also tired of some negative experiences I’d gone through living with other people).

If your circumstances permit, you may want to consider living by yourself.

Hana

Hi Kayla,

Well, there is just as likely a chance that you could have tidy, introverted roommates as well! I was in a situation where I was the messy, extroverted one in comparison!

What I did Freshman year was hang tapestries strategically in the room so I had a “room within a room” so I could be alone while my roommate was entertaining.

Another thing that can happen is if you are with an extrovert, it is actually more likely that she will ditch you to hang out with the queen bee or king pin of the group she’s in ~ in their room!

Or, you will become good friends with her friends and then it won’t seem like an intrusion.

And if you tell her, “Could you pick up once a week and have only one or two friends over at a time?” she will be cool with that as long as you don’t ask for much else. Otherwise she’ll be the jerk, you know?

Good Luck!

Inky

Dear Kayla:

I understand that both, lack of cleanliness and noise equally bother you. I will focus on the noise problem at this point. Please let me know if my understanding is correct:

When your brother had those parties, you were very distressed. First there was the distress of the noise, but then, on top of it was the distress over your feelings not mattering. It made no difference to your brother that you felt distressed about the noise and he kept on with his noisy parties- as if you didn’t matter, as if your distress was not a matter of importance.

Your parents didn’t see or care about your distress either, not enough to protect you, to care for you, so to prevent you from suffering.

And so, you were alone, with your distress. And that made it worse. The noise meant more than noise; it meant something like: “I don’t matter. I am alone. There is no one to protect me. No one to help me.

Am I correct?

anita

Dear Kayla:

What happened is understandable, nothing weird about it: the noise of the roommate having company means more than noise to you: it means noise + the extra distress of your childhood experience being triggered. A connection in your brain has been made between party-like noise and the distress of being alone, not helped, not attended to.

I am sure there are other areas where the distress of childhood is being triggered, besides roommates not cleaning after themselves. No wonder your dream is to live alone in a one bedroom apartment, where you can control who is in your apartment, no parties can take place without your consent.

Your parents failed you. They should have attended to your distress and limited your brother’s partying significantly and maybe completely. If they did so, party/ company noise for you would be just that, noise.

There is a way to peel off the extra distress from the noise, so that noise is just noise, unpleasant, but not devastating, not overwhelming. And there is a way to peel off the distress from roommates not cleaning after themselves, so the mess is unpleasant, but not devastating. That extra distress of your distressed-and-alone/ neglected childhood experience can be “peeled off” your present everyday experiences.

This can be done with the help of a competent psychotherapist. You need the safety of an empathetic therapist who unlike your parents will SEE you, see your distress, understand your feeling.. make you understand yourself, so it all makes sense and you no longer feel weird or that you shouldn’t feel what you do.

One day, or night, noise will be just noise and a mess will be just a mess.

Do post anytime. You can share more, if you’d like and I will reply with more information, understanding (always checking with you to see if I am correct).

anita