Painful breakup - what do I do?

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This topic has 8 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 2 months ago by Anonymous.

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February 1, 2017 at 9:13 am #126541

Anonymous
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Dear xmd1:

The fact that she initiated the breakup does not mean you are at fault for it. If she blames you for it, it doesn’t mean you are guilty. Often people point the finger of blame at another as their MO.

And you don’t have to be the one moving out of the apartment you share with her. This is her wish, understandably. You may wish to remain there, and that she moves out since it is her idea to break up.

The breakup will get easier once you no longer live together. It will get easier if she doesn’t share with you and you don’t follow her present and future relationships with other men. And it will get easier as you avail yourself, sometime in the future, for a new and better relationship for yourself.

Hope you post again and that you feel better soon enough.

anita

February 1, 2017 at 11:43 am #126554

greenshade
Participant

Hi Matt!

I’m really, really sorry you’re going through this. I know it must be hard to face your friends right now, but please don’t isolate yourself. If you cant spend time with all of them together, just make plans with one or two, and if you dont feel up to making conversation, make plans where you wouldn’t have to talk (like playing video games or watching a movie or a game). Please also consider letting one of your friends in, maybe someone who has been in a similar situation. You’ve lost a source of emotional support right now, and it would help you miss (and need) your girlfriend less if you had other sourced of support around. Your friends are ready made sources of support and seem willing to talk.

Take care of yourself,
M

February 2, 2017 at 3:25 am #126585

augusta
Participant

Hello, I am sorry, I going through similar situation. Its not easy, it will take time to heal, we can do this, its in us.

February 2, 2017 at 5:19 am #126587

Inky
Participant

Hi matt,

I agree with anita in that (unless her parents are paying the rent of course) SHE should move out as it was her idea to break up. If she really wants to break up she will put up with the headache of moving. As you are already dealing with heartache. When we break up with someone, we usually have put a lot of thought into it. The other person is usually blindsided.

Of course, move out yourself if it is all too much for you. But I wouldn’t be packing boxes in your situation myself. That’s just me of course.

If your friends are true, you can tell them, “We broke up and I DON’T want to talk about it. Please don’t bring her up. When I’m with you guys I just want to clear my head. Don’t tell me about her either. I DON’T want to know how she’s doing, if she’s moved, or if she’s with someone.”

And promptly delete her from your phone and all social media. If she wants to contact you she can and will figure it out.

One more thing: It is very unusual to still be with your college (age) sweetheart. It is high time for you to be with someone new, dare I say better for you. She is expired milk that threw herself out (but still wants you to move. Don’t.)

Best,

Inky

February 2, 2017 at 7:09 am #126590

Jay-me
Participant

Hi Matt

I know ur pain, I used to cling on to my first love even wen we broke up, I used to call him, text him and always hoping we will get back together. Until oneday I deleted his contacts everywer in social media, I burned his photos that I have of me and him, I wrote a letter to him and burned it, I cried, I did all sorts of things to mourn the end of the relationship. I talked a lot about my pain, I wanted to find out why I cant move on. It really did help me, to tell myself try going to other dates and see what sup. U wont believe how much fun u can have. Sometimes first love feels like the only love we know and the only kind of love we must have. But with time and efforts, ul start doing things u enjoy alone, until u find somebody that share same interests as u. Ul suddenly feel inlove again…

February 2, 2017 at 5:03 pm #126615

iwillsurvive
Participant

My two cents based on experience…i feel your pain man…i have been to a similar situation before…it may not feel like it but it is the greatest thing that happened in your life.move out…you dont need the constant reminder of the pain you are going through.the relationship may be broken but you are not.dont keep taking scraps from her and focus this time on yourself.force yourself to move.practice no contact and do this for yourself.live your life for yourself because you have neglected who you are in the relationship.this is a moment of growth if you love yourself.you will not yet see it now but it will get better.the pain is temporary.in time with no contact she will be the one wondering what you are doing.would she find you attractive moping around or would she find you attractive when you hit the gym, eat healthy, sleep well and rocking a kick ass life…do this for yourself and not for her….good luck man…i was able to move on when i too thought that my high school sweetheart was the one.the pain will pass and you will see some glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel.but it will take time…esp of no contact and moving out will keep you away from the memories that will set you back in your healing….you can do it…

February 4, 2017 at 6:20 am #126690
matt
Participant
Thank you all for your advice! You made me feel like I’m not alone in this and, I can’t believe it myself, I’m already better by a mile! I still have bad moments although sadness and despair have been replaced by anger – I know it’s far from good to feel angry all the time but that feeling is something I can deal with much easier! It was painful to start ignoring my ex, although she helped a lot and she doesn’t even realize! The way she acted towards myself last few days made me think and focus on everthing I didn’t like about her – and she’s far from flawless. Not even 24 hours have passed since my emotional breakthrough and she noticed something’s going on – 3 messages in my inbox from her, haven’t replied to a single one and what’s best – I don’t feel like I want to! At least for now, it may all change once I come home from work but it’s great to have those good moments. I started eating, don’t feel like drinking and went back to my hobbies 🙂 I still would rather make up with her and work on our relationship but I know if that doesn’t happen, I will be able to move on – and that’s something I couldn’t imagine a week ago.

Many thanks again, you are all great and I wish you all the best!
- This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by matt.
February 4, 2017 at 8:25 am #126700

Anonymous
Guest

Dear matt::

You are welcome and thank you for the good wishes. Glad you are feeling better, so much better. The benefit in anger replacing despair is that angry, you are able to exert power and control over your life, over the parts that are up to you (for example, your choice to not respond to her messages!) –

when in despair, one feels powerless- and that is intolerable. Keep exerting reasonable power over your life. You can’t help what she chooses to do, but you do have the freedom to choose yourself! Make your choices work for you. After all, somebody needs to be on your side. She is not. Make it be you.

anita
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