“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
From the time I was a little girl, people told me I was pretty, but I never believed them. Instead, I scrutinized myself in the mirror searching for ways to look better, not realizing that what I was really looking for was a way to be me and feel good about myself.
As I focused even more on my looks throughout my twenties, I became increasingly self-conscious and dependent on how others perceived me. If someone complimented me and gave me attention, I would feel confident, but if I went unflattered or unnoticed, I would return to the mirror in an effort to figure out why.
I had often heard the expression “what you are inside shows on your face.” However, I didn’t know what these words truly meant until one day at the age of thirty-five.
That day, I took another long look in the mirror and suddenly something clicked: My looks were not the problem—they never were.
Somehow I understood that what I didn’t like about my face had nothing to do with my physical features. It was something else, something within myself that was reflecting out and causing me to feel unattractive, ill at ease, and unconfident.
At that moment I knew there were two things I needed to do. The first was to stop staring in the mirror. The second was to look at what was going on inside.
A friend recommended meditation, so I gave that a try. I sat, breathed, quieted my thoughts, and shared my feelings in a nine-hour course, which I followed with a two-day silent meditation retreat.
It’s possible that a silent retreat may not be for everyone, but it was one of the most valuable experiences of my life. The two days forced me to meditate, reflect, and “be” with myself in an environment that did not permit social interaction, not even eye contact.
There were also no distractions, such as telephone, TV, books, or computers.
Was the experience disagreeable? Initially, yes. Was it painful? Sometimes, but it allowed me to bring forth a lot of valuable self-information and one remarkable realization: I became conscious of how unnatural I felt.
In the time I was there, I recognized that I was not uncomfortable in that setting because I didn’t know how to be with myself. I was uncomfortable because I didn’t know how to be myself.
This was also why I often felt unattractive and ill at ease with others.
I was frequently projecting someone who didn’t feel “like me,” and that projection habitually depended on who I was interacting with.
It was this realization that launched my journey to authenticity and the discovery of a beautiful me.
Slowly, I started to learn about myself and the things that make me happy, and I found that I had a rhythm. I could hardly believe it, but I actually had my own beautiful flow, and as soon as I began to follow it my authenticity started to build on itself.
I gradually began to feel less self-conscious around others and much more comfortable with myself.
For the first time in my life I started to feel well and beautiful—and it showed. I saw it in the mirror. My husband noticed it in my body language. He said I carried myself differently, like I had more confidence and ease.
Of course, many practices assisted me in my journey, but the ones that helped the most are the ones that keep me grounded in myself today.
If you’re also looking to feel more at ease with yourself, I recommend:
Honor your body
I can never say enough about how important it is to celebrate my body. Every day I thank it for all that it does, and honor its needs through thirty-minute runs, long showers, flossing my teeth, and drinking lots of water.
Make a list of the things you need to do to take care of yourself so you feel healthy and grounded, and then schedule them into your day. It’s easier to feel good about who you are when you make your needs priorities.
Maintain a healthy, positive mind
Along with running, creative writing has contributed greatly to my journey. It keeps my mind filled with positive thoughts, and so much of who I am comes out in the characters I write about.
I also love to read, learn new things, and travel to different places, even if just new areas or neighborhoods near my home.
What practices make you feel passionate and positive about the way you’re living your life? Doing what you love is an important step in loving who you are.
Maintain a happy, healthy spirit
Without inner peace, authenticity is fleeting. Consequently, I meditate daily and do my best to live where peace is found—in the present moment. I also make a point of watching a couple of funny movies every week.
Nothing helps my spirit soar as much as laughter. It helps me see the world through younger eyes and reminds me that, no matter what, every moment contains hope and possibilities.
Take time out to nurture your spirit, whether that means practicing yoga, walking on the beach, or simply relaxing. In order to be comfortable with yourself, you first need to be comfortable just being.
And always keep in mind…
Finding your authenticity—finding yourself—will help you feel your beauty. When you endeavor to be who you are and be true to yourself, you will automatically feel attractive and unique.
Also, it is important to remind yourself that beauty is never dependent upon the approval of others. Quite the contrary, beauty is very much self-defined and self-created. The only person who can ever truthfully tell you “you are beautiful” is also the only person who can “make you beautiful.”
You are the only person who can do this.
The power to be beautiful lies not in the eyes of others. It comes from deep within you.
You are beautiful image via Shutterstock
About Mary Dunlop
Mary Dunlop is a passionate student of life with a keen desire to learn, share, and grow. She believes everyone has a special gift. Hers is writing. Her first novella, The Beauty of Twin Soul Love is currently being published.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
This makes so much sense! I feel uncomfortable a lot in life, and when I think about it, it’s true: I don’t know how to be myself. I don’t know who I am. I don’t let that worry me too much though, since right now I’m trying to figure all that out. I guess I just have to be patient with myself. Good post, I enjoyed reading it. 🙂
Thanks for this post. Self-acceptance (both physically and mentally) is something I struggle with on a daily basis. I admire you for going on the meditation retreat, hopefully I will be able to do something like that someday.
I can really relate to this…thanks for posting and sharing your wisdom!
Very inspirational post. Thank you so much for sharing your strategies. It’s all about that first step.
I’ve definitely shared this post! I had the opposite experience – when I was little, people used to tell my little sister she was pretty and tell me that I was smart. It worked into my psyche early on that I was never going to be considered pretty. It was only after realising that even the most beautiful women still beat themselves up in front of the mirror that I realised that it’s a choice – you’re as beautiful as you think you are, nobody else’s opinion matters. I chose to be beautiful everyday – and I say it out loud to myself in the mirror. Thanks for sharing!!
Loved this. My favorite part…”Slowly, I started to learn about myself and the things that make me happy, and I found that I had a rhythm. I could hardly believe it, but I actually had my own beautiful flow, and as soon as I began to follow it, my authenticity started to build on itself.” Oh, that flow. I long for it. I can feel it creeping in every now and then.
everyday i am becoming beauty & discovering beyond.
i always knew my beauty was dependent upon the approval of me,
but i couldn’t quite get there for years.
a few years ago i started to take care of me
solely for the sake of «me» & Voilà!
Merci for the lovely article Mary.
“Freedom lies in understanding yourself moment to moment” ~ Bruce Lee
And I would add that self-acceptance is just as important.
Andrew Menaker, PhD
That was the way for me too Justine. And, yes, self-patience and self-compassion helped big time! 🙂
Day by day Meghan. Eventually, you will if you want to. Like I mentioned in my comment to Justine, self-patience and self-compassion make a big difference ! 🙂
Thank you Caroline! 🙂
Absolutely! Thank you Inspired 🙂
It’s a realization! That’s for sure! Thank you Sarai 🙂
That’s how it started for me 🙂 …slowly. What a wonderful feeling it is! Thank you Lovesingin 🙂
Thank you Sarah! Now that’s beautiful! 🙂
Thank you Dr. Menaker 🙂 I totally agree!
Thanks for this great post, Mary! It’s so pertinent to both women and men. I would just add a couple of additional practices to maintain one’s mental and spiritual balance: volunteer to help others and get outside and experience Nature. Self-awareness, barring the erroneous messages you note, has its limits. Sometimes you just have to get OUT of yourself. Have a wonder-full day!
Thank you Jeffrey, I agree. When I run, I try to run outdoors as often as possible. I love to feel the wind against my skin. Also, something I noticed throughout my journey is that the better I felt in my skin the more I found myself running towards me rather than away from me. 🙂
I’m still working on this, but my Aha moment was when I was looking in the mirror and realised that it wasn’t that I didn’t like what Isaw, rather it was that I didn’t like who I saw! It’s not an easy journey from this position, but at least I no longer recoil when I see my reflection! Thank you for this post xxx
Karen, I so understand. It is certainly not easy and it can often be unpleasant, but for you it sounds like it’s already getting a little better and that’s fantastic! 🙂 xxx
Thank you so much for this. I’m 15 and as a teenager you always see bad things about yourself but if we learn to do this at a young age hopefully everyone can grow to love themselves (or at any age not just young). Thank you 🙂
Absolutely Megan! My dear, you are most wise! Bravo! 🙂
I loved that someone has been through the same issues as I – and learned from them as I have. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long – here in the autumn of my life – But I’m here and finally able to say, “I love me.” I am confident and happy now in a way that I never was before. The journey into self-realization and authentication of ME was a long, but fruitful one. Thank you for such a wonderful article!
Moonbear, you took the words right out of my heart 🙂 I thank you!
Moonbear, you have taken the words right out of my heart 🙂 I thank you!
Thanks, Mary — how nice of you to respond! I love your image of running, and in which direction!
Mary.
I so enjoyed your lovely writing as you explained how you came into your beautiful self. It’s just the reminder that I needed as I’m only a year out from a mastectomy and I’m noticing that I need to whisper encouragement to myself about being attractive, from time to time. I’m going to spend a little more time honoring my body each day.
Thanks so much.
This works well for me. It’s amazing how well our bodies respond when we show them that we love them. Thank you Susie! Sending you my very best wishes for your surgery and a speedy recovery!
Thank you for shareing this wisdom,it’s awesome.Im thank full to my Higherself that Im now free of old pattens.I had the same experience as you.I now love myself just the way I am.I send you love and wish you joy.So be it.
Thank you. I’ve never read anything that so exactly described my experience of struggling with my looks and authenticity. I, too, always looked in the mirror for everything and my day was made or ruined depending on how I looked that day. When I was in my early 20s I put self compassion into action, took care of my body and spirit, and became my true self, and every day was just amazing. Unfortunately I lost all that and wasted years due to drug addiction… now I’m over 4 years sober, getting off methadone, and still am struggling to begin to find my way back. I dread someone thinking I’m unattractive, and I cling obsessively to male attention to my looks. Everyone always tells me I’m attractive, but its hard to believe them because I don’t feel healthy inside. I remember how I got to that blissful place of compassion and acceptance for myself and all living things, but I’ve felt powerless to travel that path of transformation again. I feel so lucky to have felt self acceptance at a young age. Now I’m 31 and hope I can find the strength to get back there. Thank you so very much for your insightful article.
You’ll get there Ava, I just know you will because you remember how. Concentrate on that memory, visualize it, write about it – how it felt, and draw strength from it. Sending you lots of love and my very best wishes!
Amen Sheerin! I send you lots of love too and joy. Wishing you all the best always!
My mother died 17 years ago. In recent years, she has reappeared — in my mirror! It’s disturbing at first, realizing you’re now nearly as old as your old mother and are truly looking more and more like her. Yikes. Like many older women feel (or so I’m finding out), what’s inside is ME, and I mean a not-old me, somebody who still thinks and feels like I’m much younger than the calendar says. My inside (mind, soul, spirit, beingness) don’t match the outsides and certainly not the mirror.
I also figured out that if I get a new mirror, I’ll still see in it what I see now, LOL. Where’s the magic mirror when we need it!
So I’m gradually learning to adjust and to love the older-looking me. Happily, my mind and my spirit are in good shape re: the things you wrote above about them. So I’ll keep working on honoring my body, on letting my inner laughter show, on body carriage and other body language, and especially on accepting the aspects of my external-me that were handed down to me by my mother.
Thanks for some great tips, Mary Dunlop!
A good photographer will say that the true secret to showing a person’s beauty is to see more than what’s skin deep. It is our spark, our essence which makes us beautiful and I think that, when this spark starts shining through, the mirror along with everything else turns magical. Thank you for your beautiful spark Kate! Wishing you and all a wonderful weekend! 🙂
This is awesome!! Such a hard life lesson, but one worth learning
Speaking of beauty… this was a beautiful post. I’m so glad I found TinyBuddha.. it’s already improved my life in the few short weeks since I’ve started reading the wonderful articles on here. I don’t know why we ever started to think such negative thoughts about ourselves, but I’m working on it and hopefully I’ll be there soon! Also, can’t wait to find a quiet place to start meditating. I’ve heard so many wonderful things about meditation and know it’ll benefit my life immensely. Thank you for thist article, Mary!
It was the most worthwhile lesson of my life Betty! Thank you! I’m glad you liked the post 🙂
Thank you Eva! You can also try meditating by walking outside (if it’s not too busy or noisy). Allow your thoughts to come and go and try to be conscious of each step while remaining focused on your breathing and surroundings. This is such a wonderful way to start the morning, greet the evening or afternoon, or take a break during the day. 🙂
When you make beauty (in your mind) you make ugly. When you make “you” you make a wall separating you from everyone else. You have held this thought of beauty for many years. It will not be so easy to put aside. Try to see the universe as yourself. Cast away good and bad, ugly and beautiful. “Waves come and they go. There are big ones and small ones. They are born and die in the ocean of water. Enlightenment for a wave is the day it realizes it is water.” Thich Nhat Hanh. The sun shines on the beautiful and the ugly…and so does your bright smile.
Thank you Gsalemi. Namaste.
I definitely live in a quiet place so I’ll have to try this. Any tips for quieting the mind? I just can’t seem to do it.. too much always going on up there! Thanks for replying, Mary! : )
I do, Eva, because I have trouble with this too, so what helps me calm my mind and body prior to meditating (making meditation easier for me) is running. Now, brisk walking (aerobic walking) is just as effective and fifteen minutes of it is plenty before gradually slowing down and easing into that meditative walk. Let me know how it goes : )
Thank you for the tip! I’ve started a little series on my blog about meditation where I’m “documenting” all of my findings and what works for me so I’ll definitely have to try this out & include it!
You’re very courageous, Mary! The only way to truly find our beauty is to look within. That’s not always easy as you describe in your first experience of a meditation retreat. How admirable you persisted and came into alignment with your true self.
A beautiful post, i really enjoyed reading it.
This is a great post, and one that I think most women can relate to. I experience this professionally every day – I’m a personal trainer – and see how easy it is for us to constantly criticize ourselves and our body’s.
I see that my clients try to honor their body through exercising, but like you said Mary, we need to have positive thoughts in order for all of it to manifest.
Bravo on the post, and cheers!
Thank you Sandra. It’s true that it wasn’t easy, but it was so worthwhile. Life is a gift to be treasured and lived with joy and I had a hard time doing this before coming into that alignment.
Thank you Dana 🙂
Thank you Sirena 🙂 Indeed, positive thinking makes dreams come true.
Mary.
What a lovely reminder for each of us to keep moving in a little closer and closer to our authentic self. This genuine connection provides so much grounding in body, mind, and heart and therein, the beauty lies. For me, it can be meditation but usually I just need to find that stillpoint — on a walk, in a yoga mat, with a friend.
Thanks for a great post.