“Don’t let people pull you into their storm. Pull them into your peace.” ~Kimberly Jones
I was finally in a solid place when I met my now-ex-boyfriend earlier this year. I had created some healthy habits for myself and was fully recovered from the eating disorder that had ruled my life for eight years prior.
Things had turned around completely for me, as now I was getting my first novel published and had a flourishing greeting card line.
When I first met my ex, who I’ll call Alex, it was love at first sight. I was completely infatuated with this talented individual from Seattle who made beautiful paintings and music. The art he made truly resonated with my soul, and he could say the same thing about my writing.
Needless to say, it felt like a match made in heaven. So after our courtship, I was more than willing to move up to Seattle from Los Angeles and live with him.
I was heartbroken when four months into living together, he revealed he was addicted to meth. He admitted that he’d been addicted the past two and half years and had been using every day up to five times.
I was blindsided, stunned, and overwhelmed with a twister of emotions. How could I have not known? I scolded myself. He was always hyper and created much more art in such a short time frame than I’d ever seen any other human do.
Well, they say hindsight is 20/20. I didn’t know he was on meth because I didn’t know what signs to look for, and I’d personally never tried meth myself.
When Alex admitted this to me, I cried in fear, certain that our lives would change for the worst. I knew this betrayal of trust would be difficult for me to recover from, as I became vigilant at his capacity for dishonesty.
I also worried that he wouldn’t love me the same after he quit meth and that the only reason that he’d fallen in love with me so easily was because he was high! But I had already invested so much in this relationship, moving states and all. I wasn’t ready to just throw what we had away.
It was ironic because I remembered feeling so happy that I had met him when I was in a “good place” in my life, but all of that seemed so distant now. We can all morph into the worst versions of ourselves when we become clenched in fear.
When Alex was in the process of attempting to quit, it became difficult to detach myself from the turmoil he’d ooze every evening.
Like clockwork, every night around nine, he’d get this vacant look in his eyes and begin to pace around. It was like a dark cloud had come over him and I wasn’t even there anymore. I began to feel that I wasn’t enough for him.
The love I had for him and the idea of us kept me in that relationship for several months after the revelation about his addiction, and I eventually realized why Alex had admitted his meth use to me. He thought he could rely on me to be the “strong one” in the relationship, since I was sober, but in actuality, I was just as fragile as he was.
And I felt too awkward setting boundaries for this recovering addict, afraid he’d feel infantilized or patronized every time I questioned him about his drug use or nagged him to stop. I felt like I lost myself again, when just months before I was so certain about my identity.
Alex continued to relapse for the next six months, never staying sober for more than a few weeks at a time, and I began to feel extremely helpless.
Those fits of restlessness and angst that overwhelmed him every night felt too close to home, and just like him, I had yet to master how to tolerate those uncomfortable feelings.
Some evenings I found strength in myself and was able to tolerate the uncomfortable emotions he was experiencing without reacting. Other nights, we’d get into fights when he’d want to go on a “drive” (buy meth).
This lovely relationship we once had devolved to one of raw, dark emotions that neither of us really knew how to get a grip on. And worst, we both relied on the other person to get it together!
Eventually, despite the fact that I loved this man with all my heart, I knew I had to set myself free from this relationship. I had enough insight to know that even though I’d recovered from my eating disorder, I still wasn’t strong enough to resist getting pulled into his troubled psyche. I needed to pull back to create my own peace again, because I sure as hell wasn’t going to get it from this guy.
It’s been about a couple of months since we’ve been officially broken up and I’ve moved back to Los Angeles to live with my family.
Many days I have guilt and regrets for leaving and not being able to help him out of his addiction. It was like all of the meaningful talks we had, trips to the psychiatrist, and meditative walks in nature were for nothing. In all honesty, I felt pretty useless to his recovery.
In retrospect, I know I would have done things differently if I knew the things I know now. Here’s what I wish I would have done as soon as I found out I was dating an addict:
1. Encourage him to get help
When he first revealed he was addicted to meth, I could have been honest and told him I had no clue what to do and somehow convey the depths of helplessness I felt. Then I would have pointed him to professional support sooner and wouldn’t have taken his relapses so personally, as if I was at fault because I was solely responsible for helping him.
2. Get support for myself
I should have attended Al-Anon meetings and attempted to have my own support group in Seattle instead of letting anxiety take such a strong hold over me and then isolating myself from meeting new people. Supporting an addict can be draining, and no one should have to carry that alone.
3. Take good care of myself
I should have made time every day to reconnect with myself in some way, whether it be meditation, exercise, or prayer. I should have taken time every day to reflect on my own journey and the progress I’d made instead of becoming so fixated on helping him with his.
Relationships often become unbalanced when one person is an addict, but both people need time and space to focus on themselves and their needs.
4. Set clear boundaries
I wish I had clearer boundaries for myself going in so that I didn’t stay as long as I did and watch the love we had sour. For instance, it would have been more helpful if I told myself that if I saw him using while we were together, I would have distanced myself from him.
I could have communicated this to him, as well, by saying something like “I’m all for your recovery and supporting you through your journey. But using drugs while being together is unacceptable to me, and if I find out you are using, I will have to distance myself from you for my sake.”
Setting boundaries earlier on may have prevented my unintentional enabling, which created behaviors in him that I later resented.
5. Prioritize my own happiness
I shouldn’t have let guilt keep me in a relationship that was making me unhappy. Like many others, I felt pretty paralyzed by fear of hurting the other person. I wished I had more strength to leave this person I was in love with because he was self destructing and refusing to really help himself.
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As one can surmise, these are all lessons and wisdom you gain after an experience like this, not before, but perhaps they will be helpful to someone who’s right now standing where I once stood.
Now I am taking time to find peace in myself every day so that I am better equipped to handle another person’s baggage (because we all have it) the next time I attempt to date.
About Monica Viera
Monica Viera is a novelist who lives in Los Angeles, California. She is best known for her novel Crazy Meeting You Here.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
I admire your courage for coming here to tell us about your story. It must have been painful. It takes us a while to realize that our life is separate from our partner and that his mistakes are not ours. If he made a mistake, it is not really our fault. He did what he did based on what he think is right and it had nothing to do with us.
Wonderful post, and lots of courage to share with other readers. I can relate to what you gone through…
I was dating an alcoholic who promise to stop after we started dating, when he was sober he was the nicest guy, however he would never drink in my presence as I don’t drink. He would lie about not consuming alcohol when we meet but his whole body smell of alcohol. He would get vex with me for even asking if he had had a drink. It was a tough love, I was confused with all his promises,we rarely went out as a couple as he was always broke for spending all his cash on cigarette and drinks with his friends. He would call and text me how much he loves me and made plans. When he’s sober I question him about his promises he gets annoyed and ends up arguing with me.
I left him 2 months ago as the relationship wasn’t making me a better person or serving any purpose. He still calls me and text me but I’m standing strong in not giving up to his empty promises. When I decline his calls he gets angry and send me abussive text, then later he would send me loving text. Sometimes I’m confuse as to why he doesn’t leave me alone, he mostly calls and text when he’s drunk. When he’s at work daytime he never text or call. I’m not sure why he does this.
All my friends questions me as to why I dated an alcoholic, I knew him before we dated, but I didn’t know the extent of the problem until I got close to him, he denies hes got a problem and blames everyone for what the way he lives. Never has money cause he spends it on booze and cigarette. I have a saving cause I work hard and save some of my cash.
Thank you for this post. Thank you even more for not using degrading, demonizing words about the addict in your life. Addiction is a disease like no other disease. It is a brain disease that literally tells the addict that using is the only solution for survival. It does take outside help. It is devastating to families because the type of help you’d normally offer someone with cancer doesn’t always work. As an addict in recovery, I appreciate your words. Kindness & compassion really can go a long way to help and remembering the addict isn’t “choosing” this disease. Thanks again!
I am going through the same thing. It is so hard but you need to take care of yourself. Good luck and be happy. 🙂
Thank you for this post. I am going to try to share it with my guy to maybe help him understand how what he is doing is hurting me.
You didn’t seem to have any problem with the sort of guy your ex was while he was actively using amphetamines, in fact, you fell in love with him for fk sake.
What if your next bf is prescribed adderall or dexodrine? I suspect you wouldn’t bat an eye, because it’s “prescribed.” Even though addy is literally amphetamine salts and dexodrine (prescribed all the time btw) is pure methamphetamine.
People are always shocked to learn that Drs prescribe meth to people all the time. From treating ADHD, chronic fatigue, weight loss & more, amphetamines and methamphetamines are been passed out like flinstone vitamins for years.
On the flip side, I hope your in good health, now and in the future. Would suck to end up as a hypocrite. Almost every “illegal drug” that is commonly used, also has a very similar if not identical prescription version.
But when people self medicate with the “bad drugs” they get shunned, dumped by their girlfriends, and often jailed. But nobody gives a fk when someone is getting massive amounts of meth or amphetamine, opioids, and benzos from the pharmacy, because well “that’s prescribed.”
This attitude is foolish and shares part of the blame for the 100,000 overdose fatalities the US has every year!
I went through the same thing with a woman I fell in love with that I met at work, at first we were co-workers but we quickly became roommates. There were lots of rumors and such but I couldn’t see it or didn’t want to see it at least. I remember we would cuddle and sleep together and it was one of the most amazing experiences I had with any woman. But things took a turn for the worst, she started becoming more unpredictable and her manipulation got worse, I didn’t know what was going on. She kept talking about going to rehab to get her kids back but i didn’t understand why and frankly I didn’t fully understand what rehab was all about either.
I saw things I wish I never had to, and eventually she even got violent with me after getting into a fight, punching me and even threatening to kill me. It was one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had to deal with. I wish I would have the knowledge and wisdom to deal with an addict before I met her, there are things I would have done differently to make it a healthier relationship. But I can’t blame myself either because there was a lot of lying and manipulation involved and she would even talk about me behind my back trying to make me look like a bad guy.
I think there was something else going on inside her head mentally, not just the drug addiction I believe she may have had some kind of personality disorder but it’s impossible to know for sure because I’m not a professional. She never could make any of her relationships with men ever work. The emotional and psychological shock was just too much after I learned about everything she was doing and it turned to resentment and hate. All I wanted out of her was a little bit of honesty and open dialog. But she kept trying to make it sound like she wasn’t on drugs anymore, that she had been sober a year and she lied about it.
Not even close buy tell yourself whatever you need to in order to justify the addiction.
The best thing you can do when you find out you’re dating someone on meth is get out. First off, they began the relationship by lying to you and not telling you that they are taking an illegal controlled substance. So the relationship right out of the gate is based on a lie. From there tell them do not contact me until you get a year sober and I want proof drug test from the doctor not from your hands. Meth erodes the part of your brain responsible for empathy, and sometimes can be permanent which means basically you’re dating a psychopath, but even worse, a psychopath on a very dangerous drug that’s why they can lie to you and manipulate you cheat on you steal from you and then help you look for whatever it is you think is messing with no remorse. These are basically week people that never dealt with their problems and this is where they are at what you really need to do is ask yourself why do you want up with somebody like this in the first place because there’s something wrong with you. Get help. But priority number one is getting as far away from that person as you can. They can’t even take care of himself. They have absolutely nothing to offer you except problems.
Anybody that does math is a complete and utter failure. These are people that have had ample opportunities to deal with their problems and refused to do so. They have no character and no integrity whatsoever. Anybody with an IQ over 10 would get of far away from these people, as they possibly can, and watch them, burn them self right into the pits of hell where they belong. Personally, I would be throwing popcorn into the back of my mouth, laughing watching them burn.
Im in exactly the same position. Thank you for your post. Been dating a meth addict for a few months and also moved far from home. He loed and deceived me and could only manage sobriety for a couole of weeks then relapsed again. Feel like i lost myself again when i just started feeling so comfortable in myself and also knowing my identity amd what I want in life. Now im broken again. Reading your story is like reading my own i typed out.
You are one sick person. Typical christian mentality. Full of hate and evil. Shame on you!
Soooo true. Drugs aren’t the cause of poor character. It just brought the bad traits to the surface sooner.
That isn’t a Christian mentality. The may claim to be of Christian Religion but Christ didn’t go around being a stuck
up judgemental cruel hypocrite nor did he teach that that mentality would get u to Heaven. In fact I’m pretty sure he said the exact opposite. But ya I see the point u was trying to make!
With all do respect some meth addicts do have those qualities unfortunately. I have no addiction to meth but I deal w addictions I still have as much empathy and compassion as I ever did maybe more because of the addictions I have- I know I’m no one to judge. I have remorse for anything I have done wrong since age 5. I’ve never been one to use the excuse I did….yada yada wrong because I was on drugs. The drug often times isn’t the cause of these qualities…it does however “tweak” those qualities in someone who already has them it brings them out more extreme for sure. But they were already qualities that was there. Bottom line….drugs didn’t make someone rob a bank…they was already a thief they just needed the drug to get the courage to rob the bank. A liar tells bigger lies more often. They was already fucked up in the heart the drug just made them less able to hide it. I have also witnessed people w good character qualities go the other way and if they had a talent for art they created more of it. Basically what I’m saying is drugs are most def not an excuse to be a piece of shit. And not every addict has no integrity. Period. I know plenty of addicts who have better hearts than some who r at church each Sunday.
It’s unfair to assume the author would feel differently about any addiction, prescribed or otherwise, if it caused the strife in their relationship described in the article.
It also sounds like she was infatuated by his artistic side, so much so as to ignore the drug use until it started eating away at her soul. A pretty easy mistake to make, especially for someone young and naive.
You raise an important point about society allowing certain “legal” addictions while shunning others, but I don’t see that distinction being made in the article at all.