Dear tinybuddy:

What a story! Told honestly and in a way that invites nothing but my empathy as I read it from beginning to end.

Yes, I think it is possible for you and your on-a-break boyfriend to be together again, not the way you were but better, closer.

If you continue your healing, persist in it, considering your honesty and humility expressed in your post, he will be a fortunate man to have you as his girlfriend and life partner.

As I think about your share, I am intrigued by your crack smoking evening followed by drinking and spending that night with the co worker, a stranger. Your Low, you referred to it, or as AA refers to it as “hitting rock bottom.” So you are walking home from work and .. things happen, nothing planned. You let the outside world determine what happens to you.

I am thinking about my life, when I took breaks from exacting reasonable control over my circumstances. In my case, I was TIRED, tired of thinking, of trying to figure things out, tired of … lost. During my healing, I learned, starting in my first experience with a competent therapist, to endure those lost moments, to endure distress and still, during those times of great distress, to still control my circumstances.

I remember, my thought too was: what’s the point, this is already bad, might as well be worse. I learned, in therapy, that worse… is worse than bad and better not proceed to worse. It got easier but it was very difficult to endure the distress. It was as if there was some relief in self destruction.

Back to your post, the title of your thread, I think it is a good, good thing that your on-break-boyfriend knows the situation, that you told him what he does need to know. I hope you focus on your healing because nothing good on the long run can happen for you, without your healing. And please do post here, on your thread anytime. I will reply every time you post, as long as you are willing that I reply.

anita

Hi tinybuddy!
You said “I am a very loving and kind person, and in general I am a considerate and passionate partner. In no way do I want to hurt myself or the people I love.” and that is so, so evident from your post! In my experience, love for the people we care about and wanting to stop hurting them and ourselves is what drives the best kind of change.
My two bits would be to have patience with yourself, and find a community that you can reach out to whenever you feel your lowest, as frequently as you need. It can be this community, or it can be a community or support group where you live. Find and cling to that community and don’t let go, however much you are tempted to, or however much shame provokes you to run and hide. Also, read, read, read, watch youtube videos to try and understand yourself and the effects of what you have gone through better. It was surprising for me to learn how much of the little things I do that impact my relationships and work were directly linked to childhood trauma, never mind the big things. Its also so wonderful for you that you have made contact with a therapist. Commit to therapy, self education and community :). The big three.
Lov,
m