Home→Forums→Relationships→" Im not ready for the talk " … Follow up to previous post
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October 19, 2016 at 10:46 pm #118527
Deleted due to privacy infringmentParticipantHi all,
This is a followup to my previous posts…. Synopsis…. Bf of 7 years ( on and off ) discovered I was still in contact and communication with my ex…. Found out via fake fb message….. This was exactly 1 month ago today…. He believes I was cheating and having an affair for several years with this guy…. My ex is still in love with me and told my boyfriend when my boyfriend confronted him it was all true… Boyfriend refused to speak to me.. Blocked all forms of communication…. Told me he may never speak to me again…I tried for a week then gave him his space…
3 days ago, I got a text from my boyfriend… First time in weeks … Asking how our dog and I are doing.. said he was still incredibly numb…. Told me that he just discovered his best friend whom we both stopped speaking with 2 years ago past…. Spoke about that for a bit… then he stated
” Although I am angry and in shock and sad about what happened between us two, I do love you and miss you both … I read everything you’ve sent me and all I kept asking is ” why, why the hell did you do this ?” We will talk about everything, but right now I just can’t.. I need to strengthen my mind and spirit … ”
I told him I respect that and when he is ready to hear my side of the story ( that the relationship with my ex and I was strictly platonic ) I will tell him… Asked him if he considers believing me and he said ” yes, thats why I am messaging you now ” ….. Told him I am here for him if he needs anything about his friend… He said thank you.. I love you…. I told him I love him too… He asked me to give the dog a kiss for him then said he misses us both so much.. We will speak soon… Hadn’t reached out to him since….
About an hour ago ( 3 days later ) he text me ” Sorry to text you so late just wanted to give you the wake information” Told me on his own when he is going and when his brother/cousin are going… I said thank you, asked how he was doing, he discussed that briefly…Told him despite our issues, they take a back seat to the death of his friend and if he needs to talk, don’t hesitate…. Also, I asked him if it was ok that I was going to the funeral mass or would that upset him.. He said of course he was your friend too…. “just please i am not ready to have the talk, don’t do it like this…” I told him ” I would never… I love you.. I am respecting what you need.. always ” .. he responded thank you I love you too goodnight….
It is so hard to be there for the man I love when he is going through possibly the hardest time in his life… I am giving him his space, but being there for him when he reaches out…. I don’t know what to think about ” the talk”, because right now he is in mourning and nothing else matters….. I just hope I am doing all I can to be there for him without pushing my limits…..
Also, any insight on how he’s feeling aside from the loss of his friend?
Thanks guys…
October 20, 2016 at 4:42 am #118532
InkyParticipantHi Jess,
It will be hard for your BF to see you. But you should still go to the wake. It would be harder for him if you weren’t there, in a weird way.
Listen, he WANTS to believe you.
Is it possible to get your ex on the line or meet him in person with your BF? And call him out on his lie “That it was all true”? If your BF sees you fighting with the ex, maybe it will dawn on him who was telling lies. And then NEVER communicate with the ex again (why would you after he sabotaged your current relationship?)
Good Luck!
Inky
October 20, 2016 at 10:09 am #118550
AnonymousGuestDear Jess:
Seems like he is still interested, still drawn to you. It may be that the loss of his friend brought to the forefront of his mind the loss of his relationship with you, intensified the latter. Although he is numb, as he stated, he feels the need to be with you, to reconnect, re-establish a relationship with you.
Reads to me like you communicated well with him since he contacted you, said the right things. Follow what you said to him with action, with behavior that supports your words. Give him the space, the time. If you’d like go back to your previous thread and to my last post to you then. It may very well be relevant now.
anita
October 22, 2016 at 12:19 pm #118709Deleted due to privacy infringmentParticipantHi Guys,
Thanks for the responses… I did go to the funeral.. He was there alone without family or friends and I felt terrible… He saw me when he was leaving and gave me a half hearted saddened smile…. Few minutes later he text me thanking me for coming, it meant a lot to him and his friend always really liked me… I asked him how he was holding up, we talked about what a great guy his friend was and then he said ” heading to the cemetery now, thanks again, ily ” ….. told him to drive safely and I love him too….. That was all we said to each other…. Im so upset for him… and I miss him terribly….
October 22, 2016 at 12:32 pm #118710AnonymousGuestDear Jess:
The exchange with him was gentle and affectionate. It is a good thing that although you miss him terribly that you are able to choose a behavior that is light and gives him the space that he needs. Good job on your part I say.
anita
October 22, 2016 at 1:39 pm #118712Deleted due to privacy infringmentParticipantAnita,
I have never been in this position before and this is very unlike my behavior to actually give him space, which I know he is shocked over…. What do you think his thought processes may be during this space? He stated that he was not ready for the talk and I told him when he is ready, I am here. But what could be possibly getting ready for? …. I am trying to get some insight on his POV…
Thanks!
October 22, 2016 at 7:01 pm #118725AnonymousGuestDear Jess:
You are doing the right thing by him. Will it give you the results you want? Not necessarily.
Regarding his POV there are possibilities for what that may be. You can examine the different possibilities with the information you already have about him, what you know about him.
One possibility is that he will never be “ready for the talk” because he hates confrontations, difficult conversations. He may be a passive person who prefers (whether he is aware of it or not) others to push him into situations so that he doesn’t have to make a choice and be responsible for it. If this is the case, then an aggressive woman is more likely to get her way with him, that is, she pushes her agenda and he gives in. That will be short term success for the woman but long term misery for both.
Before I go on and maybe come up with other possibilities, you can tell me more about the person that he is: is he afraid of confrontations; passive or assertive? Does he have trouble meeting women? Past relationships with women? This kind of information will help with narrowing down the possibilities for his POV and his future action or inaction.
anita
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