Home→Forums→Tough Times→Regret. Holding on or letting go?
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September 12, 2016 at 2:15 pm #115024
John ChinParticipantI have been reading a lot before finally deciding to share my thoughts and feelings. I would really love to hear your input. I am afraid I am a narcissistic person. Much of my behavior seems to match that of a narcissistic person, but then again, plain descriptions don’t always meet the context of how things happened. I am afraid I am this kind of person.
September 12, 2016 at 8:45 pm #115043
AnonymousGuestDear epodc7:
You asked: “What approach should I take with her?”
The approach should be ZERO ABUSE: do not abuse her no matter what, no matter how hurt or angry you feel.
If you can’t control what you say to her, do not be in her presence during her coming visit. If you feel you are about to say hurtful words to her on the phone, get off the phone.
The approach, the policy I am strongly suggesting is ZERO ABUSE.
Go to psychotherapy, an anger management class, whatever it takes for you to control your behavior, to gain insight into the origin of your hurt and anger (K is not the origin at all; she is only your victim).
Your responsibility is to take on healing from your hurt and anger of long ago, so that you achieve well being for yourself and you no longer inflict your pain on another.
The title of your thread is: Holding on or letting go. Please do let go of your abusive behavior and hold on to healing yourself.
anita
September 12, 2016 at 10:37 pm #115054John ChinParticipantThank you very much for the reply Anita, I greatly appreciate you taking the time to answer everyone. I understand there is no excuse for my behavior and this has been a reality check for me. It has been almost two months since I gave in to anger and have managed to get a little better everyday, and has been my only goal, to be better than I was yesterday. The abuse has stopped, but I understand the memory remains.
I haven’t said anything hurtful and I am more aware of the words I say and feel I have realized how much damage I caused her. However, I still don’t understand whether I should keep replying to her texts or calls, I feel it is the least I can do for her after all the damage I’ve done, but at the same time I’m hurting myself because I don’t think I’ll be able to start my own healing process. I don’t want her to feel bad if I stop talking to her, but at the same time I hurt myself by doing so.
September 13, 2016 at 4:51 am #115058
InkyParticipantOh no the website ate my response!!!!
To paraphrase:
1. You were lukewarm in the relationship going in
2. You were Ph.D. students
3. You lived together
4. You’re all still friends with your ex’sWhat a difficult combination!!
Then to top it all off you acted totally UNCONSCIOUSLY!
To her and others in the future: “Please”. “Thank you”. “Would you like me to…” “I totally understand that…” goes SUCH a long way!
When she visits pretend she is a deity. Respect. Manners. Smile. Get her something to drink.
Good Luck!
Inky
September 13, 2016 at 7:01 am #115060AnonymousGuestDear epodc7:
Congratulations for two months of not being abusive and for aiming at improving every day. As to your question whether to continue contact with her, contact that she initiates, my answer is:
No. Sincerely apologize in great detail for abusing her: write down all the ways you abused her, so nothing is ambiguous, no excuses, no: ‘I was hurt and that is why I said those words..’
Take full responsibility for your wrong doings against her, detail them and then express true regret and remorse. In that written communication that I am suggesting here, tell her that it is best to have no more contact because you need to heal from the hurt and anger you have in you from BEFORE meeting her and you need to do it while no longer in contact with her. In addition to it, you can add that you believe it is best for her as she needs to heal from your abuse of her (and probably from others’ abuse of her before meeting you, which may be the reason she accepted your abuse and still contacts you).
anita
September 13, 2016 at 9:45 am #115064John ChinParticipantThanks for taking the time to read and reply! Much appreciated
Inky: Thanks for taking the time to write again, I’m glad the post went through this time. It definitely was a complicated situation, but I know this does not an excuse for the damage I caused her. Thanks for your input, I will treat her with respect and nicely, since it will most likely be the very last time we see each other and talk.
Anita: First of all, thanks again. Although trying to get in the mindset of giving up on her is one of the hardest things I’ve been through and still am going through, I understand much of the damage I caused her will not be forgotten. I messed up. I will apologize once in a written way as you suggested, I will probably wait a couple of days after she leaves.
Do you have any advice on how to move on in a situation like this? Sometimes at night before bed, I am filled with a tremendous fighting spirit telling me not to give up, and I can’t help but think that other couples have been able to recover after worse things and I think that so can we. Whenever I see other couples, I find it inevitable to think how much I could’ve done things better. Whenever I have these feelings, I try to calm myself and remember all the bad things I said to her that hurt, that has been able to keep me at bay and stopping me from telling her. I understand I deserve everything that is happening to me right now and I don’t even deserve she still trying to talk to me. I have the most important test in my life in 3-weeks. If I fail my comprehensive examination, I am out of my PhD program, and I find myself not being able to concentrate and thinking about her all the time. This already has taken an immense toll on my academic life (not saying that I don’t deserve it). Is there something you recommend in such stressful times?
Thanks again.
September 13, 2016 at 10:12 am #115066John ChinParticipantBy the way, in my original post I mentioned I couldn’t believe she was leaving me less than a month before my oral examination, this was in July. My exam got postponed by other circumstances to October
September 13, 2016 at 3:08 pm #115072AnonymousGuestDear epodc7:
You are welcome. You asked for my advice on how to move on from here. This is my detailed advice:
1) No more abusing her or anyone else, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Be assertive but not abusive; promote your self interest with a Win-Win attitude. This is first priority.
2) Your test: focus on it to the exclusion of everything else. Have no contact with her until after the exam(postponing her visit this weekend is acceptable, I think, if you explain to her you need no contact until after your exam).
3) After the exam, prepare a very detailed and thorough record of your past abuse of her, sincerely apologize for all, taking full responsibility for all the abuse you inflicted on her. Offer restitution for the time you will be able to do so, once you earn money: to pay for her therapy with a competent therapist (about six months- or more, weekly, I am thinking). In summary: zero future abuse of her, a written record with a sincere apology and restitution in the form of paying her therapist.
* regarding a possible relationship with her: following her one to one therapy, paid by you, you can join her sessions in the context of a couple therapy so to determine a possible future.
Post again, anytime and wish you well on your exam!
anita
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