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Struggling in feeling love for my mother

Homeā†’Forumsā†’Relationshipsā†’Struggling in feeling love for my mother

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  • #111921
    Choccoffeewine
    Participant

    Dear all,

    I appreciate any insight or perspective you can lend. Before I dive into it however I feel I need to attach a ‘disclaimer’. šŸ˜‰ I’m in my mid-40s. Mom just turned 85. BIG generational gap. I’m not wanting to go into too much detail but if it is difficult for others to read about abusive parents, please do not read any further.

    Love for my mother. Since my father passed away, 3 years ago, I have a hard-time feeling love for mom. To state it simply; I’m just emotionally exhausted when it comes to mom and her health issues. I’ve sought therapy/counseling and it helped with a lot of guilt I have been lugging around. However, it also turned into a commiserating therapy session where I listened many times to the therapist about her relationship with her mom. I’m grateful for the guilt feeling being 90% eliminated however am wanting to focus on working on my issues. Not a lot of therapy options where I currently live. šŸ˜‰

    Mom covers it all; physical, emotional and mental. She has been having ‘health issues’ that she consistently told my sisters and I that she’s “terminal”….that began 30 years ago. She was an only child and I know a little of some traumatic experiences in her past. I don’t have a problem with having compassion with that however she doesn’t want to talk about it (which is fine, that’s her decision and I respect that). It is difficult for me to see her having love for myself and my sisters when it seems more like we are there to ‘serve’ her. I don’t say that lightly. She lives in another state, my sisters and their families are in the same town as her. Recently moved to an assisted living facility but still needs 9 other adults to come help her every day (go to the grocery store, little odds-n-ends in her apartment)…the woman is a master delegater. Short example: we visit for a nephew’s graduation (which she is too ill to attend, something we’ve heard often over the past 3 decades) and there’s a large notebook-sized mirror leaning against the wall. It had fallen off the nail. Days ago. She asked my husband to bend down and put it back up because she just can’t do those things anymore (like bending over). The assisted living facility, that she pays for, have staff and services so there is NO reason to be phoning my sisters, their husbands, nor their adult children. But to keep things fair; she makes sure that she has a long list of errands for me to run for her when I come visit…so my sisters won’t feel resentment towards me. That’s a brief glimpse there.

    Dad, in his final year, shared a lot of his struggles with mom with me…especially things that were current. Many times he was asked if he wanted to leave the house but he refused. The disease that ended up taking his life, is believed to also have some dementia in the later stages. However. I believed him, having lived with mom and her rages before. And after he passed, mom was honest with one sister about a couple of incidents which sis shared with me that fall in line with what Dad told me. Dad was my favorite. He gave unconditional love, never disowned me (yes, mom did), great at advice/asking you questions that made you think. Yes, he had his faults too. And I also totally get that they both did the best with what they had, who they were/are.

    Mom’s health issues (physical) began when I was 14. Granddad had died two years prior; he stayed with us in his final weeks (that I didn’t know were coming) in which mom has since talked about it a bit with me….how she didn’t realize how much she had expected out of me during that time and care she ‘dumped’ on me (I was basically an acting CNA to my granddad once I got home from school). It was confusing at the time especially since I was constantly grounded for reasons I didn’t understand (gpa went down to a 3.7 when it was a 3.8). The following year was caring for my maternal grandmother when she fell and broke her shoulder. That summer, mom collapsed on the sidewalk and could barely talk….she had a small stroke. No drugs helped and there were frequent doctors visits with frequent med/dose changes (mom is also a non-compliant patient). Frantic runs to the emergency room occurred every couple of months until I was 19, when a cardiologist found blockage in her arteries. Two open-heart surgeries with multiple bypasses over the next 6 years in which I took care of her, ran errands, etc. During this time, my sisters were both married and had started their own families. So it was easier for me since I was single, one time living at home, not at the stage of life they were at (recently having to remind them of that because they were feeling resentful of me living away but now I”m where they were at that time; married, hubby working in another state, raising young children…big age gap between myself and sisters, 9 & 11 years). There were yearly trips to the ER that she (SHE not the doctors needing her to) needed to stay in the hospital, have tests run to be reassured that everything was ok….and that continues to this day.

    I get the fear. I understand and can feel compassion for that with her, I really do. But you don’t lash out at the ones who are trying to love you and take care of you. She expresses gratitude to me about my sisters, rarely me…and she does it like that with all 3 of us (Sis A hears about myself and Sis B, Sis B hears about myself and Sis A). I don’t know if she really thinks the three of us do not talk? She is mentally competent…mentally she isn’t nor hasn’t lost a thing. She expects us to anticipate her needs, always has and when you don’t answer her in a split second, watch out!

    My dad rushed to her side….every time. Even when he was close to death himself, he showed more concern for her and her health. He asked me if I could stay unbiased because he didn’t want to influence my feelings towards mom. I thought I could. I have letters that she wrote me, venting about my father’s failing health and what she was having to do for him. She’s big on writing letters….she will have written me one to complain that my children didn’t send their ‘thank-yous’ in a timely manner and I’ll talk to her while it is enroute, no clue that a mean nasty-gram is coming my way. I’ll be completely blind-sided because we will have had a good conversation a day or two prior. I’m cautious about opening myself up to her because usually when I start to…without fail, she ‘stabs’ me.

    I can’t cut off contact because I feel that I would be abandoning my sisters. Yes, people-pleaser here and I’m working on that as well. I’m grateful for the physical distance, especially for my kids….because more than likely they will never experience her rages.

    I’m numb. I hate to say that I just don’t care but I’m not sure how else to phrase that. Raised with the belief we are supposed to love and respect our parents, no matter what. I’m having a very difficult time finding a way to forgive her for the treatment of my dad in his final year(s). Trying to think of times that I felt she was loving towards me, hold on to those memories. Talking with her about these issues….not an option. Why? She’s never open to it unless it is on her terms. Most conversations are superficial, at best. She wants to know what is going on in our lives but only on her terms, no negativity allowed.

    Shortly after moving, when the house was sold and signed, my sisters both took vacations over the same weekend; out of town. My mom had my niece take her to the hospital for chest pains (anxiety/stress). She stayed in the hospital for a few days. One sis was angry with the world because she feels she can’t go anywhere or something happens with mom. I was in another state. Mom wasn’t dying or in danger of it, sis asked me to call and take care of it. So I made the calls to the assisted living facility, talked with the manager who was going to run by the hospital and talk with mom (allrighty, nothing to report there). Phone call to sis to let her know I was awaiting a return phone call from the manager and would then talk with mom about what needed to be done. Meanwhile, sis talks with mom (unbeknownst to me). I call mom to check in on her and she demands to know what is going on with the manager and why did I call him?! I explain they needed to know she wasn’t at the facility and we were trying to figure out what care she needed when she was discharged and how timely we could get that put together plus the manager is going to come by to see/chat with her. She tells me to call her when the manager calls me back. Later that evening, I call her back because the manager hasn’t called me, I’ve left messages…nothing to report. She says ok, well call me when you talk with him. I text the sis who decided to drive back home and sis tells me to talk with mom because the manager had stopped by and seen mom earlier. The manager had come by to see mom before I called her to check on her….she knew, played dumb….all this drama, for what? This was just this past February.

    I brought the kids down to see her and the rest of the family a couple of weeks ago. Sure enough, she had a grocery list. Why is this a thorn in my side? My niece went to the grocery store for her barely two days earlier. I don’t mind doing errands….just wish I could offer before it is demanded of me.

    With all of this….this is how it has been, pretty much, for the past 30 years. I accept that I’ll never have the relationship with my mother that I long for. I feel ashamed that I wish I didn’t have to have anything to do with her at all but I think that feeling really stems from feeling emotionally exhausted with 30 years of mom’s anxiety about her health. Conflicted and some guilt that my sisters are having to do it without me (even though, I did it many years without them doing anything).

    How can I freely give her love and compassion? I simply feel done.

    For those of you that read this far, thank you. I’m not looking for sympathy, commiserating with anyone nor having a pity party with this post….I truly want to give as much love and compassion in her final years as I can. I believe that people are deserving of more love, not less. Just currently feeling empty of love to give towards her and still very angry about her treatment to dad.

    Thanks.

    P.S. Has anyone participated in the “Recreate Your Life Story” on tinybuddha? I’m considering it….

    #111933
    CLB
    Participant

    Hello Struggling. I have a lot of the same issues with my mother…although she doesn’t pull the “pity me” card.

    She is a kind person, but is fundamentally selfish. For my own sanity I have had to distance myself both physically and emotionally. Recently I started doing EFT so I could get rid of some of the negative emotional blocks I have regarding my issues with her and I’m finding more peace.

    I would suggest the following: 1. You can’t give what you don’t have so pretending won’t help. 2. Find a way to set some boundaries so you can give ONLY that which you are capable of giving; 3. It sounds like you all sort of enable her behavior so maybe think about whether this is really serving her or if you have all fallen into this trap; 4. How she treats your father is not your issue, your problem or your responsibility as he is a grown man.

    Overall, just accept she is NOT the mother you want her to be. She will NEVER be the mother you want her to be. Do the best you can with what you have and what you can give.

    I limit my time and my conversations with my mother. I am not at a point where I can trust her to really be there emotionally. But, she does the best she can and I have to accept that this is all she is capable of. It sucks. But, its life and if you keep trying to be somewhere you aren’t you’ll just keep being pissed at yourself. Forgive. Forgive her and forgive yourself. BUT….that doesn’t mean give her anything and everything that makes her feel comfortable. Figure out what you need to keep the relationship at a place where you can handle it. Trust me…I get it. I don’t want to feel the way I do toward my mother, but it is what it is and healing takes a long, long time and sometimes never comes. Good luck šŸ™‚

    #111955
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Choccoffeewine:

    You wrote: ” Raised with the belief we are supposed to love and respect our parents, no matter what”-

    Children automatically love their parents no matter what, no matter who the parents are. And we are raised to continue to do so… no matter what.

    But if nature took it upon itself to protect you from the distress of loving your mother by numbing your feelings for her, then take nature’s numbing-mercy with gratitude and don’t struggle to love her. You are numb for a reason- loving her is harmful to you.

    anita

    #111981
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Choccoffeewine,

    In our subconscious mind where Mythology resonates, there dwell The Perfect Beneficent Parents. Most of us try to live up to the Great Mother or Great Father Archetype. Your dad, for example, made a good attempt. Your mom didn’t even try. Now, we still have The Archetype that lives in us. And all we can do is forgive our bumbling, imperfect parents for fulfilling, say, 10% of it (they kept us alive after all).

    I would stick to a schedule (say, visit her every month and call once a week. And answer texts and calls etc. after 5).

    And I would also Throw Money At It.

    When everyone calls you screaming, say, simply, “OK, I’ll call tomorrow and will see you next week!”

    When your mom throws you a laundry list of chores, errands, etc., say, “I hired this local girl to do that for you.”

    You are changing The Script. You are holding fast to your Boundaries. You are Managing everyone else’s Expectations.

    This is The Gift your mother is actually giving you!

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #111986
    Peaceatlast
    Participant

    Hi, Choccoffeewine,
    I’m sorry so much of your life has been like this. In dealing with a couple of siblings who are similar to your mother, I found that learning how to deal with a “Narcissist” gave me the insight I needed. YouTube has some therapists who make no bones about what drives their behavior, how to and how not to manage them, and the backlash to anticipate. I also agree with the suggestion above that you and your sister can provide Mom with phone numbers of service-for-hire people she can call to do her bidding. Screen your calls. If it’s important, they’ll leave a message. If the message is just more of the usual, delete it and don’t respond. This is loving yourself, your family, and your siblings, and it’s allowing Mom to finally take responsibility for her choices. Good for you, you’re doing the right thing by establishing your boundaries.

    #111994
    Amanda
    Participant

    I’m not a therapist, but I have dealt with similar issues with my own mother. Given my experience, and what I read from you as well as other books on the subject, I believe your mother may be a victim of NPD- Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Iā€™ll provide you with some resources at the end of this that I believe you may get some insight, if not help, about NPD. YOU ARE NOT ALONE in your struggle.
    Itā€™s not surprising to me that you describe yourself as a ā€œpeople pleaserā€- reformed one right here. But think about this: are a people pleaser because you genuinely want to be, or because you were taught to be by your motherā€™s demands and what you call ā€œrageā€ when she doesnā€™t get her way? It is a question I asked myself one of the many times I went no contact with my own mother- typically after a fight, which, not surprisingly, never worked. You and your sisterā€™s (and all the children) seem to be victims of your mothers (assumed) NPD. Her skipping your nephewā€™s graduation sounds like a way of keeping the attention on herself during what should be a time of celebration. Yes- even in her absence, she did something that would gain her some attention. Maybe even one of you went to check on her the same day that your nephew and the family was to be celebrating his success. By not showing up to his graduation, I believe your mother is sending a very clear message: I am to be the center of attention, and if something isnā€™t about me, Iā€™ll do anything I can to make sure it becomes about me.
    A few other examples I noticed from you send off red flags when looking for NPD: your mother being ā€œillā€ with chest pain while your sisters are on vacation, people in the family going to the grocery store for her when she seems capable going herself, even her letters about the way her husbandā€™s failing health was affecting HER. These are all ways of keeping the attention on herself. You stated that your father always rushed to her side; I believe that is because he, like you, learned that the best way to deal with mom was to appease her. Enable her. Keep mom happy, and weā€™ll all be ā€œhappyā€ too. But I donā€™t believe you are happy, or you wouldnā€™t be here.
    I sincerely hope this isnā€™t coming across as guilt-shaming- I myself have been the victim of the same situation for the past 30 years, the same amount of time you have, and have only recently gained the clarity to speak in honesty about what affected (and infected) every area of my life for the past 30 years. We are the exception, not the rule. From what Iā€™ve read, some children of narcissistic parents donā€™t even realize that they were a victim of abuse until after the parent passes away. Itā€™s all weā€™ve ever known- how can we doubt their love for us?
    It is fairly common for daughters of narcissistic mothers to feel guilt for either not loving their mother enough, or not feeling like youā€™re doing enough for her. Itā€™s the product of your upbringing- not anything you yourself have done. Read that again: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Iā€™ve been doing the same for my mother for 30 years, and I completely understand your sense of loyalty to her. It is actually admirable in a family member. Itā€™s only when that loyalty is not returned and in fact taken advantage of that it becomes a double-edged sword- hurting both you and the abuser. As a fellow traveler in this journey , I would encourage you to ask yourself ā€œIs my time best served to my mother, who wonā€™t ever get enough attention, or to my own family, who need and deserve wife/mother who is happy and at peace?ā€
    It sounds like you and your sisters have formed a tripod in order to support your mother, a constantly shifting weight that you have to bend beneath to support. Your concern seems to be that if you donā€™t hold up your end anymore, the remaining weight will collapse on your sisters. It seems as though you think you have to continue to hold up your end for the sake of mom. But you donā€™t. Despite what you may think, it doesnā€™t benefit your mother for you or your sisters (or your families) to continue to keep someone from supporting themselves. You do not have to bear the weight of your motherā€™s problems, if you donā€™t want to. I felt as though I was pulling my end to support my mother for 30 years, and only very recently became aware of the abuse (yes, abuse) I was suffering and enabling, against my knowledge. The fact that I felt I was responsible for my motherā€™s (and everyone elseā€™s) emotions was a problem in and of itself, one that I didnā€™t realize until I turned 30.
    I would encourage you to look at http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com and/or http://www.luke173ministries.org. The first, especially, is a great site to hear about other daughters whose mothers suffer from the disease, and goes into depth on EFT, which user CLB mentioned in a previous response. Also, if you want to attempt to create boundaries between you and your mother, it can help with something called ā€œLow Contactā€ or ā€œNo Contactā€. Iā€™ve recently put into play the one of these with my mother, and it took a long time (and a lot of struggle) to happen, but I have gained an insight and happiness that I never thought was possible. I no longer hear her voice telling me that Iā€™m not good enough. All it means is that I canā€™t be good enough for her, and thatā€™s because nobody can.
    Iā€™m not advocating LC or NC, but sharing my personal story. If youā€™d need someone to hear your struggle, know that I have been there, and you arenā€™t alone.

    #112070
    Choccoffeewine
    Participant

    Thanks for all your replies/feedback.

    CLB: Currently, my little family lives far enough away that we can’t be of much help but can get there in a day, if need be. Appreciate you sharing your experience, thank you.

    Anita: Thanks for your compassionate message.

    Inky: Thanks for the different approach, appreciate a different option in how to view and handle things. You said something about the gifts your mother gives you….and you’re absolutely correct. In visiting with a friend last night, I saw where the authentic, honest relationship I have with my spouse was partially due to this relationship I have with my mom.

    Peaceatlast: Thanks for sharing your ideas, experiences.

    nyres817: I appreciate you sharing resources and your story.

    There’s no doubt in my mind that there’s an emotional/mental issue underlying mom’s behavior and treatment of others. I spoke with both sisters, months ago, about the possibility of some level of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. One thinks it isn’t the case but rather mom is extremely selfish. While the other doesn’t say much (as she stated that when dad died, she was going to have very little, if anything, to do with mom). That one knows a lot more than what she’s saying, sometimes relays some stories/memories but generally tries not to say much.

    Mom was extremely firm and strict when we were raised, a controlling parent. There wasn’t a complete absence of love but rather when we approached a certain age (around 10) she withheld love, affection was no longer appropriate. At that time, the ‘rages’ (which were going from 0 to 180 with anger) were not clear as to what set it off…one never knew what would upset her. Punishments made little sense. So that was very confusing and still is. Also know that there’s a history of abuse on that side of the family (via stories from grandma). From stories relayed to me, it sounds as though she experienced post-partum depression with me (grandmother shamed her about being pregnant at 40). It sounds that dad and my siblings were heavily involved in my care. My siblings are 9 and 11 years older than I.

    There was never an official diagnosis and I don’t believe mom ever sought help with that either….which may go along with a popular belief system in her age group (depression isn’t a real disease).

    It was very confusing for me. Lots of ‘flip-flopping’ on what I got punished for, severity of punishments that didn’t fit the crime or ‘imagined’ crime (yeah, got punished for what she thought I did even if I didn’t do it). She and I have a hard time communicating with each other. I can state things simply and bluntly and she doesn’t understand it. She expects me to read her mind and instinctively know what help she needs, when she needs it. ha ha…I haven’t evolved THAT much yet. šŸ˜‰

    I share these bits and pieces….not to have a vent session, pity party or “Poor me!! I’m such a victim!”. Not at all. It is a puzzle that I feel such a huge drive to solve. Its painful sometimes to meditate and have memories, I had long forgotten, surface. I seek to remember the good memories as well. I guess, as a mother myself, I now see more of an abused inner child that lashes out at the world…instead of the monster I used to see. Forgiveness….it will take some time but I know it will come. That is something that isn’t typically difficult for me, forgiveness.

    I have checked out the ‘daughters of narcissistic mothers’ website and found valuable information. I have also been reading (little chunks at a time) “Codependent No More” and a friend loaned me “Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise”. While I really want to understand this, find compassion for it and find a love for her that I can give without feeling hurt that it isn’t reciprocated; I’m also searching for freedom. Physically distance doesn’t matter if I still allow her to affect me as she always has, snap her fingers and I perform. I understand that I’m responsible for my choices and I’m as free as I allow myself to be (internally). I’ve discovered less guilt, more self-love over this past year. I had a few days at one point that I felt this huge beam (think Iron Man) of love radiating from my chest….and I loved that!

    I don’t know what the future will bring but I always have hope. And yes, maybe that hope is in vain….but maybe that’s why I’m also numb right now. I’m hopeful yet protecting myself…out of habit. What I don’t expect is unconditional love, acceptance from my mom. Those hardly ever came when one did things exactly as she wanted you to, so not going to happen even if I’m happier than I’ve ever been. However, it is also a life lesson and these memories, educating myself (thanks everyone for your input)…this cycle stops with me. I’m NOT passing it onto my children. It’ll be interesting to see how they evolve and improve on parenting (if/when they have their own). In the meantime, CLB is right….I need to work on accepting that this is all she has/can give. I do wish for her to feel more authentic love for herself, feel more acceptance…so maybe she can feel some of that freedom herself before she’s gone.

    Thanks for your replies and thanks so much for reading. šŸ™‚

    #112083
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Choccoffeewine:

    The best line, for me, in your latest post is: “this cycle stops with me. Iā€™m NOT passing it onto my children.”
    I like that very much, oh how better the world will be if it was so for many other parents.

    Your mother, like any other mother, was once a child and as a child she was deeply hurt. This is what I learned from my experience with my abusive mother: it is harmful for my mental health to continue to feel empathy for her. She deserves empathy, only not my empathy. She deserves, if she looks for it, for someone to help her understand what motivates her and how to go about her life in healthy ways- only I am the wrong person to attempt to be that for her.

    And she deserves to be loved, only not by me.

    The reason is that she hurt me and she did so personally, in person: it was a personal affair between her and me. When she attacked the little girl that I was, loving her unconditionally, needing her desperately, when she attacked that little girl again and again, that was personal.

    This is why it can’t be me to love her, to try to understand her, to try to help her.

    Our mothers, they are not just people for us. When we were children, they were part of us, automatically. There was no separate identity.

    To heal from the mother’s abuse, a daughter has to leave that identity, that one unit of identity. To empathize, to try to love an abusive mother is to stay in that unit.

    anita

    #112100
    Choccoffeewine
    Participant

    Anita,

    How do you leave that identity? By accepting that I don’t feel that love, I don’t feel a bond?

    And by the way, I completely relate to what you posted about the hurt being personal.

    Thanks.

    #112108
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Choccoffeewine:

    You are welcome. How do you leave that identity? By not engaging in feeling empathy for your mother, by not trying to feel love for her; by not believing it is a virtue or a desired thing to feel empathy to a person who mistreats you.

    Instead of focusing on her, focus on you. Instead of feeling empathy for her, feel empathy for you.

    anita

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