I think, your insecurities are caused by what she did to you in the beginning of your relationship. Since she showed you that you’re not supposed to be close to other sex you would have developed the same notion. I believe that, before asking someone to abstain from something, we should be capable of abstaining ourselves. If that’s not happening, then it naturally feels unjust.
However,People change over time and it is hard to adapt to such changes and it is good that you ended the relationship. Concentrate on getting back to your old self and get busy.. Good Luck!

Dear liquidsnake:

For 1.6 years you had a relationship with a woman. It was mental/ emotional but not physical.

What do you mean by it being not physical? Was it partly or mostly a long distance relationship/ online relationship? When you were physically present with each other- did you hold hands? Hug?

Why was there no physical closeness?

She discouraged you from having contact with other female friends but she had contact with male friends, correct?
What kind of contact did she have with other male friends? Mostly online? In person? Did those male friends try to date her?

You asked: “Am I a narcissist? Was my behaviour controlling?” Did she say that you are a narcissist and that you are controlling? What did she consider to be a narcissist and a controlling man?

You asked: “Is it too much to ask for?” What are you asking for?

And you asked: “Is this how u treat your loved ones…” What about how she treated you do you find offensive, specifically?

anita

Hey liquidsnake,

Thank you for the additional information — it really helped clear up the nature of your relationship. First, a year and a half is a long time for a relationship to last, especially without being physical. I think sex tends to be what some couples latch on to and make them stay together even after the relationship fizzes out. I respect your discipline to keep things on only an emotional level, but that can be so fragile, especially when one or both members have a tendency for jealousy (I am the same way, but my tendency is to try to get some distance rather than beating up every guy I see around her, which also might have been what her tendency was). So it may not have been anything you did that caused it to end, nothing you could have done to save it.

I have been there, man — the cold aches in your gut when you wake up, the depression, the constant thoughts of her. It’s brutal. I wish I could say something that would help make you feel better, and I would if I knew the right words or advice, but I don’t. I think all you can do it give it time.

I have this little “wisdom book” that is a collection of countless self-help books, and every time I read a problem I flip through it to see if there is some advice I could give that could help, and I thought this could help you: “Everyone wants to be loved. But before you can be loved, you have to make yourself lovable. Nurture yourself without concern for a reward and the reward of love will find you.” When the pain subsides some, maybe try some inner-reflection and make some goals about the person you want to become. For example, you say you can’t quit smoking. I have been there, too! I assure you that even though it may be one of the most difficult things you’ve ever done, you really can quit. Try to identify your weaknesses and turn them into strengths. Who knows, maybe once you start to focus on yourself and how you can improve, she will come back into your life, or maybe someone you love even more will.

And cut yourself a break. You seem like a guy. Good luck with everything.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Mark.

Dear Jay:

I don’t know about your username. I am a member here just like you: I don’t run the website. You can click CONTACTS above and send an email to Tech Support regarding your username.

As to your latest posts: I think I understand. When you were a child, your brain was forming. This is why our childhoods are called the Formative Years- our brains are forming. There you were, a baby, a young child and your father is a dictator. What do you do? You don’t have the ability to stand up for yourself- you don’t even have a “yourself” -formed- to stand up for! Plus you are a dependent, literally too small and weak to stand up for yourself, and … dependent. Your physical survival is dependent on your parents. So of course you will do anything and everything you can to please your father. You definitely don’t want the man-in-control of your life angry at you! So naturally, you submit, obey, roll over.

There is no shame in that- it is a natural reaction. Anyone in your little boy place would do so. And your forming brain was therefore formed with submitting, obeying, rolling over as your way of operating.

The only way to change this operation is to do so intentionally, paying attention to every opportunity to stand up for yourself, to assert yourself. No way is too small to practice. And so you notice an opportunity, practice, evaluate, and do this again and again… not expecting perfection from yourself. In fact, accept imperfection- it will feel … unnatural. But over time and practice this new way of operating will feel natural.

Therapy with a competent, caring therapist will be helpful in this regard, if possible for you.

Hope you post again…

anita