Unwanted "relationship"

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This topic has 11 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 7 months ago by Anonymous.

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April 28, 2016 at 2:38 am #102995

Patricia
Participant

My close friends and family call her crazy, obsessed, and jealous, but I’m not sure what to call it exactly. I’ve been doing research on personality disorders, toxic people, etc, but I can’t quite seem to be able to put a label on this as to better help me find a resolution. What I do know is that I can’t quite seem to get away. I thought that perhaps an outside perspective would help?

During my sophomore year of college, I became friends with a fellow student. Our friendship started off as what seemed normal, but during our junior year I came to realize that she was just using me for her own personal gain. As such, I slowly started to distance myself from her. This action of mine caused her to start following me around campus; I’d be sitting with friends during breaks, turn around, and BAM she’d be sitting just a chair or two away watching me. She’d find out about a class that I was taking, and BAM she’d show up to class on the waitlist.

She made it clear that she disliked me as she started to spread rumors about me at school within her social network. The high school mentality didn’t bother me, but then she got a job where I worked. In talking with co-workers, she found out my career plans and followed suit. Needless to say, my senior year is hell right now. She has been very manipulative, made herself out to be a victim, and has gotten fellow students to dislike me. The disapproving body language and looks I have received I put up with as I believe that the truth will eventually come out.

As she has gotten no response from me at school, she has now started drama at work. She brags about her grades and makes it seem that I am jealous of her. When at work, I never know what I am in for. She either ignores me and acts like she is hurt because I was “mean” to her, is mean to me when no one is around, and/or is overly kind and sweet to me in front of other people. In the past couple months she started sending her friends to do her bidding. When they realized I would not cave, they started to troll. One by one they would inquire about what my plans were after graduation and each time I kept my answer short, sweet, and open ended. As I gave them nothing, I caught them using social media as a means to try and figure out what my plans were. Along with that, they would insistently try to make me jealous of her; her new amazing boyfriend, her trip around the world, etc etc. My response? “That’s nice” because I honestly don’t care.

Last week she intentionally bragged about how wonderful she is as she got into grad school in front of me. Why does that matter? Because we will now be attending grad school together. I have tried to distance myself from her and her friends as much as I possibly can, and at this point I just don’t know what to do.

Any thoughts would be GREATLY appreciated. I have been so stressed about the turmoil coming up in my life.

April 28, 2016 at 5:04 am #103006
Inky
Participant
Oh pat02,

You are a victim of Gang Stalking! This girl IS obsessed with you. With her personality, I think she *might* find someone/something else to be obsessed with one day.

I know it’s not fair, but can you go off social media? Block and/or hide her and her friends?

Some other thoughts come to mind. Secretly (the key word here) transferring, moving, changing your numbers. Travelling abroad.

Giving her a restraining order. THAT will give her something REAL to talk about! There is no socially acceptable way to say, “Can you believe so-and-so gave me a restraining order?” without sounding crazy.

Can you be direct with her: “Stop shadowing my life”.

My DH’s ex girlfriend used to do that to HIM: She joined his club, got a job in his office, became friends with his parents. By always being in each of his sub-worlds she would be in his life. When he met me and moved on, she did eventually quit the job and the club, and finally moved after his parents told her he was engaged.

She could be romantically obsessed with you. And acting all angry because she doesn’t like it herself. I know it sounds weird. But the good news is that as more time goes by the more likely it is that she will focus on her next victim.

Good Luck!

Inky
- This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Inky.
April 28, 2016 at 9:10 am #103025

Anonymous
Guest

Dear pat02:

I would love to help you figure this out. I have a couple of questions to start with, and if you’d like to answer them, please do.

I don’t know if you are a man or a woman, or otherwise if there been any romantic/ physical attraction or interest on her part or yours in the past. Has there?

Second, you wrote: “Our friendship started off as what seemed normal, but during our junior year I came to realize that she was just using me for her own personal gain.” Can you elaborate on how she used you and for what personal gain?

anita

April 28, 2016 at 2:01 pm #103046

Patricia
Participant

Hi Inky,

Thanks for responding! I have been direct with her on two occasions. She just ends up walking away then it all just gets worse; her looks get more hateful and her friends get meaner, so I’ve just been polite when needed (at work) then ignoring them the rest of the time.

I have also dealt with the social media issue. As soon as I caught them browsing through my social media I deleted and blocked all of them, and double checked my privacy settings. The only thing is, we do share common friends from work. I’ve known these people longer than they have and I consider them good friends so I didn’t want to delete them too. A few of my really close friends know what is going on, but the others I haven’t told as I don’t want them to be put in the middle. These girls that I’ve been dealing with can come off so sweet, genuine, and kind when they want to.

I think you may be right about the obsession and that she’ll eventually move on (hopefully!), but then I feel bad for her next victim. No one should have to go through this. And the romanticizing part actually doesn’t sound all that weird…

Thanks,
Pat

April 28, 2016 at 2:26 pm #103049

Patricia
Participant

Hi anita,

I am a straight woman and she just got a new boyfriend so there is no attraction that I know of.

The personal gain that I was referring to was in regards to grades. She knew that I was smart and got good grades so she used me to try and improve hers. She did things like: she would ask to check her homework with mine so she could get 100% but then she wouldn’t say anything if she noticed I made a mistake; she would always come to me for help but would play dumb if I had a question about something; she would also get mad when I did better than her on exams and also tried steer me in the wrong direction intentionally (on several occasions) so she could have a leg up; she even tried to take credit for things that I did academically and would intentionally take courses after me (with the same professor) then ask for my old exams. There’s more, but then we could be here forever – literally.

I do believe that part of her hatred towards me is because she was always trying to compete with me and always lost.

Pat

April 28, 2016 at 3:38 pm #103061

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Pat:

Maybe she is a dishonest woman who hates not getting her way. Maybe she is used to getting her way with people, a practiced manipulator. And a successful one, except with you. And she may be a perfectionist in her quest for success via dishonest manipulation. As a perfectionist, successfully manipulating her friends, her boyfriend and there you are.. setting a boundary with her, and she doesn’t like it. It irks her that she failed with you and she wants to destroy the reminder of her failure.

This is a guess. Your thoughts..?

anita

April 28, 2016 at 4:10 pm #103063

Patricia
Participant

Hi anita,

Thanks for responding. I think Inky hit the nail on the head. That is not to say that you are not correct either. It could very well be that she’s also upset because she could not manipulate me – she is VERY good at it!

Thank you both for your insights! It has helped tremendously in helping me understand what is going on.

Pat

April 28, 2016 at 7:47 pm #103079

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Pat:

You are welcome.
anita

April 30, 2016 at 8:20 pm #103211
Karen
Participant
This sounds like a person that has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. All the actions you described is typical Narc behaviour. Her “friends” are called flying monkeys. The word “friend” is in quotation marks because Narcs typically use people for their own personal gain, they are not capable of true friendship.

You are correct. The Narc is upset because she was unable to manipulate you.

“For those who don’t know this term, “flying monkeys” are people that a narcissist uses to do their bidding. Sometimes, a narcissist will not attack you publicly in any way–which makes them look good–but they are privately telling carefully chosen people how evil and awful you are. They select these people the same way they chose you. They are experts at reading people and realizing who will make an easy target and a puppet. They also know who won’t, so they avoid the people they can’t easily use. Narcissists usually choose other, lesser, narcissists who will enjoy attacking you, or they choose very empathetic people who believe their stories and honestly believe they are supporting an innocent person. These flying monkeys then proceed to stalk you and report back to the narcissist–again, either to be mean or because they think they are helping the wronged party. Or, the worst flying monkeys will spread the lies the narcissist tells them privately by taking them public. The lies don’t come from the narcissist’s mouth, so they can claim they are “taking the high road,” but the words the flying monkeys spread are *exactly* what they heard from the narc. They do the narcissist’s evil, but make it seem like the narcissist isn’t really involved. They have no idea they are being used. The term comes from the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz since the wicked witch sends them to carry out her attacks. Most of the time, the narcissist has convinced the monkeys that the narcissist is the victim and the real victim is the abuser, so the monkeys go after the real victim and treat the real victim like the abuser”

I would advise everyone to do a little research about NPD because these toxic personalities have the ability to cause damage in your professional and personal life. It is best to avoid them and learn educate yourself on red flag behaviour.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Karen.
May 2, 2016 at 7:45 pm #103412

Patricia
Participant

OMG Karen,

I was reading your reply and I kept going “Yes… Yes… Yes…” It described EXACTLY what has been going on with her and her friends. I had researched personality disorders and kept coming to NPD, but at times it seemed so extreme that I wasn’t sure if that was it. I am definitely going to do some more research on it.

Thanks so much for responding!

Pat

May 6, 2016 at 8:11 pm #103829

Patricia
Participant

Update:

So the past few weeks has been extremely draining. I usually just brush everything off, but it’s really been getting to me lately. I tried confiding in a couple friends recently (more to de-stress and get if off my chest really), but they always try to see the best in people and they don’t think it’s that big of a deal (if anything at all).

The more I thought about it, the more petty it seemed that I was “complaining.” But what I don’t think they realize is that these aren’t small separate incidences – it’s one person after another intentionally doing the same thing to me.

May 6, 2016 at 8:26 pm #103834

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Patricia:

What was the last thing she did to you???

anita
Author

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