“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow. It only saps today of its joy.” -Leo Buscaglia
A friend of mine got engaged this September. Previously, she and her fiance agreed that they both did not want children. But recently she’s been wondering about whether or not she’ll regret this some day–when she’s older and it’s no longer physically possible.
Mere nights before I discussed this with her, I read some discouraging research about the effects of parenting on happiness: Daniel Gilbert reports that “parenting makes most people about as happy as an act of housework.”
I suspect that’s not universally true, and I still want children. But part of me can’t help wondering how I’ll feel after I actually have them–if I’ll feel it was the right choice in the right time.
It’s instinctive to wonder how we’ll feel down the line–to some extent, it guides our decision-making process. But the reality is, no matter what choice we make, there will be pros and cons. And on some level, we will likely imagine how life might have been if we took a different path.
We have limitless choices in life, and every one is simultaneously a decision to do one thing and not do something else.
Choosing to be a home owner is choosing not to have the freedom of a month-to-month lease. Choosing to accept an exciting, demanding job is choosing to have less time to yourself than you may have had otherwise.
We can either stress about everything we might miss by following our instincts, or trust that we are making the right decisions based on our wants, values, and priorities.
Of course, this assumes we are able to hear and trust our instincts. It presupposes we’re willing to look within and then honor what we find.
Today if you find yourself worrying about the path you’re taking, remember: You made this choice for a reason. You can only enjoy it if you choose not to stress about it.
Photo by Cheryl.R
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Lately I have wondered what my family is missing out on because I choose to quit my job to stay home with my kids. Your blog felt like a message from the universe to me. Thank you!!!
When I was younger, I made a firm decision not to have children. God stepped in and decided I would get pregnant while on birth control pills. I was devastated, but decided to keep the child. Thirty years later, I can honestly say that being a mother is the one thing I have done truly well. And my daughter has taught me everything I needed to know about love and spirituality. Had I not had my daughter, I’m sure I would have learned different lessons about different things in different ways. I think as a Buddhist it is important to remember that it is not always so important to make the “right” decision as it is to be “present” for the outcomes we are presented with in this lifetime (because we chose them, even if we don’t remember doing so). Often, what we want least, is what we need most.
As a fat old white guy injineer, who’s spouse of 40 years has just passed, I have a different experience. Hence different advice.
My wife and I had decided we were going to have children early in the courtship. (Important to get the big issues ironed out early.) Unfortunately, God, the Universe, the Fates, or just dumb bad luck, prevented that physically and legally. (The “enlightened” Gooferment bureaucrats and social workers “decided” that we were a bad risk. My wife’s type 1 diabetes meant “that everyone knows” she would not survive for 20 years. She died at age 64, Guess they got that wrong!).
So, with tremendous life long sadness, she lived her life. Children who happened to be around her found a playmate, benefactor, and tireless activist for whatever they wanted. Always with the caveat that “It has to be Mommy approved”. At her wake, the children and parents all commented that she was a God send.
My wisdom on “children” is that the desire NOT to have any is a contra survival trait. In one of the Heinlein novels, the characters discuss how genetic selection might be able to breed better humans. And that the human race needed diversity.
From my point of view, the desire to have progeny is an essential survival characteristic and the most natural instincts. It seems like the youngsters are screwing up their lives. Delayed, or avoiding it all together, marriage. Abortions. And, delayed entry into their real life.
I’d urge the couple to carefully consider the decision not forego having children. Lest when they hit my age and really regret not having family.
Great post.
The concept of future regret is something I deal with on a daily basis in my work with financial professionals. The fear of regret often impacts one’s investment decisions. When it comes to financial decisions, what typically happens is that the fear of future regret makes one either too risk averse or overly risk thinking. And when it comes to regret, I spend a lot time working with financial professionals who are driven by what I call FOMO – fear of missing out. FOMO among bankers and other money managers is partly responsible for why the economy is in the present condition….FOMO and fear of future regret caused bankers to over leverage various financial instruments becuase they feared missing out on future profits. I speak from direct experience as some of my clients are major figures on Wall Street.
Cheryl R., I adore that photo!
Thanks Andrew. It’s interesting to hear about this from a financial perspective–I know all about FOMO in other areas of life!
It’s gorgeous, huh? I really enjoy searching through the Buddha photos on Flickr. =)
You’re most welcome! I suspect I will be a stay-at-home mom when I have children, as well. I think it’s wonderful that you were able to make that choice and did!
Isn’t it funny how sometimes we end up wanting things we thought we never would? I love what you wrote about being present for the outcomes, as opposed to stressing about making the “right” choice. I think it’s a tremendously empowering way to live. Thank you for sharing some of your experience!
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Don’t think for a moment that you have your daughter fooled. Kids know when they are not wanted and they sense when their parent is unhappy. Perhaps counseling would give you an opportunity to work out your resentments.
I know whereof you speak. I was a single mom to a foster daughter who came to me at 9 but who thought she was 16! She became my life overnight, and her issues were huge. In the 3 years she lived with me I reached the end of my rope numerous times. She was/is a difficult child. But I had to tell myself, “I chose this. She did not choose to be born into the home of an alcoholic mother and a father who would turn out to be a pedophile. But I chose to be a parent.” Also, I grew up with a mother who was extremely self centered and self absorbed and who constantly felt put upon by her kids. I was raised by a martyr and could do nothing right by her. I was determined not to be that kind of emotionally distant mother. Counseling, both separately and together helped us both me and my little girl cope better with each other.
At 12 the court awarded custody of her to her mom who had done the necessary work on her problems. Knowing that this child really required 2 parents, or better yet, a village, I told her mom, I would support her in this going forward. And so we have proceeded. Now she is 16 1/2 and just as much a handful. The only difference is that she has 2 moms who pull their hair out and commiserate with each other!
When I reach my wits end with her now, I remind myself that I choose her. And now, as I am no longer an agent of the state, or her legal guardian, this is completely my choice and not my obligation. And, as luck, or providence or whatever would have it, she is the only child that I will have. She knows my moods and she knows when I am feeling up or down – there is no fooling her. And she knows that no matter how upset I get over something she does, I always have her back and will be there for her.
Right now I have much of my time to myself, as she lives with Mom full time and I have her on alternate weekends and vacations. But I intend to take her back with me when she finishes high school and starts out on the rest of her life.
I decided long ago that for me, there is nothing more important than making a difference in the life of a child. But what I did not know was the difference she would make in mine. This child has tested me, challenged me, impressed me, and grown me. I am a better, fuller person for her presence in my life.
I choose her now. I will always choose her.
You chose to have your daughter. She did not ask to be born – or for you as her parent. I hope that her life is filled with people who love and value her for the person she is. I hope that you can develop a support system that gives you some time off, so you won’t constantly view her as a burden. Try the Big Brother, Big Sister program. My girl had a Big Sister who was a godsend. She gave me much needed respite time while developing a friendship with her that lasts to this day.
My wish for you is that you find a way to make your peace with your regrets and resentments while your daughter is still young enough to feel the difference. Children always know.
I am sending loads of positve energy your way. Namaste.
Cindy,
Thank you for an honest and wisdom-filled response! You are a blessing in your daughter’s life, and someday when she too is a mother, she will think back and say “What would Mom-Cindy do?” when she is in a difficult situation…
thanks for this – am wondering if i should have children or not myself…
You are most welcome, Noch!
Thanks for this. After battling infertility, becoming a mother is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I can honestly say I have never been happier. My husband and I decided recently that we love our family of three so much that we are not going to have any more children and our daughter will remain an only one, however I have been worrying about whether I’ll have future regrets about this decision. This was exactly what I needed to hear!
You’re welcome. I’m glad this came at a good time for you!