“Love is not love until love’s vulnerable.” -Theodore Roethke
Sometimes people submit posts and I swear I could have written them myself. In reading their stories—learning about the emotions they’re feeling and the pain they’re healing—I feel close to them; and I also develop a better understanding of myself and what I need to do to keep growing.
Other times, I can’t relate to their experiences, but suddenly I feel compassion for behaviors I may formerly have misunderstood.
This, I believe is the power of vulnerability. When we open up to each other, we invite people to understand us, and let them know we want to understand them. We break down the barriers of judgment and fear and, in doing so feel safe, connected, and supported.
I came to Tiny Buddha from a far different place. Formerly, I lived in a world where security meant solitude, and connection meant pain. I saw everyone as someone waiting to hurt me, if I didn’t keep my guard up.
It’s easier to let your guard down when other people do the same. But the reality is someone has to go first. Intimacy doesn’t happen spontaneously. It’s something we have to create by choosing to be authentic.
That can be a scary thing—especially since we never know how we’ll be received when we put ourselves out there, or if other people will respond in kind.
Over the past few years, I’ve put a lot of effort into building solid friendships. This is something that’s always been challenging for me; or perhaps more accurately, something I always made difficult. Sometimes I tried too hard, or created drama, or pushed people away.
I wanted so badly to be loved and accepted, but in my fear of not receiving that, I set myself up to be feared and rejected.
I know now that meaningful, intimate relationships start when someone dares to be genuine; and that happiness is accepting the possibility of rejection and choosing not to reject ourselves in response.
My genuine truth is that I would prefer to live in a world where everyone else let their guard down first.
But if intimacy is seeing ourselves in each other, maybe it starts with understanding that other people may feel that way too.
Today I commit to going first—both to give love and acceptance and create the possibility of receiving them. Will you?
Photo by Christian Haugen
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I love this post, because you remind me of ME when I was your age. (Actually I’m still your age, plus thirty years. I don’t give up youth. I just add to it.)
In my twenties and thirties I believed in total transparency – exposing all of my feelings and motives. And fears for that matter. I assumed that if I had nothing to hide, I would be invulnerable to psychological blackmail. I also believed totally honesty would engender honesty in return. Generally I was wrong about that, and over the years I modified my behavior and attitude considerably.
I no longer expect truth and honesty to come to me in spoken words. I get it anyway, by observing subtle behavior, dropped comments and a person’s “vibe.” My feelings rarely lie. I may not pick up the details of a person’s masked story, but I can sense the intentions. I can also detect predators and allies, and consequently, depending on the level of trust, I filter and edit the information I give out about myself. I share that part of me that is similar to the person I’m with. I become the persona they want me to be – someone with whom they feel comfortable.
But I’m not lying. I’m just retaining varying degrees of attitudes and judgments. Deception is not my intention. If people ask how I feel about them, I’ll come out with it. They rarely ask.
You see, “truth” and “honesty” is relative. We all shape “truth” to our specific needs. I mean, just look at the Democratic/Republican division in this country. How can two groups of people observe the same facts and come to entirely opposite conclusions? I still don’t get it.
So when I talk to my Republican friends, I can’t reveal my repulsion for some of their mandates and the public servants they voted into office. If I did, our friendship would sour. So, sure, those relationships aren’t fully matured. But on the level we maintain them, within the scope of subjects we discuss, they are as honest as we can make them.
With love, it’s different. I hold back nothing. Love without truth is not love. It’s need.
I wish I could love everyone. I wish I could love without judgment. I try, but I’m nowhere close. And even when I do my best to override prejudice and expose my deeper thoughts, many times I am misunderstood. My “truth” is not their “truth.” What I believe is not what they believe. Despite our honesty, and with the best intentions, we are still disconnected.
But there IS one common denominator we all share, and you brought it up in this post: vulnerability and fear. If people let me, I share that too. YOU do, Lori, in this blog.
Thank you!
Fondly,
Irv
This year I’ve started sending very personal emails to a list of close friends and family. Stuff that scares me. Stuff that excites me. Stuff that makes me cry. Stuff that inspires me. I’ve found in the emails where I show greatest vulnerability that I get alot of responses from friends sharing their thoughts and stories too. It’s wonderful.
—
Michael
Sounds like I could have written this one or that you wrote it for me! Thanks for the reminder to go first. Even if no one else follows you know you did your best to live authentically/
I definitely agree that love is about openness and vulnerability. When we love someone, we want them to accept us at the deepest level possible. But until they do that, they must know us completely.
This is what I love about Tiny Buddha. So many brave people share their personal stories and put them out there for everyone to read. The first time I contributed a post, I was a little worried about the response because I had never really put myself out there like that. But everyone was so nice and so wonderful. People started telling me that they could relate and then shared their OWN stories.
Vulnerability is contagious. When someone opens up to us, we feel like we can open up to them. And I really do believe that some of the most intimate relationships come from allowing yourself to be fearlessly open. 🙂
It can be really difficult to be open to people. There’s always the risk that they’ll hurt you or take you for granted. There have been a handful of times when I’ve been open and loving and I’ve gotten hurt, but there have been countless times when I’ve been rewarded with love. I think I’ve gotten to the point where I’m willing to risk getting my heart hurt because the odds are on my side that I’ll get something good in return.
Excellent post. I have always held myself back for fear of rejection and hurt and the like .. I am committed to changing this, although it may not be easy for a while, and I may fail at times .. But the journey will be interesting ..
I’m getting better about this, but I used to keep a nice sturdy brick wall around me. It’s easier now that I care less about others judging me. I’m embracing the traits I used to fight.
Excellent read! Just recently I was looking for some good quotes about opening up a wounded heart… I really enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing =)
Yes, I will!! Thank you 🙂
Coincidentally, I read this post and felt as though I could have written it. 🙂 Letting go of fear is one of my well-being goals for this year; it is an ongoing process (it was on the list last year, as well), but each time I make the choice to make myself vulnerable, someone – often more than one someone – responds in such a way that I can feel my strangle-hold on my innermost self releasing in tiny increments with each loving word.
How?
Thank you for writings this.. Not only was I agreeing throughout the post, the parts that I hadn’t thought up on my own made me understand what I was missing. Thank you!
This is amazing, we should all do this… There is so much inside us that we hold onto, and to share these things helps us understand one another better and deepens the connections we have with people. And honestly, its nice to give your brain a break once in a while, take a load off 🙂
Thank you for this reflection! I lead a heart based life, so I’m okay with me being vulnerable and transparent. I’m okay “going first” and sharing and connecting. I love issuing invitations to connect. And I love receiving 🙂
However, it takes two..and what I know is that so many people are so reluctant to connect for fear of being hurt. So, they stay quiet, or at surface level, while wishing they had something deeper or more. It is reflections such as yours that encourage us all to open to possibility…the possibility of real, life enriching, nourishing connections.
Thanks Liz – definirely a load off yhe brain. it’s when I’m really emotionally charged about something I write. By the time I press send my mind is clear. Like the worlds best therapy :- )
I recently reconnected with someone dear to my heart who didn’t want to continue our relationship because of long-distance and his being in the military. Even though he left it good with me, I was still devastated. A year past by without so much as a word from him but I was living my life and moving on. Then this past Christmas Eve he reached out to me unexpectedly from where he is deployed in Afghanistan. My heart ached knowing where he is now but I was overjoyed that he thought of me after all this time. Ever since then we’ve been writing to each other everyday. I want to be there for him unconditionally because I understand he’s in a vulnerable situation right now, but the more and more I interact with him the more I expect that our reconnection will lead to something more. I’m opening up to him in ways I haven’t done with anyone. And sure he writes me sincerely but with no emotion which makes me afraid that I’m writing too much and that I might scare him off and bore him to death. I’m always in my head and I’m an emotional sensitive person and it shows in my writing and I can’t help it. He is the opposite but a kindhearted soul I know for sure. But I think that if I can’t be my authentic self with him, then we’ll never create a good foundation between us, whether it be friendship or romantic. This is what vulnerability feels like and I’m trying to be comfortable with it but it’s so uncomfortable. Lori, this post was a sort of wink from god that it’s okay to open up. So thank you for posting this, this was a good reaffirmation for me, just exactly what I needed.
Great post! It’s so common for us to wait for others to open up and forget that it has to start somewhere first. I know this has been an issue for me, as well. It can be good to remember that we can offer the gift of our honesty and vulnerability, not as an opening for someone to hurt us, but as a gift of our hearts, and we can still protect ourselves by practicing not being attached to someone else’s response to our gift. For instance, being the first to tell a dating partner I love him can be so scary because I’m attached to him feeling the same way. But if I offer my love not as an trick to get him to say the same thing back, but as a gift to him, it’s less scary (a little ;).
powerful! I saw myself in this article. thank you so much for opening up and helping to heal those who read this.
Yes, I have found the same thing about vulnerability being contagious! That’s really what fuels the blog. One person writes a post, and that inspires someone else, and so on. I love that. There’s nothing more freeing than being fearlessly open–and nothing more satisfying than seeing how much good can come from it.
I’ve found that too Sage. And I’ve realized people are far more receptive and loving than I formerly gave them credit for.
I think that’s one of the many benefits of growing older–developing a greater wisdom about how we want to be in the world, and what works for us and our relationships. It sounds like you’ve done just that. =)
You are most welcome! Thank you for reading and commenting =)
That’s a great way to look at it! I find a lot of it comes down to choosing not to reject myself, regardless of what another person says/does.
I occasionally meet up with people who found me through the site, and I sometimes get this nervous feeling about living up to what they might expect of me. Then I remind myself to just be myself–be open, be present, and understand it’s not my job to shape how they perceive me. Of course I don’t always do this perfectly, but it’s been wonderfully liberating on the whole!
That’s wonderful Michael! It’s such a great feeling to communicate what we really feel with people we care about. You’ve inspired me to do this a little more often. =)
You are most welcome. =)
You’re most welcome Andy. Sounds like we’ve had a lot in common!
That’s a great way to be! My mother is someone who never cares what anyone thinks, but I learned to be the opposite. Sometimes I still worry about being judged, but I’ve gotten a lot better at reminding myself to let go. I’ve realized some people are going to judge, because that’s just part of being human–stressing about it won’t change that!
I’m glad you enjoyed it!
You are most welcome. =)
This is always one of my well-being goals as well! My natural instinct is attempt to control everyone and everything–but my world expands in amazing ways when I give myself permission to let go.
You’re welcome Paulina!
How wonderful–to live a “heart-based life.” I’ve never heard that phrasing before, but I think I do the same!
It takes a lot of courage to ‘feel the fear’ and do it anyway and I applaud you Lori. We see our beliefs etched into our life experience every day, and to step outside of them and choose something different is a wonderful path for us all to take. Thank you for leading the way here.
thank you so much for this lori. i love reading tiny buddha. and today most especially because i feel so affirmed. this and my first ted talk by blene brown on the power of vulnerability, gave me power to own up even more and stand proud in having to first put myself out there, open to rejection, as you said said.
in all my 51 years of life, i have about 99% batting average of always acting on what i feel. as soon as i know what i am feeling for a person, i own that up and ask myself what i want to do. and almost always, i want to express that feeling, share it with the other person. and so many times, i have been turned down. i used to cry long, hard, not knowing if my eyes will ever dry up. i felt so unwanted. until i learned that how my feelings are received is not necessarily a rejection by that other person. they have reasons of their own, i often don’t understand, but whatever it is, or are…it’s their business and right.
I learned to see that i did nothing wrong. love is god and loving another is good. nothing to apologize for that. that i was brave to take that step, even as i am apprehensive of not being reciprocated. i learned to see pain as a friend who came to tell me about myself and help me grow through…really, amazingly, when we do not turn away from pain (not that we seek it), and we don’t turn it away, but sit with it and ask, like a friend, what gifts of ourselves it brings us, and as soon as we see why it’s there, it goes away. i am finding that pain is staying for less and less time (am not saying we should do this so pain goes away quick, as this is not so the point).
…it’s always good to be true to yourself. if one can be true to others as well, as when one expresses with all honesty what one feels, despite the fear of rejection, non-reciprocity,of being vulnerable…then that’s a real bonus. a treat. namaste!
You are most welcome. I know how terrifying it can feel to really put yourself out there, especially when you can’t tell how it’s being received. Sending you lots of love!
You are most welcome. Thank you for being part of the Tiny Buddha community. =)
I love what you wrote about seeing pain as something to help you grow. I’ve felt the same as you at times. I am a sensitive, emotional person, as well, and I know that instinct to want to share that with others. When I’ve felt rejected, I’ve been tempted to label myself as wrong. I’m always learning more about not rejecting myself, and I’m finding it makes all the difference!
thank you… you just answered my question… I love you Lori…^____^)
I love you too =)
Everyday, especially at times I feel like no one else empathized with me, I seek for comforting words on Tweeter such as Buddha’s words. I find his words more sensible, like He understands. Then I came across this, and I literally had tears in my eyes that it’s right to the point, exactly what I have been trying to put out there but nobody either understands or they just don’t care. It doesn’t matter, I know what I believe, & I care about ME! Words like this keeps my focus more on positive that life is not that bad after all. Thank you again.
You are most welcome. I love that you wrote you care about you. Beautiful! =)
Nice inspiring lines, thanks 4 motivating us by these quotations and story-line…!
You’re most welcome. =)
I just found this post and I know someone that relates to it totally. He doesn’t want to open up to anyone at all, and has decided to keep to himself at all times, because sometimes when he opens up to people, they dissapoint him. I’m willing to be a listening ear whenever he wants to open up, but that doesn’t look like its happening anytime soon. I’ve tried to tell him that keeping to ones self isn’t the best because sometimes, such a person will be hurting in silence, but he just doesn’t want to open up at all, and I don’t know what else to tell him to make him change his mind. I’m hoping you could help me.
Hi Andrea~ I think it’s wonderful that you’re trying to help your friend, but it sounds like he isn’t ready to change his mind. There’s another post on the site that you might find helpful:
http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-help-someone-who-wont-help-themselves/
My personal advice is to keep being there for him and modeling what’s possible when you open up. Perhaps in time he will be ready to follow your lead!