“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” -Kimberly Howard
Yesterday I wrote about realizing that we don’t need to justify our feelings–but there is another side to that coin: we need to realize that having difficult feelings does not justify poor choices.
This is something I have often struggled with. Though I have made massive improvements through the years, when I feel overwhelmed by fear, grief, stress, or anything else that hurts, my instinct is often to numb it or do something with it.
Most times I consciously ignore that instinct and simply sit in the messiness of my emotions. My adolescence and twenties taught me that this is vital to my survival. But sometimes, when I feel especially powerless, I resist.
That’s what I did yesterday after a doctor gave me some bad news, that may, in fact, be far less scary than it seems. I resisted. And then I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend, where one margarita led to another, and ultimately magnified my emotions.
I made a bad choice, and then I felt bad about that and the surgery I may need to have.
I realized after apologizing to my boyfriend that I also needed to apologize to myself. I owed myself an apology for using the severity of my fear to justify an unhealthy choice; and also, for being hard on myself instead of learning from the experience and letting go.
That’s what a strong apology often does: it allows us to move on.
So today I apologize to myself with no excuses. I used poor judgment yesterday. It’s humbling to admit it, especially since I know people expect more from me. I expect more from me. I also know this isn’t the most flattering story to share.
But I am a work-in-progress. We all are. We can never change what we’ve already done, but we can continue to learn and grow if we’re willing to be honest with ourselves.
Today if you find yourself making excuses for a bad decision, remember: what’s done is done, but you can move on and forgive yourself if you take responsibility and learn.
Photo by kurisuuu
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you so much for these words today. They have touched my heart in ways that you will never know. It’s wonderful to read inspirational pieces that make us feel warm and fuzzy and that all is right in the world. But pain and fear are very real truths in life that humble us and often lead us to massive growth. I wish you a much better day today, friend. *Gassho*
We are all imperfect. We all make mistakes and use bad judgement. All we can do is recognize it, forgive ourselves and move forward. It is important to remember that we are all on the road to becoming a better version of ourselves. Making mistakes from time to time does not discount that journey. What we don’t need to do is live in it, dwell in it and in turn become it. Brush yourself off, apologize to yourself and people you may have hurt. They will understand because they too, need to be forgiven from time to time.
Light and Love.
thank you so much for sharing this ‘humble’ story.. so true!
Thanks for this great post Lori. I hope you are OK.
Thanks, Amanda! I will be okay. I need to have surgery, I think, but as a friend reminded me this morning, tough times don’t last, but tough people do. =)
You’re welcome, Eva. It’s always a little scary for me to admit major mistakes or flaws, but my instinct tells me to do it anyway. It reminds me that I don’t need to be superhuman. I just need to learn, grow, and allow myself to lean on people when I need to.
Thanks, Stacy. Your comment helped a lot. =)
Thanks so much, Christy. I definitely think that humility is the first step toward growth. The day is off to a much better start!
Lori you give so much of yourself on this blog and to admit YOU aren’t perfect probably helps others more than you know. We all have our issues. We are all a work in progress, no matter how long we’ve been on this earth. Essentially we are all in this together.
You are in my thoughts and prayers my friend.
b
Thanks so much, Barbara. I hoped it would be helpful. I’d rather be holding someone’s hand than standing on a pedestal beside them, and I’d rather have friends than followers. It was cathartic to write this tiny post, both because it helped me let go, and because writing anything else would have been inauthentic.
Thank you Lori. Another needed reminder of the work to be done. Bless you, my sister.
Thank you Lori for sharing this story with us
We are humans, no body is perfect,
We are harsh on our selves, if a person we know made a mistake, we probably will give him many excuses for what he did and forgive him immediately since we know it wasn’t on intention, after all he’s just human,( he might be having bad day, under a lot of stress, having dead lines,,,,,etc), he’s just having one of these days
But if we made a mistake, we will take ourselves to trial, make judgments (usually bad ones) and even punish ourselves (by feeling guilty, unworthy and disappointed with ourselves)
I wish we can treat ourselves with the same kindness and open mindedness that we treat other people
We deserve it because we know that we didn’t mean to do harm
Love yourself, give yourself excuses and forgive yourself when you do mistakes
After all we’re just humans, and we’re allowed to have one of these days too
Staying in too perfect a balance can sometimes create stagnation and prevent growth, whereas tee many margarooties and a little emoting once in a while, could be just the perfect recipe to prompt reflection and growth. Sounds to me like everything may have been just perfect.
Love and light to you Lori, for a speedy return to well-being.
Yes It is nice to know that i am not alone in that behavior and i was just reading about self compasion…Namaste
Maria
I love your honesty Lori! We all have our “moments”. Good for you for being aware of it and finding the lesson 🙂
I wake up every morning and go straight to Tiny Buddha…I thought about you, Lori this morning. Hope you are feeling lifted by the thought that you help so many people on a day to day basis. You are honest, inspire, care and give great insight everyday. Sending Prayers for a speedy recovery. Thank you for all that you do. Love and Light to you….Be well 🙂
Tiny Buddha has quickly become one of my favorite places for a moment of centering, reflection and insight with consistently elegant presentation. Thank You!
You are most welcome. Thank you for the note, Patricia! =)
Thank you, Stacy. Your comment put a big smile on my face. I had a difficult week, but things are indeed looking up. =)
Thanks Taryn! It’s always easier for me to let go and move on when I can find something to learn and improve going forward. Happy Friday =)
Thank you, Nancy. =)
Thanks so much, Sasalool. I can be a little hard on myself, sometimes. I’ve been learning to maintain compassion for myself without making excuses. I made a lot of excuses when I was younger, and I hurt myself and a lot of people because of it. I want to be able to forgive myself when I have a hard time, but I also want to be able to challenge myself to cope with hard times well. It’s a delicate balance, I suppose, as is everything!
Haha thanks Jarl. Your comment made me laugh. =)
Thanks Maria. Namaste =)
Thanks for sharing, Lori. I hope you’re feeling better about yourself and your health issue today. First, let me say that your “poor choice” of tequila as a curative was OK. That’s me being kind of facetious but kind of not, you know? (Tequila is sometimes my first go-to as well ;).
But mostly I want to say this. I too am currently having a health issue that’s challenging my belief in myself and OF COURSE Tiny Buddha addresses exactly the right topic at the right moment. I see that time and time again in people’s comments here.
My partner thinks there’s one thing wrong with believing we create our own reality and have the ability to manage what happens in our lives. He says the problem is that, when things start going wrong, I get heavy on my self-blame, self-criticism, diving into the belief that somehow I’ve caused this issue. As in, “What did I do wrong to get to this place?” Well, I can see the truth in what he says, too.
Some days it’s tough to view our problems as opportunities to look at ourselves and examine the choices we’ve made that may have led to the problem. Some days I just long for simplicity, for the old way of believing “the doctor will fix it” with some magic pill. Some days it feels like it’s all too much work to be a wise, brave, person who’s willing to do the work, whatever it takes to maintain (or get back to) a healthy mind, soul, and body.
Just saying I’m thinking about you, hoping it all goes well. And thanks for sharing your health story because it hit the right spot for me at the right time. We’ll get there, get back to our optimal health. Yes, we will.
Please keep us posted on how things go, if and when you’re willing to.
Thanks Kate. I was somewhat frustrated with myself because I overdid a little, and that out-of-control feeling never feels good. (And yet, at the same time, I somewhat wanted to lose control for a bit. Strange how that works…)
I really appreciate your kind words. It turns out I am not going to need surgery (at least not for a while) so I’m feeling a huge sense of relief. The first doctor I saw had a pretty poor bedside manner, calling me a “fun case” since I had a “massive ovarian tumor and far more cysts” than most women my age. He told me I should urgently consider getting them all removed. I don’t currently have health insurance (though I am getting it now!) so that added an extra level of complication. Thankfully, a second doctor said that, based on the ultrasounds, there is no cause for concern at the moment. Going forward, I will always get a second opinion before forming any conclusions!
I hope that you are doing alright with your health scare. As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing more stressful than health-related uncertainty. And I know what you mean about all the work–I’ve often noted that it takes a lot of effort to maintain optimal physical and emotional well-being.
You are in my thoughts!
thanks
Recently in the spirit of Lent, I apologized for all the things I did etc to an old friend I had a falling out with. We split a couple months ago, but Lent is usually around a time I like to purge myself of something, remember a fallen loved on, etc.. things like that. Well I felt I would tell her I was sorry for hurting her. Yet I somehow feel it got spit back in my face because she told me I need to just heal and move on already. I wasn’t expecting anything in return, but I got the impression even *my apology* for *my wrongs* was even rejected. And I felt admitting one is wrong takes a lot of guts. Well, now I just feel gutted for even doing this, much less thinking about it. 🙁
It does take a lot of guts! It’s unfortunate she wasn’t receptive…but it might happen that this takes a weight off your shoulders anyway. I had a similar situation a few years back, and it stung at first–but ultimately I felt proud of myself. It just took a while!