Tiny Buddha

Category: Compassion

  • Tiny Wisdom: Be Good to Yourself

    Tiny Wisdom: Be Good to Yourself

    “Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” -Lama Yeshe

    All too often we’re unforgiving and cruel to ourselves in a way we’d never treat our friends.

    We’d never look a friend in the eyes and tell her she’s not good enough. We’d never beat a friend up over one mistake he made years ago. We’d never expect a friend to move mountains when she’s exhausted and clearly needs a rest.

    Why do we sometimes do these things to ourselves?

    So often when we think about self-love, we think about the big picture—forgiving ourselves for past mistakes and accepting ourselves, imperfections and all.

    But in much the same way we show love in relationships through tiny acts of appreciation and consideration, we can love ourselves through small, maybe even random acts of kindness.

    For me, that means allowing myself to relax if I need to, even if I feel like I should be productive. It means treating myself to a nice lunch every now and then, even if I feel I should save money. It means responding to negative thoughts in my head with the same uplifting advice I’d give my sister.

    Sometimes it also means seeing in the mirror that little girl who I used to be—the little girl who always did her best and wanted nothing more than to have someone hug her and tell her it was good enough. It’s my job to do that now.

    It’s all of our jobs.

    Today, give yourself the consideration and kindness you’d extend to the people you love. If you’re dissatisfied with your progress, remind yourself of all you’ve accomplished. If you made a mistake, cut yourself from slack. If you’re tired, take it easy.

    All the goodness you put out into the world starts with how you treat yourself.

    Photo by AlicePopkorn

  • Tiny Wisdom: Every Request Contains an Offer

    Tiny Wisdom: Every Request Contains an Offer

    “It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

    There was a time when I met every request with two instinctively defensive thoughts: “What are you trying to take from me?” And “What’s in it for me?”

    Of course I didn’t say these things out loud. I either denied the request without really considering it, or passively aggressively tried to elicit some type of reciprocal offer.

    In retrospect, I don’t think I did these things because I was selfish and heartless (though I know I acted selfishly and shut my heart down at many points in my life.)

    It was more that I didn’t trust anyone, and I assumed the worst in their intentions and actions. Deep down, I believed everyone was against me. They were competition. They wanted me to fail.

    Eventually I realized the irony: I was afraid no one had my best interests at heart, and as a result I failed to offer them that same courtesy.

    How could I ever expect people to believe in me if I didn’t believe in them?

    I realized then that every request contains within it an offer and an opportunity.

    If someone asks you to pick your brain over coffee, they’re not just asking for your time—they’re also offering theirs. You never know what you might teach other.

    If someone asks you to make an introduction for them, they’re not just asking for your connections—they’re also offering to be connected. You never know how one introduction may benefit everyone involved.

    Whatever the request, it comes with an opportunity to recognize yourself in someone else, and meet them with the kindness you would want to receive.

    I’m not suggesting we should say yes to everything people ask of us, or that we should only say yes because really, there’s always something in it for us.

    I’m suggesting that sometimes when we think we’re the ones helping, we’re also the ones being helped.

    We can either walk through our lives trying to get ahead, suspecting others want to pull us down; or we can choose to walk side by side, as friends, not adversaries.

    If we’re willing to fully believe that we are all in this together, we can create a far more supportive world, one in which we can all thrive together instead of struggling apart.

    Photo by Irene2005

  • Tiny Wisdom: Sometimes No One Is Wrong

    Tiny Wisdom: Sometimes No One Is Wrong

    “Love is saying, ‘I feel differently’ instead of ‘you’re wrong.’” -Unknown

    I’ve written a lot of posts about compassion these past few years, challenging both myself and readers to be open-minded and see things from others’ points of view.

    On almost every post, someone has commented that there are times when other people are, in fact, wrong–when the person who cut you off in traffic really is a jerk, not just having a bad day; when the friend who hurt you actually had cruel intentions, and didn’t just make an innocent mistake; or when the person who sees things differently is truly misinformed, as opposed to holding a varied, but different opinion.

    I think we sometimes fear losing our sense of self and self-respect by giving other people too much leeway. If we give the benefit of the doubt one time too many times, we may start to feel like a door mat. Or if we consider other people’s perspectives too seriously, we may risk losing the beliefs that help us make sense of the world.

    If we continually refrain from identifying people as right and wrong, we may find it challenging to hold onto the ideas that feel right to us. And that can be a scary thought, particularly when many of us wrap around our identities around our beliefs and understandings.

    But maybe it doesn’t have to work this way. Maybe we can define the conduct we believe to be good and kind, without assuming we know people’s intentions, thereby labeling them right or wrong when they stumble. Maybe we can decide and honor what we believe and allow other people the same freedom, choosing not to be threatened if they see things differently.

    Maybe loving ourselves is feeling secure without having to convince other people we’re right; and loving other people is wanting to understand instead of wanting to tell them they’re wrong.

    Today if you feel tempted to point out the error of someone’s ways or beliefs, ask yourself: Would I rather argue and create pain, or agree to disagree and maintain peace?

    Photo by the gardenbuzz

  • Tiny Wisdom: How We Pit People Against Us

    Tiny Wisdom: How We Pit People Against Us

    “When you live on a round planet, there’s no choosing sides.” -Wayne Dyer

    I’ve read a lot of articles about achieving your dreams and creating the life you want. There is a common message that always creates a disconnect in me: Many otherwise empowering articles lose me when the authors suggest we should “tune out our haters.”

    This seems to imply that there are people out there who want us to fail–who purposely act hateful with the intention of pulling us down.

    I know the world is a lot simpler when we view things in black and white terms–good and bad; right and wrong; for us and against us. But labels can hurt us far more than they people to whom we assign them because they generally come from fear. Fear keeps us from seeing things as they really are. Very little is as it seems.

    Some people may seem to be purposefully hurtful, but in all reality, they’re dealing with their own struggles and insecurities, and that translates as a lack of support. Some people may seem to be negative or judgmental, but in all likelihood, they’re simply trying to help you see things from a different perspective.

    This doesn’t mean that people always have good intentions; it just means far fewer have poor intentions than we think.

    It might be a lot quicker and simpler to put people into narrow little boxes. It certainly takes a lot less energy to assume certain people are on your side and certain people aren’t.

    But we end up seeing people as enemies and allies instead of realizing we’re all on the same team. It is possible to tune out words that don’t serve us without labeling the people who speak them as bad and assuming they want us to fail.

    This leaves us with a choice: We can shut other people, assuming they’re not on our side; or we can break down a wall by trying to see where they’re coming from, so that sides no longer exist. The world becomes a far more  understanding and supportive place when we choose to be understanding and supportive.

    Photo by igb

  • Tiny Wisdom: On the Power of Attention

    Tiny Wisdom: On the Power of Attention

    “Give whatever you are doing and whoever you are with the gift of your attention.” -Jim Rohn

    We all get busy. We have responsibilities to meet. We have coworkers and superiors expecting things from us. We have ambitions and goals, things we want to improve in ourselves and our lives. I suspect that underneath it all, what we really want is to make a difference for other people.

    And yet, ironically, in that pursuit, we often fail to make a difference for the people we know and love.

    My mother gets out of work every day between 6:00 and 7:00, which is between 3:00 and 4:00 my time. She often calls me on her way home to catch up, something I value since she lives so far away. And yet there have been times when I’ve engaged in conversation with her while answering emails, Skype chatting, and toggling numerous screens on my computer.

    Even though I work for myself and have absolutely no reason to multi-task that call, I do it sometimes because I feel so wrapped up in what I’m doing that I don’t want to stop.

    I have realized, however, that this not only creates a disconnection between us, it also undermines the other things I’m juggling. It’s essentially a message that says, “No one and nothing else is important as my need to be optimally productive.”

    This means that it also compromises my integrity, since I say that I value my relationships and my projects.

    In our gadget-dominated world, full attention is a rare gift, and not just for the person who receives it. It’s also a gift to us. It allows us to let go of everything that’s flashing in our brains, like one too many instant messages, and fully immerse ourselves in the simplicity of a moment.

    It allows to connect, create, and collaborate with focused intention, without distractions. It’s a choice to honor and fully appreciate what’s right in front of us.

    Today if you find yourself only half-listening or half-focusing, remember: Your attention is your most valuable gift, for other people and yourself.

    Photo here

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Being Part of the Solution

    Tiny Wisdom: On Being Part of the Solution

    “Never look down on anybody unless you’re helping him up.” -Jesse Jackson

    I’ve always believed that there is a fundamental difference between compassion and pity: Compassion stands beside someone; pity stands above.

    Sometimes it’s tempting to stand in that place, and not just because we’re being judgmental or cruel. Oftentimes, it feels safer up there. You don’t need to understand that person, or what they’re dealing with.

    You also don’t need to get too close. You can simply remove yourself without getting too invested or involved, knowing that you feel bad, but there’s nothing you can do.

    Compassion suggests a level of responsibility. It’s not just a matter of recognizing that someone else is in a bad place. It’s about knowing what that feels like, even if you’ve dealt with different challenges, and being a willing participant in healing that pain.

    I remember when I was at the lowest point of my life there were two distinct types of friends: the friends who listened fully, and the friends who interrupted me with judgments and advice before I even had a chance to explore what hurt me.

    I want to be the friend who listens–the one who may not always have the answers, but intends to be part of the solution, not the problem. I suspect that starts with a simple assertion, followed by a question: I am here. How can I help?

    Who needs your help today?

    Photo by Andrew Dyson