“To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.” ~Sven Goran Eriksson
Endlessly comparing ourselves to others and idealizing their best qualities while underestimating our own are self-defeating behaviors, and they hurt our self-esteem. Yet in the competitive nature of our world, many of us do this.
As a result of my own self-defeating thoughts, throughout my life, I’ve repeatedly felt like I was five years behind where I “should” be.
After high school graduation, many of my peers went away to school and into a new wave of social experiences.
I stayed home, worked, and went to see a lot of bands play, and when I started gaining more life experience of my own, I felt like I was in catch-up mode and ashamed that I hadn’t gotten some of these experiences out of the way earlier.
I had a rocky college career, bouncing between, in, and out of schools, finally completing my English degree when I was twenty-five and feeling absolutely no further toward a career than I had before I’d started.
Attracted to web development because it offered the possibility of working remotely, I learned on the side and eventually landed a job at a small web shop. I was twenty-eight, but felt behind compared to those who had their career paths charted early on, and stacked resumes.
I decided to start freelancing with only one solid client and hoped that I’d be able to sustain myself enough to stay location independent.
After a few years of this, though I still loved the flexibility freelancing offered, I started feeling the need for my work to not only provide for myself, but to also contribute something positive to the world. Now in my mid thirties, I feel like I need to reevaluate again, but compared to others whom are solidifying relationships and buying property, I feel behind.
In the examples above, I’m comparing my path to others that aren’t my own.
If you can relate, try reframing these thoughts as a more accurate reflection of yourself and celebration of your own personal journey.
What did you want? Often when we compare ourselves to others, we are comparing ourselves to an ideal that might appear to be favored by society, media, or whatever, but it’s really not that interesting to us.
After high school, I remember distinctly not wanting to go away to school and thinking dorm life was a manufactured environment that didn’t represent real life. I wanted to hang out with my best friend and go see live music.
As I’ve become more self-aware, I’ve realized my anti-dorming position probably reflected my high levels of social anxiety and that the experience, though difficult at times, would have had a positive impact, though I would have probably missed a lot of awesome shows.
What you wanted from life then might not be what you want now, and that’s okay because throughout life, we change and gain insight. The decisions you made likely reflected where you were in life at that point. Maybe it was the “right” decision or maybe it wasn’t, but celebrate yourself either way.
Look at the positive side of your life path. Read between the lines and don’t focus on the negatives of what you didn’t do.
When I was fourteen, my father took me to England for a couple weeks and it left me with a lasting desire to enjoy traveling beyond the confines of the “paid time off” policies at many jobs in the United States.
I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of school, so it’s probably no surprise that while I bounced between academic institutions, I also spent some of that time period traveling abroad and hence, nurturing and developing a huge part of who I am.
Choices made to appease what you perceive others think you should be doing, rather than what nurtures you, are self-negating. And though they may seem like shortcuts, they will often not bring you any closer to fulfillment.
Focus on what your unique cocktail of nurture and nature enabled you to accomplish.
While others found their career path early, I was sweating inside the back of a 3,000-cubic-foot truck, working 5am merchandising shifts at a major retailer with a group of people that ended up feeling like a family, and I know I will stay in touch with some of them for the rest of my life.
The work felt honest and the people even better, and those are two of the most valuable things in life to me.
While others were sculpting their career, networking, and building relationships, spurred on by my earlier travels, I started to freelance and accomplished a lifelong dream of working remotely abroad.
I took an extended trip to Europe and two years later, did the same thing in South America. While my career development suffered most likely, accomplishing this goal was a priority, and I created memories that I will always cherish.
Take a moment and you can probably think about when you took a less traveled road and accomplished something beautiful.
Celebrate what you love about your personality and how those qualities have contributed to your life experience.
It’s easy to confuse what you want to work on with those qualities that you’re quite happy with.
If I go to a large social gathering, the introvert in me will spend time processing, observing, and taking everything in. I can be pretty quiet initially, but I’m okay with this because the attributes that make me identify as an introvert also have enabled me to form deep friendships, be sensitive to others and the world around me, and to feel on a very deep level.
At that same social gathering, I might be hanging out in a small group listening when I think of a relevant story that I’d love to share, but social anxiety renders me quiet because I’m afraid my storytelling will not hold their attention.
Introversion and social anxiety can sometimes be confused, but they are different concepts. Being introverted has enabled me to experience life in a unique way, but only social anxiety has held me back at times from participating in life like I want to.
Sometimes, two aspects of yourself produce similar symptoms. When you make the decision to work on a behavior, make sure that you’re targeting the right one.
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I still catch my mind comparing myself to the ideals we are constantly subjected to by society and feeling like I will never catch up. But then I center myself and realize I’m comparing myself to an ideal that is not necessarily applicable to me, and that I need to stay true to my own path. Life is much more personal, complex, and nuanced.
Perhaps there are times when you feel five years behind. But really, you’re constantly learning about yourself and sculpting a life that is a reflection of that, and that’s exactly where you need to be.
Celebrate the path of others but most importantly, celebrate your own, because you’ve likely been living a pretty honest existence all along.
Photo by h.koppdelaney
About Kevin Sandness
Kevin lives in Oakland, CA. He enjoys connection, culture, calm and chaos and things that make the world seem small. He might blog in the future, or he might not, but if he does, it will live at deadsound.net
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Kevin thanks for the post. I am currently in a place in life where I feel like I’m years behind everyone else which bothers me. But at the same time I have never been someone who was money driven and even career driven. I hoped one day I would be able to find some form of work that would make me feel like my life has a purpose. But sadly that hasn’t happened, so the result being I’m in a strange limbo, a void where making any form of decisions seem extremely difficult. Travel is the only thing that I aspire for but then the thoughts about age, financial stability etc..make me question where my head is at and where the hell my life is leading to.
I am pleased that despite everything you have such a positive outlook and enjoying the today.
I shall try and take a page from your book and endeavour to accept myself rather than constantly try to fight this self inflicted inner turmoil.
Thanks for your post once again.
Wow, I woke up today and glanced at my facebook (which I need to stop doing, not a great way to start my day I know) and felt exactly this, feeling so far behind from everyone else out there and comparing my current path to others who have followed their own paths…I really need it to read this today, to awaken my awareness, so thank you for your post!
I’m in a similar situation, Kevin, so your article is quite a propos 🙂 I moved back home after spending a long time abroad, and am slowly building up both my confidence and portfolio (no easy task) as I try to be the artist I should’ve tried to be from the beginning. Most of my friends are quite a ways down the college>>career>>marriage>>mortgage>>family route, and chronologically speaking I’m three loooong steps behind. But like you, I’m doing my best to focus on continuing down my own path, rather than look on at the paths others have made. Thank you!
Lori, This post and the other for today (The Labels We Take On: …) were fantastic! Wow, not the usual stuff being posted on so many other sites … These address the beauty of being different and celebrate the more unusual paths … I so enjoyed both posts. I want to thank the authors … and you for recognizing their uniqueness! I am more encouraged than ever! …Thank you for all of your uplifting posts! Love, joy, good health and great abundance to you! ~ Sarah
Great article, Kevin! I would say I am experiencing something extremely similar, and have been saying much of what you have said in this article. Always nice to read something from someone who has the same thoughts and (similar) experiences as I do.
Love the notion of not comparing ourselves to an ideal that is not necessarily applicable to us–brilliant! Loved the post, your honesty, transparency and wisdom. Thanks for that–I needed to hear it.
I’m also in my mid-30s, and I totally catch myself doing this! I totally don’t feel like I am where I “should” be as far as career and money. I spent most of my 20s after college traveling the USA, socializing with as many interesting people from all walks of life as I could, and not “building my resume”. It’s not that I didn’t seriously try: I had 2 corporate jobs, which I quickly got promoted at and bored with, and I tested in highly to government job.
I’ve come to realize that I have a chronically short attention span, a high need for novelty/learning new things, and am not particularly money driven beyond my basic bills.
I am finally starting to use my “weaknesses” as strengths, and to capitalize on my experiences communicating with diverse kinds of people and having a broad range of general internet related skills (a bit of webdesign, video production, writing, social media, graphic design, etc- though I’m not “expert” at any one thing). I am somehow muddling through.
I guess I’ve just lived my life by discovering who I am not … and although I think I “set back” my “career” by 10 years, at least I have some good stories, and more wisdom and self-knowledge because of it.
I can relate to this SO much. I compare myself to others a lot and it just makes me feel bad about myself. Lately when I catch myself doing it, I’ve started asking, “but are you happy?” to myself. You know what? The answer is yes! This has been a nice realization, because although my life may not be what I think it “should” be or quite what others’ lives are, it is MY life and I’m happy with where I am right now and WHO I am right now. I’m not sure what else I could ask for 🙂
This is brilliant, thank you for sharing Kevin. It’s great to know I’m not on my own here. I’m mid 30s, a succession of failed relationships, nowhere really to call my own, and a career path I’m trying to get away from. BUT…..all the things I’ve done, I’ve done in my own time, trying to find the truthful paths throughout. I hadn’t realised it until more recently that I’m constantly trying to find the truth in all situations, the real deep down stuff that means more than what society dictates as ‘the norm’ and that’s what has been delaying me, but that’s ok, because that’s who I am and I’ve had some really awesomely deep times because of that. No regrets. Onward!
This is an Outstanding article!
Will you add a “press this” function to this blog please?
I love this. I’ve never done anything in my life on anyone else’s schedule. I’ve always been a late bloomer. In my mid-40’s, a long term relationship still eludes me. This is the thing I judge myself about the most. There MUST be something wrong with me that this hasn’ t happened, right?
In terms of career, I DID do the Things You’re Supposed to Do to find a “solid career”, etc and I’m not sure I’m really that happy with the solidity of it. I also bought a house because that’s a good investment, right? But I’m not sure it was the best decision for me. So, to people who think they’re “behind” because they don’t have a Career or a House. Let me tell you: those of us who do often envy those of you who don’t. There’s not as much travel for us, for instance. And I try to remember that my singlehood has given me opportunities that people in LTR’s might not have had. My path of love has been crazy and fun and adventurous and eye-opening.
I’m in the Oakland/Berkeley area, too, so maybe we’ll run into one another at a party and be introverted together 😉
Thanks so much, Sarah! I appreciate your compliment on the work that goes on “behind the scenes,” and I’m glad you enjoyed today’s posts. (And thank you again, Kevin, for sharing this!)
Thank you so much for this. I’m 32 and gave up a promising media career (earning almost 4 times what I am now). I had some amazing times (and some not amazing) and there are times when I look at my peers and go ‘what did I do?!’ I’ve started to realise though that what I DID was LIVE, and now the plan is to continually downsize till I can live in a little self made home living as simple a life as possible.
This is quite the post Kevin! Thank you very much!
I did the same thing… staying behind for community college, then an illness, then finishing up college commuting. This compounded by a food addiction that rendered me to isolation and fear for decades. My path, unfortunately, has a lot of wasted years of compulsive / addictive eating. If I dwell on it, I become overwhelmed. Now, I see relish the present and the recovery… I’m not where I envisioned I’d be… but I am so much further than where I was. Plus, having expectations like that is a recipe for disappointment. Thank you for your post.
Thanks! I’m glad you enjoyed it.
You’re very welcome. I can definitely relate to having difficulty making decisions. We are constantly being pushed and pulled in different directions, and it’s difficult sometimes to separate the noise from what’s applicable to us. We all find our purpose in different areas, and that can change as time goes on.
You’re welcome. Sometimes when we reframe our thoughts, we realize it’s an unfair comparison because we are a completely different person. Best wishes to you.
You’re welcome! It sounds like you’re on an authentic path. Life is fluid and weird like that. Good luck on your exciting journey!
I’m glad you enjoyed it Nik. I can definitely relate to feeling the need to be real and true to myself. I feel like as long as I’m doing that, I will be ok. Adjust and tinker. Some things work out. Some things won’t, but at least I’m acknowledging myself, and that’s something I find value in.
I’m glad it resonated with you!
Thanks Audrey. I’m really glad you connected with it.
It’s a constant battle sometimes, but it sounds like you’re asking the right questions, and that you can answer ‘yes’ to those questions means you’re doing really great! Celebrate who YOU are : ).
I’m happy you were able to connect with the article. It’s always nice to know that others can get where you’re coming from.
Thanks Sarah! I’m glad you liked the post. And thank you Lori for allowing me to share it.
It’s awesome you’re focused on the present. Focus on the positives of where you are now and the positive things you have done. Constant comparisons are tough because lots of times we tend to frame those comparisons through a lens of perfection, and that’s not always accurate. You’re very welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed the post.
Cheers for late bloomers. Life is fluid and needs and wants are ever changing. It’s tough to feed all those needs which is why the lives of others seem so appealing sometimes. I like to think that we are on a fulcrum, and when we start falling to one side, it just means we need to re-evaluate some stuff and adjust.
I’m really good at being introverted at parties.
I can relate. I like the idea of using “weaknesses” as strengths. Those “weaknesses” are kind of your best assets sometimes. You sound pretty self aware, and you sound like you know what feeds you. So not only is your present authentic, you’ve already carved out a ton of great stories and memories just by doing your own direction.
that was excellent… chicken soup for my soul. i appreciate that so much, esp at this time
You’re very welcome. I can relate to what you wrote. I’ve moved back home a couple times. It sounds you’re where you need to be. Maybe you feel behind, but I bet you had a ton of amazing experiences abroad that you never would have gotten if you had gone down another path and perhaps that was a part of you that you needed to pay attention to.
Glad you enjoyed it!
hi kevin….thanks for this post…its nice to know that i am not alone in this world…i see myself in thi post..yes sometimes i thought i am behind..but the truth is we have different days to shine…and through dark times…i am able to see my light…through trials and hardship, thats where i got my strength.Introvert?…yes im
different from the rest..and i accept myself for what i am…..i think an act differently from
the rest…a unique individual yet lots of strenth…keep posting kevin…..
This article is chock full of so much awesome, I do not know where to begin. First, thank you for sharing your story. It’s always comforting to realise that others have walked similar paths to yours, and have found their way. As I read, there was so much I could relate to, so many thoughts that mirror some I’ve had over the years, just more eloquently expressed 🙂
Thanks again and all the best.
Kevin, thanks so much for sharing these thoughts. I feel exactly this. I did not go to college right out of high school because I didn’t know what I wanted to do. In my late twenties I decided to go back for computer programming, and graduated in my early thirties. I feel like I’m ten years behind where I need to be, and it’s very discouraging. I also have similar pressures and challenges in social situations. Listening, analyzing, but afraid to speak my mind. There are times I’ve ‘adopted’ behaviors at the suggestions of others, only to find that it just wasn’t really me. And when you do that for years at a time, it’s easy to lose who you really are. These past few years for me have been a lot about rediscovering who I really am, and your post is very encouraging to me. I sometimes find it hard to accept where I am in life, especially knowing some of the things I wanted to accomplish but had to put on hold because life got in the way. It’s good to know that there are others that have felt this barrier of being ‘behind,’ and have been able to get past it. Thanks, B.
You know I sometimes think this way. I am an freelance English teacher in Poland and I feel that I am so behind in getting my acting career off the ground. I sometimes wished that I studied theater in university, that I was able to express myself. I sometimes wish that I had enough money or an opportunity to attend a theater school. But I know that I can’t compare myself to other people, I am on my own path in life. My dreams will come true.
Thank you Kevin for this article. I have always felt like I was on a different path. I am learning to accept that the different drummer I’m marching to has no intention of conforming. Staying on one’s own path takes courage. This article is a good reminder to celebrate who I am and what I have to offer. I sometimes think about being behind, but I see how gradually everything is working out for the best.
I don’t know man, I still feel like I’m way behind in life. I’m nearly 30, and have no career path (just a dead-end job that I’m no good at and don’t like), no education, no place of my own, no love life, no accomplishments, no direction, no goals, no skills, nothing to offer the world in general. All my friends are getting married and creating things and building lives, while I’m still just the same loser I’ve always been.
Exactly what I needed! Thank you so much for sharing and writing this Kevin! And thank you to everyone who shared in the comments. It is a nice feeling to know you are not the only one, although I wish none of us felt this way of course! The quote at the beginning, “to wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are” is a great reminder and wake-up call for me and I will carry that reminder with me. All I can say is thank you, thank you! 🙂
Thank You. I am celebrating my life
Good One
You’re welcome B. Thank you for sharing your story. When I think back about things I didn’t accomplish, I also try to think about the things I did. We are always changing and learning. When reflecting on the past, it’s important to be fair to yourself and the person you were then. I’m glad you’ve found some clarity over the past few years. Best to you on your journey.
You’re so welcome Cabean. I’m glad you could connect to it, and I agree, it’s always comforting to know others can relate to how you feel. All the best to you.
Beautifully expressed. Thank you for your wonderful thoughts.
You’re welcome Rosemarie. I agree staying on your own path takes courage. It’s tough sometimes. Really tough. As long as we try to be honest with ourselves and others, then we will be going in the right direction.
You’re welcome. Keep celebrating.
You’re welcome Rosemarie. I agree staying on your own path takes courage. It’s tough sometimes. Really tough. As long as we try to be honest with ourselves and others, then we will be going in the right direction
Thank YOU for sharing : ) I’m happy you enjoyed it and yes I agree, that quote is a simple but great reminder. Best to you…
When evaluating ourselves or our life, it’s important to be fair. That’s tough sometimes. There are times when I feel behind and realize that I don’t even want what’s making me feel inferior. Maybe you don’t want all the things your friends have? But there are also times when I’m inspired and discover something that matters more than it did before. That’s ok. But in order to strive for any personal goal in an honest way, it’s important to care about yourself as well.
Hi Talya. Thank you for your comment. It sounds like you have a definite goal. Your experiences are uniquely yours. I wish you the best of luck with accomplishing your dreams.
“To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.” ~Sven Goran Eriksson
Loved this! I even tweeted! =D
It’s pretty much sure that not realizing who we really are and dwelling upon our mistakes brings failure. You presented the whole idea so beautifully.
Thanks for Sharing!
Have Fun With Your Life!