βWaking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.β ~Alan Watts
When I was in third grade, I loved to hang upside down on the monkey bars on the playground of my all-girls school in Philadelphia.
I would lock my little pale knees over the gray steel rods and then carefully let my hands go to swing upside down, like a pendulum in a pleated skirt.
This meant I had to bravely trust that my normally feeble strength would be sufficient to suspend me.
It was always a victorious feeling when the backs of my knees started to burn. This meant it was time to carefully return to earth on own my terms.
Alix – 1, Gravity – 0!
One day, a clump of dead grass attached itself to the sole of my Stride Rite. As I was flipping off the bars, it dropped into my mouth. I hit the ground gagging and spewing, completely grossed out.
Doubled-over and hacking out the grass was not a little noisy. I made quite the scene; however, it failed to attract the attention of my teachers.
They didnβt rush to my side to see why I was, for all intents and purposes, throwing up.
βThrowing upβ was a golden ticket to go home from school and I wanted to cash in.
This is because I spent the first third of my life believing that in order to be validated, something needed to be physically wrong with me.
The only attention I felt worthy of was sympathy. I thought ailments made me interesting.
I was the kid who wanted a sprained ankle so I could get crutches. Do you know what the attention-getting street value of crutches is in kid world? Itβs like frigginβ crack!
And a broken leg? Think of the signatures!
I wanted poison ivy so I could have bandages, βto keep from scratching.β
The concerned questions were like gold: βOh no! Are you okay?β
I wasnβt going to let the fact that I am not allergic to poison ivy stop me from tapping into this potential cache of boo-boo love.
One summer evening with the aid of red and orange magic markers, I drew a mock rash on my arm.
Then I test-drove it with my family, who didnβt buy it. Thankfully, this ridiculous bit never made it out of R&D.
To be clear, I got plenty of positive reinforcement at home. I was supported from dawn βtil dusk by my loving family, for which I am intensely grateful. But I never felt like it really counted. In my kidβs mind, I reasoned that they had signed on to love me, and were biased.
Plus, I was just one of those souls who required validation from the outside world.
I felt that once I left the confines of my nest, that unless I was limping or retching, I was otherwise invisible. I needed to be a victim of something in order to matter.
That day on the playground when my teachers ignored my blatantβand legitimate!βdead grass upset, I felt even more unseen which I didnβt even think was possible.
Arenβt these paid-professional grown-ups supposed to acknowledge me when Iβm in distress?
Since I no doubt possessed a Chicken Little-esque flair for drama, they had probably grown immune to my antics by this juncture.
I would cling to any and all ideas of pain in order to get the symp-attention that I craved.
When I look back at this period in my childhood I just have to laugh at myself. Not only was I highly theatrical, but my level of insecurity was semie-staggering.
Clearly, I did not think I was enough. In fact, itβs taken me the better part of three decades to make peace with the idea that I am not only enough, but that I am exactly who I am supposed to be.
Growing up in the seventies and eighties I had all of these notions, largely fed by TV, pop culture, and my peers, about who I was supposed to be:
The Breck Girl, a Charlieβs Angel, Wonder Woman (but Iβd be happy to be Lynda Carter), and a career-bound (not a stay-at-home) Barbie.
As I matured into my teens, I began to shed this billboard perception about life.
My head was turned less by action-hero ladies with perfect hair and more by, well, if Iβm being completely honest, cute boys who listened to the βrightβ music and wore Polo cologne.
Now eager for their approval, I shaped myself into who I thought they wanted me to be: The girl in The Smithsβ βHow Soon Is Now?β video.
This only got me so far.
When I graduated from high school, I moved to New York to model for a large agency. This was a dream come true.
Before long, I was trying to figure out who the modeling industry wanted me to be: Edgy? Sexy? Wholesome? Commercial? Editorial? There were so many options and would never be a clear answer.
Having looked at my life from the outside in for so many years was a hard habit to break.
I was like a junkie for other peopleβs approval, permission, information, and maps.
I thought everyone except me was issued a handbook about life.
They seemed to βget itβ while I was constantly scrambling to find my place in their world.
Of course, I was laboring under a massive illusion that I was the only one who felt this way.
Again, I have to look back and laugh.
One day during my early twenties, the universe let me look under the hood and I was let in on a cosmic secret: tons of other people feel like theyβre living without a manual. Lots of us are winging it, and being a little lost is how we actually come to find ourselves.
This epiphany was such a relief that I stopped trying to be what I thought others wanted and started getting really good at being me.
I would love to say that this powerful shift happened overnight, but no.
The βjust being meβ remained a nuanced confidence-building process for a few more years (ten?) until I was able fully step into who I am in the world today.
The wonder of it allβand another cosmic gut-busterβis that the more I align with my whole self, the more the world rushes into to meet me where I am.
I venture that if there actually were a handbook issued at birth, it might go a little like this:
1. You are a miracle. Never forget this fact. Just the science alone is mind blowing.
2. You are unique. No one will ever be as good at being you as you are. Seriously.
3. You are enough. Always. Never doubt this. There is nothing to add, but feel free to expand.
4. There is always more to learn, but that is not failure; it’s a gift. It can be fun too.
5. Every obstacle is an opportunity to fall further into the miracle that is you.
6. Commit to being the best version of you every day. Recalibrate definition of βbestβ as needed.
7. Leave room for others when they fall off the wagon of their own miracle.
8. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive every which way. Forgive him. Forgive her. Forgive you.
9. Compassion is the key to forgiveness. Compassion means you feel the humanity in others.
10.The more you forgive, the more youβll enjoy being you, because the lighter your load will be.
11. In the end, as in the beginning: You. Are. Amazing.
Photo by Emilian Robert Vicol

About alexandra hope flood
alexandra hope flood is a writer, blogger, second-generation intuitive, psychic, medium, spiritual teacher and healer, who has worked with hundreds of clients all over the world. She was the 30 Intuitive Life Coach at All That Matters Yoga & Holistic Health Center in Wakefield, RI (largest non-residential yoga center in New England) for five years. She is vetted by Best Psychic Directory. To read her blog or inquire about her workshop offerings, please visit: alexandrahopeflood.com
Hi Alexandra,
Splendid! We have it all within. Introspection, silence and continual diligence allows us to see this truth.
Thanks for sharing!
Ryan
I find myself trying to be what I think would be most accepted, but I fail to realize that my authentic self is more than enough. To think that I always go through the trouble of trying to impress others, to no avail. I’ve shackled myself to a false persona.This was definitely a wake-up call for a lost college student ^.^ Thanks Alexandra!
Thank you. After a lousy day, I needed this!
Thank you I needed this in my life right now! I will be 30 soon and I feel everyone knows exactly who they are and I am still trying to figure me out! I drive my self crazy analizing everything I do or say! Plus I need to learn to forgive I hold on to pain way to much!
Funny but I used to tell people, if there was a manual on living, mine must have gone through the washing machine too many times to be able to read it. Your story was awesome, thank you…!! & congrats on your transformation, very powerful. Loved the 11 bits of advice at the end, def. the icing on the cake!!
thank you for this one ” 4. There is always more to learn, but that is not failure, it is a gift. It can be fun too.” that made my day.
Thanks
I enjoyed reading your journey – that need for outside approval is so enduring even when we know that we are enough (it would still be nice if others told us so!). I’m a work in progress on that one.
Alexandra you write BEAUTIFULLY! Thank you. I am SOOOO sharing this on all my networks.
Thanks for sharing your story! I love the list. I am definitely working on cultivating these attitudes in myself. Another thing I would add is to recognize that everyone has unique gifts to give the world.
amazing!
Do you have any advice for helping a child who I see has an extreme case of being the victim for attention?
Alexandra – this is a fantastic set of instructions for life. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing your life experience and the lessons and wisdom.
Hey Alexandra,
What a brilliant post and such brutally honest self-reflection.
“I was like a junkie for other peopleβs approval, permission, information, and maps.” This just jumped out at me. I know I have definitely suffered from this in the past. There are so many people that are living someone else life, their true selves wrapped in a cocoon of fear of rejection. Unfortunately there are too many triggers out their to stimulate this way of living, from the advice of adults to children, teachers, what kids are told they need to do to ‘get on’ in the world and advertising. The underlying message unfortunately is ‘you are not good enough’. ‘You need to be [this] in order to get [that]. It is rare that the points you outlined are contained in the message we tell our children and even other adults, but if we start with kids it wouldn’t be such an epidemic.
How to feel “enough” with yourself when you get NO positive feedback from the world?
Nice post. I could totally relate to: “I thought everyone except me was issued a handbook about life.” Was I missing something? I wondered. Recently I have noticed that other people are have their flaws and issues just like me. It was quite a relief!! It’s all about feeling whole, feeling worthy & important, loving myself just as I am and not worrying about what other people think. And forgiveness and compassion is essential; especially for myself!
Yes, wouldn’t it be great if we could teach children these vitally important things!!
Throughout life we’re constantly being bombarded with information telling us how we should be behaving — especially when we’re teenagers. I remember reading magazines at 15 telling you what men hate and how to behave in a relationship or how to please your boyfriend…it’s pretty shocking when you think about. I totally agree with what you’ve written here — you should always be yourself, no matter what.
Hi Patricia, thanks so much for sharing and I’m so glad that you found my post helpful. And you’re most welcome! π
Thanks so much Ryan! π And I completely agree we have it all within… so much of growth is about returning to who we truly are, don’t you think?
Hi Louise, I’m so glad you found it helpful and you are very welcome. π
Hi Kimberly, thanks for sharing. I am glad you found my post helpful. Be assured, I’m sure it seems as though those around you have it figured out, but I bet if you did some digging you might find that at least some of them are just trying to figure it out too. Please be patient with yourself. I remember getting ready to turn 30 (almost 15 years ago!) and thinking that I was hitting some kind of finish line, but instead, to my surprise and delight, I was really at the starting line of so many wonderful things. One more word of advice, if you can figure out a way to forgive, it will offer a boundless amount of personal freedom. It’s not always easy, but so worth it. π
Hi Sleyths, I’m sorry to hear that you get no positive feedback! That must be very hard. I can tell you, without having met you, that you ARE in every way amazing enough. And since I am part of the world, you can now you can count me as some sincere positive feedback that you have so deservedly received! π
Hi Burned,
Thanks so much and you’re most welcome! Happy to be of service. π
Hi Nikhil, You’re most welcome, it is my pleasure, and thank you for your comment. π
Thanks for sharing your story, Alexandra, and your journey from requiring validation to self-validation and being your true self. All of your life lessons resonate and are true wisdom. I know several of your points touch on forgiveness and I believe that’s the most important rule of all in life. If we can practice radical forgiveness (for small things and big) we can continuously allow our gigantic egos to be tamed! Not only does forgiveness allow us to be our true selves but it allows us to self-sabotaging ourselves. Often, the people we hurt most by not forgiving is ourselves. Excellent post!
What an uplifting and beautiful message. Thank you very much. My first read of this morning and I just happened stumbled upon this article and so glad I have thanks again I feel great.
Hi Raya,
As one of those former kinds of kids and as a parent today who knows pretty much every trick in the book from having been one of those kids, I can tell you that it’s important (and challenging) to walk that fine line between validation and compassion for hurting (or perceived to be hurting) kids and calling out the victim consciousness we’re witnessing. When I am in this position, I get very present with the kid (no noise, no distractions) and give them my FULL attention. I listen with intent to their side of the story and I validate them sincerely. Then I help them by talking about the larger meaning of what they’re experiencing e.g. is there a helpful lesson here for them? Is there a silver lining, etc.? What is this here to show you? By getting really into their space with them, it’s possible and probable that the child can begin to see that experiences serve purposes, first and foremost, for our greater good. If a being, especially a kid, can begin to recognize this perspective, you will be giving them a great gift. I am raising my own children this way and they are not only open to it, they now do it almost as second nature. I hope this is helpful. π
Thank you, Alia! π
Hi Ash, Thank you so much and super thanks for sharing!! I’m so grateful!! π
It would be a travesty not to share such great content. The pleasure was all mine! π
Looking forward to buying your book. When is it out? (I published my first article in a fairly major magazine here in Australia – really excited)
Hi Breaking, Thank you so very much! I’m right on board with you regarding the messages we’re bombarded with and raising children in this way — telling them from the git-go that they’re more than enough! π
You’re most welcome, Charlie. π
Hi Michael, thanks so much + for sharing your perspective! I love your “manual went through the washing machine line” — too funny. π See? More proof that at one time or another, most of us are winging it, right?
Hi Danny, you’re welcome! And thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. π
Hi CJ, Thanks so much! I’m so glad you enjoyed it and found it helpful. I agree 100% that EVERYONE has unique gifts to offer the world — a great and vital point! π
Hi Kathy, thanks! I’m glad you enjoyed it + I hear you. π
Here! Here!
Hi Harmony, thanks so much for sharing! I’m happy you found it resonant. We really are in this together, except it takes us a while to recognize it sometimes, right? π
Thanks. You describe it beautifully. But did you have a method of finding your true self? Meditation? Or are these affirmations you found to be helpful?
I love the handbook!!!! π Thank you for this great post, and wonderful message! π Thank you for vulnerability, honesty, and sharing your story!!!
This is truly wonderful (like all of us!). As someone whose “tastes” have never been in line with what the masses and media perceive are age or gender or time in life appropriate, I have often struggled with this. More than wanting to feel like I “belong” to some world that isn’t in line with what I truly believe in my heart and gut, I want to work on self-acceptance and compassion.
Day by day…
I know a lot of being a victim, even until now I love when people feel symphatize. But I know it’s not right, I want to change. But how? I hope you can help π
Hi Angela, thanks so much!! You’re most welcome!! π
Hi Vishnu, thank you very much! It was my pleasure. I love your term “radical forgiveness.” That is a great way to put it. It’s like, leave no stone unforgiven. π
π π
Thanks for asking about my book. It’s still in progress (but closing in on being finished) so I hope to get it published within the coming year. Congratulations on publishing your article! That must be a great feeling. π
Hi Eva, not to worry, here is what you can do to shift. First, it’s perfectly normal (and nice) to get sympathy when we’re genuinely hurting. It’s a good thing and one important way in which we are meant to support each other as humans.
In my experience, the best way that I have found to stop being a victim is by taking full responsibility for whatever it happening in our lives. It may be daunting at first, but once we start, it becomes incredible liberating.
Then, we stop acting like victims and start being powerful participants in our lives. We will still receive sympathy when it’s called for, but it will more grounded. Does this makes sense? I hope it is helpful. π