“See the positive side, the potential, and make an effort.” ~Dalai Lama
I was a perfectionist growing up, always trying to bang my flawed round-shaped self into a perfect square hole that couldn’t possibly contain me.
In my early twenties, I decided to focus on personal development—a positive thing, I assumed.
I figured if I worked on improving a little every day and nurturing a positive mindset, I’d feel a lot better about myself than I did when I got down on myself for my flaws.
I didn’t take into consideration that I might become a perfectionist about positivity.
That I might catch negative thinking and feel guilty about it instead of letting it go and moving into a more positive space.
That I might muster every piece of my will to avoid negative feelings and end up over-thinking them instead of simply feeling them and letting them pass.
For most of my life, I’ve fought reality. I didn’t like the way people responded to me, so I tried to manipulate their perception. I didn’t like the world around me, so I tried to control it. I didn’t like the world within me, so I tried to escape it.
Even when I tried to be positive, I was resisting the present. If only I was positive enough, I thought, I could create a better tomorrow—then I’d really be happy.
I tried on different positive hats in my pursuit of happiness.
I’ve told myself that everything really is in my mind—that if someone appears to be mean or inconsiderate, it’s largely a consequence of how I’m interpreting things. But then I started wondering if that’s the case, what’s wrong with my mind? Why do I so frequently assume the worst first and then have to catch it and change it?
I made lists of all the things my life would involve if it was more positive: I’d volunteer; I’d be open-hearted, always eager to greet a stranger with a smile; I wouldn’t fear lacking, and would freely give to anyone who needed it. Then I felt overwhelmed by the list of things I needed to do. Who has the time and energy to be that positive?
I’ve focused on things I appreciate in life by keeping a gratitude journal. Oddly enough, I stressed about that, as well. I felt guilty if I missed a day and continually measured whether or not I was doing enough to express gratitude in my daily life.
Positive thinking didn’t bring me peace because I was still the one doing the thinking, and I hadn’t really changed. I was still fighting, judging everyone and everything, including myself, and wondering when life would finally get easier.
No matter how positive I tried to be, it never worked because I wasn’t working for it.
Working for it, for me, involves just fifteen minutes a day.
I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t experienced it myself, but a brief morning meditation has a profound effect on me. When I start the day by sitting in silence for even a short while, my mental space transforms.
Without some type of contemplative practice, my busy mind gets overwhelming. Without taking time to clear my head, positive thinking is only moderately effective because there are just too many thoughts for the positive ones to have an impact.
Positive thinking, in itself, isn’t enough for me to experience the world in a present, joyful way. The most positive thinking, I’ve decided, is less thinking.
I’d like to say I no longer over-analyze, get lost in my thoughts, or get hard on myself, but that’s not entirely true.
Even with tools that help me feel calm and centered, I still feel this way at times.
There are days when I fight with myself and the world and judge myself pretty harshly. It’s usually when I’ve stopped doing the things I know I need to do for me. When work gets overwhelming and people seem demanding, sometimes I don’t make those things a priority.
I am still imperfect, I still make bad decisions at times, and I still struggle with letting go. It’s called being human.
Growth is rarely a straight line. It’s more like an EKG monitor. It’s tempting to look at it with a sense of anxiety. To measure the peaks and valleys, wondering if the peaks are high and frequent enough.
But I’m learning that being positive means releasing the need to judge—to stop assessing what’s right and good enough, and whether I’ve been right or good enough, and approach each new moment with a sense of space.
It’s my job to create that space—to clear out all the thoughts that drown out the positive ones.
The biggest barrier between me and peace is my instinct to analyze why I didn’t, don’t, or might not have it. Stillness silences that instinct.
When I take time for stillness, it doesn’t matter how I interpret things because suddenly I stop telling stories about events as they happen to me.
When I take time for stillness, it doesn’t matter how many positive things I could do if I tried; I’m too busy putting good into the world to dwell on those lists.
When I sink into stillness, it doesn’t matter how many things I write in my gratitude journal; I’m too busy appreciating the world in front of me to worry about jotting it down.
Today, I feel peaceful. In this moment, I am not trying to be positive. I created space for myself to just be. And that, I’ve learned, is the most positive thing we can do for ourselves.
Sunset yoga image via Shutterstock
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
😀
I’m trying to think of something atypical to say but I can’t, so I’ll take a leaf out of your book and just say: wow.
A huge thanks for saying these things! I feel constantly daunted by positive thinking (being a cynic and all) and those who peddle it. It’s a relief to see that not only does someone else feel it doesn’t work for them as it’s apparently supposed to, but they’re also willing to stand up and say that it doesn’t work. In a coherent and validated voice too.
I’m embarking on a bit of a venture today and I’ve been making myself sick with stress over it – will I be able to cope, think positive, you’ll be fine, you’ll find a way – when really I’ve been itching to just come out and say: I’m shooting from the hip here, and a little further than I can manage, but I’m gonna give it a bash anyway.
I forget that I’m a better person when I focus (or rather not focusing at all) on just being. Me. Today I’ll remember this.
(I’m also very tempted to join a local yoga group now…)
Thanks Lori!
Kudos
Hello Lori,
Thank you very much for this post!
i can relate to what you share here … i just started what i called “meditating” and it has been a bliss…
😉
I really like this post – positive thinking seems to be a good thing but only if it flows naturally. I am still struggling with the “trying to be a better person” bit sometimes but I’m on the road to just accepting myself and in turn, accepting other people and life’s shortcomings. I think taking time for yourself may lead to positivity – at least in part – and one may not even notice.
[…] Why Positive Thinking Didn’t Work for Me | tinybuddha.com […]
I’m glad to hear somebody shares a similar view with me.
Positive thinking has never really been my thing either. I simply don’t like the idea of constructing a false reality and blocking out my true emotion.
I’ve always wanted to give some form of meditation a shot and this article may have just pushed me over the edge.
Thanks
Ben
I try to thik positively, and for the most part I do. When I don’t, I don’t. In due time, I come back to positive thoughts. For sure I have not always had that thought process, and when I am not thinking positive, this is definitely not my process. Yoga and meditation are great comfort and aid. I recently picked my meditation practice back up, and while slow going, it is what it is. Its all better when I remember to stay in the moment. Thanks for the reminder.
this was the most inspiring and wonderful article ever! thank you for sharing this.
How refreshing to read this. After I watched The Secret I stressed myself out so bad by trying to be positive. And I did the same thing with the gratitude journal. I think your suggestion of thinking less is perfect. However being an Aquarius I can’t seem to stop. I try to mediate but my mind won’t quiet itself. Just was introduced to your website. So happy to have found it!
Lori you inspire me in so many ways
Thinking gets you every time. More being, less thinking.
“For most of my life, I’ve fought with what is. I didn’t like the way people responded to me, so I tried to manipulate them. I didn’t like the world around me, so I tried to control it. I didn’t like the world within me, so I tried to escape it.”
Oh, me too! I got myself so far off track doing this for the first 40 years of my life.
“The most positive thinking, I’ve decided is less thinking.”
This exactly.
This is exactly what I’ve been looking for! Talk about perfect timing. I’ve been wanting to be positive that sometimes it strikes me, negativity creeps in from the stress of chasing the positivity. And this is so wrong. The stress is unnecessary, so is the thought of wanting to be positive. Positivity comes from the mind, seeing something good in every single thing even when things can be nasty or bad. It’s all about perception and interpretation. Thanks Lori!
Your sentiments are echoed here in a short piece about mediation called ‘Why Zen’ http://s.nodecity.com/whyzen
Thank you for sharing.
it wasn’t until I realized how I impacted people, that I was able to change from a very negative, passive woman to a positive assertive woman.
I found that positive thinking didn’t work for me because I didn’t understand who I was and how I impacted the people around me.
So until you know how you impact others, your thinking may be negative.
This quote speaks volumes to me I love it.”
For most of my life, I’ve fought with what is. I didn’t like the way people responded to me, so I tried to manipulate them. I didn’t like the world around me, so I tried to control it. I didn’t like the world within me, so I tried to escape it.”
Thank you for the link! I will check it out. =)
That’s an excellent point to ponder. I sometimes forget the impact I have on other people, and it’s helpful to remember that my inner state affects everyone around me. Taking care of myself isn’t just for me; it’s for everyone and everything in my space.
Thanks for commenting!
You’re most welcome! I’m glad to know other people can relate. I suspected I wasn’t alone in these experiences, but you never know until you put it out there.
There’s something inherently stressful in telling myself I need to be different than I am. There’s something liberating about letting myself be me, but taking steps to be me more peacefully.
Thanks for commenting!
Exactly. =)
Thanks for commenting! I’m glad this post resonated with you. I’ve gotten off track before and I suspect I will again. It’s comforting to know, though, I have tools to get back–I just need to be willing to use them.
You’re most welcome. I’m glad you found it useful!
I’m so glad you like it!
Have you ever tried yoga? I have a hard time quieting my mind, as well, but yoga has helped me because it combines mind and body. When I’m concentrating on moving into the postures, it’s difficult to dwell on other thoughts.
I am not sure why, but, for some reason, while reading, I was thinking of the morning air. It’s the freshest air of the day. It’s comparable to a fresh coat of snow on which no one has stepped on yet. It’s completely pure.
That’s what the morning air. An air that was naturally cleansed overnight of all human activity. It’s the best air of the day.
I am not sure what I am saying. I guess if I’m saying anything is… Breathe and enjoy the morning air, the morning environment, the morning feeling.
Hi Ben,
I’m so happy to read that! I suspect most people would benefit from meditation. Meditating and practicing yoga are two of the best things I’ve ever done for my mental state and emotions.
When I keep up with my practice, I’m far more even keeled so there are less emotions to (feel tempted to) block out.
Have a great weekend =)
Lori
Hi Samantha,
I can relate to what you wrote in a big way. Some days I am more accepting of myself than others. I never realized before, though, that when I am critical of myself, I become more critical of other people. So working on accepting myself is actually an act of compassion for people around me.
I think you hit the nail on the head. Taking time for me is a subtle approach to becoming more positive, but it seems to have an impact.
Lori
You’re most welcome Clau! I’m so glad you could relate, and also that you’ve found bliss through meditation.
Wishing you a wonderful weekend!
Lori
Amen. I fight wih this often, and it becomes one of my “shoulds” (I have many). I often tell myself I “should” be more positive. What a freeing thought – don’t try. Just be. Thank you Lori. Have a wonderful weekend.
Hi Sam,
I thought you might like this one! I think that without some type of meditation, yoga, or other mind-clearing activity, positive thinking can be really frustrating. It’s like fighting with your mind against its instincts instead of creating peace on a deeper level (which would then naturally change thinking processes).
Good luck with your venture today! I think you and I are a lot of like–I stress about new things, too, but I always impress myself in the end. I suspect you will, too =)
Lori
I can’t believe it’s been such a mission to realise that peace – not a better life (cash, job blah blah etc ad infinatum…) – is what I’m craving. Which is quite hilarious now that I think of it because I’m always going on about how I all I want is a quiet life! I think I’ll start listening to myself a bit more.
The venture went very well by the way, better than I was expecting! I’ll keep myself from squiggling away here, but will let you know!
I think I stress over new things because I’m so eager (desperate *cough*) for something to turn out right for me. I know this is down to me: my thoughts on what’s right, ideal situations, the little thought experiments I construct in order to help me cope with things that I find uncomfortable; dreams, basically.
Yep. I Turn my dreams into unbearable burdens. Go me!
No more though. I’m where I want to be at the moment, where I need to be so that I can reach my dreams. I think this is the first time in 20 years that I’ve ever paused and felt content.
Is this how it feels for you?
Ramble ramble…
Kudos
Gorgeous, thanks, and beautifully said. (The Untethered Soul – great book, similar approach.).
So… what the hell do you actually do to make it happen?
Nice article! I´m just discovering the stillness, and the benefits of it. And I agree that´s very hard to keep the mind aways in a positive way.
I Like your blog and I´m following you on twitter. Keep working on it, help us a lot!
Best wishes from Brazil.
“Fall seven times, stand up eight”
(Japanese Proverb)
Great read, Lori! I get so much from your site on a daily basis, and this one like many, came at just the right time. Now if I can just get to that point where I am sitting back watching my thoughts like passing road signs……..
Thank you Chris! I’m so glad you enjoy Tiny Buddha. As for watching thoughts pass, I’m not entirely there yet, but some days I feel close.
Thanks Kristin! I haven’t heard of that book, actually, but I’d like to read it.
Hi Art~ Make what happen?
Hi Daniel! Pleased to meet you. Thanks for sharing that quote!
Hi Tony~ I know how the “should” game goes. I’ve played it a good few times. I’m so grateful for days when I get out of my own way. A wonderful weekend to you, as well!
What a beautiful analogy. I’ve never really thought about it before, but I’ve definitely felt that sense of freshness and clarity in the morning. Thanks for commenting =)
You reminded me to create my morning habit of meditation again…. thanks 🙂
Oh, and btw, I think its great to see that you take the time to see what ppl have to say and reply to their thoughts. Makes you more than just a faceless writer. I think thats awesome 😀
Wow, really profound post. I TOTALLY do that to myself! Thanks for helping me see something about myself today!
Adam
THANK YOU!!!!! I can’t tell you how much i see myself in this!! I didn’t quite realise how hard on myself i was being. I feel like i have to be perfect at being positive, and that if i can’t do it, then i will fail at ever feeling peaceful or being a “good person”…….so ridiculous! I think i need to take up meditation!! thanks again!
Love the analogy! On those days I just don’t feel like rising, this thought will boost my energy to rise and greet the day. Perhaps this is why I always seem to so appreciate morning meditation…stillness while taking in that fresh morning air. Thank you!
I’ve been reading for a while, but this is my first comment. I so appreciate your messages. They’re down to earth and just what I need to hear. They’re gentle reminders to return to myself. Your easy, flowing writing style makes it a pleasure to read your thoughts. Thanks for such an inspiring blog! Keep on keeping on.
You’re most welcome! I had a feeling I wasn’t alone, but I didn’t know for sure. I haven’t actually shared these thoughts with anyone before. Thanks for commenting!
I know that feeling well! That’s awesome you’re going to take up meditation again. I can feel a big difference when I get back into it after falling out. Have a great weekend =)
Thanks Kathy. It’s a pleasure to “meet” you. I’m so happy you find my writing helpful. I try to be open and honest because I suspect we’re really not all that different (people in general) and that we can all help each other if we’re willing to open up. Have a great weekend =)
Thank you =) I appreciate when people share their thoughts and I try to respond to everyone. It’s nice to create and then be part of a conversation.
I never considered that wanting to be positive isn’t the same as being positive. – so true. Obsess less – quiet the mind – be more.
Thank you for sharing you.
quieting the mind and soul is the recipe for a true positive way of life. Days that I don’t quiet myself and be still, is a day of rushing, aggravation, judging and anger. However, I find that it isn’t too late in the day to be still and quiet myself and release the tension I’ve allowed in. Now I’m off to be still and patient. Good advice and good for you!