“Our strength grows out of our weaknesses.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I never thought I’d want to kill myself.
All my life, I’d been a strong, independent woman, building a business from home, raising two wonderful sons, and staying happy and positive throughout.
If you’d told me I’d one day consider taking my own life, I’d have laughed and said, “You’ve got me confused with someone else!”
But after twenty years and two sons together, my husband and I decided to split up.
So what? Separation and divorce are commonplace. You just cope with it like everyone else. I was strong, so not coping would mean I was weak.
But it hurt and hurt and hurt. And eventually I just wanted to stop. I couldn’t put my boys through that, but I couldn’t see another way out. So, while pretending to everyone that I was fine, I thought about it. Seriously.
What Do You Pretend?
Coping with everything life throws at you is tough.
Juggling all your different roles, trying to be all things to all people, and “shoehorning” so much into every day.
You and your needs aren’t even worth a mention on your very long to-do list.
You feel guilty and inadequate and worry that someday all those plates you’re spinning will come crashing down. You’re an amazing somebody who often feels like an invisible and overwhelmed nobody. Feeling lost and alone, living in silent despair.
Not always much fun being a grown-up, is it?
You’re not alone, you know.
From the outside, others seem to be holding it all together. Just like you. Just like me.
Have you thought that perhaps sometimes they’re not coping either? That maybe, just like you, they’re not perfect?
Pretending to cope comes at a price.
I’d also fallen out of love with my first home-based business, so my marriage to my best friend was over, and my future was gone.
Our joint, shameful debt took me months to resolve, was a debilitating hell, and meant we had to live a lie under the same roof for eight months, sharing our bed in cold silence for the first four as we pretended to our young teenage sons that all was normal.
I felt sick when I awoke to the conversation we’d been dreading: telling the boys that Mom and Dad were splitting up. A parent’s supposed to make things better, not worse. As I tore their world apart, it broke my heart.
When we did separate, my expenses escalated while my income sank. And when my boys went to stay at their father’s, nothing could stop the overwhelming loneliness from driving me into the ground. So I put my head down and worked. It kept me sane a little longer.
Something had died, but instead of grieving, I pretended I was coping.
My even busier life was now a nightmare, yet I was barely functioning and I didn’t recognize myself anymore: lethargic, hollow, lost, ashamed, and desperately lonely. Feeling weak and pathetic because I couldn’t cope on my own without a man around. A failure.
I started to unravel.
I wanted to run away rather than face the misery ahead, so I escaped to bed to shorten the days. Cooking for one underlined my loneliness, so I didn’t bother, and for a while I comforted myself with alcohol, as the health implications were no longer important.
And that’s when I thought of making it all stop. To stop feeling miserably unhappy. To stop crying every day. I wasn’t miserable when I slept, so why not just keep sleeping? It made perfect sense.
But the damage to my boys forced me to keep my comforting escape route a secret.
Then came the anxiety attacks, and twelve months after our painful decision, I was diagnosed with a stress-related facial skin disease and depression.
When all seems lost, there’s still a way forward.
If you are, or feel you might be, depressed, take comfort and pride from Dr. Tim Cantopher’s words from his book Depressive Illness: The Curse of The Strong:
“You are wrong in thinking you are weak and should be ashamed of having this illness, you have got it because you are strong … a weak, cynical or lazy person faced with difficulties will quickly give up, so would never get depressed enough to become ill.”
I can’t solve your issues here, but if you’re struggling and pretending, I’d like to help you take that all-important first step so you can start to look after you.
1. Be honest.
Pretend and, at some point, the problem and the pain will surface ten-fold. If you’re not coping, admit to yourself that you’re not. This shows great strength.
2. Ask for help.
This isn’t a sign of weakness. Are others weak for coming to you for help? Why should you be different? Tell those who care about you that you’re not coping. Don’t struggle in silence.
3. Talk openly.
When you‘ve asked for help, share your feelings with someone you know and love who will listen without judgment or advice, or with a trained counselor.
Talking about how you feel and having someone listen can feel self-indulgent at first, but it’s a huge part of the healing process.
4. Learn to say no more often.
Maybe saying yes to everything and everyone makes you feel superhuman. But superheroes are works of fiction, and you don’t possess special powers.
When you’re saying yes to everything, who and what are you saying no to?
Try to do fewer things better rather than taking on so much that you beat yourself up for what you don’t achieve.
5. Rejoice and reward yourself for your achievements.
If you berate yourself for what you get wrong, then surely you have to take responsibility and take credit when you do something well.
6. Accept that perfection is impossible.
In a world of self-help and personal development, we’re bombarded with advice about always being positive and successful, and striving to be the best.
Strive to be the best that you can be, and be a realist. Just like me, you’re imperfect, you’re weak sometimes, you make mistakes, and you’re a work in progress.
Strive to be happy. Accept your weaknesses and you’ll be stronger for it.
7. Make time for you.
You fulfill many roles: parent, partner, businessperson, child, sibling, friend. Don’t lose sight of your needs and being you.
Give yourself permission to take time out for you and put you back on your to-do list. You’ll be more effective and happier in your other roles.
8. Start putting yourself first.
It’s not selfish. You’re important and you deserve better. So, once you’re back on that list, work on moving yourself further up.
To look after others, you first have to look after yourself. The in-flight emergency procedure tells you to put on your own oxygen mask first, before you help others with theirs.
9. Stop comparing yourself to others.
I’d wager that most people feel inadequate and overwhelmed.
Just as others have no idea what’s going on in your life, you have no idea what’s really going on in theirs, so it serves no positive purpose to compare yourself and worry about what others are doing. You’re unique. You can only be you. Chances are they’re probably comparing themselves to you!
Moving Forward
Over time the medication helped lighten my mood, and I could look a little beyond my despair. If I was going to keep living, I didn’t want to spend it wishing I were dead. The counseling gave me time and space to stop pretending, talk honestly, and grieve.
While still battling depression, I’m now cooking healthy meals again and laughing far more than I have in years. I’ve enrolled at a gym and am taking time for me. I’ve qualified as a Life Coach and set up a blog and online business.
I’m still here to love and look after my boys.
I’ve learned to stop comparing myself to others who I don’t even know, and that’s it’s okay—no, it’s necessary—to express rather than bury my feelings, to admit when I’m not coping, and to embrace my weaknesses.
Every day, the baby steps I’m taking for me, just me, add up. I’m miles away from where I was.
You can move ahead too.
You’re not weak for wanting to run away. You’re strong for having the guts to admit it.
Decide to stop the unhealthy pretenses. Be proud of who you are and what you achieve each day. Set time aside for you. Everything and everyone else can wait a while.
About Chris Lappin
Chris Lappin is a blogger and qualified Life Coach with a passion for supporting women who work from home to balance their work and home life so they’re more productive and happier. Her free Improve How You Work From Home E-course will help you do that and more.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
This meant much to me. Thank you for writing it.
Rick thank you for reading it and for commenting. I hope it helps you in some way.
I really needed to read something like this today! In the past couple months, I’ve spent many a night wishing I was dead and pretending everything is ok. Last night happened to be one of those nights. I feel a little better this morning thanks to your blog. I will refer back to it every time I feel like I need something to motivate me to move forward and not get derailed by my thoughts.
brave. powerful. moving. thank you.
All I can say is thank you. You are extremely amazing for sharing your story. It has helped me realize its ok to take care of me first.
brave. moving. powerful. thank you.
Thank you for this powerful piece. After the birth of my son I did everything I could to prove tot the world (and myself) that I could cope and was coping. But I wasn’t. It is exhausting pretending you are okay when you are not. I am now focused on doing all that you mention on your list and I am learning how to look after myself and not worry that I am a failure or selfish for having to do so. Thanks again
Wow. Just wow. This is amazing and I have often felt similar but it’s nice that I’m not alone and it’s a sign of strength not weakness when I feel less than myself. Lots and lots of love to you Chris!
When were you eavesdropping on my life to be able to write this!!! You just described my life a few months ago!
~ Thank you so much ! It’s hard to remember to be good to yourself, and take care of yourself, especially when you are doing so for others…put the mask on you first, then help others ♥
Dear Chris, I read this last night on Tiny Buddha as I was having a difficult time coping with some of difficulties I have been faced with over the past 8 months. You gave me strength to stop crying, journal a bit and realize that I am a strong person who will make it through the challenges I am faced with. I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share. Thank you so much! It was what I needed at just the right time!
Thank you Chris for writing this post. I cried throughout reading it (to the point I could barely see the words). This is exactly what I am going through and the pain is seering.
I’m encouraged by your writing. I felt like have a little more grip, like I could see a little more daylight. It’s hard as hell wearing that smile sometimes. I’m glad you’re here for all of us.
Thanks for your sharing your powerful story! I feel a strong connection to it. In the last year, I hit emotional bottom at work and sought help of a life coach. My coach has worked with me to “right size” my expectations of myself and others. This has helped me along the road to healing.
I found this when I needed it most. Widowed after 25 yrs, kids grew up and left, alone, depressed, hating myself for being weak-you opened my eyes and gave me hope & quite possibly saved my life-I am printing this out and putting it on my wall-oh how I love you for this post.
I’ve done #1 through #4 on this list and still came up empty. When I attempted #6 and #7 once, my mother called the police, just because I was unreachable via telephone for one day….ONE day! Its hard to take time for yourself and put yourself first when the people around you don’t even respect that space.
The part where you said “If I was going to keep living, I didn’t want to spend it wishing I were dead” drives it all home for me. Its great that you were able to get through your darkness, and be able to be there for your sons. I wish you all well.
I was in such a dark, depressive phase in my life, to the point where I would cry constantly alone in pain. I was alive but not living and comparing myself to others and thinking I was a loser and a failure. After I learned to accept a few life situations I was ready to cope. Now I’m smiling more and crying less, and putting myself first knowing that I’m only human. This was a great article which has only further encouraged me to keep my head up and move on forward. Thanks for sharing your personal story 🙂
I suffered severe depression for many years, and the most important thing I learnt was not to underestimate my friends. I don’t feel burdened when a friend comes to me for help, nor do they when I go to them. I also realised that it’s unfair of us to not allow friends the opportunity to help – that’s what they’re there for, and each and every one would rather I call them hysterical at 2am, than get a phone call notifying them of my death the next morning.
Lilmissmoonshine let go of the pretense and do keep reading it if it helps. Be kind to yourself – sometimes there’ll be a little progress and sometimes there’ll be none. And that’s ok. Baby steps.
For me Kelli expectations are so important. I’ve learnt to manage mine so I still strive for things but don’t push myself too much and to be more aware and accepting of the negative things. I always tried to look on the bright side and now I am more aware that just as there is Summer, there is Winter and it’s not negative to acknowledge there are negatives!
Just be you and feel those emotions kj. My counsellor helped me see it’s ok to be sad and upset. To accept it and to embrace it rather than push it away and bury it. So it’s ok to not wear that smile.
I’m glad you’re here too. You can see there are lots of us and that’s a comfort in itself.
Amanda nothing I say in these comments will help you because that would be flippant as it’s not easy.
I’m so sorry for that pain you’re feeling and there isn’t a shortcut. If it’s any consolation it would be to say to accept it and don’t feel bad about feeling it. It’s easy for me to say it now as I’m further through that process. Before I’d have apologized for making you cry but I’m not going to. I will just repeat to ask for help if you haven’t already
Thanks Katie, your comment means a lot.
Absolutely Kelly! I would just add that it’s not just ok but necessary! I think we’re indoctrinated to feel it’s selfish to think of ourselves first.
Now you’re aware, you can do something about it!
Wow what can I add to that Louise? Nothing except I totally agree that it’s exhausting. What a waste of our energy! I too am a failure, I don’t cope and I’m trying to be selfish. Thank you.
And lots of love to you Jessica. And you’re definitely not alone. There are lots of us around. How refreshing!!
Hahaha! Well I’m glad I described how it was months ago. You’ve obviously been moving forward no matter how quickly or slowly.
Thanks Linda, I love your quote. I’m pinching it!
I agree Charli ann maybe we should make a pact to look after ourselves. Taking Linda’s quote and adding to it by deciding to treat ourselves as we treat those we love.
Thank you – you’ve no idea how much this comment and the others here mean to me.
Yes you’re strong Lorelei and you’re also weak. And both of those are ok.
I’m pleased to hear your depression is in the past Lisa.
You’re so right – “it’s unfair of us to not allow friends the opportunity to help”. I’d be really cross if a friend didn’t come to me for help so it has to work both ways!
Tizalee I want to hug you. I think everyone else here can relate to what you’re saying even if our situations aren’t the same and the pain is different.
Can I just ask that you think about finding some professional help so you can talk openly and you can find where that hope is so it’s more than a word.
I’ve been to weekly counselling sessions for 18 weeks and it’s been incredible. I went to grieve. I wanted to be the ‘old me’ again rather than the pathetic, weak, dependent, lonely ‘me’ I’d become. But now I don’t want to be the ‘old me’ anymore. I want to stop pleasing others, to stop pretending, to ask for help, to stop trying to over-achieve, to accept that I’m weak. What happened is part of me. Not sure that makes sense to anyone else but me!!
Like you I hated myself for being weak. I want to start a campaign that we all rejoice in our weaknesses!
Sending you a big virtual hug and am thinking of you.
Thanks for sharing your story Navy. The comments here are part of the post and have brought it alive with everyone sharing so openly.
So pleased to hear you’re smiling more and that you can be honest and say you’re ‘crying less’. The sadness and pain hasn’t gone but it’s better than it was.
Wow Nicole that’s hard. That isn’t something I’ve experienced. My pressure is brought about by daily life and the pressures I put upon myself.
I’m pleased that it resonated with you. It sounds so simple but I had to make a choice, no half-way.
I hope you find that space to be you.
That was really moving. I wish you so well.
Thank you for your kind words Olivia.
Pretending to be fine is even more painful when you get so good at it that you think it’s normal behaviour until due to critical mass something happens and you realise your not really who you thought you were. Undiagnosed depression is misunderstood and effects many areas of life leaving a trail of misinterpreted incidents, weak foundations and support where uneducated friends, family and culture is concerned. This only furthers your decent into darkness especially when you are intelligent enough to know you are a cash cow for psychiatrists peddling psychotropic drugs as a means to fulfil their career aspirations relative to their relationships with pharmaceutical agencies.
Thank you for writing this and for being so honest in sharing your story. Reading it makes me realise how far I have come as I went through a similar depression which I thought would never end and nobody around me seemed to understand or sympathise which made it even harder. But with counselling I learnt that it was ok to be weak sometimes, nobody is always strong, that being sad or lonely is a natural reaction to some life events and it does not make me a lesser person. Life looks much brighter now and it is thanks to people like you reaching out to others. Your words really help a lot.
Dear Chris and all precious ladies, who left their comments, thank you!
How surprising is to find out that I am not alone in my darkness… After two and a half very unfortunate years I found myself in abyss. For past 7-8 months I am tired of living. In early October I almost had a stroke and while waiting in hospital for all kinds of tests and treatments, I was praying to God to make that the final point – I had no urge to live. The most exhausting part is keeping up the appearances – for my two wonderful boys,for relatives who live on the other side of the globe, for friends who turned out to be just acquaintances when things stopped working fine for me. That famous light at the end of a tunnel seemed turned off in my case. But one very dear lady told me: “Fake it till you make it!”
Now, after turning 50, i am learning to love myself and taking baby steps on that new path. Although, sometimes I am just laying down and thinking of the best scenario of leaving this world, then realizing how insane is that!
Thank you once again for your post, and all comments – so enlightening!
This is a beautifully-written article and, believe it or not, came at JUST the exact right moment! I cried tears of both joy and pain while reading it. It reminded me of things I already know but are sometimes extremely difficult to implement while in the midst of a trial. Chris, may you, your family and everyone reading be blessed!
Your story brought tears of recognition. Thank you so much for sharing and for your excellent suggestions. May those awful feelings never come back!
Thank you so much for writing this. Your words have helped me to realize that in taking care of myself, I can more effectively take care of others. Your words are very wise. Thank you for posting this.
Thank you! I greatly needed this post!
Thanks for the hug! I have a counseling appt week after next and a friend of mine gave me a ph# for a life coach. I’ve been widowed for nearly 9 yrs and thought I was through all this hitting bottom stuff-this really snuck up on me. Generally I am so thankful for what I did have and what I do have (grown kids & grandkids)but just haven’t been able to find my way through this. I really want to put all this behind me and continue on the path to finding myself. Most of the time it’s been an interesting journey, just lately not. It just feels crummy right now and none of us like feeling this way-but this too shall pass and the sun will rise tomorrow. Thanks for caring.
Dear Chris, thanks so much for having the courage to post this.
For about a year I woke up every morning picturing my own death in my head. Always violent, always the blood splattering on the walls of my dining room as I would take my own life with a gun to the head (even though I don’t even own a gun). And, no one would even care…I don’t have a husband or children, I really think that worrying about who would care for my dog was the only thing keeping me alive at the timeI was so depressed that I thought that I was beyond help…that I needed to get a bit better before I could even go to get help…and then, I finally did.
I didn’t last long in therapy – apparently that wasn’t the route for me – but therapy brought me to buddhism and mindfulness training and from this, my suffering started to be relieved. And, I found sangha, actually many of them…groups of people on the same path, wanting to learn the same things and wanting to lead a more fulfilling life. For anyone out there feeling alone, I’d definitely recommend checking out meetup.com or even starting your own meetup group. I belong to several sanghas now. I wake up in the morning to a morning meditation telesangha, have a monthly buddhist book club (which is how I discovered “Tiny Buddha”) and have started Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction and Yoga Teacher Training.
It’s been a little over a year now since I’ve felt that I wanted to take me life – and really haven’t thought of it again until reading this post and am so thankful to my sangha for helping me lift out of it!
Thanks again for your honest and heartfelt post. We are all here together, brothers and sisters on this path.
I’m so pleased to hear you have a counselling appt. I’m a life coach and would actually recommend that initially you just go to the counsellor and leave the life coaching for now as it may overwhelm you rather than help. The counselling will help with the crumminess, your healing and a way forward that fits you. The life coaching can wait for now imo. If the counsellor doesn’t ‘fit’ you then ask to see someone else. That’s really important. Please keep in touch.
Thanks for sharing Angelique. It’s wonderful to hear you found your way forward and well done for not giving up. It’s a reminder for me that though the problem may be similar, the solution is often very different as we’re different. I remember that as a life coach but sometimes forget it in daily life!
I love the fact that, because of what you went through, you’ve now got a new direction. Thanks for the recommendation.
And I’d like to thank Lori for creating this amazing, supportive community.
Hope it helps you Sem.
My pleasure Janice. It took me months to write and for a couple of months I couldn’t even bring myself to continue with it as it was too painful.
It’s strange to sometimes admit to ourselves that we are worth being at the top of our own list. It will take time and it’s not selfish.
Thank you for your kind comment. I wanted this to touch and to help. I hope you find your way forward whatever your pain is
Denise your comment has made me cry! Thank you.
While you’re going through that trial it can be impossible to think straight sometimes as overwhelm sets in. Baby steps. Reminders of what we already know are always good 🙂