“I’ve discovered that you can’t change people. They can change themselves.” ~Jim Rohn
This is indeed a fact—a fact I took a long time to learn.
You may argue that we help each other change, and it’s true. But the deepest truth is that only we are responsible for our own growth.
The most difficult work is the seemingly minuscule shift from resistance to willingness, which allows us to face the difficult things we’ve been hiding from, and only we can do this for ourselves.
I had boyfriends who had issues. One of them lacked ambition; he was already lost when we met around age sixteen. I, on the other hand, was born with sparks at my heels. It took me two years to have the courage to break up with him.
I dated another sweet guy who also happened to be lost. His mouth said a lot of things about what he wanted to do with his life, but his body seemed to be paralyzed. I figured this out pretty early on and broke things off.
Then his cousin called to tell me he was okay but that he’d been shot (wrong place, wrong time they say), and I dropped everything to take care of him. I convinced myself this was the catalyst for his change. It wasn’t. Almost a year later we broke up.
Then there were other guys with other issues. Some of them frozen in fear from traumatic circumstances and others with kinks they were unwilling to iron out.
Then I was twenty-nine, and I met this guy I told my roommate was “really great, but not gonna be my boyfriend.” He kept asking me out and he kept having nothing but positive qualities, so I found myself in love.
And he loved every ounce of me. Suddenly I was wrapped up in a man who thought I was spectacular just as I was, and couldn’t help but tell me every chance he got.
His unconditional acceptance allowed me to see that I had been busy trying to save men instead of saving myself.
Only through the cloak of genuine love can we have the courage to face the darkest things about ourselves, things we’ve been hiding from our whole lives. And I was ready for it, so it all spilled right out.
I saw that my whole life I had been trying to be someone instead of simply allowing myself to be.
I realized that part of the reason I had been drawn to the men from my past was because helping them gave me a sense of control. I didn’t trust them to figure it out on their own; I didn’t trust myself to be with a man who was genuinely strong because I wasn’t yet.
I was afraid of losing them and the feeling of worthiness they provided me, so I tried to control their lives and my own.
I believed I could manipulate circumstances to create my happiness. And one day I woke up to the recognition that trying to control everything in my life hadn’t worked out very well for me, and, frankly, it was exhausting.
It was simply much easier to accept things as they were; the burden was gone, the trying, the effort, the need for things to be different.
I wasn’t nudged or asked to work on these things. I did it for myself. Because I needed to.
So I think we need to stop asking each other to change. We need to embrace who it is we see in the moment and accept them as they are. If they can’t be in our lives in the way we’d like because of who they are in that moment, then we get to make the choice to move on.
But we can’t force each other to change.
Sticking around because we see potential, in turn, stifles ourselves.
We spend so much energy trying to be okay with who we’re with instead of really being okay with them. And if we’re not okay with them as they are, then it’s okay to walk away. It’s okay to walk away.
I had to walk away from the man who changed my life. Because I had loved and been loved so deeply, the loss of that relationship left me in a deep depression. For the first time in my life I didn’t really care about anything. But it turns out that letting go is one of the gorgeous gifts of life.
I embraced love and truth and difficult feelings and no feelings at all. On the other side of letting go I was left in the residue of the truth of my humanity; I am always left with myself, and it’s myself that I must remain true to.
When we desperately try to make something work that just isn’t working, we waste an immense amount of energy and create a lot of suffering.
So, when we finally walk away we feel light (eventually). We realize we are full as we are and so we attract fullness. When we do this we’re allowing the highest love to come into our lives.
Something Jim Rohn also says is this, “The greatest gift you can give to somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, ‘If you take care of me, I will take care of you.’ Now I say, ‘I will take care of me for you, if you take care of you for me.’”
Each relationship I’ve had has become a part of me. The love still exists, and the pain transforms into love when we allow it. The difficult truth is that when someone is hiding in fear or suffering in pain or rejecting our love, we have to allow them to do that.
We’re not here to fix each other or change each other. Sometimes the best choice is to let go and trust each of us to handle our own journey.
About Michelle D'Avella
Michelle D’Avella is an author, Breathwork teacher and mentor. Her memoir, The Bright Side of a Broken Heart is available here. Download her FREE guide to heal your heart and follow her on Instagram for daily doses of inspiration.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
“Now I say, ‘I will take care of me for you, if you take care of you for me.’”
Thank you, this is the best piece of advice!!
I’m only lately realizing that the flip side of me trying to fix my partner was me wanting him to fill the gaps and holes and loneliness in my life. My unhealthy need for him clashed with his time-management problems creating a vicious cycle of me feeling like if he just had more time for me–to fill my holes, to fill me up, I wouldn’t feel this way. As I let go of his issues and looked at how I could fill myself up and become less needy, he has chosen to work on his own issues for him, and is able to give love without feeling like it’s being poured into a bottomless pit of need (which scared him away, for sure!). When I feel needy, I’m learning how to cope with that feeling myself, and really be there for me.
Thanks for putting it so succinctly 🙂
This hit me hard and in the right place today. Thank you xo
Hi Michelle
I loved this post so much. Thank you for sharing your story and insights…they were great and I think this post will help a lot of people with an issue we are grapple with. It is so tempting to shift focus and try to get other people to change and avoid what is going on inside us.
It reminds me of a story I saw on the satirical news site ‘The Onion’ which was titled ‘You’re Not the Man I Hoped You Would Become After We Got Married’ or something along those lines.
Like you said, we can certainly play a role in helping other people change, but ultimately, we can only really change ourselves. By wanting others to act in a way that is more suitable for us, it is clear that there is something going on inside that we need to look at. That can be scary and uncomfortable. It could mean facing a variety of scary truths, such as our partner not being a good match and needing to let him go.
Great stuff!
Totally agree, Michelle. I see you call yourself a ‘fan of looking inward.’ Looking inward is a very important part of developing a loving relationship with yourself, which is the basis for strong relationships with compatible partners. Best wishes for your work.
Thanks, Jackie! I love that quote as well. The status quo of relationships is to find others to fulfill ourselves instead of attracting actual partners who support us on our own life path. Glad you and your partner were able to look within and discover what is right for each of you!
Hey Kelli! I think you nailed it when you said that facing the things inside of us can be scary and uncomfortable. For many people facing those things are so terrifying that we unconsciously do whatever we can to cling to the false sense of security. Letting go is deeply terrifying for so many of us. It points to the deeper impermanence of life. Thanks for your comment!
Thanks so much, Veronika. I agree. Looking inward is a constant practice for any evolving soul. 🙂
So glad!
yes, that’s exactly how I see the inner work, as a continuous participation in our own evolution. I’m excited reading you use almost the exactly same words!
🙂
This couldn’t have come at a more perfect moment of my life. I’m not sure if it could have been said any more eloquently. Thank you for your thoughts that mean a lot to me right now as I urge myself to make that “minuscule shift” and let go of what seems impossible to let go off but equally impossible to hold on to. Thank you.
This couldn’t have come at a better time! I needed to read this to confirm that letting go of an 8 year unhealthy relationship was because while I tried to change my partner, I myself got lost in the relationship. I’m still struggling with with the breakup, but am looking forward to new. change/development/attitude/love …in me! Thank you for the wisdom.
Yes, Michelle, I totally agree.
Beautiful + raw + oh so true.
We’ve got to focus on the only thing we can control…how we respond + make meaning of our life experience.
I’m right there with you.
So much love,
Denise
Great post! Thanks for sharing! Your story definitely resonated with me. It’s a lesson that I learned a year ago, but still struggle to implement.
I always find it ironic and contradictory when we talk about embracing ourselves and others and accepting ourselves and things as they are — but when it comes to difficult relationships, we need to let them go instead of going with the flow. I understand the meaning of it, but I always think it’s kind of contrary to what we’re trying to practice.
Wow! I have read this about 6 times in the last two days, it speaks to me so much, thank you. I recognize myself so much in your story. I see that trying to ‘help’ my past partners has always been about *MY* need for control. Question, now that I see it, what do I do about it? What did you do?
Hi Michelle,
Yes, we can’t change others. We might know this, but we definitely do not practice that on a daily basis. When it comes to someone close, we naturally want to change them to fit into what we feel comfortable with. As like many others, I have tried to change my ex partners and close friends, just because I felt my way is better and I want to be in control. It feels safe to be in control, but to be doing that turns everything in turmoil. It is not worth it.
Your post has really touched my heart. I just want to say thank you for sharing your experience and the insights of what you see in your life and what you learnt.
I need this answer so much. I’ve come to realize so much about myself in the past few days – not very much of it positive – and I have no idea where to even start with reconstructing a better, truer self.
“I had to walk away from the man who changed my life. Because I had loved
and been loved so deeply, the loss of that relationship left me in a deep depression.
For the first time in my life I didn’t really care about anything. But,
it turns out that letting go is one of the gorgeous gifts of life.” If you don’t mind me asking…what was it that caused you to walk away from the one person that showed you ‘unconditional love’ and made you realize your self worth & helped you to look within yourself for answers..??
“I had to walk away from the man who changed my life. Because I had loved
and been loved so deeply, the loss of that relationship left me in a deep depression.
For the first time in my life I didn’t really care about anything. But,
it turns out that letting go is one of the gorgeous gifts of life.” If you don’t mind me asking; what was it that caused you to walk away from the one person that gave you ‘unconditional acceptance’ and helped you to look within yourself for answers..??
“Something Jim Rohn also says is this, ‘The greatest gift you can give to
somebody is your own personal development.’ I used to say, ‘If you take
care of me, I will take care of you.’ Now I say, ‘I will take care of me
for you, if you take care of you for me.’ ” Thats beautiful…thank you for sharing your story! 🙂
Thank you, Michelle, for penning down this beautiful article. This may not be relevant but I used to read articles from another channel that focuses so much in changing others. I got so dried up inside that I decided to change that and stopped patronising that site. I have been a reader of Tiny Buddha for coming 5 years now and it is because of writers like yourself, I make the articles here a daily dose. So, thank you for writing and reminding readers, like myself, change is the only constant in the world. Let’s embrace it! 🙂
Michelle, the person that you described in this post was easily me 3 years ago. I was totally a captain save’em. I believe over extending myself to help others gave me my sense of self, importance, and the feeling of being needed; but boy it was draining. It was not until I recognized that I cared more about their wellbeing, than they did for themselves, was when I gave up on any effort to help. At the end of the day, I’ve realized that changing myself is a full-time job, much less to change anyone else.
Good Article. Thanks!
Thanks for sharing, Shawna. It’s soooo draining, and it also begs the contemplation around why we feel the need (or the right) to try to change others.
Thank you! I’m with you. 🙂
It’s a bit complicated, but he lost his mother in the very early stages of our relationship (and father the previous year) which was obviously very traumatic. He needed to be on his own to heal during this time in his life. We still share a lot of love and respect for one another.
Thank you, Jane. I’m so glad my words have resonated. We create so much suffering in trying to force others to change. It’s been a difficult lesson to learn, and one that I am always practicing.
Hi Talla! Please see my comment to Scottie above. Also, please give yourself compassion and love during this time. Seeing things within ourselves that we don’t like can be very difficult and sometimes we spiral into self-loathing. Please remember we ALL have things about ourselves that need to be worked on. We ALL have parts of ourselves we dislike, that we struggle with, that make us feel like we are less than. But there is also a part of ourselves that knows the truth: that we are whole, beautiful, full, amazing, just as we are.
Hey Ellie. I know what you mean. It can be a head trip. I actually had a falling out with a very close friend and this topic came up. He was treating me in a way that was unacceptable, meaning that I did not deserve it. After serious contemplation I decided to end the friendship. He was angry with me and told me that I was a hypocrite and not accepting him. But, I did accept him. I accepted that he was in a place where he was treating others poorly to avoid looking at himself. And while I accepted that, it didn’t mean that I needed to have him in my life. Acceptance and passivity are not the same thing.
Thank you, Denise. Much love!
Thank you, Fifi! So glad you were able to see the truth within yourself. Lots of love to you on your journey.
Katie- thank you so much. Sending love and peace to you during this time.
This is the best thing I’ve read all day, and call it perfect timing. The past few days this whole lesson has been on my mind and I’ve come to the realization that I have moved on and will continue to do so as long as that is what’s best for me. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Awesome! So glad to hear. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
I see…I’m sorry to hear that. If one is lucky enough to find someone who gives unconditional love & moreover, help FIND ONESELF…if that isn’t true love, I don’t know what is! :P. For what its worth, I hope you two find your ways back to each other soon! 🙂
Thank you. 🙂
after a year and two months of breaking up from a long relationship, I’m still in that place where the deep feelings of depression and loss take over from time to time( ok often).. it’s hard, but that’s where people like you come in and share their knowledge and experiences, wich feel reassuring. Theoretically I already “know” these kind of things but.. but it stays hard to really grasp and ‘be’ there you know.. I guess I need to keep hearing them. The constant search towards knowledge/enlightment/developement/spiritual growth keeps going.. and it feels good to read about this the way you wrote it. Thank you sincelery
You are so welcome. All my best to you in your time of healing. Try to focus on yourself and what is best for you in your new life and new partnerships. It’s easy to get lost in the other.
Another great article from Ms. D’Avella. I hope she writes a relationship book soon. I will buy and read it because she writes so cleanly and precisely, yet has a way of somehow tearing a corner off the darkness that is relationships, and pointing out the light of hope still there waiting to be seen. I am the world’s biggest love pessimist and like to joke, to friends, in fact, that I’m Atheist when it comes to good men: there has never been one, there is no proof one exists, and believing they exist may very well be a true mark of stupidity.
I’m not getting into any more relationships with men and would welcome an article here on Tiny Buddha about changing one’s sexual orientation, as I think I’d be able to be myself more in a lesbian relationship – from my clothing and voice to my walk, mannerisms, way of loving, and career – but D’Avella’s articles never seem to fail to make me feel at least a bit more positive about relationships in general. If she can put a master cynic like me in a better mood, this lady definitely needs a book deal.
Up above, she says her significant other’s mom passed away and she wisely perceived he needed time and space to deal with that.
I think also however what did it was that she knows herself, her soul on some level was saying no, and her heart and head simply possessed enough common sense to hear it. Knowing your core self, your core essence, and your core dealbreakers in life is absolutely vital for survival. Once you know exactly who you are, what you will accept, and what will never work for you, saying no to a man and walking away from him becomes easy.
The hard work is bringing yourself to that point where you love yourself so much you refuse to talk yourself out of what you hear your soul saying, and you would sooner honor that soul than continue invalidating it – no matter what goodies “the frame” this man offers you. It’s a decision to make the picture more important than the frame, as ACIM puts it.
When your soul notices the picture is substandard, and announces it, self-love is paying attention to that information then acting upon it immediately, without question, without “but I love him”, or (my own particular self-lie, lol) “but he has such beautiful eyes and if I persist, and hang in there, and suffer it out, I’ll be the first unique and amazing female snowflake to keep the love of a closeted but obviously gay man, gay men will lose this particular good-looking, beautiful-eyed specimen, and women at last at least in one case, finally, win! Yay!” I reached the point where “winning” the sexually duplicitous and unstable cute boy became less important to me than honoring my soul and hearing it say, “This hurts. It’s not worth it.”
I may be wrong, but I think what caused the author to walk away is she made a similar realization. No matter what “extras” this man may offer, that other women will admire and brag about, at his intrinsic core he does not meet the standards HER SOUL REQUIRES, to be LOVED.
And so she walked away, and, trust me, she will live happily ever after.
when you try to change others you are saying to them “I don’t have faith in you”,you are counterproductive,crushing their spirit and you are doing it not for them,you are doing it for you and that is not love.Just because someone is not ambitious(rich) and says a lot but no actions yet that doesn’t make him a bad partner,it would be refreshing if for once women would actually talk and encourage partner or other people and see all the effort they are doing,no matter how small they are.