How Accepting Your Pain Can Help You Heal

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

My partner, Ruth, and I were not happy.

The inside of her mouth was covered in sores, she couldn’t swallow well, and she was exhausted. The chemotherapy was ravaging her body. Something had to be done.

When her oncologist, Dr. Patel, came into the room, he perched on his little rolling stool and looked up at her Ruth where she sat on the exam table with her legs dangling.

She railed against the chemotherapy and what it was doing to her. I seconded her sentiments silently with frequent nods and frowns.

After some time, Ruth finished her diatribe and crossed her arms, daring Dr. Patel to fix this invasion into the very lifeline of her system.

His expression had never changed during her speech. He looked at her intently, listening carefully, but his eyes were soft with care and concern. Now those eyes looked deeply into hers.

“Ruth, don’t resist. Don’t resist the chemotherapy. Allow each drop to enter your body in a healing way and do its work. Resistance does not help you; it only saps your energy. In your treatment, in your work, in all places in your life—don’t resist. Go with whatever comes rather than struggling against it.”

Ruth and I looked at each other and then back at Dr. Patel.

Don’t resist?

Hadn’t we been told to fight this cancer? Weren’t we encouraged to imagine little SWAT teams inside her body waging an assault on her wayward cells? Now this little Hindu doctor with the kind eyes and mischievous smile was telling us not to resist?

I had never, even for a moment, thought about this concept. Oh, I knew about “letting go” because I’m a therapist, after all, and we know about these things.

But it had not crossed my mind to do anything except fight this illness that was threatening my beloved Ruth and the treatment that was making her miserable.

Now, as if in a movie where everything suddenly goes into slow motion, the moment after Dr. Patel finished speaking, my thinking began to expand.

I could see how this gentle “don’t resist” directive could benefit us during Ruth’s journey with cancer, but it could also benefit me as I struggled with my own demons of insecurity and self-doubt.

And at work where I let small problems affect me in a big way.

And with my family when I grew impatient with them and . . . the ramifications of this little idea were enormous.

I looked over at Ruth and could see the moment she got it, too. Her head cocked slightly to the side and her body relaxed. A slight smile replaced her angry countenance of the moment before.

“Yes, yes, I think I see what you mean,” she said quietly, as though part of her was still chewing on the concept.

Later, as we drove home, we talked about it.

“When I think about it, it makes perfect sense!” Ruth said with excitement in her voice.

“I keep resisting things as they come up and I don’t have to do that. I can go with the flow instead. Maybe this cancer thing has something to teach us, Pwum,” she said, using the familiar, funny little nickname we had for each other.

Now as we drove home from the cancer center, I could see how the simple phrase, “Don’t resist” was going to form a strong foundation for us.

“This is going to be really important for us, Pwum,” I mused.

“I think this just might change our lives.”

Letting Disassembly Happen

It did change our lives.

When cancer first made its shattering appearance, we tried very hard to hold everything together, to keep the pieces of our lives in place.

But now, with Dr. Patel’s simple advice, we let a kind of disassembly happen. Instead of being frightened of her treatment, we approached it with curiosity.

Rather than fighting and flailing about the side effects, including the loss of her spectacular silver hair, Ruth engaged her greatest weapon of non-resistance: her humor.

Besides resting at home and tending to our herd of cats, Ruth loved to get out and socialize. She attended a potluck at my workplace and was inundated by my staff members who knew her and loved her.

How was she feeling? What could they do to help?

One of my new employees who hadn’t met Ruth before introduced herself. And then, feeling a little awkward about discussing cancer, she asked hurriedly, “How are you? What are you doing?”

Ruth smiled and shrugged her shoulders, “Oh, well, you know. It’s just me and six cats sitting at home shedding.”

Learning to Not Resist

So how do you develop a practice of non-resistance? Here are some ideas to get you started.

1. Notice when you’re resisting.

If Ruth and I had been more aware of resisting before Dr. Patel pointed it out to us, we would have noticed the following signs of resistance:

• Anger
• Frustration
• Feelings of tension in the body
• The insistence that things around us must change

What are your own symptoms of resistance?

Look for physical sensations such as:

• Tightness in the stomach, chest, or shoulders
• Shallow breathing
• Clenching your fists
• Headaches and/or stomach aches

Notice these kinds of thoughts:

• “This should not be happening to me.”
• “This is unfair.”
• “I hate this so much, it has to stop.”
• “Life isn’t supposed to be like this.”

Become aware of behaviors like these:

• Avoiding the source of your discomfort
• Lashing out at others in anger
• Becoming easily frustrated
• Isolating or avoiding talking about what’s bothering you
• Talking constantly about what’s bothering you

2. Allow some disassembly.

We are made up of a wonderful compilation of thoughts, feelings, experiences, and beliefs about ourselves and the world.

However, sometimes we cling so hard to this compilation that it’s hard for us to do something different when we need to make a change.

You’ve seen the phrase “some assembly required” on toys and furniture boxes.

Now adopt for yourself the expression, “Some disassembly required.”

Be open to letting yourself fall apart a bit.

You don’t have to stay disassembled forever, but as you put yourself back together, try some new ways of being, feeling, and thinking.

Try going with the flow of events in your life rather than against them.

3. Use a variety of coping skills that are non-resisting.

As I mentioned above, Ruth employed her very dry, quick sense of humor whenever she could to help her go where cancer brought her rather than struggling to get to another place.

Look for coping skills that are helpful to you and non-resisting as well such as:

• Humor, including several daily rounds of gut-busting laughter
• Mindfulness
• Meditation, especially self-compassion and loving-kindness meditations
• Surrounding yourself with loving friends who understand and support you on your path of non-resistance
• Committing acts of kindness for other people
• Noting what you are grateful for at least once a week
• Savoring the everyday, tiny moments of grace in your life

I wish you much disassembly and non-resistance as you go about the journey of your days.

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