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What It Means to Really Take Care of Yourself

“Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.” ~Max Ehrmann

Last year I realized that I lived twenty-eight years without knowing what it really means to love and take care of myself.

In 2010, I took some wonderful, worldly trips—Costa Rica, Bangkok, Taipei—trekking and exploring.

My husband and I bought a second home. I fully engaged myself in the improvements and the creativity of decorating a fresh canvas.

I ran several races, including a half-marathon, and finished well. I joined a swanky health and fitness club where I could take trendy aerobic classes. I was “taking good care of myself.”

Life was good. I worked hard, I played hard. The end. That was the story I projected.

But it was hardly that simple or fabulous.

There was a whole lot of turbulence in my life that I was trying to fix externally.

My grandma—who became the closest female in my life after my mom passed away—moved back to Taiwan after living in the states for twenty-five years. Instead of sitting with the hurt, acknowledging how I felt, I planned a trip.

I reasoned with myself, “No worries, I’ll visit her in Taiwan in a few months.” I booked a flight and put a band-aid on the fact that my grandma would no longer be thirty miles from me but, instead, over 7,000 miles away.

My baby sister, who opened my heart more than I ever thought was possible, left for China. Due to financial hardship, my parents had decided that it’d be better for her to live there with her grandparents for a few years.

I fought it at first but then subdued my feelings by validating that this was the right thing to do. I remember waving goodbye to her from the taxi with this creeping feeling of sadness and then just stuffing it away.

While traveling overseas, I became pregnant and felt so much joy. My heart grew ten times bigger. It was that same bliss and expansion I experienced with my baby sister. After seven weeks, we learned that there was no heartbeat and we’d lose the little bean to the universe.

I remember feeling overwhelmed by grief for a few days and then bounced back as quickly as I could. I was back at the gym, running full speed a few short days after my surgery.

A few days later, I became very busy trying to lease out our current home and move into the new one. I remember my mother-in-law expressing sincere concern for me. She said, “Cat, I don’t mean to be hard on you, but you’re doing too much.”

I remember becoming very irritated and defensive. I responded, “Don’t worry about me. I know it seems like I’m always doing things, but I really do take good care of myself.”

After all, I worked out six days a week. I ate healthy meals. I drank sixty-four ounces of water daily. I had girl lunches. I had weekly date nights. I scheduled massages when I was stressed. And, on most nights I even slept a minimum of six hours.

I took good care of myself—on the outside.

On the inside, I buried vulnerability. I played the resilience card. I sought out quick-fixes. And I convinced myself I was okay.

I wasn’t taking care of myself emotionally. Unconsciously, I placed “I’ll deal with it later” labels on several situations when they’d trickled into my life unplanned.

Somewhere along the overachieving path of seeking perfection and always looking into the future, I lost myself when these labels accumulated.

I managed to forget how to take care of my inner world.

After neglecting what was really going on in my life, I ended up in a curled up ball in our bedroom corner, head buried in my knees, feeling a heavy amount of pain all at once.

Humans are amazing, though; we adapt, we heal, we are capable of growing stronger.

When we acknowledge that changes, challenges, and hardships are there to deepen us, to remind us that we do get second chances, and that we are each made up of love, compassion, and healing, something remarkable happens.

With this new awareness, I ended 2010 with the promise to live differently.

I made a decision to wake up each day, wholly, by connecting to who I am—to nurture myself from the inside out, to be with life instead of delay it—and, in turn, my days started to become more inviting again.

This year:

I traveled to connect instead of using it as an escape.

I became a morning person and started each day with ample time for writing, reading, and practicing yoga instead of rushing into the office, fighting traffic, and always feeling behind.

I found peace by journaling and peeling back layers to heal the hurt that was buried beneath instead of pushing them away.

I started acknowledging my accomplishments and mini-successes and celebrated with small rewards instead of rushing to the next best thing.

I slowed down, simplified tasks, reduced my online time, and committed to less instead of doing, moving, and achieving simply for the sake of it.

I felt. I embraced the sadness I’d been carrying with me and leaned into my fears instead of placing a patch on them.

I listened to my body. I became a vegetarian and practiced mindful eating instead of counting calories and agonizing over whether or not I consumed too many carbs.

I chose to let go of the stories I kept replaying about the past and the worries I created for the future instead of clinging onto fear and anxiety.

I practiced saying no to the commitments that didn’t serve my values instead of saying yes to everything and shorting myself with each added responsibility.

I created sanctuaries—weekly time for me to relax and just be—instead of waiting for burn out before replenishing.

I followed my intuition and listened to myself in meditation instead of thinking and overanalyzing to the point of exhaustion.

I asked myself questions and allowed it to be okay that I didn’t have the answers right away instead of being hard on myself for not knowing.

I began fully acknowledging the present in its entirety—every aspect, including the playful, joyful moments, and the uncomfortable, challenging ones.

Suddenly, the world took on a different appearance—a kinder, more meaningful, more abundant and compassionate glow.

When we take the time to re-connect with ourselves, replace our fears with trust, and learn to let go of the things we cannot control, this is taking care.

When we listen to our intuition, embrace all of our imperfections, and stay authentic to who we are, this is taking care.

When we ground ourselves in the present and make mental space to find clarity, this is taking care.

When we discover our interior barriers and find courage to dissolve them, this is taking care.

When we learn to be gentle with ourselves, this is truly taking care.

When is the last time you acknowledged the feelings that are asking for your attention? How do you take care of yourself from the inside out so that you can fully experience life?

About Cat Li Stevenson

Cat is an explorer of the human journey and a lover of well-being. She is living and practicing at an urban Zen Center in San Francisco, and working for Wisdom 2.0, an organization that strives to bring wisdom and awareness into the digital age. You can add her as a friend on FB or find her writing on Medium.

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John Sherry

A gentle nudge to honour ourself Cat Li, bless you. So very, very true that we are far too obsessed with the outer world of assets, and finances, and having and doing, and not with the inner world which takes the brunt of this hectic pressure and strain. In truth it should be an inner world we project out – boy would that heal the planet? You have wisely injected an awareness in me to be kind, supportive, loving, and tender with my ‘insides’ where my heart and soul require good care from now on so that life becomes balanced and I remain more likely to stay truly contented and in ruder health. Be true, be you!

[…] of yourself as a Victim, you filter all that happens to you through that lens. That’s why the self talk you adopt is so important: it exerts a powerful influence on your life direction. Positively […]

Karen Beth Martin

LOVE this… so true and so timely. Thanks, Cat!!

Kim Heaslip

Wow, this is exactly what I need…I am saving this as well as leaving a photocopy of it on my night table as a constant reminder!! Thanks so much!!

Alannah Rose

I was just talking about this with my hair dresser this weekend. She said when her mother died, she “bounced back” in a short time and never really dealt with it. Much later down the road, the pain came all at once and completely disabled her. I have never had that experience but I can only imagine how it would feel to have to suddenly process all of the bad feelings that had been pushed away for weeks, months or years.

This is such a great reminder to stop and take care of ourselves in every way possible, and deal with things as they appear in our paths (as well as we’re able to, anyway). Being gentle with ourselves is truly key as well. The world is hard enough on us as it is!

Thank you, Cat Li!

bluebird

Cat, Thanks for sharing such a personal story. I felt connected to some situations and feelings. It’s certainly never too late to have a deep breathe and look inside at what it really makes us unique!

Cat Li Stevenson

John~ What a beautiful message. Yes, yes, yes: Honor Ourselves and Be True! In a world that projects so many external distractions, it can be easy to forget check-in on the inside. I think we all need a reminder every once in awhile.

Thank you for sharing such a wonderful comment 🙂

Warmly,

~Cat

Anonymous

There’s a lot of great wisdom in here, about investing yourself through being instead of doing. Lovely! Thanks for this!

Cat Li Stevenson

Alannah~ I can certainly relate to your hairdresser. I’ve learned, the hard way, that there’s a fine line between being resilient versus being true to what you may be feeling.

I agree that we have a tremendous amount of pressure from the fast paced world, and we must remember to take care of ourselves first.

Blessings to you and your hairdresser 🙂

~Cat

Cat Li Stevenson

Kim~ So glad that this resonated with you. And honored that these words will be by your bedside 🙂

Love to you,

~Cat

Cat Li Stevenson

Karen~ Always grateful for your support. Happy this is so timely for you 🙂

Thank YOU!

~Cat

Maya Saputra

Hello Cat 🙂 your way to deal with your problem sounds exactly like mine. I always put my emotion & that tiny voice in my heart aside, because I always think that I have to be strong (I don’t like people to see me as weak). I look fine and cheerful from outside, but I still grief over my problem when I get to spend time alone.

I was just finished talking to my friend before I got to read this article, and she was actually advising to be gentle on myself and no more blaming myself 🙂
I guess I have to start to put these great suggestions & advices into practice now 🙂

Michelle

simply beautiful. Thank you for your wisdom <3

Cat Li Stevenson

Maya~ I’m glad you can relate 🙂 Sometimes it seems that being tough or strong is the answer. At times, it can be. And at other times, it hurts us.

The self-awareness that you have to be gentler and kinder is huge (!!). It seems that’s where it begins–when we acknowledge that we can be much more loving to ourselves.

Lots of love to you on your journey,

~Cat

Cat Li Stevenson

Ariella~ Cheers to more being and less doing 🙂

~Cat

Cat Li Stevenson

Bluebird~ My heart is still pounding from sharing such personal stuff.

To read that you (and others) feel connected, to some degree, makes it all worth it. Yes, look inside, breathe, acknowledge, and stay true to you 🙂

Love,

~Cat

Leigh Harris

Thank you for an inspirational check on what is important in life. As we strive to be our best and do our best, it is important to remember that our best is what happens now. We can still strive, but recognize that our soul needs nurturing in the present moment as well.

[…] encourage you to read the blog yourself as I am sure it may help you as it did […]

Tia

This gave me a lot to think about, thanks.

Nina

About the quote:I wonder if it is really from Max Ehrmann. My mother has a calligraphy – made by my great uncle some 20 years ago- stating it is written by ‘unknown’, and the piece was found in St Pauls church a looooooong time ago. It is the first time I heard his name but I find it in google now many times. The whole poem is gorgeous, and I know the ending as; ‘In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be’. That is such a progressive statement!
Hmm I wonder how to find out the true origin!

Nina
Anncnguyen

There’s no pinning this butterfly down. I love you bff.

Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

kara rane

hi Cat~
Lucky to be YOU!

Qnbee53

I was so incredibly touched by this article & it really resonated with me personally especially with some recent major life events, thank you!

Miss Britt

“I started acknowledging my accomplishments and mini-successes and celebrated with small rewards, instead of rushing to the next best thing.”

I really need to work on this one especially.

Ommanipadmeombtv

Cat i love this writing. I am so there. I liked the idea of letting go of stories. A few more things I would add to this:
One needs to put energy out to get energy back. For example I now do T’ai Chi every day, and twice if my energy feels low.
Also I myself in nature as often as I can, as it is there in Mother Nature’s Bosom that I feel a great sense of oneness.
I enjoy volunteering, I feel bigger knowing I really am connected.
and finally making my time with friends and family count by making the time meaningful.
Peace,
Judi

wendy miyake

Cat,
I was so moved by your story. You are so young yet the challenges you faced must be growing a warrior within you. I am so inspired by your realization that you need to allow yourself to feel what you feel. As one of my friends always tells me, “You don’t get over it, you go through it.” We always feel like we have to hold everything together but I think there’s a purpose for these difficult moments in our lives. Your ability to stay present with all that has happened to you, inspires us all to exhale and sit with our feelings. Thank you so much for your article.

Thomas, Jr.

You’re terrific Cat. Great, great article. You are a gift to others, and your sharing to help others shows how selfless you are.
Elisha and I cherish your friendship.

[…] I’ve been wanting to connect with you, my readers, on a more personal level. To give back. To help you take care of yourself. […]

Laura

This really speaks me at this moment in time… thank you so much for sharing, Cat, what a beautiful article.

Carolyn

Hi Cat – thanks for sharing. What great insight you have discovered in your personal journey. I look forward to incorporating some of your suggestions into my current chaotic life so I can care for myself in a deeper more meaningful way. Carolyn

Cat Li Stevenson

BFF~ love you back lots 🙂

Cat Li Stevenson

Carolyn~ When we’re busy, it’s easy to live in default mode. We forget to take care of ourselves because there are so many distractions and our constant movement can take us away from self-love. Wishing you lots of peace and time to slow down. Grateful for your comment 🙂

Thank you,

~Cat

Cat Li Stevenson

Miss Britt~ This is a big one I’m still working on too. I became aware that I love to accomplish things and check them off of an invisible list…”Done. Onto the next!” I realized, though, when we operate this way we will spend our entire lives chasing…and I wonder when will it ever be enough?

This moment is good enough, and I think one of the greatest acts of self-compassion is to celebrate our accomplishments, large and small.

Cheers to you :),

~Cat

Cat Li Stevenson

Qnbee53~ So glad this may have helped put some of your life events in perspective 🙂 Empowering to know we are never alone in how we feel.

Best wishes & <3,

~Cat

Cat Li Stevenson

Hi Kara~ Yes, life is really, really good when we choose to see it that way 🙂

Cat Li Stevenson

Hi Leigh~ You’re so right. Pursuit and presence can go hand in hand…it’s taken me some time to adjust to this (still working on it every day), but realize that thus moment is all we really have. You’re always so wonderful 🙂

Grateful,

~Cat

Cat Li Stevenson

Wendy~ That’s a very kind comment and perspective. I woke up to it this AM & just sat with it.

When these challenges enter our lives, I think the only way we can ever be whole is by leaning into the discomfort with the belief there’s something bigger (than ourselves) guiding the way. As you may remember from your post and my comment, vulnerability is such a new concept for me, but one that’s made all the difference–freeing and followed by clarity.

Very grateful for your words, as I feel a connection with your writing & perspective 🙂

Love,

~Cat

Cat Li Stevenson

Judi~ I’ve heard so many amazing things about Tai Chi. I’d love to try It sometime.

Thanks for sharing such great ideas.

Love to you 🙂

~Cat

Cat Li Stevenson

Thomas~ Thanks for stopping by. I always appreciate your big heart. You and Elisha are a blessing in our lives 🙂

Love you guys,

~Cat

Cat Li Stevenson

Laura~ I’m so happy the article meets you where you’re at. The universe is awesome like that 🙂

Best to you,

~Cat

Cat Li Stevenson

Nina~ I love that:
‘In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be’.
Yes, what beautiful and progressive words…

Happy Friday to you!

~Cat

Decogirl73

Hi, I am going through a situation in my life now. I divorced my husband of 4 years (10 years of a relationship total) back in Fall of 2008. I never really had a true greiving process. I became involved not long after in another relationship with very intense emotions. I thought that this was my second chance at love and hopefully marriage. But that ended late last year because he broke things off. I was devastated…I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. I am still working through losing this last love, on top of these feelings resurfacing about by divorce now. I certainly have moments that I wonder if I am going crazy in my head. I need to nuture my heart and soul back to health, and this post is reminding me how to do that. Thank you so much!
Amy

Cat Li Stevenson

Amy~ Thanks for sharing such a personal story with us.

I can imagine the heartache you’ve been going through. I certainly believe that there is someone special out there for each of us. I think that when we begin to love and nurture ourselves first–and become whole from the inside out–that amazing person will show-up then.

We all have moments where we feel like we’re going crazy (at least I do)–each of us have challenges, just different versions of it. I do believe that hardships give us a chance to deepen our compassion, heal, and find more strength on the other side.

With your self-awareness and commitment, I know you’ll find love again 🙂

Hang in there.

Love,

~Cat

Leslie Carrero

This was a beautiful piece, so well written..it truly resonated with my life at this time and how I need to make changes….thank you!

Cat Li Stevenson

Leslie~ Thanks for the kind words. I’m so glad you can relate 🙂

Kim Heaslip

You might like the book by Gabor Mate “When the Body Says No–The Cost of Hidden Stress”–the link between emotions and disease–very thought provoking. I am impressed how you respond to everyone! In the anonymous world of Internet, it is a very ‘grounding’ touch that makes each person feel special…you obviously practice what you preach!!! This is favourite FB site that I follow! <3

na

lovely

Eldereaze

Cat, 2011 has been my year of self discovery and care as well: ) I loved your article – it touched me completely and reaffirmed the need to take care of the inside — I lived 25 years without knowing these things and living for others. I am much happier knowing ME! Thank you, Terry