“Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it.” ~Eckhart Tolle
Two years ago, reading this quote, I would smirk and think, “What a cliché.”
In the last two years, I would read this quote and be in utter disbelief that anything can be learned when one is in the depths of hell.
Today, I read this quote and resonate confidently, that yes, even though I tried to end my life, even though I had to quit a high paying job, even though I still suffer from major depression, good has come out of my negative experience, and I have learned the lesson to take care of myself and listen to my body, albeit the hard way.
Around November 2009, my doctor said to me, “Noch, I think you are burned out. Your migraines are most probably due to stress. Please go see a psychologist.”
My fiancé dragged a reluctant me into the shrink’s office, and I came out, diagnosed with major depression. I had no idea what it meant or what would become of me. I just felt extremely unmotivated, had no appetite, only had negative thoughts in my little head, and was excruciatingly tired of life.
I was immensely frustrated with myself. I didn’t know why I was depressed, or burned out. I thought I had it all: the executive job, high on the corporate ladder at the young age of twenty-eight.
I spoke a few languages, lived all around the world, had a man who loved me for who I was, had my few soul mates and a wide network of friends. So what happened to me?
Indeed, I felt really ungrateful to be sick at all.
All the people who passed me everyday in the misty smog of Beijing seemed to live much harder lives, scraping by the wayside. So, who was I to be unhappy about my life? I had no answer. And the more I thought about it, the more I got caught in my web of negative thoughts and unreasonable reasoning of life.
I closed myself off from the rest of the world and disappeared off the social radar. I was forced to take medical leave from work, being physically unable to do any work or concentrate.
The few close friends who knew of my plight tried to console me.
“It’s a challenge and test, to make you stronger,” they’d say. They gave me examples of all these great leaders of the world who had to go through trials and tribulations to get to where they were. There was something in store for me, and it would end up a positive life changing experience, they reassured me.
But I could not agree with anything they said. I could not see beyond that dark tunnel of despair. I found no meaning in life.
I tried to end my own life a few times. Each time my fiancé stopped me or saved me in time.
This lasted for some nine months. I stopped caring how I looked or dressed. I spent each day in bed or on the beanbag in the living room. I was too aloof to even watch TV or read a book.
I was amused by the irony that when I was so busy with work, all I wanted was time to lie around to watch TV or read; yet when I did have the time, I had no energy or interest.
Somehow, a little spark went off in my head one day, and I decided to write my own blog. Perhaps it was after reading too many articles in the blogosphere on depression, or how to live a better life that I got such inspiration. So, I started writing and rambling.
I fleshed out my negative thoughts, amidst pain and crying as I recounted the days and livid emotions in those none months of my worst days of major depression. I searched within my soul.
I asked myself again those fundamental questions on what I wanted in life, what would make me happy, and what my passions were.
Through my self-reflection and writing, I finally learned, painstakingly, in no particular order:
1. Don’t ignore warning signals in your body. Frequent petty colds, stomach aches, and headaches may all be a sign of stress.
2. There is no need to be strong all the time, and even less of a need to maintain an image of strength in front of others.
3. Achievements and titles mean nothing if they’re not something you’re passionate about.
4. Creativity is therapeutic, and it’s in everyone, just sometimes suppressed.
5. We need to matter the most to ourselves—over any job promotion, meeting, excel spreadsheet.
6. Not replying to emails immediately is not the end of the world.
7. We all need spare time for ourselves—time for solitude and reflection.
8. It doesn’t matter what everybody else thinks, if we know in our hearts something isn’t right.
9. Most petty worries aren’t serious. So save some energy.
10. Everything will be okay in time.
11. Health is the most important thing in the world.
12. Sometimes it’s best to stop doing so many things, and instead spend more time enjoying what we have.
13. There is no point in being afraid of the uncertainty because it doesn’t change that the future is uncertain. Leap.
14. We don’t have to worry about being a disappointment to anyone, because we do not need to live according to anyone else’s expectations of us.
15. We will all hurt. Embrace the pain, and know that suffering is a choice.
Depression was a loud wake up call for me. It taught me to stop sprinting toward the vanity of titles, money, and achievements with a muddled vision. It was a signal that something was wrong in my life and change was needed. It took getting close to death for me to fully appreciate the value of every breath.
I do not purport to have learned everything there is to learn about adversity. Yet, my mind has opened to welcoming experiences that might seem negative, now and in years to come.
Whatever befalls, positive or negative, embrace it with open arms, experience it, and learn from it.
Today, I am still recovering from depression, but I’m learning to free myself from the traps of negative thinking, and establishing new habits for a new life.
So I say thank you sickness. Thank you depression. Thank you adversity.
We’ve all had our fair shares of struggles, and we’ll all have more—which means we’ll have new opportunities to learn, grow, and share it.
What are some of the wisdom you’ve reaped in your challenging times?
Photo by hang_in_there
About Noch Noch
Noch Noch traveled the world as an international executive for seven years. After an episode of stress-related major depression and other illnesses two years ago, she is redefining her priorities. She is now on a quest for clarity and self-awareness, jotting down her reflections at "Be Me. Be Natural."
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I read a really good article title “How Will You Measure Your Life”, which was a speech given to Harvard MBA grads. It had a bunch of good information about 3., valuing titles over family.
With regard to 6., I recently turned of all email notifications on my phone and the popup messages on my computer. This has allowed me to check email between tasks rather than being interrupted by email. I’ve found it immensely productive (in combination with Pomodoro) and you’re right, it’s not the end of the world if you reply an hour later.
Thanks for the additional information,
This is a great article and it is so true. We can all learn from our challenges. I have been struggling with anorexia for 14 years, being close to death more than once. What I learned in those 14 horrible years? I am stronger than I think and, despite major phases of depression, I held on to live with shear power of my will. Recovery has brought me closer to myself. I have learned so much about me in the last year. Recovery made it possible for me to transform in ways that I could have never imagined. I have learned to trust myself and to let go.
Hi Anne-Sophie
How encouraging!!! It’s exactly that! “trust myself and to let go”
Sometimes I thik it was fear that made me such a control freak
thanks for sharing your experience here!!!Noch Noch
Hi SL – I just googled that speech to Harvard MBA grads. Englightening! Thanks for mentioning it!
Hope you are wellNoch Noch
Hi Noch Noch,
Ah your experience reminds me of my own struggles with depression. I remember being aloof and cut off from the world. I remember being totally unmotivated to do anything. I never quite reached the point of wanting to kill myself, but every single day was a waking hell. I just didn’t care or have anything to live for. You’re lucky for having your fiance by your side. I had to find my answers on my own.
I used to be a very toxic person, spreading gloom and doom to all my friends. But over the years, I cut myself off socially like you did. I also stopped talking about my problems because I realized it changed nothing. Today, I have learned to focus on the solutions instead of the problems. I may not be a cheerful Care Bear like Tenderheart Bear, but I am certainly not Grumpy Bear. Maybe I am Zen Bear? Haha!
I agree with your 15 lessons, but yeah, I also learned many lessons from my pain and depression. The only reason I experienced pain and depression was because I had not fully learned the lessons. Thus, I had to have remedial lessons from life. The key lesson was mastering my emotions.
Another important lesson was creating meaning in my life. It’s amazing how much you can learn from a fellow Aries. Viktor Frankl, the holocaust survivor and psychotherapist, taught me about meaning in life from his book Man’s Search for Meaning. Since I am an INFJ, I can never live for material gains or for myself. It is totally unmotivating to me. I have to live to protect someone, for that special someone. Since this is the way I am, there is no point fighting it. I just have to go with the flow.
In the end, it is not just one thing that enabled me to deal with my pain and depression but a combination of things. It is not just one approach, but a combination of approaches. I know why I must do what I must do and I know how to do it. The rest, I leave in the hands of the Universe.
Thank you for sharing this lovely article! 🙂
Irving the Vizier
Hi Irving
Good to connect with you here and thanks for sharing your story here too. Sorry about your experience in depression too 🙁
It’s not fun
But like you say, we have our lessons learnt. Sounds like you’ve also gained more self awareness through this incident and found your own solutions to your issues!
Take care
Noch Noch
My heart goes out to you. I received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder (manic depression) many years ago and have experienced painful bouts of depression and mania.
I feel I’m in the midst of caregiver burnout right now and I spend a lot of time trying to escape those uncomfortable feelings.
I read this yesterday (from the Tricycle website) and have been reading it over and over:
(by Douglas Phillips)Our practice is to meet life exactly as it is and to notice whatever fear, anger, or doubt gets in the way of direct intimate contact with this moment, bringing attention to that as well. Rather than changing something or seeking to get somewhere we imagine we should be, practice is about seeing clearly exactly how things really are and how we relate to them. Practice thus becomes an increasing intimacy with life just as it is, and there is nothing—including the ideas that we should be getting something or somewhere—that is unworthy of the clear, nonjudgmental attention we call mindfulness. ********I often feel guilty when depressed because I “shouldn’t” be. I’m learning to be gentle with myself and sit with the feelings in a nonjudgmental fashion. You’re right – suffering is a choice. I practice allowing everything to be as it is and experience it all in beautiful moments.Love to you,Grace
Dear Vizier,
I’m sitting on my couch, relating SO much to what you wrote. Nothing in life seems to bring me joy anymore and I find myself cutting off ties with those whom I am closest to, (family and friends). What I would really love to know is how do you learn to master your emotions? I have tried various therapists but haven’t figured it out yet! 🙁 Also, what is INFJ??
I remember being so stressed at work a few years ago and one day I just started crying and couldn’t stop. Evaluating my behavior I realized I was slipping into depression and decided to quit the job before it really started to affect my loved ones. When I tendered my resignation my boss thought I was ungrateful. That just reinforced my decision and made me realize that nothing is more important than taking care of myself and my well being. Everything is a process and sometimes we just have to let ourselves immerse in that period of negative feelings, but give ourselves a deadline to come out of it.
Thank you Noch Noch!
What has helped me is finding a talented therapist (yay!) and following the path of mindfulness. One meditation has been particularly powerful for me. It comes from a Zen teacher named Cheri Huber:
“Today you live each moment. You know nothing. So there is nothing to keep straight in your head. Since there’s nothing you should know there is no possibility that you should have known better. You believe nothing, so everything is possible. You’re not holding onto anything, so you’re available for the ‘anything’ that CAN happen. You are present, open, and spontaneous, able to go with any twist or turn of life. Your mind is fresh and supremely creative because it is not limited by preconceptions. You are not worried, anxious or afraid since you hold no beliefs that there are situations you won’t be able to handle, and your EXPERIENCE is that you have always been equal to life. You are at ease and comfortable because that is the natural state of your body, emotions, and mind, and you have no reason to be otherwise.”
I have printed this out and re-read it often whenever I feel the need. Thank you Noch for your wonderful article!
Your post resonates so much within me. I, too, have had major depression as part of my life and the most important thing it has given me is meditation. Without being depressed, I never would have looked for ways of trying to get better. And since I started meditating and let go of a lot of sadness in my life, it has been a gift beyond just getting better. It has given me so much more than that. So thank you, depression. And thank you, Noch for sharing your words with me.
Thank you for writing this article, I really needed to hear these words today: “We don’t have to worry about being a disappointment to anyone, because we do not need to live according to anyone else’s expectations of us”. Thank you again!
What a wonderful article. I can relate on so many levels, and ‘pulling yourself out of it’ is not easy, so Way to go! Thank you for sharing your experiences!
I recommend the book “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle.
Hi Noch Noch, great blog post. I can relate to suffering from depression. I have my entire life. Based on my genetics/environment. In the past year I finally learned to manage it. Yoga/meditaton quiets my mind. Also and most importantly I journal every morning. I call it a brain dump because at times it feels like rambling but it’s actually freeing.
I also agree with Vizier it’s a combination of things but it’s essential that you take care of your mind-body-spirit on a daily basis. Like Vizier I learned most of my lessons by life experience and on my own. Focussing on the solution instead of the perceived problem is highly effective. But I’ve taken it a step further and don’t judge it. I simply ask “what am I supposed to learn from this?”
I hope this helps.
What a beautiful blog! Thank for sharing your story. I can totally relate to this.
It takes hitting bottom sometimes before we realize how much we have and how much life is worth living for. I have such a different outlook on life than I did a year ago. Taking time for yourself, truly is so key.
Most importantly, I found that it’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to admit your not really as strong as you want everyone to think. You are HUMAN! You are YOU and that’s OK!
What got me on the path of master of my emotions, if you will, was by not reliving the past hurt and just seeing it. My learning to do that, I slowly began to realize that I could be this way now. Why wait for things to happen and then figure out how to release the pain? Why not learn dispassion AND compassion toward my own self? Namaste.
I actually got through my depression with a change in diet & loving kindness meditations. Compassion for others – even those who hurt you – can make a huge difference in your life. I’m actually also an INFJ ,which I have been told is only 3% of the population. To answer your question, its a personality type.
I actually came from a pretty materialistic family & area where I grew up, so I am also able to have material wealth = happiness for me. Honestly the most rewarding thing I can think of in my life is being the best wife and mother I know how to be. Seeing the joy it brings my daughter and husband makes me happier than money or “stuff” ever has.
this is lovely. Thank you 🙂
Julie,
I actually started this book several years ago but didn’t get to far. I picked it up again this afternoon at your recommendation and luckily the message (am on page 50) is finally starting to sink in! As Tolle mentions, you won’t get the message until you’re ready. Maybe now I’m finally ready! 🙂
Thank you.
Thanks Ashley. I appreciate your feedback.
I’m trying David, I’m trying! 🙂
I recently read a book called “Man’s Search For Meaning” and I realized that I have been living in, what Viktor Frankl calls, an “existential vacuum” for a very long time. I have suffered bouts of depression throughout my life. I attempted to end my life when I was 16, but I realized that all I was really looking for was an escape. So I left home a year later. Only to find the depression following me. I tried so many ways to distract myself…. drinking, men, going back to school. I spent the last year dating a man totally wrong for me. He was self-absorbed and never cared one little bit about getting to know the real me. After we broke up, I realized that I chose to stay with him for that very reason. I allowed myself to be completely absorbed in his life, so I wouldn’t have to think about mine and what I wasn’t doing with it. So, despite the fact that his constant disinterest in getting to know me hurt me, I never challenged him, because I was very comfortable not having to address my own disinterest in my existence. Now, I sit here trying to find things to live for. Even small things. I try to remember the fact that I exist at all must have some meaning and purpose in the world, since the likelihood of my existence was a miracle (in the sense that that one sperm had to fertilize that specific egg to create me, and that in itself is lucky). I haven’t quite figured it out yet. But I feel like I’m growing just reflecting on my existence and the impact that I’ve made and can make. Thank you for sharing your story.
Noch Noch, thank you for sharing. I feel less alone with what I am going through right now. And felt even less alone when I read all the other ‘thank you’ notes you received from other people after reading your post.
I’ve learnt that you DO get what YOU ask for in life. When I was flying hight on the corporate ladder and had everything at the young age of 26, I remember praying or talking to the universe as some call it… saying ” there has to be more to life then all this.” And bam, I got married, had a beautiful baby boy, had a divorce, had 5 surgeries in one year, met an american man, quit my job, relationship with american man failed, I was left stranded with my son and no job. Today, after few years of constant fighting with the world, asking “why me?” or saying ” I don’t deserve this,this is not fair”. Today, for the first time, and funny enough, it happened right before reading your post.. Today, I say ” thank you for showing me life”.
I was just texting that to a friend when I read your post. Then read the other comments by people. Not only do I now believe in what I thanked God for, I now feel less alone and I know KNOW that everything WILL be ok from this moment on.
(goose bumps just writing this)
Big shout out and LOVE to Noch Noch and all of you out there. Hang in there! Be thankful for what you have, be true to yourself and one day…just like mine TODAY, you will understand why this is all happening.
Ivy
Hi unionmaid
Thanks for sharing that – it’s beautiful. I’m going to keep that meditation paragraph too!!! it’s very empowering!!!I’ve never heard of Cheri Huber, but I’m also exploring Zen and meditation as part of my therapy to rebuild my inner strength!
I like that Buddha said, pain is inevitable, but suffering is by choice. i always remember that when my migraines come or when i start to feel really low in mood
And yes, therapist is a chemisty. I ‘m glad you have found a good one. I got a cool shrink too. He’s from Jamaica and totally awesome!
Take care
Noch Noch
Hi Ivy
That brought tears to my eyes reading it! I’m sorry to hear of the struggles you went through but yes, that’s life! it’s beautiful you’ve embraced it!!!
And yes you are not alone. Truth be told, i always felt i was alone until I started reaching out myself. and even today, as I turned on my computer and clicked open Tiny Buddha, I was surprised to see people’s reactions here. I hadn’t known so many would empathize
It’s truly amazing
Thank you for showing us life. And Hang on in there!
Lots of love right back at you!
Noch Noch
Hi Julie, Kboffus
How funny, I was just picking up Tolle’s A New Earth yesterday!When we are raedy, the universe will give us what we need!
Thanks for reading my post!Noch Noch
Hi Ashley
Meditation seems to be a common theme for depression. I had not thought of that before but I’m willing to try and exploring the techniques, zen etc…
But you are right, suddenly i look around me, i’m just happy with my fiance and my puppy. And all other material things, well, they can come and go.
thanks for being here
Noch Noch
Hi David
Yes – I have been doing some of that, confronting past hurt, and then moving on. You are right, need some compassion for self!!!Thanks for bringing that up!Noch Noch
Hi Andrea
I love that – “I simply ask what am I supposed to learn from this”
Sometimes we fall into the trap of judging, like you say, and picture something as postiive or negative, and hence box ourselves up
But it’s all an experience indeed. And we just learn from it
Positive or Negative, or any other adjectives has no real value in this case
Thanks for hanging on in there and sharing your journey with us
🙂
Noch Noch
Hi Star Stuff
I’ve never read Viktor Frankl but maybe it should be on my to-read list! Yeh, sometimes we hide and find an escape through numbing ourselves. But i’m glad to hear that you are finding meaning and existence for your life, even as you say, in small things. I am learning to find that too myself
Thanks for encouraging us!Noch Noch
Thanks Yi Lin T, glad you enjoyed it 🙂
Noch Noch
Hi Mimi
Indeed – I’m me and that’s ok!!! :)I’m human too
it’s important to remember that!!!
:)NOch Noch
Hi Deanna
Thanks – hope you can pull yourself out too 🙂
It’s not easy. But we keep trying. I fail sometimes, but up and down we go. All an experience 🙂
Noch Noch
Hi Shawmacooley
Live for yourself!!!I have to remind myself too 🙂
Thanks for coming by
Noch Noch
Hi Whitney
Thank you Depression indeed. If not for this challenge in my life, like you, i wouldn’t have learnt so much more about myself too, and also like you, to let go of a lot of my past!
Thanks for sharing your words too Whitney, take care
noch Noch
You are welcomed Mikederrico 🙂
Hi Tammi
So good to hear you pulled yourself out, and very wise that yes, sometimes we can immerse in negative feelings, but we need to give ourselves a deadline to get out of it
I got tired of indulging in my low moods after a long period of time, and decided, ok I need to live now 🙂
yay!
Noch Noch
HI Grace
Lovely passage, I like the idea of practicing allowing everything to be as it is. It’s awareness of the moment, and living in that moment, instead of indulging in the past or planning too much for the future
Lets all practice together 🙂
Noch Noch
Nice Pic. I’m sure I have seen it somewhere before.
Wow…your story is my life
over the past two years. I struggle still with major episodes of depression,
often brought on by anxiety related to something I have no control over.
SI comes at times in hard waves. I hate not having any control over it
because I need to be in control. I hate the expression “Embrace the pain, and know that suffering is a
choice.” When I am in the depths of despair the last thing I am able to do
is “embrace the pain”. I’ve found that when I try to do that it
puts me in a deeper, darker hole, one that is much harder to come out of.
“Everything will be OK in time”…sounds a lot like “this too shall
pass”. Lord knows I’ve heard that my entire life. Yes it does pass,
then it comes back again.
I’m glad that you have been able to come up with coping skills that
get you through. I’m still muddling my way through trying to find mine.
As for wisdom? I agree that work was the trigger this past episode, my health
the episode prior, and “life” the triggers for the numerous episodes
over the past 15 years. 15 years is a long time to suffer depression, and
it was/is definitely not by choice.
I too have a a depression diagnosis. Major, recurrent. What I had to do was totally change the way I think. I see a therapist each week….3 years now. Living a life filled with lies and deception makes it extremely hard to claw your way back. Sometimes things need to hit rock bottom before a change occurs.
I blog, too. Major healing when I know people read it. There are so many people in the same boat, but every recovery is different.
But, yes, I can thank adversity. I am better for having personally known the extreme nightmare others are suffering with. And so I advocate.
Thank you for sharing your story.. I enjoy relating to people. Each story I read tells me again and again that I am NOT crazy. I’m downright NORMAL. I just choose to talk about it.
Peace.
Hi Jenn
hhaha you are downright normal indeed. thanks for sharing your story. wow! 3 years in therapy. i’m seeing a therapist for last 2 years too. i see him once every 3 weeks now. also trying things like calligraphy and taichi for meditation to help myself… but yes i had to hit rock bottom before i made changes to my life’s priorities!
take care, and lets continue advocating!
Noch Noch
Hi Jmeee
oh dear, 15 years would not be fun! I’m so sorry to hear that. I can see where you are coming from for not liking to “embrace the pain”
i find it hard to do so too when i’m so emotional and devastated. usually i can only remind myself after the fact, and try to remember it next time it happens. i find it takes practice.
and you are right, it will keep coming back, it comes back for me too. i just try to think that it’s all an experience
I hope you will find a way out of this one day. or rather, maybe that’s just who u are and you will find peace with it
Take care
Noch Noch
Thanks Vic – maybe on my blog? haha 🙂
Noch Noch
Hi Noch…If you get the chance, take a look at Cheri Huber’s book Suffering is Optional — Three Keys to Freedom and Joy (available on Amazon.com)…I have found it very empowering…peace & joy to you, unionmaid
I hate hearing “This too shall pass” as well. It’s not like I’m stupid. I just want to feel better NOW!! I can have all the tools in the world (and I do) but it doesn’t change the way I feel inside.
The ugly bottom line is this: Recovery needs to be WANTED with every breath you take.
I hated typing that just now. So cliche. But so darn true.
God intervened in my situation. I hope there’s a way for you to make it through the day on a positive note. I’ll pray anyway. No one deserves torment like this.
It’s hard…when we don’t know what will help us. When we don’t know exactly what we like to do because we’ve been robbed of any kind of zest for life. I see the tremendous opportunity in rediscovering things, but it can feel like an eternity in the meantime.
One reason I am loving advocating. I’m in a place where if someone can’t speak out because of fear or whatever, I’ll do it. I’m someone that when I say I know how you feel…that’s the God’s honest truth. And people’s general ignorance infuriates me. People don’t have to like us or even understand, but don’t turn your nose up to information about it.
Maybe I should advocate against ignorant people? 🙂
Thanks Jenn…actually every breath I take I consider a success 🙂
I will gladly accept prayers and have learned to ask for them as well. I also have all of the tools and try to use them as much as possible. There are good days and bad. Used to be the bad outnumbered the good. After leaving mgmt, getting health issues stablized, and finding a job that I really enjoy, the good are beginning to outnumber the bad. It helps to have someone around that I love and that loves me unconditionally. She’s learned to protect me from me. Peace to you…