“Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko
After years and years of living with anxiety, I can’t tell you exactly what I have been anxious about.
Is it a pervasive thought about how my life will end? Is it a constant worry about my financial security? Is it simply that I’m nervous to give a speech in front of people? Or a combination of all of them?
Even thinking about anxiety causes more anxiety. Ahhh!
Anxiety is also really hard to define. It’s so subjective.
I don’t think my anxiety will ever truly go away. I still have thoughts about the future, and the “what ifs” still run through my mind.
I’m not some blissful angel walking around in a constant state of Zen. At least, this is how I imagine how I would be anxiety-free. There doesn’t seem to be a cure for anxiety that works for everyone. If you find one, please let me know.
However, I know that I am no longer miserable. It’s different now than before. There are some positive things that have worked for me.
One of the worst parts of my anxiety was that nobody could tell I had it. When I told people, they responded, “Wow, you always seem so calm and put together.”
That is not how I felt on the inside. Why was what I felt on the inside so different than how others perceived me? I wanted to change this, and I wanted to be comfortable.
I have found some ways to cope with and significantly reduce my anxiety about the future. Because that is what anxiety is all about—the future. Yet, I experience anxiety in the moment, not in the future.
Rationally, this does not make any sense. How is feeling anxious in this moment going to fix or solve any problem in the future? It can’t. Oh, how I wish it were that cut and dry.
However, telling myself this simple fact somehow helps a little. Anxiety isn’t logical. The more I treat it that way, the less I struggle with it. Still, even if it isn’t logical, it is very real.
I’ve found that small action steps can turn some of these thoughts into real positive change, which helps me be a little more comfortable. The best part is the more you do them, the easier it becomes. It’s like a muscle you need to keep working out.
Here is a breakdown of action steps to take when you’re worrying about the future.
First, acknowledge what you’re worried about.
Let’s say I have constant anxiety about an upcoming work conference where I know I will have to interact with important people. When I acknowledge that I’m feeling anxious, and why, I can then begin to take action.
Next, ask yourself, what I am actually afraid of, and why?
Write it out if you’d like. In the above situation for me, it would have been the fear of passing out or throwing up as someone important approaches me or asks me a question. Why? Because I get uncomfortable in social situations and don’t want to embarrass myself.
Imagine the worst-case scenario.
My worst-case scenario is sweating profusely and having a room full of people laughing and pointing at me because of it. Oh, and then I’d have a heart attack. Sound crazy? Think about something unusual you have convinced yourself to be absolutely true.
Move from fear to action.
Ask yourself, how can I take this fear and turn it into something I can do today—something that will most likely not cause the absolute worst-case scenario to happen?
We want to increase our odds here.
How can I break this down into an action that will help?
In my case, I could approach some friends at work and make conversation; nothing serious, just more than I usually do.
Or, maybe I could go home tonight and research one of the speakers at the conference to get to know them a little better.
If I’m feeling really brave, I could volunteer to present something small to a couple of coworkers or even to an all staff meeting.
Maybe I could sign up for an improv class to get comfortable in front of people.
Maybe I could just talk to someone I trust about how I’m really feeling.
The more I take action toward that future moment, the less pervasive my thoughts.
Think about the desire to become an expert at something. You can ruminate over and over again how you wish you could play the piano, but it won’t make a difference if you never take action and sign up for just one lesson.
If you can do something of value at your best today, there isn’t anything about the future you need to worry about.
You see, every single moment becomes another moment, and then becomes another.
I’ve found that if I can do one action today toward something I am anxious about, and do it my best, that is good enough for me.
If you take many small actions over time, when the big moment actually becomes the moment (no longer in the future), not only will it become easier to handle, but you’ll most like realize that it wasn’t worth all the stress.
I like to think of life in this way: I don’t know how it will all end, nor do I want to. I know that I can’t control my fate. I’m not perfect and I make mistakes. And that’s okay.
One thing I do know for sure, if I do my best today I can look forward to a future that’s much better than my worst fears about it.
About Shawn McKibben
Shawn McKibben is a personal development coach and founder of simplefellow.com, a website dedicated to teaching ambitious introverts how to be less socially awkward and have better conversations. He loves to teach, as well as learn from others, and has lived in four major US cities doing just that. Currently, Shawn is giving away his 21-page eBook, “An Introvert’s Guide to Engaging Conversation.”
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Great actionable steps you shared here Shawn!
Agree with what you said “I’ve found that small action steps can turn some of these thoughts into real positive change”.
Do something no matter how small you think it is. That’s progress. Pretty soon, those accumulated small steps will become the
very steps that got you closer to your goal.
Thank you so much for sharing. I really needed to read this this morning.
thank you!
Thanks so much for this post! Since adopting my daughters from Ethiopia 7 years ago, I’ve found that my anxiety has increased to a ridiculous level! Nice to know that I’m not alone in that, but also that someone has discovered that it can be controlled. 🙂 Thanks again!
Great post! As someone who struggles with anxiety, I’ve found this quote from the Dalai Lama immensely helpful:
“If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.”
Thank you. Well done. Very helpful.
When we focus on the present we lose anxiety about the future. That is my motto: focus on the present, and live in the now. The future will take care of itself.
Thank you @ekanost:disqus for your kind words! LOVE the quote you provided as well. All the best 🙂
I really appreciate it! Thank you for commenting 🙂
Thank you for commenting! What a wonderful gift your daughters must be. You are not alone and I’ve found so many ways to help cope with those “inner voices” we all have. All the best 🙂
You’re welcome, Gabby. Thank you for commenting!
Often, we come up with these stories that are simply OUR perception. I’m happy to hear it worked for you. Thanks for commenting!
You’re welcome. I’m happy it helped this morning! Thanks for posting a comment 🙂
Thank you! When we break down our lives into manageable tasks we can do right now, it isn’t all so overwhelming. I also wrote about goals, specifically on my blog. Take care 🙂
I agree, Talya. Thank you commenting! I like your motto 🙂
I did not know that others had anxiety like I did on the inside but everyone one the outside sees something diffrent. Thank you I will try this
Really great post. When I get caught up in anxiety, (often!) I like doing that “imagine the worst case scenario” thing too. Because usually the worst case scenario isn’t as bad as the anxiety I’m feeling. EFT (tapping) is also great, as well as meditation, Magnesium, GABA Max, lavender oil, hiking… can you tell I’ve been dealing with anxiety for a while too? 😉 Thank you.
Thanks Linsey (no “d” and an “e”- I got it right!) I worked with someone years ago who was really into “tapping” and really intrigued me. I love your other tips! I also use turmeric which has a ton of good benefits. Take care 🙂
I’m glad you could relate! It’s important to know that you are not alone. Thanks again for reading my article 🙂
What’s the phrase? ‘Feel afraid but do it anyway’. I am terrified of the future but I’m also working on life goals right now in the hopes that the small steps now will work towards my future. By taking it a step at a time it feels much more manageable!
Really thought-provoking post Shawn!
Sounds like you’ve adopted a big dose of acceptance into your life. Very cool.
I rarely worry, as I see it as counterproductive. When I realize I’m not where I want to be, I get super motivated and get to work. It’s time to go hard or go home!
Hey everyone,
I am 16 years old and for the last 3 weeks I have been noticeably anxious. For the last 2 years I have had problems with my family. My grandparents got sick and taking care of them caused a lot of problems in the whole family. In those years I have been doing things like: sitting behind my desk on my computer. In holidays of 2 weeks for example I just went outside 2 days or so. I also experiences a lot of negativeness in my house because of my bigger sister.
Unfortunately 1 year ago my granddad passed away. And a month or so my grandmother passed away. I just noticed what kind of stressful situations I was in. Right now I am trying to go more outside. I am outside at least 1/4 of the day. I will mostly go out with my mom for shopping. Sometimes I take my bike for a ride.
But in the last 3 weeks ( 3 days less ). ( also since the summer holiday begun ) I have been very anxious about things like my future. The first week was horrible because I let everything influence me. I thought it was real. But it was just my mind. Since 28 august I am trying to ignore those and think positively. Right now it is going okay, I do have the passion to do things, but there is not much to do, because in those last 2 years I have “lost” my friends because of only sitting behind my computer. And a lot of the things I like costs money.
Right now when I am walking outside or watching somethings I always think about how those people feel about their lives and if they are like me. Also today I was thinking about why we live if we die. I know I shouldn’t but sometimes it pops up. And when I see things about the wars that are going on I try to switch subject or change channel, is this good or bad?
I also want to mention if it is fine that I think about suicide, but in the way that I am scared of it and I don’t want to do it. Sometimes that pops up too.
– Can someone tell me why I have this anxiousness with my past. And what can I do about it? ( redirecting to articles is also fine )
– Also is it possible to be completely anxiousness free, or at least never anxiousness like I was before?
– And I am going on a vacation trip with my dad and sister: Are there any things that I should take with me for my mind?
I thank you with my heart for this site!
Thank you for sharing this post. I found your articulation of anxiety very helpful. I do not tend to worry much and have a difficult time understanding bad anxiety. I appreciate and agree with your steps. The idea of having a target and taking action toward that target each day helps to overcome so many psychological barriers, it is just amazing.
As someone who has been struggling for years with mood swings & all sorts of anxieties; this was quite insightful! Thank you for being vulnerable & sharing your story! 🙂
What a great post Shawn, you basically summed up how I have felt lately. I get so easily overwhelmed by what I have to do in the future and how I’m going to do it, my mind never stops! I am struggling with trying to keep it under wraps but reading your story just reminds me that I’m not the only one who feels this way, and that there are people who have got through those hard patches. Thank you for sharing your story, it means a lot and I hope, some day, I can get to a similar place to where you are now 🙂
First, if you have thoughts of suicide, please speak with a doctor right away – the web is okay to learn and commiserate… and perhaps unfortunately read something you will misinterpret that will make you feel worse – a doctor is trained to help. So do this now.
Second, its okay to have fear of the future and growing up. Puberty is not only when your body is changing, similar feelings is when your “frame” is changing and you have experienced disruption in your life as-is, and tensions you were not aware or didn’t exist before. This is normal. Its okay to be scared of the future, but its also okay to say – its going to be great!
To answer your questions in backwards order… from my amateur perspective
1) Does that possibly mean something in my anxiousness? It means you are human (and maybe also having blood sugar swings from fasting then eating big meals during Ramadan??).
2) – Can someone tell me why I have this anxiousness with my past. And what can I do about it? – Write it out. What are the triggers. Write why does it matter. Will the past repeat itself. Does it define you today? Will it define you tomorrow? Everyday you have a chance to be a new you (and, yes, everyday I make the same mistakes over again, so what) Again, I think you should do this with Dr. supervision – they can walk you through it nicely.
– Also is it possible to be completely anxiousness free, or at least never anxiousness like I was before? I am not a professional, but I believe that is not achievable or necessary to be anxious free. Without stress there would be no risk or action or rewards… its how you manage your triggers and how you learn to deal with the movies in your head that is important. Think about positive anxiety – like butterflies in your stomach when you are talking to someone you like, or the tension that builds while watching a movie. This is all good anxiety. Look forward.
– And I am going on a vacation trip with my dad and sister: Are there any things that I should take with me for my mind? Yes. Take your mind (and a pad and paper). And perhaps, its time to read about and practice some relaxation exercises, some yoga, some stretching or just write some lists of gratitude and what will make you happy and what is one quick step to get closer!
Please be well. You actually rock for having the courage to share on this site – you should be aware of how special that makes you.
Thanks Naomi!
Thank you for the kind words 🙂
Thanks! By the way, I grew up in Colorado! It’s a beautiful state. Take care 🙂
Thanks Paul!
Thanks! I really appreciate it.
Thanks for commenting, Phil!
Great advice @sidneyjacobson:disqus Thank you for commenting 🙂 Hang in there @disqus_ShhFkiWCbW:disqus
Thank you very much! Right now I can’t see a doctor because we will probably leave monday or so ( and the doctor is closed in weekends ). But it gets less so I will wait and see for after the vacation. If it goes worse there I will visit a doctor there. If you have something to say about this please share. Thank you again 🙂
EDIT: I wanted to ask something else. I am also thinking about what’s the meaning of life and so on. If that’s the case do you recommend to immediately visit the doctor too?
Thanks Shawn 😀
Usually the acknowledging step is all I need to do because acknowledging the fear is usually what makes me realise how much I’ve blown it out of proportion and that its highly unlikely to occur. Also I find as well as thinking about the worst that could happen, It helps to also look at the best thing that could happen from the given situation 🙂 Great article
Thanks Sophie! Acknowledging is always a great first step.
This has always and continues to be a constant struggle of mine. Trying to stay in the present and focus on one thing at a time helps me reduce anxiety. But in today’s society to get “ahead” we start to be forward focused. While that is great for progression as a society, it sucks for happiness and well-being.
Your worst case scenario was sweating and/or being laughed at. My worst case scenario is terror attacks and the continuing slaughter of innocent civilians we see in the world today. How does one deal with anxiety and depression based on world events? I am deeply saddened and concerned about the future for my children.
Hi, here you mention “we should examine whether there is anything we can do about it”. It is we should examine that makes us worry. Because we don’t know whether we have examined enough, there could be always ways to solve a problem, but we just could not find it or think of it. That causes us to be worried. How are you certain that if you cannot do anything? what if you are certain you cannot do anything but in actual fact there is something you can do about it? So you need to think even more to find out what can you do. I would say worry is defined by how long you take to think you can do or cannot do. If taking way too long, which requires your time and energy, then it should be avoided. But again we are often uncertain how long should we take think (or worry) about something.