“Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy
I used to have a friend who wasn’t good for me. She would put me down at every opportunity. If she saw me laughing and smiling, she would say something to bring me down. If she saw I was making progress, she would try to hold me back.
Sometimes I’d hear about things she’d said behind my back. Or discover that she had been poisoning other people’s opinions about me. Even worse, I would find that she would tell others about my personal problems—things I’d discussed privately with her.
Obviously, I knew she wasn’t good for me. For a long time, I actually believed in her putdowns and thought there must be something wrong with me. But I tried very hard to rationalize her behavior because I cared about her.
I thought perhaps she hurt other people to lift her own spirits. Maybe she was just miserable and a lost soul herself. No matter what the reasons, I tried on many occasions to talk to her but her defenses would come up and she’d get angry.
In the end, I grew tired of her negativity, realized she was never going to change, shut her out of my life completely, and moved on.
Months, even years later, when mutual friends mentioned her name, my heart would jump and I’d relive the pain.
All the old questions such as “Why was she so angry toward me?” and “What did I do wrong?” would re-emerge and I would torture myself.
For a long time I was extremely bitter and angry about what had happened. I used to fantasize about all the things I would say to her face when I next bumped into her. I’d imagine how great it would feel to really speak my mind.
But then I saw the light. I realized that my former friend was suffering, just like we all are. I realized that she was unhappy.
It doesn’t matter how or why she was a bad friend. It matters that she wasn’t happy. It matters that I forgive. And it matters that I move on.
I also realized that if I continued to have negative feelings toward her, I would be poisoning myself and prolonging the suffering. I would be making myself unhappy when there really was no need to do it.
Today, I have forgiven my old friend. I am no longer angry or bitter toward her. I don’t take it personally when I still hear negative things she has said to mutual acquaintances. I don’t mind that she is still angry.
I only hope that she finds a way to make her life as positive and as amazing as possible. Don’t we wish that for all our friends?
Sadly, this issue of toxic friendships isn’t uncommon. I bet we all have people in our lives who leave us feeling miserable and drained of energy.
I also think that when we hang around with these characters, we hold ourselves back and increase our odds of becoming negative.
So what do we do? Do we abandon people if they’re bad for us? Or do we stick around to help them out?
The answer lies with the person in question. Only they can make the decision to become happy. It’s literally his or her choice, and no one else can force it.
In the meantime, all we can do is forgive them for their bad behavior and make ourselves happy by surrounding ourselves with positive people.
When we choose to associate with positive people, we tend to become happier and brighter and enjoy better lives.
But doesn’t this mean we give up on those negative friends? Surely, if we are to live a compassionate and kind-hearted life, shouldn’t we be there for them?
Maybe, if they acknowledge their bad behavior, apologize, and make an effort to change. Ultimately, we only want to let people in our lives if they’re prepared to be good friends.
In my case, I chose to move on. I have deliberately created a life that is full of interesting and positive people. My current friends are genuinely happy to see me happy.
They don’t get jealous if I’m successful; they encourage me. They don’t say horrible things about me behind my back; they say kind, loving things. They understand I’m not perfect and forgive me for my flaws. They make me laugh, and they enjoy seeing me happy.
This is what true friendship should be about.
If you choose to still hang around with bad friends, you can take comfort in the fact that they do make excellent teachers.
As the Dalai Lama said, “In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.” And Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.”
If you’re not ready to let go of an old friend who is bad for you, work hard to be there for them. Be patient and kind. Try to understand where they’re coming from.
If it becomes draining and their behaviors continue, it might be time to let go and move on. You wouldn’t wish to make any of your friends unhappy, so why harm yourself? Sometimes it’s better to understand that letting go is the only way.
When I think of my old friend, I hope that she is happy. Letting her go didn’t mean that I don’t care. It just means I want to be happy myself. That’s why it’s so important to forgive, love, and move on when you have to: We all deserve to be happy. We have the power to make it happen.
About Katy Cowan
Katy Cowan is an author, journalist, and marketing professional based in the UK. She runs her own digital agency in Manchester and during her spare time she loves to help other creatives via her creative industries magazine Creative Boom.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
This touches me at my core. I recently had to let go of an unhealthy and toxic relationship. I felt as if I was losing myself and possibly normalizing bad behavior. I tried to reconcile our differences so many times that was met with resistance, stubbornness and the silent treatment. I decided to choose me, my happiness, forgive him and myself to be free. I still have a place for him in my heart and I wonder how things could be if we could’ve found balance and compromise, but I cannot be the only one making the effort.
Great post! I realize sometimes its necessary to remove toxic, irreparable and negative relationships from your life to make room for inspiring and positive ones.
Sometimes, it’s not about us – it’s about them. You shouldn’t take it personally if the other person is behaving badly. Sometimes it’s best to walk away and leave them to it… even though you want to stay and help – it’s sometimes the best way to deal with things. There’s only so much you can do, and there’s only so much you can take.
I couldn’t agree more. A lot of times toxic relationships can create so much damage to your own self-esteem that you don’t even believe you can leave and that you should do everything you can to help and make things right. And that is not good. When you get to this point, its time to let go.
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This is pretty much what I’ve had to do with a former once close friend. We are still co-workers a couple days a week (which makes the letting go process hard) but her bad behavior has continued off/on for a couple years now. She has a controlling boyfriend & I know that she has let friendships go in order to do what he wants & be at his beckon call. Like another poster suggested, she isn’t happy either but after trying to talk to her several times & being shut out, you simply quit. The person you’re trying to help will end up making you the bad one instead of the one actually causing them grief. I still mourn this friendship but would be able to fully heal if I didn’t have to see her at our part-time job.
Yes, I noticed that some people have issues with themselves.
I may not agree with this because , when we let it go they ll be encouraged and they ll do it more often . So it all depends upon what kind of person u are if u are sensitive then it ll damage ur life. so i think its better to confront it .
I have mixed feelings on this part of it. Even though the friend I let go will probably never admit to any wrong-doing, I know she knows and she knows I know she knows. There was a lesson to be learned – a strong lesson on her part. There was never any closure – no final argument, no climax, no discussion. I just stopped speaking to her and when I saw her in a store months later and she approached me, I said nothing. I stared at her and spoke not one word. I was angry and hurt. She knew it and nothing needed to be said. She will never ever have a friend like me again. I was there for her through thick and thin since we were kids. I was the giver in that relationship. She took and took but gave nothing back other than single-white femaling me while maligning me to others and saying outright nasty things in groups of people to embarrass me. Seh never thought I’d just walk away from our friendship. I’ll bet if she ever does have another close friend, she will not take them for granted. She would do well, though, to choose friends beneath her because she can’t handle relationships with people she feels are more successful or happier than she is. Who knows? She is a narcissist. I think most toxic people are. They tend to justify their own actions and don’t think about other people’s feelings.
I can really relate to ur story especially about normalising bad behaviour. Like u I still have a special place in my heart for him & I still miss him quite often but I keep telling myself I deserve better.. It was especially hard for me as I couldn’t imagine how he could treat me so bad when I was so good to him & basically did whatever he wanted. But those are his issues I guess. Thanks for posting as I know I’m not alone in this & people can relate.
Katy, thank you for sharing this ~ it is sooo hard to let someone go that you care deeply for but that brings a steady dose of negativity and pain. Almost six months ago, I finally made this type of decision and it still saddens me because this friend’s name is also brought up often in work and friendship circles. I fluctuate between wishing him well and really wanting the best for him and other times hold anger for the horrific behavior that I was close to by choosing to be a friend. In the end, letting go was the best decision and I only hope that he knows somewhere in the airwaves out there that I do hope he can find happiness and find a way to treat those around him with more compassion.
Thanks Flowers. I hope your friend is happy too. None of us are perfect. One thing to bear in mind – which I’m sure you do – people can change for the better so I always try and take people at face value, i.e. without assuming they’ll be the same person as last time. Sometimes people who were once toxic can surprise you. 😀
Yes, thank you for sharing. I started letting go of toxic relationships years ago & it was probably one of the best things I could ever do in my life. I sent this link to my friend because he has been struggling with an extremely toxic relationship for years.
I hope it helps your friend Joe. I definitely think we all change our circle of friends as we learn this lesson. Today, I have such a diverse and interesting happy bunch of friends, from all age groups and backgrounds. I would say I’m lucky but I actually just made room for them and started doing more of the things I love – which led to meeting new people.
Hi Katy – its a long time since this post was made so not sure if you’ll see this. I really liked your post and you make so many great points, as do the other ‘commenters’. I posted earlier on also about how I am starting the process of moving away from some people (very early on in this). Part of my problem is exactly as you say above, fear of not making new friends. I have few close friends and job changes/taking a break to be a mum as well as people leaving the city I live in have taken their toll on my friendship group. I now question whether I have what it takes to make new friends! I am clinging particularly to one friendship where my friend has good intentions, but is not always good for me…she always talks about herself even if we start out talking about a problem I have. I have been there to listen to her for years but recently need the shoe to be on the other foot and she is intermittent in her interest and support, to say the least. Truth is she has actually moved on herself, having found herself a new group in the area she lives in (we’re in the same city but quite a distance from each other). I struggle with this as I think ‘close’ friendships should not be defined by distance and convenience. When we do talk about me and my recent problems her stock answer is if only I could move nearer her…personally I don’t see why she can’t be a good friend regardless of that…we both have children now and all her new friends are ‘mum’ friends, but I feel hurt, rejected after all my years of listening and being there, because I just don’t live in a convenient post code. Anyway, I’m aware I’m sounding bitter! I don’t want to be but I do think I need to move away from this relationship as continually reaching out and being disappointed is making me feel rubbish. I need to move on but am scared about moving on to what, if that makes sense! I have suffered post natal depression since having my child and have struggled to make my own ‘mum’ friends, so I have some ‘evidence’ for my fears if you see what I mean.
Agree that personal growth does not always include the negative, or gossip lovers. When you make room for others, who knows what treasures the future will hold ?
I felt so guilty letting this particular friend go, but it happened naturally in the end. There was no confrontation. No hurt or upset. She was too busy, I was too busy – and by the time she noticed, we’d both moved on. It’s sometimes far kinder to let things happen that way.
Actually I disagree, I think it is kinder to be honest (kindly while not blaming and taking full emotional responsibility for the fact that no-one can make you “feel” anything). It is a funny thing that occurs in female friendships that often end unspoken, unlike sexual relationships where there tends to be more communication. The lack of honesty, which is really often an effort to avoid an uncomfortable or potentially painful conversation, can really hurt and push “rejection” buttons! I have been both at different times of my life (haven’t we all, if we are honest?). I certainly recognise how different I am in relationships and friendships now! It took a long time to get to that point.
I think it completely depends on the situation and friendship. In my case, it was far kinder to just let it naturally come to an end. After all, what would I achieve by confronting her and saying ‘I don’t want to be your friend anymore!’ It’s not as easy as that. And she wasn’t exactly the easiest person to deal with.
The thing is… if she came to me and asked me why haven’t you called? I would be very kind and simply say ‘Because life just gets in the way and I’ve been so busy with work’. I truly would.
I don’t think it’s avoidance or a lack of honesty. I think you have to ask what you’d achieve by talking about the reasons for moving on. You’d just cause more upset in the end. I’d rather my former friend just assumed I’d become busy and that we’d moved on.
I agree with Lilla. Wouldn’t it be more honest to simply tell her that she is not giving you what you need from a friendship? I frequently get the too busy with work/life/etc answer from friends. Should I assume that these friends are really trying to distance themselves but won’t tell me so or should I assume they are telling me the truth and they are just busy? How would I know the difference? Not everyone is self-aware enough to know the effect of their behavior on others. If you truly want your friend to move on and be happy, shouldn’t you be honest with her so she can learn? Maybe she won’t take the lesson to heart, but shouldn’t you at least give her that chance?
I think the thing is we have been conditioned from children to lie to others, because we have learnt that being honest means hurting other people. We all do it. But actually, the opposite is true. I find I usually can sense if someone is not being upfront and I really value the honesty. I’m practising being more honest myself with the people in my life now. Little things – like not giving an excuse if I don’t want to go to something but rather just saying, thanks but it is not my thing.
Sometimes being honest can cause more hurt and upset than if you simply let things slide. It could cause bad feeling with said friend, especially if there’s a group surrounding that friend and you want to remain part of that circle. It can just make things worse and reflect badly on you.
Being diplomatic is a good way of looking at things. Because essentially, do you really want to say to someone ‘I don’t like you anymore because…’ and then list all the reasons. It can only back-fire.
Sometimes what we think is morally right has to be overlooked. For instance, it might seem positive to be honest but it won’t necessarily result in a positive outcome.
I have to agree with Katy on this. There is a difference between telling a friend honestly that you don’t want to go somewhere becaue you’re just not into it and telling someone you don’t want to be their friend anymore. The first is how I would deal with a current friend. The latter is actually ending a friendship and it most likely, will be confrontational, extremely awkward and hurtful. It’s better to just let them go quietly and not humiliate them even if you’re not meaning to.
I also agree with Katy. There are times when it’s better not to have that confrontation and gently let go. I didn’t have a single discussion with a friend who I knew was going to be difficult but more so, where I just didn’t care to maintain the friendship. I wasn’t looking to become acquaintances either. I have a busy life and by the time she noticed, I knew I wasn’t going back. I hope she moves on and stops stalking me.
I totally agree. I’m trying to do the same — just saying no thanks to things rather than making an excuse of why not — and I’ve noticed that it has bled over into all areas of my life and feel like being truthful works best. Sometimes honesty hurts but for me being lied to hurts more, particularly if it is coming from someone I trust and consider a friend. I get that friendships ebb and flow, but if I were being the toxic friend, I would want to know. In fact, the friendships I value the most in my life are the ones with people who have been honest and loving enough to point out when I behaving poorly. Not saying any of this is easy but I think it is worth striving for.
I think it’s important to consider the situation you’re in and do what you think is right. I can only offer my own thoughts on what happened to me and I truly believe, in this case, it was far kinder to let things go. I’ve since bumped into said friend and I’ve been genuinely happy to see her, always say hello and ask how she’s doing… It’s kind of like turning a friend into an acquaintance. That’s how you’ve got to look at it. It’s just gently letting go and moving on. It’s not dumping someone as such – it’s just taking a step back from making an effort.
I would never take it personally if other friends told me they were busy or we stopped hanging around. I wouldn’t demand an explanation – that’s just not my style. I would just assume the relationship had naturally come to an end or things had changed. I wouldn’t think more deeply than that to be honest. But then I’m pretty laid-back about these things.
I think you would enjoy The Four Agreements. It’s a great book – just look it up on Amazon. Thanks 🙂
Tracy,
As a person who is currently on the receiving end of the “too busy” answer from a best friend of almost 40 years, I agree totally with you that it is better to be honest and tell the person if the friendship is ending.
I am in the dark and have reached out with the suggestion that we talk and clear the air as I am not sure what is going on and why she is too busy to see me.
She is suddenly too busy to come see my first grandchild, too busy to have me spend time with her on her birthday, too busy to grab a cup of coffee even though we generally get together once a week, just generally too busy. We used to talk 3 or 4 times a week, about everything, about her expected grandchildren, about work, about the struggle my husband and I have been through for the last 15 months while he was unemployed — everything. Now, I am getting one word responses stating she has plans.
I totally feel that out of respect for the other person, out of respect for the years invested in each other, take the time to tell me that the friendship is no longer working, that for whatever reason she no longer wants to be in my life.
The honesty would at least give me the opportunity to face it, poke around at it and my part in it, and the chance to properly grieve the loss.
Just giving the perspective from the other side of the coin.
What an excellent article Katy – I could relate to every single word of it. I think the bit I liked best was the fact that letting a bad friend go doesn’t mean we don’t care, it just means we’ve decided to put our own happiness first. That, ultimately, is why I have moved on from certain toxic friendships over the years. Hard lessons that hurt deeply, but I am grateful for them now. I must admit I still bristle when I hear things through mutual acquaintances but, like you, I can only hope these people are happy and have found peace in their lives. Thanks again for such an excellent article 🙂
Thanks again – I think it’s the ultimate adult lesson… realising that you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to, and you certainly don’t have to hang around with people who make you miserable. I suppose one thing I missed in the article was the issue of fear of being able to make new friends… That’s one of the reasons why many of us hang onto bad friends. When in actual fact, it’s easy to make room for new friends. One should always be trying to meet new people as we change as people and our interests change too.
Reading this made me realize I was a toxic friend to someone dear once. I never understood why she drifted away from me. Too bad I can’t repair the damage.
Thank you for the enlightenment!
My pleasure Philippa. You know, it’s never too late. You could always try to rekindle that friendship…
This is a great post. I recently let go of who I considered my best girlfriend. The relationship was toxic for me, but in a different way. After years of supporting her through some very bad situations due to her pretty poor decision making, she suddenly without warning turned her back on me and I have no idea why. Through the years I would listen to her complain and watch her hurt herself. It was very draining on my end, but I cared about her and stood by her through everything, when no one else was there. I was there for her when she was contemplating ending her life. I helped, supported, and accompanied her to her divorce lawyer to help her leave her abusive husband. I was there for every tear she shed when a man she loved treated her like dirt and left her. I was the only friend of hers to go to her father’s funeral. She’s had a tough life, but she also puts herself in such bad situations where she is bound to get hurt. Over and over I would listen….always hearing the same thing over and over again. Over and over again I would try and help her make healthy choices. It would hurt me to watch her do these things to herself, but I never turned my back on her. She recently cut all ties with me, out of the blue. I’ve tried to get her to talk to me without success, so I have stopped and have let her go. I’ve had to deal with toxic people before, but it’s easy to let them go when they mean nothing to you. This was different for me. This was my best friend. It hurts that she won’t give our friendship the respect that I would give it by at least giving an explanation. Thanks for listening xoxo
wow.. my best friend of 35 years recently stopped talking to me with no explanation… i heard through the grapevine it was because she was hurt that I didn’t let her travel 850 miles for my fathers funeral.. it was a complicated situation i deserve to be able to explain to her but she wont let me.
Sorry to hear that Julie. I feel conflicted on whether or not to leave a door open for her. It’s not as if she was ever mean or demeaning to me like others are talking about. She was always a huge support for me as I was for her. I just don’t know what I did. So, I have walked away from trying to get her to talk to me, but if she does reach out the next time she’s going through something……….do I go back to all that negativity and watching her hurt herself, or do i make this clean cut for good? I hope you get your explanation and some resolve. maybe there is a much bigger issue going on with your friend. xo
I would always leave the door open. But I would move on by forgiving your friend and accepting that she’s doing her own thing right now. I wouldn’t take it personally. I would just focus on making yourself happy by making some new friends and taking up some new interests. Be open to meeting new people and start to ask yourself this… ‘Who am I and what do I want from my friendships?’ Because you know what, we all change over time – it’s a natural thing to change and move on from certain friendships. It just happens. Once you’ve figured out who you are and what you want from friendships, you’ll suddenly find yourself surrounded by lots of nice, happy people.
Most of all – you should never force anything. If a friendship or relationship isn’t working, then stop trying to force it to work. In this case, your friend has her mind elsewhere right now. She might become a friend again in future – if that naturally happens. But for now, just let whatever naturally happens, happen.
Thank you, this really helps give me direction. Since this has happened I’ve already met 2 new friends who are very upbeat with sunny personalities, with good heads on their shoulders! I’ve also been spending more time with old friends. Thank you. <3
Sometimes, all it takes is for someone else to say ‘Hey.. it’s ok – this is quite normal, you’ve done nothing wrong, go be happy!’ And everything sorts itself out doesn’t it! This is why I love communities like these! 😀 My pleasure. Take care 🙂
yes.. thank you both! ♥
Well I think this is an entirely different situation. This is where someone has ‘dumped’ you without giving you the chance to patch things up. And it does sound unreasonable. What a shame that she hasn’t given you the chance to talk about it. It’s silly when this happens.
In my case, I put up with five years of toxic friendship where I was constantly being mistreated, put down and made to feel miserable. I clung onto that friendship because I cared about the other person and we did share some good times.
I suppose I had to let go because it was for my own good. In my case, I didn’t need to explain why we’d drifted apart. I guess it just naturally happened.
Sorry to hear that Jenny. There is nothing worse than losing a best girlfriend. It cuts your heart in two and is very painful – not something many people talk about but it does happen. I think perhaps your friend might be suffering from pride or embarrassment, i.e. you know too much about her past mistakes and maybe she associates those mistakes with you and wants to simply move as far away from her past as possible. In which case, it’s not personal. She’s trying to move on from harder times and unfortunately – because you know all about those times – she has cut you off as well. I might be completely wrong but this is just a guess.
I never even thought of looking at it this way. It’s nice to see another perspective. It’s making me cry…..thank you for your thoughts.
Just remember – don’t torture yourself with the old questions like ‘what did I do wrong?’ You probably didn’t do anything wrong. You sound like a wonderful friend. It’s her problem, and nothing to do with you. So don’t be hurt – let’s just hope she’s ok and works things out. And maybe one day, you’ll get an unexpected call and you can be friends again…
This has happened to me so many times. So many times I was there with a friend, or a love, through the worst of times. But then they associated me with those times, and put me behind them as if I was part of the bad- instead of seeing me as a bit of good that helped them get through it. It hurts. I find peace in knowing that I was with them through the hard times because I cared, and even if I would have known that they would only abandon me when things got better, I wouldn’t have acted any differently. It sucks though, it really really sucks. It’s not fair. I even wonder if I was used, like a life-raft that just happened to be floating by. But I’ve been through hard times myself, I know how the aftermath can be confusing to navigate, even when things get better. It’s really hard not to take personally though.
I think we can help but if we had KNOWN, we could have perhaps played our cards differently. In my case, I had always been the one to carry the relationship, made more phone calls & reached out much more than she did. I just never imagined that she’d let a guy come between us but that is what she did & continues to do. She shares very little about her private life w/me anymore. On some level, I think she knows I have her guy’s M.O. & that I’m smarter about her whole situation, thus the reason she won’t talk to me about her private life anymore. She’s a miserable person & I can plainly see that even when she pretends that all is well.
I know this is a bit old, but I am going through this right now. Ive been there for a friend for the past 10 years, through the divorce of her family, death of her grandparent, suicidal period, you name it. I even flew down to get her out of bed to cheer her up. I cheered and supported her on all her efforts to get well. she is finally changing her life now, through surgery. Unfortunately my life is in the dumps, I’m suffering through chronic illness and PTSD. We always talked about these things, lord knows I had to listen to it from her. Then, without warning, she explodes at me. Her life is new and improved, and I am the wet noddle now. She made assumptions about my mental health treatment that were not correct, blamed me for my negativity and that i choose to be sick ,etc. It was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me. It is true that I do struggle, but its not all I do. I cheered her on, I send her care packages, I support her even though I feel so sick. But because I had a crisis the other day, I am the bad in her life that needs to go. She didn’t ever tell me, I suppose this resentment has been building. If she had only told me, I would have changed. I would have done anything! And she knows I am in a two year healing and changing process. I am trying so hard, I have tried so many things. But, she found the solution for herself, and now cannot understand why I haven’t yet. She has cut me out of her life. At first I thought I was a terrible person. But she has cut her mother, her grandfather, her aunts, her uncles, other friends, constantly talks about doing it to her sister. And I am beginning to see that while I am in a negative period in my life that I have been honest and in full acknowledgment about, she is in a fake positive place. Her place of positivity is via being cruel to those who love her the most, not giving them the chance to change. Making them the reasons for her unhappiness. I do agree that toxic people need to be cut from your life, but when you make it your mission to cut everyone from you life, even those that love you the most, You aren;t being positive, you are the toxic one.
I’ve done that myself. Walked away from long time friends or changed jobs over and over because people knew way too much about me and I have always been ashamed. BTW I am 67 years old and I still suffer pain from the past and past relationships and hurts.
In my situation with my former friend, I was there for her through cancer & another surgery. She got limited support from her family & her guy on both of those health issues. Actually, her guy was not there at all for her when she had her surgery. I was the one to pick her up from the hospital yet she has forgotten all of that apparently. She’s still with this controlling man & hangs on to him for dear life. She has chosen him over any friendships she might have because he doesn’t want her to be too close to any female friends -that is quite clear to me.
This also has a lot to do with patriarchal conditioning. We teach women to value poor relationships with men over good relationships with other women. Very sad.
I know this post is a year old but….. As someone who is an ex-battered woman, please understand that abuse and trauma makes people do things they wouldn’t normally do otherwise. Battered women in particular have a sort of Stockholm syndrome with their abusers, its a survival mechanism.
That being said, if it was draining on you then its okay that you moved on. You tried your best and thats all that matters. I wish I had someone in my life like that for me back when I was in my abusive situation. But perhaps I would have done the same thing as she did. Like I said, abuse warps your mind and it makes you want to push away those who are just trying to help. Maybe in order for her to get to a healthier place she had to cut off all ties, but I’m sure on some level she appreciates what you did for her.
Sorry you had to go thru that, this friend never appreciated you. Sometimes being nice and caring for whatever reason good people get bulldozed by selfish people like this. They don’t value friendships because if they did they would nourish the relationship and meet halfway. I’ve had 2 close friends do this later on I realized they both had the exact same qualities. Both would put a guy before a friendship, never come through on plans, only called or talked when they needed something and I finally hit a point where I was done with this poor treatment. With some self reflection I asked myself what type of people have I allowed in my life and for what reasons. I realized by never speaking up I also allowed them to treat me this way that my friendship wasn’t as important. I had a soft spot for helping broken women because watching my own mother dealing with so much from my father put her through. I was always making excuses for other people or would blame myself. I finally realized by looking around people who want friends will make time for dinner or brunch or an event. They aren’t checking if they can go or asking permission they simply make time because girl time is important to them. Real friends share conversations it isn’t always about them and check in time to time. Real friends add value to your life and are there for the good times and the bad. But anyone who’s heart wasn’t in it well they are never going to be invested in a friendship. I’ve always believed true friendship is a gift. People grow up and move on if needs aren’t being met. If anyone was the bad friend hopefully you can admit this, apologize and own some responsibility to move towards a better direction.
haha.. i so know the feeling of upset when you hear through the grapevine of their nasty comments.
i have a similar situation with a family member.. not only have i finally made the choice to let her go, but in doing that i had to also make the choice to avoid most family functions. i would like to see more articles about issues like this inside of families… because when their toxic manipulations and lies affect family relationships it is so very painful and that much more difficult to forgive.
That’s a shame. I wouldn’t avoid family functions. I would try hard to be kind and patient with the other person. No matter how badly they behave. I know it’s not easy but sometimes we have to do things we don’t like. It’s surprising how much a friendly face, smile and laid-back attitude can deal with difficult family members.
i once would have agreed with you and have done my best to do that for most of my life.. unfortunately it hasn’t worked and it has taken a toll on me to be attacked time and again. there are limits to the abuse anyone should take for the sake of their family and in my case i have to chose between them and being the very best me i can be for my children. i think it’s okay to walk away from family when it is toxic.. however sad it’s okay.
I’d like to know….What do you do when you have a relationship like this with a family member.
me too!
That’s a very difficult one. If it’s family, then you’re stuck with them. So you might as well do your best to make it work. ‘Kill them with kindness’ as my Nana used to say. Be patient and always keep in mind that their bad behaviour isn’t anything personal. Always ask yourself ‘why are they behaving this way?’ – it’ll help you to understand their motivations and better deal with them. If none of that works, limit the time you spend with them and keep things very neutral and nice when you’re with them. Stick to small talk and if the conversation is turning nasty, just change the subject, make your excuses and leave. If you want to confront the family member, simply say to them the next time they’re cruel ‘It really hurts my feelings when you say things like that…’ Or something along those lines. Hope that helps. Katy
Thank you for the great article. I’ve recently wrestled with the same situation, but in this case feel like I was the other party. It’s terrible when you have to act in ways to bring someone down below your level, but at the time it felt like a temporary fix. I felt like I didn’t have to change or worse, because feelings were involved, felt justified in managing emotions I wasn’t honest about. It’s tough being cut off but a necessary one in that I have to accept myself. Of course both parties weren’t innocent so I’m doing my best to understand things and move on. We are who we attract and who we want to be is who we are attracted to. Ergo, the fault we see in our friends and companions is the fault we see in ourselves.
Thanks Mungry_Soldier. It’s great that you’re trying to figure out what went wrong but don’t dwell on it. Be brutally honest with yourself, admit your mistakes and then make sure you learn from them. That way, the next time you make some new friends you won’t repeat them. Don’t be hard on yourself either – we’ve all been ‘the other party’. Trust me.
I know this is old, but I just want to say congratulations for taking responsibility for your actions. What ever you said or did may hurt the other person, but I truly believe if you lie to yourself, you are stuck and that ends up hurting you more. Even if you can’t ever admit it face to face to that person, being honest with yourself and those closest to you about the situation is sure to bring healing and hopefully both of you can heal and find happiness in your own unique ways.
I admire that you take accountability (some at least) and that you’ve genuinely reflected on it meaning you don’t justify any bad behavior on your part and you don’t automatically blame the other party. Most of us have been on both ends for one reason or another. I got dumped by a friend. I don’t know that I deserved it, but I sure understand it. I wasn’t there for her. She was alone and lonely and didn’t make the time for her that she needed…and frankly deserved. I was impatient and self-absorbed with my own life. I should have made her more of a priority, but I didn’t and alas, she dumped me. I’m sorry because not only did I lose her as a friend, but I know I hurt her even though I didn’t mean to. I learned alot from that and I’ll never do it again.
Reading this has really hit me. I have someone in my life that I continue to dwell on – will we ever really be friends again? Every time I see her, she just tortures me with giving me the silent treatment and then when we talk, she continually tells me how I ruined our friendship and seemingly pulls reasons out of a hat for what I did (things that I don’t remember happening, but I’ll let her see it how she wants.) This just truly opens my eyes that I have to forgive her, I understand that she is unhappy with herself and her life and that she chooses me and other friends to attack, to get this anger and aggression out on.
Thank you for helping me realize it’s time to let go and move on. I have to chose me and get away from the negativity polluting my life.
Hi Kristina – you’re not being a bad person for choosing to walk away. I would just become ‘busy’ as that’s a kinder way to let someone go. There’s no point in informing the other person that ‘things are over’. Just become ‘unavailable’ and the friendship will naturally die out.
For me, friendships these days tend to happen naturally. I don’t force anything, I just see where things go. Friendships shouldn’t have to be an effort. They should be fun! 🙂
I struggled with executing this tactic with one of my oldest friends with whom I had always had a toxic relationship. I felt trapped for the entire relationship due to the fact that we went throughout school together, had mutual friends, family members who are married to each other, and he is still very close to my younger sister. I tried distancing myself gradually over time but thanks to modern technology, fights would break out every time he sensed I was doing this because everybody can technically “make” time for texts, messages, phone calls, etc. I felt like I had no choice and I regret having to sit him down and basically end things, but it was already so toxic that I felt like I had no other choice. He still continues to reach out to me and communicate with me through my sister (which only angers me more) but I think enough time has passed that it has become clear that we are both better off this way. I still struggle with feelings of guilt and anxiety about the awful things that were said to me and about me behind my back, but I’m learning to forgive him and pray for him and his wellbeing.
Katy, this was a great column. Especially the comments and answer about family members. And one other difficult dimension is “breaking up” with someone who was a friend or was becoming one. That question of “what happened” can leave the other person at an uncomfortable loss or hurt. How do you easily and blamelessly disengage from the relationship? Any thoughts
Hi dfree – it’s quite simple. Just stop making an effort. This doesn’t make you heartless or nasty. You simply take a step back. If a relationship is meant to happen, it’ll happen naturally anyway, i.e. you’ll want to pick up the phone and speak to that person because it feels natural and the right thing to do. If you’re having to force yourself to call that person, it’s probably because they’re not right for you… Or it’s a pretty good indication that something isn’t right.
I wonder… we know what suits us when it comes to clothes. So why do we feel so bad about changing our social circles? People are like clothes. We try them on, some suit us… some don’t. Some are classics that’ll stay with us forever. Others might be like a gorgeous old pair of jeans that we hardly ever wear but sometimes they’ll come out of the back of the wardrobe for a night on the town. Or there are those dodgy clothes that once looked good on us but just don’t fit or feel right anymore.
It’s nothing to feel bad about. People move on. And there is only so much room for a certain number of friends anyway. So make sure you fill it with people who make you think, laugh and smile. People who are just positive and happy to be around.
If there is someone in your life that you’ve outgrown, it’s time to make room for a new wardrobe.
Amazing how things happen at just the right time : ) After reading this I felt such a sense of calm come over me. A very welcoming feeling after a whirlwind of emotions today. Grateful.
Thanks – I hope you’re ok and get sorted 🙂
I’ve got a close friend that I’ve known for 15 years, we grew up together & she’s always been self centred and selfish but I expected her to grow out of it as she grew up, I feel disappointed in her as she’s treated people badly recently, I don’t feel like she cares when she asks how a situation I’m in is, she just wants the gossip. I want to distance myself completely but I know she will bad mouth me to people who’s opinions matter & say I’ve gone weird. I do also feel bad after being friends for so long, seems a shame to end that now, I just don’t know the best way to handle it? x
Totally understand your reasons for wanting to hang on – you feel as though you’ve ‘put in’ all those years and it would be a shame to waste all that effort. Or.. you could look at it from a different perspective, i.e. do you want to waste anymore precious time on someone who treats you badly?
Also – you say that you worry she’ll badmouth you if you distance yourself. This shows you’re worried about what other people think. It’s very difficult but you have to stop caring. Don’t – by all means – turn into someone who’s catty or nasty. Just be really civil with this friend but don’t make the effort anymore. Don’t call her, don’t email, don’t tweet. Just take a step back. And if she contacts you – be nice, be genuinely nice. Say ‘Hey.. how you doing? What’ve you been up to?’ Forget all the past and just treat her on face value. If she asks where you’ve been or complains she hasn’t seen you for a while, say ‘I know, I’ve been so rubbish – sorry but life has been really busy lately.’ And leave it at that. Turn her into a friendly acquaintance – someone you can still be friendly with. And hey – she might change and things might work out… always have that in mind!
Remember, you can move away from friends amicably. You don’t have to fall out with anyone or be mean. Just gently and kindly let them go. One day, you’ll wonder what the fuss was about. x
That completely makes sense, thank you x
i can relate my ex boyfriend who i was madly in love with was toxic to my soul as well as the few people in his life. I realize they would call me names talk behind my back, so bad for my whole being. I let them go and hope they can learn to love themselves and not feed into that drama. co- dependency and putting one down. Great artical
I’ve been there. It’s not nice. You wonder what you did wrong. How you could’ve done things differently. If you should change as a person. Then you realise that it’s their problem, not yours. For all the negative people we come across, they always teach us a valuable lesson. And they always lead to a happier social circle as we learn to avoid certain characters and instead fill our lives with the type of people we really want to be, and be with.
What about when the friend is in your friendship group. This is a problem my mum has. The friendship is very toxic, but my mum must see this woman regularly as the whole group gets together and the woman’s husband is my dad’s best friend. She puts up with it, and acts nicely but as soon as she is home complains about her. I don’t like seeing her unhappy or stressed, but can’t exactly tell her to just avoid her..
This is difficult and very common. The thing is – you’re not going to like everyone, and everyone isn’t going to like you. So it’s a case of acceptance, i.e. accepting the other person and striving to find the good in that person. There is absolutely, without question, good in everyone. It’s not easy to dispel negative feelings towards people we don’t like but it’s a good practice of tolerance and kindness, I guess. Your mum should just work on her own reaction to this person, control it and turn it into something positive. Not easy, I know. But it might help.
I let go of a relationship just like the one you described…it was tough letting go, but I knew that the friendship was quite toxic to my whole being. I have moved one and forgiven her. But there are those times when she is mentioned and the memories rush back like a movie reel. It will take time to truly forgive her completely.
Yes, it’s difficult isn’t it. It’s because we’re hurt and sometimes miss that friendship, and we wonder where it went so wrong. I think it’s important to remember that people aren’t perfect and that things sometimes don’t work out. It is hard to forgive when someone has done so many wrongs towards us. But one day, you will wake up and genuinely forgive – time is a great healer.
Dear Katy, Do you know me ?? or Did I share things about me ?? These thoughts were running in my mind while reading this amazing article… Felt like as if it was me who is writing this..I went through the same and not even once ..many times! and Nature plus God helped me and I always win with a positive attitude while moving on. I give my best to the relations I have and somehow deep within there is a voice – If they don’t value you ..Move On! Not worth to stay …There are so many good and special frens who know your worth and value your happiness :). But Katy…what if few of them gave you unconditional love and is now angry ..not ready to listen even after begging and crying. Reason… that I didn’t share about my personal stuffs. I have asked forgiveness from God cause they were hurt 🙁 cause of me..but I always pray for their happiness. Anways.God bless you Katy ! Thank you so much for making me feel better
I think friends should be people who care about you, who make you laugh, who are just easy-going and who don’t place any demands on you. Friends are people you can go without seeing for six months and then pick up where you left off with ease. Friends should be fun.
thank you Katy !
What a lovely write up ……sometimes it is not very easy to walk away ….and still we need to let go …and then these articles help ..
You are right maddy, these articles are wake up calls for us to accept what we know in our heart is the best to do… but because of fear of any kind we deny it…
I love all of your post! This one really summarized my friendships for the last 3 years. When I was with these friends, I would just get so stressed out. I never knew what kind of drama to expect. What lies they would tell or what mess I would have to clean up. I started to cut out all the negative people out of my life one by one. Those who did not deserve my friendship any longer. I told myself, I deserve better. I don’t need many friends, just a few true ones.
It’s just a case of striving to have a life without ‘drama’. If bananas, for example, make you feel sick – you won’t eat them will you! So why hang around with people who cause bad feeling? It’s always better to surround yourself with people who make you feel great.
I had a best friend for 16 years that I had to let go three years ago. We had been friends since I was 8 years old, would talk about in High School how we’d end up in a nursing home together watching football. When I found out all the horrible things she had said about me behind my back to our friends and my fiance, even though she made fun of my hobbies, I forgave her, even tried to continue the friendship. But it was about what I could do for her rather than anything else and she admits that with no remorse. I just find it hard to believe. When I got married, I turned around, almost expecting her to be standing behind me as one of my brides maids but she wasn’t there. I feel like I was a bad friend even three years later but my husband assures me I wasn’t. This piece I consider the start of me finally accepting the decision that I made. Thank you.
A really great post. This part particularly hit home for me : But doesn’t this mean we give up on those negative friends? Surely, if we are to live a compassionate and kind-hearted life, shouldn’t we be there for them?
I struggle with the idea of “giving up” on people I care about. But ultimately, if these individuals are causing us pain, we can still care about them and wish them well without allowing them to permeate our lives with negativity. I’ve found that there are different levels of toxic, so there are some friends who I only share certain parts of my life with, the parts where I know they can’t hurt me.
Loved it.
Just what I needed to hear/read from someone at this moment. 🙂
Thank you Thank you Thank you. :):)
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am dealing with letting go of toxic people in both romantic and platonic situations. I have a friend that I have had for years that does nothing but try to engage me in competitiveness and one-upmanship. I am not a competitive person by nature and letting go of a friendship that causes me so much stress and unhappiness is hard because we have a lot of memories together. I am also letting go of a romantic relationship with someone who is deeply troubled and unhappy. It’s hard for me, because I think I can make people happy. I just wrote in my own journal today that I am not responsible for making anyone happy but myself. I can enhance the lives of people who are already happy, as my good friends enhance mine, but that is totally different from making someone happy, like themselves, have higher self-esteem, etc.
For some time I tried to figure out why a friend of mine was always so angry with me. Each time she saw me she hardly ever failed to criticize my hair, my table manners, my conversational style, or to let me know that she thought I was a know it all. Within the last year she just became meaner and ruder. After talking to a couple of people who happened to not be in my regular circle of friends, they helped me to see exactly what you described in this post. I was not necessarily doing anything wrong; my friend’s unhappiness was increasing because of circumstances she allowed in her life. She would become very defensive when I tried to have talks with her. I saw her “cut out” other longterm friendships over minor misspoken/misinterpreted words that she blew up to be gigantic insults. I am saddened to have lost this friendship, but I feel more at peace knowing that I will not have to deal with her behavior. I know that her behavior stems from her inability to appropriately address and resolve her own problems. I wish her well.
Friendships shouldn’t have to be hard work. They should be fun, joyous and well, friendly. All of the friends I have in my life are wonderful right now. They don’t demand anything of me. They love me. We have lots of laughs. There’s mutual respect and understanding. Sure, if one of us needs a shoulder to cry on – we’re there in an instance! I guess when you hang around with people who are happy with themselves, you’re not going to experience any issues.
I liked this post.
People can’t “make” me feel anything. They can behave recklessly or rudely or even cruelly, but I must take responsibility for my thoughts and my strategies in dealing with them.
I believe everyone is doing the best they can for the day. It is easier for me to forgive today because I recognize that I too have been, and can be, the perpetrator, the one who lashes out.
We can’t control how others behave, but we can control how we react and who we choose to hang around with. Blessings 🙂
This is/was very ironic I’m reading this now b/c… sometimes I think I’m hanging onto what may be a “toxic” friendship and hurts to think of letting it go. I have done my best with this person at advicing, being there, supporting, Forgiving, & just Loving yet they don’t always return that & I don’t feel they care to at times- that hurts. :/
Needed this so badly….. I need to just forgive & let it go!
If we have the time and are emotionally strong then we can try to convert a potentially toxic friendship by working it out with the person. But most times, especially when we have to self analyze or take a time out from this ‘friend’ just to heal, then its time to say bye. In the long run we have to remind ourselves that its not our responsibility to shoulder our friends toxicity(however be their situation, duty starts from the self and taking care of ourselves is the first step towards taking care of others) and letting go is the best thing for both. I have been in a toxic friendship/ relationship and this is something I learned the hard way
Great article. So many headliners on toxic friendships are just nasty and stereotype different “types” of bad friends. We’ve probably all been “toxic” at some point ourselves so being nasty about “toxic” friends is counterproductive, but this approach is so much healthier. I had to do a lot of caregiving as a kid, and I now just expect that that’s my role, it’s what I’m supposed to do, and I’m not allowed to have needs of my own, like I exist to help others. Now that I’m “waking up” and realizing how I had allowed people to drain me without asking/needing anything in return, I’m setting the boundaries and letting friendship die naturally where they were unhealthy/imbalanced. Sadly I’ve often found that once I stop bending over backward for draining people and/or start asking for them to meet some of my needs for a change, they’re happy to drop the friendship. But then when I respect myself and my needs, as well as others, I attract more people who are capable of having real friendships and enjoy my time with them more than I ever thought was possible for friends! People treat you exactly how you allow them to treat you; and even though it’s not about going around and demanding respect, it IS ok to graciously let people roll on by and off your skin if they don’t show you the respect we all deserve as human beings.
This post and your comment ‘commentgal8’ have really struck a chord with me. I too was a care-giver as a child and you’re right, it does make you feel as though its your ‘calling’ in life and I find that over the years I have taken that role in a lot of friendships, often without being asked to if I’m honest, but its just a natural progression for me…or was. I am now a new(ish) mum and have struggled with some challenging times since being at home with my son…now that I need support I have sadly found it lacking from a lot of those people who relied so heavily on me in the past. I am starting to realise that for my own self esteem I need to let some of those people drift off, without blame, and try to forge more healthy future friendships for myself. I deserve to let myself have more equal relationships…its hard though! I have yet to come out the other side so wish me luck!
I wish you luck and I know you will do it, eventually if not sooner. I am the youngest in my family and yet I was always the matriarch of everyone. Go figure! My mother was a mess. My older brother moved away. My older sister became an alocholic. My younger brother came along when I was 16 and he was the joy of my life. They all came/come to me when they’re having problems. I always helped clean up their messes. I was the rational one who stayed calm and just listened. I am not a reactive person. I think before I move. If you’re like this, no wonder you’re the glue that holds everybody else together. You are the steady rock that the neorotics are drawn to. They don’t know how to be rational and mature, but you were born like that. It is a good thing to be the sane person who is known for making everything better. The down side is yes, when we are in need, we usually have to take care of ourselves. They can’t reciprocate, even if they wanted to, because they aren’t capable. They don’t have your strength and character. I see a light at the end of the tunnel for you, though. My son is so much like me…a thinker and compassionate. Your child will probably be like that too, like you and you did that! Aren’t you proud? I am.
Thanks for your comment – and Domino’s. This is a very interesting perspective. I wasn’t a care-giver, but I’ve always been caring. And you’re right! If you are a certain way, you do tend to attract a certain type. Once you start to realise that and respect yourself – i.e. not allowing others to use, abuse or drain you – you stop attracting them. You start to welcome new friends, people who are the opposite. It’s enlightening to realise.
I especially like your last sentence. It is okay to graciously let people roll on by…if they don’t show you the respect we all deserve..
For some of us who are particularly maternal or compassionate, we do tend to be taken for granted or taken advantage of. Once I let go of my frenemy and started making new friends that I consciously chose, I was surprised how easy it was to make new friends and how some of my new friends and I just seemed to gravitate toward eachother like it was waiting to happen. I suppose I have more in common in with these new friends because I chose them based on specific traits and what I liked about them. That doesn’t mean I think I can only be friends with people who are just like me, but I do think there’s something to be said for having some basic foundation-type morals, priorities, and goals in common. All I know is every single one of my new friends is kind, positive, and respectful. There are people in my life now who would give me their last dime if I asked and I would do the same for them. I must have changed somewhere along the way, because the people I am drawn to now and who are attracted to me, are very different than the kind of people I used to consider friends. I think I just accepted teh people who were already in my life rather than sought out. Perhaps I was less confident back then or just lazy. But I digress. My point is you are right. Respect begets respect. It is a great thing to have kindness and positivity rewarded with uber kindness and positivity.
Oh wow, I know Exactly what you’re going through! I too, had a so-called girlfriend from gradeschool, we met at the age of ten or so and had many life experiences together, first boyfriends, first kisses with boys and eventually first husbands then ex husbands as time went on, all along, she would always want to date my ex boyfriends from the time we were in grade school to the present and that was something I never could understand. I always tried to overlook her jealousies toward me as she had been kidnapped and raped as a child an I’m sure that affected her deeply and I allowed that to be the reason why she would abuse me. The last straw was at our ages 52, my mother passed away recently and my so-called girlfriend started making hurtful innuendos as to how I could stand myself after all my mother and my relationship had been difficult, and I finally decided to cut her off, by that time I was no longer taking her calls or text messages so she started contacting my son and my ex (my sons father) on Facebook to try and give him Negative comments about me, until my son reported her and I got off Facebook and had to change my phone number. Once I did that I sighed a Big Sigh Of Relief! Suffice it to say that the girlfriend I thought I had of over 40 years was just Bondage and once I cut the cord I became a happier person. In spite of the pain she caused me, I’m grateful for the happier times we shared as kids and I forgive the toxic person she became and wish her well, I believe The Bible calls that Unevenly Yoked.
Excellent post Katy. Recently this year, I have decided to let go of a couple of friends that I have grown up with. My relationship with them was toxic, and my life the past year was in turmoil with them trying to bring me down every chance that they had. I think the hardest thing for me to come to terms to is that people change, and perhaps they will never come back. But this year, I grew sick of being treated horribly, and I simply shut them out of my life. I still have class with one of them this year as well. I can see that at times he is trying to bring back our friendship. But I will never turn back. This is the first time I have ever chosen to stick to my guns because for the first time, I have realized how terrible I felt around them. They will be forever gone in my life because even if I can forgive them, I will never forget. To anyone reading this (though I doubt it), if you have someone like that in your life, perhaps you should simply cut them off. It’s not worth it, at least it sure wasn’t for me then or for me now. It feels weird for me to post something like this (I rarely make comments on the internet EVER), but now it’s too late to stop. I even feel a slight sense of pride, knowing perhaps, by the slimmest of chance, that I am helping someone out there. Good luck out there, and please, life is too short to worry about the people who shouldn’t matter.
Excellent post, I have this Friend, we were inseperable, almost exactly the same People However she started putting me down in front of other people, and if I was ever quiet she would email our boss saying he is moody again (found this email by chance) Manager stuck up for Bullier. So Angry
I can relate to this. When you spend less time with toxic friends and spend it with positive friends, you realize how better you feel. I hate to compare friends but that was the deal-breaker for me. Sometimes, people are afraid to walk away because they have known the person for a long time and they feel obligated to stay friends. But we have to be brutally honest with ourselves. I’m glad you shared. Maybe your friends might see this post and think otherwise but you’re right, life’s too short!
You explained in detail what I learned at the core of my being….Life is too short to spend it with mean people…..Pray for your enemies and forgive them, while demanding accountability
Awww that’s what it is for me ~ accountability. Nobody wants to be held accountable for their actions.
During my senior year at college, I moved into an 8 person suite on campus with my friends. The 7 of us thought it would be good and a lot of fun. Unfortunately, after September and as October began passing, I noticed a change in all of them. I had been busy with schoolwork (as I’m a Senior, a few others are too, but I have projects that take hours to complete, some group projects and others solo).
Anyways, they began distancing themselves. I would still sit int he room I shared with my friend and roommate with my door open even if I was doing homework that I could do while at the dorm. Then, they stopped asking me if I wanted to go out and get food or go to an event on campus. I thought it strange but then it began getting worse.
I was the President of the club we were all in, my roommate was the Vice President. I would do things that benefited the club and club members but they didn’t always like what I did. Then as we prepared for our Halloween event, it got worse. Between Columbus Day and Halloween was when it got worse. They began calling me names and wanted me impeached. All behind my back.
My Roommate (who I roomed with last year and was very very close to) began taking their sides or saying nothing at all. There was one girl, who would be considered the ‘Leader’ of the group. She got everyone to follow her in the suite and I was called names, among other things. I hated being there. It began to drive me into a deep depression and I would avoid my room unless I had to go there to sleep.
Eventually, come a Monday morning right before Halloween, I went to the Housing Office at 7:30 and got a room request change and moved later that day. I told my roommate right before I moved out that I was moving out. But before I got the chance, she began criticizing me about how poor I was being President of the Club. After she finished, I told her I was moving okay and all she said was “Okay”. A few mutual friends between my suite mates and I helped me move out. I couldn’t even stand to spend another minute there if I didn’t have to. During the move, the friends (who did not live in the suite) who were helping me move, heard my suite mates talking badly about me, I didn’t hear as I was concentrated on packing up everything quickly.
I survived the rest of the semester going to club and then stepping down at the end because I didn’t want to deal with the stress because this Spring semester is my last semester. Now I do sometimes see them around campus and I ignore them if they’re a distance away, but if I’m near them (such as some of the eatery places) I cringe and grab my food and quickly hurry to the cashier (or even turn around and leave without eating) so I don’t have to deal with them. If I’m with other people, I’m fine, but when I’m by myself, I just remember how terrible they made me feel.
I’m still trying to get over what happened. I never expected that people I considered friends, that I hung out with, would all gang up on me at once. I don’t talk to them and I’ve deleted and blocked them from social sites. Sometimes I’ll remember how they treated me then remember now I have a nice place and that there are people who treat me nice, but the feeling returns.
I know that I wont have to worry about it until after I graduate, but that’s still a few months away.
THIS ARTICLE WAS SO RIGHT ON THE MONEY. I HAD NO IDEA THERE WERE SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE WHO I CAN RELATE TO. I HAVE A BEST FRIEND WHO CRIES WOLF 24/7 FOR 15 YEARS SHE TELLS STRANGERS THE REASON SHE HAS THIS CYST IS BECAUSE OF PROBLEMS WITH HER FAMILY BLAH BLAH. SHE CANT HANDLE IT WHEN I BUY SOMETHING SHE BUYS IT TOO JUST SO MUCH BS TO ADD TO THIS . THINKING ABOUT THIS MAKES ME ILL. WASTING MY TIME ON HER. JUST GLAD THERE’S PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT CAN RELATE . ANYONE IN LA AREA SEND ME A TEXT MAYBE WE CAN DO COFFEE.
Ty for this. I recently ended a toxic friendship with a friend with alcohol issues. I wondered for a while if it was me. A year ago I lost another friend to cancer. I think I wanted this friendship to work out so badly I didn’t care about myself or feelings or bad judgement. At the end of the day I got burned and told that I was the one that needed help.
I am so glad I came across this article as it really put things into perspective for me. I took that difficult step to slowly let go of my friendship with my best friend. I didn’t realise what I was doing – all I knew was that I couldn’t deal with her demanding nature and cutting words. It had been going on for some time, but what made me take that step was because of a petty argument. That argument, made me think of a lot of things about our friendship. I spent a lot of time thinking about her behaviour towards me and I decided one day to just keep my distance from her. She figured out that I was unsettled about something but she never did more to save our friendship. It hit me hard as all this while whenever she gave me the silent treatment or was plain difficult to deal with, I was the one who made sure we were okay again.
We didn’t talk for months after the argument and I knew that the friendship was over. Still, I didn’t want it to be that way between us and I called her up one day. This was a little over a year ago. Now, we are more like acquaintances than the best friends we used to be. I last talked to her months ago and I haven’t seen her over a year – though we live only two minutes away. Sometimes, I still regret taking that first step to end our friendship. Memories of what we were like still play in my mind. However, I know that all that happened was for the best. Without her around me, I now know how much she had impacted my life. I have a different set of good friends now, but none I am close to as I was with her. When people compliment me on my looks or hair, I get surprised as she used to make degrading comments to me about those. I find it an achievement that I have several good friends now, as she used to tell me that I could never make new friends. I’m not saying that all was bad with her – she could be amazing at times and I enjoyed spending time with her – which made it difficult for me to realise how toxic she had become. We could laugh and talk for hours but at the same time, she could mercilessly point out my flaws. She could tell me I was great and put me down as well. She would constantly pull me into arguments. As much as I loved her company, it made me prickly too. Being friends with her was like an emotional rollercoaster. I never knew when we would fight or be alright.
I am still learning to properly forgive and let go of her. When some of my friends talk about her or when I think of how we used to be like, I still feel a bit of pain. Maybe we could run into each other and be friends again but if that didn’t happen, I wouldn’t be sorry either. I’m moving on and I completely will one day.
Hi there – I think life is about chapters. We grow, we change, we move on. Sometimes we have to put people down and pick up new ones. Even though those old friends might not be right for us now, we shouldn’t close our hearts completely to them. Other people can grow, change and move on too. I think the best piece of advice anyone ever gave me came from my husband. He said something like ‘Now is all we have, so don’t dwell on the past or worry about what’s happening next – just focus on that person right at that moment!’ He’s right of course. None of us are perfect. But most of us are improving, growing and getting better at dealing with ourselves and others. So if you did bump into your old pal again – and she seemed nice and open to being friendly, that’s great! Keep an open heart and try not to let past experiences cloud the vision of what’s happening at that very moment. Oh so difficult – but won’t you feel great for keeping an open mind? 😀
thank you so much, i needed to read this. it’s exactly what i’ve been figuring out this year, and here it is, all put into words. i have a room-mate right now which is almost identical to how you describe… i know the right thing to do, is to practice patience, and that’s what i’ve been doing. thank you.
Hi I don’t normally post things on the internet but this article is spot on. I had a friend who I had met at university. We were friends for nearly 4 years. I must admit she was a caring and thoughtful person however there were many times that we would have many arguments but I was always the one with the horrible temper and would say just anything to hurt her. The downfall is we would normally argue at her house and her family would get involved. I was going through a hard situation in my family and because we would argue on many days I lied and said we should keep our distance from each other because I didn’t want my anger and stress to be taken out on her.
We had a presentation to do and I didn’t speak to her throughout it I know it was rather pathetic and I should of been civil but other parties were there and friends of mine at the time and decided to take her side and feel awkward with me. I left and didn’t do the presentation, later that day she contacted me saying that issues shouldn’t get in the way of work. I swore at her and told her to get lost yet she was still persistent in talking to me. She said everyone can tell you have issues which made me realise she had been speaking behind my back with others. I had formed a close friendship with her parents as I didn’t have a strong bond with mine and she threw it back in my face by telling me they want nothing more to do with me it hurt me and I deleted her number and blocked her from contacting me we haven’t spoken in months and I saw her but she walked off and acted like I didn’t exist so I did the same. I have always been there for her when she need me and visa versa I know I am difficult to deal with but I’ve always encouraged her and motivated her to do great things,but now that were not friends she’s turned other people against me. Because I am rude and don’t like to sort out things urgently does that make me a bad or negative person? I’m finding it hard to move on because she was very important in my life.
This is only my opinion, but i don’t think even those that are the instigators to be neccesarily, “bad people”. It is more of an issue of self esteem, character or just plain temperment. I would attempt to love yourself first and get yourself in order if that is lacking. Part of that process may be asking her for forgiveness or just writing a letter and not sending it. Whatever you can do to improve yourself and grow positively will help you move past any negativity. Maybe one day you can be friends again, but focusing on yourself (or taking the focus off of yourself by volunteering) and not worrying about the expectations of others will allow both healing and happiness to emerge.
You said yourself you purposely said things to hurt her. You have a horrible temper. You argued with her in front of her family. You say you are rude. You walked out on a presentation (work) because you were mad at her. She tried to talk to you about that civilly, but you cussed her out and shut her down. I’m not going to judge harsh and say you’re a rotten person. If it’s bothering you, that tells me you definitely have a conscience. However, you do sound like you have some serious issues that go beyond just being difficult. Maybe you should seek counselling or therapy. You’re not going to like me saying this but you asked – you sound immature. I say that because mature people do not have temper tantrums, cuss people out and ditch a work project where you are depended on for your part. I also don’t think it’s automatically bad to talk about friends among friends. If the talk is to disparage or hurt them, then sure it’s wrong, but be honest, who does not talk about each other? Family talks about other family not present. Friends talk about other friends not present. It isn’t all evil. It is natural to vent on people about people they know too. We have worries, concerns, thoughts and who better to be a sounding board than others that know them too? It’s actually good for gaining insight and other perspectives. You need to apologize and with out any “but…”. Just apologize. Own your bad behavior and tell her your working on it. Do not make excuses or start in with what she did wrong. That completely cancels out an apology.
I am about to let go of a toxic friendship. I have done all the things i needed to do, such as talking to the administrative office (as we are still in high school) and I am prepared to wait out the rest of the year, which is not long. She angers me sometimes, but like with everything else, i quickly forget it and move on with my life. I know that she is the way she is for a reason, and if i don’t know her, if i’ve not felt the same pains she did, the same joys, the same feelings, then i cannot judge her. But even if she is the way she is because she’s unhappy and needs my help, i’m going to leave, because this sort of relationship hurts me now, and will hurt her in the future. I can’t wait to begin my new life next year with her moved to the back row in the theatre of my life, and i will be sure not to become her doormat once more. She’ll get the chance to build her own strengths and become reliable for herself, while i will rebuild the confidence and self esteem that she’s crumbled, and hopefully i can return to happier times.
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Great article. Would you have done the same steps if this person was family: ie one of your parents or your inlaws?
Do you think there are different standards for family. Interested to hear your thoughts on that. Thanks!
I think family is a difficult one. I’m not sure! I don’t have all the answers. Depends what they did! 🙂
Thank you so much for this post! I was the one to walk away from a best friendship and I didn’t know how to handle it at the time as I was so emotionally drained and
Constantly thinking everything was my fault. Because I didn’t end it well I have had guilt for years and still feel I am to blame. This post and these messages make my heart feel lighter! Thank you again!
I had a former friend who was very good at putting up a sweet, helpful, friendly front, but the longer I knew her, I learned all her dirty little secrets, which I felt very burdened by. She cheated on every guy I’d seen her with, she refused to better or support herself, and despite all of what I thought were blatantly apparent flaws, nobody seemed to notice. Only once I learned that despite all I’d tried to do to help her and support her, she’d been poisoning other acquaintances about me, behind my back, as well. I could never understand why people would clam up or avoid me when she was around, and, like most people, didn’t want to come to the realization that these people *really were* talking about me behind my back. Eventually, this girl grew more and more angry and resentful toward me one I began pulling back the reins – I stopped paying for her to spend time with me (she never had any money although she never seemed to stop shopping, go figure) and eventually stopped agreeing to ferry her all over the state (she lost her license over some stupid thing or another.)
After I stopped associating with her, I learned the worst of her back-stabbing took place once this happened (we worked for the same organization, and I left out of sheer exasperation with the politics/drama she created) and returned only to find most of the people had adopted her mentality toward me, that I was this monster who’d stolen from her and tried to ruin her life. Now, every time I encounter this group of people, I’m saddled with the burden of defending myself and explaining where all her anger is coming from.
In the end, cutting ties has created more of a burden than before in that I’m worn down from having to constantly defend myself against her lies and gossip. I feel drained, and I’ve completely lost any sense of self-worth, confidence, or esteem – even though it’s been years since we split ties. I try to tell myself I’m okay, etc, but every time I’m confronted with these accusations, it starts all over again, and I’m back to square one. I’d explain why we have the same acquaintances, but not in a public forum.
Anyway, any advice, aside from leaving the area (can’t do that) would be helpful.
Thanks.
One of the most important things I think to remember in your situation is that you can’t let yourself care what anyone else thinks. Remember your own self worth and loving yourself despite what others do or say will help alot. If you feel your self esteem isn’t the best, doing good deeds for others, even little nice things, will boost you up and make tolerating others much easier. Live the life you deserve which is a good one full of happiness.
respondwithlove is right. Don’t worry what other people think. They’re not even important in your life. I was fired from a job once and could not for the life of me figure out why this one board member had it in for me and orchestrated a plan to get me out. He told all these lies and accused me of stealing. He requested a private meeting with the other board members w/out my knowledge and they fired me – just on his word without ever speaking to me or asking me about any of these things. A year later, I learned he was having an affair with my now former director. He was old enough to be her father and was taking her to bars getting her liquored up. He left his wife for her. They both got fired for stealing “ideas” and they eventually had a kid together. I have since ran into some of those board members and others I’d worked with there who were pretty quick to dump me if only to avoid being guilty by association. Some know the truth about him (he was a predator who liked ’em young and she was an insecure alcoholic – teh prefect combo) and other’s don’t, but I almost find it amusing just due to teh sheer irony of it all. Who wound up being a theif? Who wound up being immoral, liars, and decievers? Wasn’t me. Don’t worry what those dolts think of you. They don’t even really know you and they don’t sound like they deserve to.
Thanks, jennyjustice. Ironically enough, I had a similar experience not long after the one I initially described where I worked for a very conservative organization like the one you seem to describe and was terminated after reporting the executive director (another dirty old man) grabbed me and attempted to drag me into the company elevator with him. I reported it first to my boss’s, spoke to his boss, who told me to speak with the HR director which was their chain of command. Within two months, an employee in an entirely separate department, and with whom I had very little contact, claimed I’d ‘hacked’ my boss’s email. He’d given me online sharing privileges in order to update his PDA calendar (really dating myself, here) and she somehow gained that information and promptly misinterpreted it as me being a hacker. I was terminated and left with nothing, and on top of that, my only friend was this sociopathic young woman as my relatives were too ashamed and believed the lies.
I can definitely relate to your story. I recently let go of a friend, who I thought we would be friends forever. Then, I realized she wasn’t a true friend. She didn’t care about me. I think the final straw was when she talked badly about me and said “she tells it like it is” and after that I deleted her phone number and that was that. I feel so much better after cutting that negativity out of my life. Seeing this article made me realize that this was the right thing to do. Thanks!
Let’s see, my first inclination is to say ‘there are two sides to every story’. I have friends that view me in this way, as the negative friend. The thing is, THEY do stuff they wont look at that creates anger. Nothing worse than trying to stay clear with a friend that shuts you down as soon as you try to air things out..OR..pretend they are the ones that are love and light and since you are a TOTAL human (with dark parts), that you have to cut loose. How compassionless. How cruel. How INACCURATE.
I understand it all! :/ but why does it have to be so dang hard!
Sometimes you have to let go and move on with a heavy heart and peace of mind. I had to end a friendship that lasted over 20 years. At first I was hurt, then I was angry. While I mourned I held bitterness in my heart. But forgiveness is a powerful tool. It is true what they say: some folks come into your life for a reason, some for a season, and other for a lifetime. If your friendship was just for a season, feel blessed for the wonderful time and the many smiles you shared. With peace in my heart I wish her all the best, knowing these truths; that our time together was priceless, pain can be forgiven but not forgotten, and that I don’t have to have a relationship with her to love her.
This was helpful. I always had this idea that we have to forgive and forget but you are right on. The pain inflicted by toxic friends will remain with us even though we might not deliberately think of the pain after time has passed. I haven’t fully reached a point where I’m able to recall the wonderful memories I’ve made with my toxic friends. Maybe I never will fully reach that point but I choose not to dwell in the past nor the pain.
This post is what I needed to read. I have been friends with someone for about 4 years. We thought we had a connection, lots of good talks, supporting each other. But I started to feel she pushed me away . she sent me one extensive email noting many things she would not like of myself or our friendship. I felt hurt, we talked about it, she apologised and we went on. But then some nasty comments, bad manners, yet another nasty email and some shouts on the phone. She wanted me to take a stand about her and letting me decide to continue to be friends or not. I decided to let it flow, keep the contact to the minimum and see how it goes. She apologised again, wished we could connect again “from a different place”. After some weeks she tells me she will go to a party for her bday and invites me. Then I see she also invited 300 facebook friends too, so I went with another friend. Sadly there were only six people who went to see her but the party was full of other strangers and good music. We got lost in the crowd. She came later asking how’s the party and I say “great, we are enjoying so much!” to which she left without saying a word. Sounds so childish but I am talking about 40 y.o. I thought I had to be compassionate and always do what she needed or asked but now I realize I was wrong. When I was happy she put me down, she would have judgments about myself and family. Being even envious of my marriage. I could not see it.I tthought letting her go was being a bad friend. Maybe it is on her eyes but I feel such a big relief. And since she is gone my other friends and family start to open up and tell me what they saw on her. Who can be best than your true loveones to give you that perspective. I feel so free now, how come I could not do this before? I think keeping ourselves to this type of relationships is a clear sign of self harm. I am glad I moved on and to have found this post and your comments on it. Be happy!
I think sometimes when we first meet someone at a young time in our life, we can grow apart. I know that happened with my bf that I let go. Even though we were sort of opposites from the start, the toxicity got really bad in our 30s. I’ve figured out we both changed and not in the same ways or in the same directions. I sought security ath that point – in my work, a home, marrying, starting a family. She sought to be young again – partying, living life in the fast lane, wanting materials things and being foot loose and fancy free. Those differences not only made us clash, but she didn’t know what was good for her and her choices at the time, although they’re what she thought she wanted, she came to regret and resent that I didn’t follow the same path. So, when she came to a point of wanting to reprioritize her life and goals, I was already married, settled, had a great job with lots of potential and a future, bought a home, had a baby and while everybody else was happy for me, she resented the heck out of me and it came out in all these obnoxious and mean passive aggressive behaviors. As much as she hurt me in her attempts to make herself look better or feel better, I actually feel sorry for her because it must be really hard to want things that every woman wants and you don’t have any of it, but your best friend has it all and it’s in your face every time you see or talk to her. I don’t condone what she did to me – obviously, because I let her go, but I do understand where it came from. I didn’t do anything wrong to bring out the ick in her but I sure do hold myself accountable for keeping it bottled up and not communicating each and every time she did something crappy. I should have called her out on it right when it happened, every time it happened. Instead, I kept it inside until it bubbled up and I snapped. My “snap” was simply not speaking to her anymore….ever. I just stopped answering the phone, stopped calling, and that was it. I see my son’s friend trying to be cool around girls or in sports and making jokes at my son’s expense and I tell my son to call his friend out on that crap. Don’t just ditch him. Tell him why you dont’ want to play with him anymore. Tell him you don’t want to hang out with him if he’s going to try to look cool by putting you down. I want my son to be a better communicator than I am. Why am I so put off by any kind of confrontation? It doesn’t have to be violent or even volatile, so what it is that I’m afraid of?
This made me really sad. I had three best friends all decide I was a toxic friend and cut me out ten months after I began to come to terms that I had depresion and started improving myself. I was flawed, but I always apologised and made up for my mistakes, and allowed them to when they made them. They all started to make up lies about me and spread them to eachother and lie to me about it, and eventually told me they were mad over what they felt happened ten months ago. They wouldn’t let me talk to them about it or try to fix it, even when I told them I’d been emailing a counsellor for months. They couldn’t let go and I realise now our roles had totally flipped. I was no longer the irrational one starting arguments, I was the only fair one in it all. And it was them who didn’t deserve me any more. Love the article but it forgets to mention sometimes you have to take a look at what happens in that friends’ life and realise bad times don’t erase all the good.
I truly hope you find healing and I’m sending love and peace your way. Hopefully you are already experiencing the joy you deserve.
I feel the same way, I just don’t know how to stop being bitter and move on any tips? I’m sure ill be seeing her in a wedding coming up and I’m dreading it. Even though its the wedding of my best friend and I’m in it and she’s just a guest I hate that I’m feeling affected by her still.
Hi Emma – I can only give you this tip. You’re angry right now and you want to say so many things to your old friend. You’re dreading seeing her because you’re worried about how you’ll react and how she’ll be. You’re dreaming up so many scenarios in your head right? Write a letter that you immediately destroy. Write all the things that you want to say to her. Get it off your chest and you’ll feel better. Read back what you’ve written and understand the key issues. Now write another letter – write it to the friend as though you’re telling her why you love her. Recount good memories… ‘Do you remember that funny time when…’ Forgive her. Remember none of us are perfect. Hopefully, by the time you see her – you will feel positive emotion towards her. Don’t hold yourself back if you want to go up to her and say how it’s nice to see her. You’ll feel so much better for taking a loving, positive stance.
Katy, I love this response. I’d love to hear your opinion about my toxic friendship. In highschool we started out not really liking one another, (because of a boy of course) but then became friends and I came to trust her very much. She betrayed this trust doing something very hurtful to me. At first I was so hurt and angry I felt the victim. I craved happiness and read alot about forgiving and I with my best efforts I forgave several people who I felt hurt by, including her. I had other great friends and I felt I had truly moved on. Because of our small circle of friends we eventually met up again and made peace with one another, or so I thought. I felt we had both moved past the situation. She wanted to hang out with me and I was in a happier place, so I was okay with being her friend again. I thought maybe she just made a mistake and needed to know someone forgave her. She started calling me “b*tch” in a playful manner and other passive-agressive behaviour would leak out in many different ways. If I asked why she’d say or do those things she would act as though it was normal and just how she showed affection. I became guilty myself of retaliating back and even acting out on my own sometimes (possibly because of feeling hurt over previous conversations/situations). I think I eventually was acting as bad as she was at times. I wasn’t the person I was aspiring to be and I felt she always held me back from being a better version of myself. I tried and tried again to let it roll off my back and sometimes I would even confront her, but she would often manipulate the truth in a way where I always ended up feeling like it was my fault and I would then apologize, wanting to be a “good person”. I think I have guilt about my own misgivings even though for the most part whenever she acted “mean” to me I would try my best to forgive and forget. Sometimes I distanced myself and then it seemed she would reel me back in seeming so nice, but eventually do those same hurtful things again. I’d always give her the benefit of the doubt, that she had changed her ways. We did have wonderful times together and she did became my best friend. It made it harder to think about walking away b/c my other close friends I just naturally lost touch. I think because she seemed more interested in me and my life than anyone else and kept in touch more than anyone else, I felt she was my closest friend. My sister described me as being the woman who kept going back to an abusive husband. She told me I needed to stop relying on my unhealthy friend. I started practicing self love and finally started feeling more self worth and respect. The last time she did something hurtful, I confronted her and pointed out some of the past things that led me to believe she intentionally did these things. We went back and forth in an email and eventually she blantantly lied about some situations. I felt I couldn’t argue if she wasn’t being honest, so I never wrote back. Weeks later she defriended me and my husband from facebook. I felt shocked and hurt. Even after she was very cruel to me at one point I never defriended her even though I felt I’d strongly like to cut her out. Everytime I spoke to her about ending our friendship she would always say she didn’t cut people out of her life. I’d feel guilty and stay around. Now it seems as though I’m cut out when I thought I would be the one slowly letting her go. I still don’t know what to think about it. I’ve written how angry I am to myself and I think I’m almost sick of venting, but the writing a letter of love has not yet happened for me. I tried to think of the things I was grateful for about her but the negatives popped up in between every one. I’m still angry somedays and other days I feel more free and at peace. I’m definitely grieving the loss of the friendship but I think she is happier and that hurts me as well as I still feel a bit victimized and I feel I deserve to be happy too but I’m not quite there. I know I should be happy for her but right now I can’t completely. Somedays I’m almost there and then I feel a bit hurt or angry again. I know after 16+ years it takes time, but I want to do all I can to truly forgive, heal and move forward. I have it in my heart to wish her well and let go. But how do I let it go? I was close with her child and still feel so much love for her family, that’s salt in the wound as well. They all stopped talking to me when she did. How long will it take to truly forgive and move forward?
Recently I came across a horrible hurtful email from close friend who have used me and my husband many times over the years. I really want to reply back and state the facts and prove her wrong and let her know this relationship is over but I don’t want to entertain her nasty email. it’s eating me up- it has consumed my whole being. If I don’t say the truth does that mean she is correct? Am I accepting her lies?
Hi Omi – you’re feeling angry and hurt right now, so anything you write you’ll probably regret. Without knowing the full story – just remember that you can’t control what others do or say about you, but you can control your reaction to the situation. Hope that helps.