“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.” ~Sonya Friedman
The longer I stayed on the phone, the more agitated I became. My mother was on the other end, as usual, dumping her emotions on me. I had moved to Los Angeles for graduate school in part to escape all of this—my mother’s unhappiness, my sense of responsibility, the pressure to be perfect.
When I hung up the phone, I felt an overwhelming sense of anger. At the time, I could not (correction: would not) allow myself to admit that I was angry with my mother. I couldn’t reconcile having such negative feelings and loving my mother at the same time.
After all, hadn’t she sacrificed so much for me? Hadn’t I always considered her to be my closest confidante? Didn’t I proudly declare her to be my best friend when I was younger?
Even the most positive memories between my mother and me have been eclipsed by the shadow of her depression.
As a young child, I could never understand why my mommy was so sad all the time. I cherished the rare days she was carefree and silly and held these moments close to my heart. When she slipped into a depressive state, sleeping days at a time in her dark room, I willed her to come out.
Early on, I learned to temper my behavior and my own emotions so as not to instigate or prolong her sadness. In my young mind, I made myself responsible for her and was not able to separate her feelings from mine.
I wanted her to be happy and thought that if I was always “good,” she would be. When she wasn’t happy, I blamed myself.
Unconsciously, my mother fed this belief when she constantly bragged to others that I was the “perfect daughter.” The pressure to live up to my mother’s expectations overwhelmed me. I suppressed a lot of negative feelings and experiences in favor of upholding the ideal she and I had co-created.
That day, I turned this anger toward a safer target, my co-worker. That day at work, I blew up. I can’t remember what I said, but I distinctly remember the look of confusion on her face. My frustration with my inability to express myself made me even angrier. I excused myself, ran to the bathroom, locked myself in the last stall, and bawled my eyes out.
Soon after, I took advantage of the free counseling services on campus. Over the next several weeks, my counselor helped me realize that it was okay to feel the way I was feeling. This was a radical idea for me, and one I struggled with at first.
Because I had suppressed my own feelings for so long, when I finally allowed them to surface, they were explosive.
Anger, resentment, and disgust came alive and pulsed through my body whenever I spoke with my mother during this time. While she seemed to accept truth and honesty from other people, I tiptoed around certain topics for fear of upsetting her.
I never felt I could share the difficulties and challenges I experienced in my own life because this contradicted who I was to her. I felt I had no right to be unhappy. When I attempted to open up about these things, she often interrupted me with a story of her own suffering, invalidating the pain I felt.
She seemed committed to being the ultimate victim and I resented her for what I perceived as weakness.
I realized that to get through my graduate program with my sanity intact, I needed to limit the amount of time and energy I gave to her. Instead, I found ways to protect and restore my energy. Writing became therapeutic for me. I found I could say things in writing I was unable to verbalize to my mother.
This won’t be an easy letter for you to read and I apologize if it hurts you, but I feel like our relationship is falling apart, and one of the reasons is that I’ve kept a lot of this bottled up for so long. I never thought you could handle honesty from me, and so I lied and pretended everything was okay because I was always afraid I would “set you off” or that you would go into a depressed mood.
You unconsciously put so much pressure on other people (me especially) to fill your emptiness, but that’s a dangerous and unrealistic expectation and people can’t and won’t live up to it. And they start to resent you for it. I do want you to be happy, but I’m starting to realize that I can’t be responsible for your happiness and healing; only you can.
Seeing my truth on paper was the ultimate form of validation for me. I no longer needed to be “perfect.” I gave myself permission to be authentic and honored every feeling that came up.
When I was ready, I practiced establishing boundaries with my mother. I let her know that I loved and supported her, but it negatively affected me when she used our conversations as her own personal therapy sessions. I released the need to try to “fix” things for her.
I took care of me.
Do you have trouble establishing healthy emotional boundaries?
Take a moment to answer the following questions adapted from Charles Whitfield’s Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self.
Answer with “never,” “seldom,” “occasionally,” “often,” or “usually.”
- I feel as if my happiness depends on other people.
- I would rather attend to others than attend to myself.
- I spend my time and energy helping others so much that I neglect my own wants and needs.
- I tend to take on the moods of people close to me.
- I am overly sensitive to criticism.
- I tend to get “caught up” in other people’s problems.
- I feel responsible for other people’s feelings.
If you answered “often” or “usually” to the above statements, this might be an indication that you have trouble establishing healthy emotional boundaries.
Like me, you’re probably extremely affected by the emotions and energy of the people and spaces around you. At times, it can be incredibly hard to distinguish between your “stuff” and other people’s “stuff.”
It is incredibly important to establish clear emotional boundaries, or we can become so overwhelmed and overstimulated by what’s going around us that it’s sometimes hard to function.
Here are a few ways to begin the process of establishing healthier emotional boundaries.
1. Protect yourself from other people’s “stuff.”
I can feel when someone is violating a boundary because my body tenses up. I realize that my breathing is very shallow. I feel trapped, small, helpless.
The first thing I do is to remind myself to breathe. The act of focusing on my breath centers me and expands the energy around me. In this space, I can think and act more clearly.
When I feel myself becoming too overwhelmed, I try to immediately remove myself from the situation. Sometimes all it takes is a couple minutes to walk away and regain my balance. Other times, I have had to make the decision not to spend time with people who consistently drain my energy.
Having a safe space to retreat, practicing mindfulness and meditation, or visualizing a protective shield around yourself are other methods that can help restore balance when boundaries are invaded.
Find out what works best for you.
2. Learn to communicate your boundaries in a clear and consistent way.
For many, this can be the most difficult part of the process for various reasons. We don’t like to appear confrontational. We’re afraid that if we clear set boundaries for ourselves, the people in our lives will begin to resent us. However, learning to communicate boundaries effectively is necessary for healthy relationships.
I’m not comfortable with that.
It doesn’t feel good to…
I’m not okay with…
I appreciate if you wouldn’t…
Please don’t…
If you cringed at the thought of using any of these phrases, you’ll be relieved to know that communicating your boundaries doesn’t always have to be with words. You can also effectively communicate through the use of non-verbal.
Closing the door, taking a step back, shaking your head, or signaling with your hands can be less threatening ways of letting others know what you will and won’t accept from them.
3. Be patient with the process.
When I first realized that I was taking on the negative emotions of my mother, I became extremely resentful and disgusted with her. Instead of taking responsibility for my role in allowing this dynamic to occur, I blamed her for every negative thing that had happened in my life.
I closed myself off from her and shut her out completely. Our relationship became incredibly strained during this time as we both readjusted to the new boundaries I was setting.
Eventually, I was able to allow her to have her own emotional experience without making it about me. I could listen and no longer become enmeshed or feel obligated to do something about what she was feeling.
Whenever you change a pattern, it is natural to feel resistance from inside as well as outside the self. As you practice, your ego may start to act up and make you feel like you are “wrong” in establishing boundaries.
Others may also become resentful of your newfound assertiveness. They may be used to a certain dynamic in your relationship and any change has the potential to cause conflict.
Remember to be kind to yourself through the process and repeat the following affirmation:
I respect and love myself enough to recognize when something isn’t healthy for me, and I am confident enough to set clear boundaries to protect myself.
About Alana Mbanza
Alana Mbanza is a freelance writer and the author of LoveSick: Learning to Love and Let Go. Even more than a writer, she strives to be an active agent of creation, choosing to see and create life through the lens of love. Visit her website for more information about her freelance writing and coaching services.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I so needed to hear this today. It’s something I am dealing with. Thank you for sharing your story!
I always had a tough time setting emotional boundaries, so I always took on other people’s emotions. I was drained of energy and happiness every time I did that. But I’ve always walked out of a space that didn’t seem good to my emotional health. Most of the times that decision of walking out has come late, but I am glad it did. This time it has come sooner, and I am glad.
Setting boundaries is tough. It makes you feel as if you’re disappointing a loved one and leaving them all alone. But I am sure eventually it will make both me and them realize that I am not the solution to every problem.
Thank you for writing this. You put words to what I couldn’t tell myself.
Love this. Thank you.
This was a great post. I think many of us do have problems setting emotional boundaries with people especially our close ones. I know that’s something I continue to wrestle with and it’s tougher with some especially when they have a great influence on you. Thank you for sharing this!
Thank you, Alana. This article came at the perfect time for me….dealing w/ my relationship with my mom. Thank you so much sharing!
fantastic post! thank you for sharing.
Protect yourself from “energy vampires”, there are everywhere, and they can be anyone in your life. Sometimes we have to learn to say NO!
Thank you for sharing your experiences. My relationship with my mother began to unravel when I started graduate school as well. I experienced the same feelings of disgust and resentment. This was such a validating read.
Wow I think you just wrote an article from inside my head. I have over the last few years tried the very sentences you stated above with my own mother, any suggestions on how to make her listen? She always negates what I am saying or tells me to stop being over-dramatic…our biggest obstacle is her constant comments about my weight and appearance, which she has nit picked to no end my entire life. She brags about me to all her friends, yet when with me she always has something negative or critical to say, my grades (although an honor student) were always questioned (why didn’t I do better), my clothes always ridiculed (whether it be a stain, or wrong colour, or wrong fit). Although she prides herself on having a great daughter she always finds someway to put down what I say or do…
This is so amazingly the case with my life. Your timing couldn’t have been more perfect. I’m grateful for this. I just started therapy, and that’s exactly the issue we’re working on, and these circumstance mirror my situation so closely that I am stunned. Thank you for sharing this and for making me feel less alone in my struggles.
Thank you for sharing. I am going through the same thing with my co-dependent mother. She is an emotional vampire, her other children have cut her off and she still does not think she has any problems. I don’t want to abandon her completely as she is getting up in age, but I am seeking counseling to address how to deal with her and take better care of myself.
Wonderful post! I have, and still am, working on various aspects of setting emotional boundaries, so it was great to have your perspective and encouragement. Thanks for your offering!
The hardest thing about setting appropriate boundaries is detaching yourself from the outcome. Taking care of yourself has to be top priority but you also have to realize that you can’t control the other person’s response.
During a session with my therapist, I remember going on and on about how drained my mother made me feel. After awhile, my therapist stopped me and asked, “Is it possible that she’s unable or unwilling to relate to you differently?” I thought about her question for awhile and finally had to accept that yes, that was a possibility. My mother has her own set of experiences that have shaped the way she interacts with everyone, including me. Her follow up question was, “Knowing that she might not be able to change, WHAT CAN YOU DO to protect and nurture yourself.” It was then that I made the decision to limit my contact with her and to refuse to engage her when she tried to draw me in.
I would encourage you to consider these things as you seek to create more healthy boundaries with your mother.
Hope this helps,
Alana
I’m so glad it resonated with you, Katie!
Thank you for reading!
Nitz,
It is definitely a process and the fact that you are able to recognize and remove yourself from unhealthy situations sooner is a sign of growth! Celebrate your progress! I can say that my relationship with my mother is so much healthier now and I have begun to enjoy our interactions more.
Alana
I’m am so glad my story spoke to you! Comments like yours are the ultimate validation for me and remind me of why I write.
Many blessings,
Alana
Alana, I don’t know if any men can relate, but I think you just described a situation a LOT of women go through with their mothers, myself included! It’s a bit comforting to know one isn’t alone in this world when dealing with the pressures of trying to please her mother. I hit my breaking point with my own mother nearly two years ago…and then again last year two days before Mother’s Day, ironically. We are in a better place now, but every now and then, I can still sense when that “thing” is starting to creep up in our conversations again. The difference is now when it does and I hang up the phone, I still feel good…well, at least better than I did before because I make a conscious effort to tell myself, “My mother is projecting her own feelings on to me. I am not responsible for her happiness”. In the past, I was a total mess, trying to figure out how to make my mother happy with me again after we’d had an argument. These words are coming from a married woman with a child who has not lived under her mother’s roof in 17 years! It just goes to show the crazy dynamic of mother-daughter relationships, probably the most significant relationship responsible for helping us to establish these unhealthy practices of taking on other people’s feelings in the first place. Thanks for sharing:)
This was a very insightful blog…Thank You for sharing your wisdom! 🙂
Thank you for reading!
Fantastic blog post and a very important topic I think we can all learn from. Often we’re taught acceptance to the point where our boundaries get neglected because we’re too busy accepting what everyone does around us. There comes a point when we need to learn to say no and fend for ourselves. Well done and thank you for sharing this with us.
Oh boy do I relate to that!
I have very similar problems with MY mother, and it helps me to feel like I have plan when I’m facing problems. Thank you so much for this!!
Thank you so much your comment!
I love this article! So well written and almost exactly what I went through with my own mother. I set boundaries and attended to my codependency to keep good boundaries within myself and with others. Thanks for sharing this! 🙂
This is a useful article to help me gain insight into why I’ve had such difficulty establishing and maintaining emotional boundaries with my parents (who have both struggled with depression in various forms, over the years).
Lacking many of the skills you’ve demonstrated here, I’ve often stormed off (and then – feeling obliged to maintain links – I’ve sloped back, apologetic). Rather than communicate my boundaries clearly and consistently, it’s been stop/start for much of my life.
Little wonder, perhaps, that I’ve gone on to have similar relationships with my co-workers, friends and (ex-) partners. I have often looked to them to fill my emptiness and felt let down when, inevitably, they haven’t done so.
Thank you for this article, today I will make an effort to offer loving kindness to the most difficult person in my life, myself.
Hi! I would really love to learn more about what was mentioned in step 3. I recently had to start setting new boundaries with by BFF (and roommate). I love her with all my heart, but she has some serious issues she needs to work on and I’m at the point where I can’t allow her to dump her emotions on me anymore b/c I’m simply too sympathetic. When I started setting boundaries I did so quietly. I would say less in conversation, excuse myself a little more often, and eventually I asked if she would please ask me if I’m ready to talk about such negative things instead of immediately assuming I would be receptive. This led to her bursting into my room at 1am drunk and crying one morning… sigh… so boundaries are still being pushed. Anyway- the more I can learn about how to establish boundaries, while still being of some help and not terribly offending her, the better I would feel. I’d also like to hear more about what she is feeling with the new changes and how I can mitigate any animosity she might feel. Thanks for the great blog!
Learning to set and honor boundaries is so empowering. All those feelings we bottle up just circle round to create resentment. We are afraid to say, “Stop” because we want to be loved and lovable. But, saing, “Stop” is what’s needed when others fail to see how uncomfortable they make us. Setting boundaries for ourselves may even help others around us do the same. Then, they won’t have so much resentment and anger to project on us! Good read! http://www.hushhushheart.com
Alana, Thank you for this! Exactly how I feel and so relatable yet I was experiencing feelings of guilt for trying to detach from a similar relationship because of the same reasons. This was so helpful.
Thanks Alana, your post came right out of my head too. I’m at the point that I tried to tell my mother the things you’ve told her in your letter. It went bad, she took it personnally and called me ungrateful and spoiled. There was no reasoning, she is not able to reflect om her own behaviour, nor would she acknowledge she suffers from depression her whole life. We have no contact, I cannot stand the egoïsm and selfcenteredness she is spreading. On the other hand I feel guilty en still take her blame on me that she has no contact with my son, hier grandson. I don’t know how to connect with her without letting her walk over me and I hate myself for it.
You know when you read something and you think to yourself, wow, what I’m reading right now is like my own story? That doesn’t happen to me very often. Thank you for sharing your insight and your story, it truly resonated with me.
This is almost my exact relationship with my Mum and after I realised her complete dependence on me and her eternal ‘victim’ mentality, I became very angry and filled with resentment and disgust. Once I started changing how I responded to this, our relationship dynamic fell apart (on my 21st birthday no less) and now things are strained as she doesn’t know how to be my mother without the dependence on me as her guide and parental figure. Hopefully she will work within herself so that she no longer needs me to be the rock.
Francis, my mother is like yours. She is unable to see her own behaviour nor the need for her to work on it. She is content to play the victim role and thinks that I am being cruel for trying to assert myself, my needs, and address her behaviour and perspective of life. I have reduced contact to as much as possible, as I still live under her roof. Although you may feel guilty about her not being in contact with her grandson, you need to put your needs first
While reading this, I burst into tears. It was comforting and scary at the same time to know there was someone else out there that shared my same experience. I am currently establishing healthier boundaries with my own mother. I am learning to protect myself from others who are hurtful and to set clear boundaries. It was helpful to me to consider visualizing a shield around myself when around others. I will have to try that.
Alana.. We have had very similar situations regarding our moms.
Thank you for putting your experience out there and for explaining how to correct it in such an easy to understand way.
Much love
Hi Alana,
I just want to say thanks for sharing this. Your story is eerily similar to mine.
I held onto that resentment for years, feeling like it wasn´t fair to be her therapist/marriage counselor and to never have the space to state my own truths, but also that it was my duty and I had to fulfill it.
My early attempts at setting boundaries were a MESS too: But – crazily enough – I have been using Dr. Whitfield´s book as well to help me respect both she and I and by taking responsibility for my own part in our dynamic. As kids didn´t ask for the confidant/emotionally parentified child role, but now that we are adults, it´s our responsbility to choose who we want to be and how we want to engage with other people, even when they are our mothers. Their issues are theirs, not ours, no matter how much they try to give them to us – and everyone else.
One thing I want to say is don´t expect too much from her – especially when you first start to assert your boundaries. You may need to assert them ad nauseam, and the guilt will be really heavy on you (for me it was like an elephant piggy backing on me) but trust that you are doing right by YOU. In the end, enabling your Mom´s problems and protecting her from yours is not helping her either. Eventually you will begin to feel better and better about yourself and your capacity for self-protection (in a good way) – and that´s worth it. It´s very empowering.
Thank you, Alana!!!
P.s. Inner child work and inner family systems therapy can help and read Bethanny Webster´s blog, Womb of Light!
P.s.s. You have to be willing to let her get angry and even hurt. This terrified me. I had to learn to be okay with letting her have her own feelings. They are a reflection on her not on you. Be respectful, honest and compassionate (not overly so!!), but look out for yourself first.
You are a beautiful soul, Alana. Thank you so very much for sharing this with us. <3
This was a fantastic read. Thank you for sharing your own personal strength in setting emotional boundaries. I am very guilty of not being able to set emotional boundaries and it has been a major theme in my life, a suffering theme. My mom passed away when I was ten and over the years, I am 30 now, I learned to take on and fix and counsel, everyone. From my father, to my siblings, to my friends, etc. I believe now that I did this to avoid my own sadness. Thinking on the many times I have taken on other’s problems and burdens I cannot even imagine the damage I have caused myself and I am trying to heal and it is a struggle. Certain people have viewed me, and I realize I allowed it, as someone who can take care of everything for them, and in the process the relationships and friendships turned very toxic and one sided. I was many times taken advantage of with my own feelings being disregarded, but not only by them, but by me. I ultimately allowed this and I know that now. So I started working on boundaries and went to counseling and I tried with all my being to help and heal myself while still remaining who I am by nature to care and want to truly help. I lost a lot of “friends” this way. When I set boundaries on one sided relationships these people were angry with me! They did not want to see my happiness or healing, they wanted what I could do for them. Some boundaries worked for others and improved. I have learned such a great deal about myself and others through working on boundaries but I am still struggling. This article brought so many emotions out, sorry to write you a book. :0) thanks for reading and keep inspiring others to take care of themselves!
I was having trouble, and by trouble I mean like a month of non-stop torture because I hear that a girl from my school, one who I’ve never really talked to but just saw, got, well, let’s just say she had a bad childhood. I took this very badly. At a point in my life where everything was coming together, (I’m going to a writing school next year, I finished my first novel) things began to collapse on me because of her unhappiness. I had and still have no idea if it really happened to her but just the thought of that happening hurts my soul. When I try to close myself off I just can’t stop thinking of it, but then I realized I don’t have to. I honestly don’t think that anyone can solve the world’s problems because it’s a losing game. Someone in the comments mentioned that things like murder, rape, terrible things are energy vampires. They’re obstacles that CHANGE people to be who they NEED to be. I NEED to be myself because that’s who I was raised to be. I need to make my own shield to protect me from getting bitten!
Omygosh, Jay and Francis, my mother is also like yours. Unfortunately, I’m still living with her and am only 20 but my mother constantly plays the victim role and always turns things around on me instead of ever sitting back and reflecting on her own behaviour, she’ll say I’m doing this or I’m doing that to deflect from her own behaviour. When I react to some of the absurd behaviour she displays and enacts towards me like a normal human being I just get upset and looked at like I’m too much and I can’t have normal reactions like ANY NORMAL HUMAN BEING. She always says when I try to tell her I’m hurt or I’m upset with something that maybe I should look at MY behaviour… actually I just had a fight with her now, and I’m currently living in Thailand and my visa is going to run out so I need to go away with her to a different country for a bit to renew the visa however she always seems to pick fights and never looks at her own behaviour and herself. I’m always the bad one, she’s always has to be right. and it’s always something that I’ve done wrong when I am constantly analysing my behaviour to unhealthiness. :/ I don’t know what else I can do, I’ve tried everything. No matter what I do, it’s never good enough. :/. I found out a few years ago when I was about 17… I think it may have started then… that my mother was a narcissist. and I ignored it as I was busy with studies and my own personal depression and what not and couldn’t comprehend it and no one was helping me through it and to this day no one has helped me through it or I have really tried to get help for my emotional distresses and anger.
Omygosh, Jay I just looked at your description again. It describes my mum to a T! I don’t know what to do, I live in Thailand now and don’t have any friends her or have much of an outlet or escape other than reading endless articles online and spending time online until I fall asleep…
There have been times when I have set boundaries and they were totally ignored by others. I had a houseful of guests at the time and didn’t feel I could remove myself entirely from the situation. It felt like a nightmare from which I could not waken.
This was absolutely beautiful. So many relationships popped into my head throughout, for which boundaries have only helped over time. Thank you for the tips!! 🙂
Thank you Alana, your articles really resonate with me and it´s helpful just to know that you (and others) have had similar experiences. Getting over that hump of guilt is a doozy because when the anger comes out, as you said, it´s so so much. Your advice for healing is very thoughtful. I often come back and reread what you´ve said when I can´t find the permission in myself to ask questions or to recognize that being imperfect is just fine. You are part of my process 🙂
That sounds really confusing and very very hard. Do you live with her? My impression from what you are saying is that you are taking your Mom´s ideas about you to heart. Who she thinks you are is not who you are – and it seems like what she is saying may have more to do with her than with you. Regardless of what she or anyone else says, you are just fine as you are.
Unfortunately, we can´t make people listen to us. I´ve tried this with my own (also very enmeshing) Mom many many times and I really relate to your story, but at some point we have to give our family members the right to have their own problems (and the weight stuff, etc., all of it really, is not your problem, it´s hers). It seems like there is a part of you that wants to escape this trap – and you can, but it´s about learning to listen to yourself. Your Mom is attempting to define you a certain way (again, I totally relate), but that´s not her place – it´s yours.
I deal with this with my sister. What many of you describe may actually be a personality disorder. My sister has borderline personality disorder. She is full of drama every day of her life. She is always a victim and would try to make me feel guilty or like a horrible sister if I didn’t listen to all of her perceived problems with her husband. The truth was he was a great guy….SHE was the problem. She has anger issues and either loves you or hates you….there is nothing in between. She is vindictive and selfish. I learned after all of these years that for my own emotional sanity, that I cut off all ties two years ago. She was draining the life out of me.
Thank you for this post. It described a lot of the things I used to deal with. I’ve cured myself of taking on my own mother’s emotions, but I’m currently learning how to not take on the emotions of strangers and customers at my job. One day, I realized that I felt responsible for my customers’ reactions to prices and other things that I have no control over and it was spiritually exhausting me. Reading your post reminds me that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself for feeling this way. I just have to keep working on it until I can live free from that bad habit.
I read your story and thought, is it possible for two people to live the same life?
thank you for sharing your story.just today I had same negative conversation with my family.
it made me ANGRY to the point i wanted change my number and never contact anyone.
as i’m writing this I’m full of anger and sadness.I’M TIRED of being a listening ear. it would be fine if they would actually listen or value any of my suggestion to improve their problems.your story gives me hope to know i need to take charge of own happiness.THANK YOU. you have no idea how much I needed this today.