“Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” ~Walter Anderson
Society has a series of unwritten and sometimes unspoken laws they expect both males and females to abide by without question—a perceived set of standards and assumptions which span the generations and often shape, however haphazardly, the development of our youth.
From colors to activities; music to clothing; relationships to careers, an infinite number of stereotypes exist for the opposite sex, and society feels they are judge and jury—bullying, chastising, and poking fun at anyone who doesn’t fully support or adhere to them.
Unfortunately, I know what that’s like.
Growing up in an average American suburb, I began to notice that I wasn’t like other little boys. My interest in sports was non-existent.
Athletics seems to be a unifying force amongst males and used endlessly to judge one’s “manliness” in society.
Young, impressionable minds are often preconditioned to believe that any little boy who doesn’t like sports or the rough and tough exterior typically associated with them is a “sissy.”
I found enjoyment and fulfillment in the world of creativity as an artist, musician, and writer. But regardless of my talents or abilities, societal stereotypes continued to plague me. Artists are typically sensitive, emotional, and passionate individuals. These are three adjectives you might not associate with manliness.
My young, male counterparts just didn’t know what to make of me, and so I spent much of grammar school and high school dodging ridicule and abuse almost daily.
This ongoing struggle to fit within the confines a very narrow-minded society left me insecure, anxious, and at times even depressed, at an age when I should have been filled with innocence and joy.
My parent’s solution to the problem was just to ignore it—to simply be happy with who I was. But their advice offered little comfort to a young adolescent who just wanted to be liked by his peers, not judged.
Now at the age of 36, the memories of my youth are often bittersweet. While there were occasions of happiness sprinkled throughout, I spent the majority of my time trying to stay under society’s radar. Consequently, I missed opportunities to form relationships with my peers.
I wish I could say that as an adult my life is void of some of the same stereotypes I found in my youth. But some of the men around me define themselves by macho behaviors, a lack of emotion, athletics, and oftentimes a resistance to simply grow up and mature.
And so the struggle for acceptance seems never-ending in a society dominated by the understanding that every man and every woman should abide by gender distinctions the mass population has created for them.
I recently came across a wonderful anonymous quote, which reads:
“Stereotypes are devices for saving a biased person the trouble of learning.”
It seems the only reason then for society’s stereotypes is to help those who are too cowardly to accept uniqueness by providing them with an excuse to segregate and bully those who are different then they are.
I’ve spent years trying to live up to gender stereotypes only to discover that’s not how I want to be defined.
I am a guy who’s not afraid to cry when emotions sometimes weigh me down; and I view hugs as expressions of love and appreciation, not of sexual preference.
Everyone is unique in this world and those differences should be revered, not ignored.
At the end of my life, I don’t want to be remembered as someone who struggled to blend in with the crowd. No, I want to be remembered for being me.
If you feel the same, step back and ask yourself these questions:
- Am I being true to myself or living the expectations of others?
- Do I surround myself with individuals who love me unconditionally?
- Do I play up societal stereotypes to avoid being ridiculed?
- What’s the ultimate benefit of living life like everyone else?
I consider myself extremely fortunate to have found, quite by accident, a most cherished soul to share my days with. My wife is one of the kindest, most loving individuals I’ve ever had the pleasure to come in contact with.
There are no airs about her, and she forms judgments solely based on how you treat her rather than stereotypes or materials that others use to judge one’s character.
She knows everything about me and in spite of those flaws believes I’m more of a man than most—something I would never have believed as a young boy just trying to fit in.
If people are going to love you unconditionally, they’re going to love you for the unique person that you are.
Sameness is easily achieved and highly unmemorable.
And while standing out in a crowd can feel difficult, I assure you it makes you stronger, for having the courage to embrace and love yourself is infinitely more valuable than blending in.
Actress Eva Mendes once said, “People are incapable of stereotyping you; you stereotype yourself because you’re the one who accepts roles that put you in this rut or in this stereotype.”
How right she is.
Photo by Lel4nd
About Craig Ruvere
Craig Ruvere is an awarded writer, marketer and designer living in Northern Colorado. He runs the popular blog The View from Here, sharing insights about life, love and everything in between.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
As a middle aged woman who has never been comfortable with playing the girlie feminine role of fashion, makeup and hairstyles, and who is pretty much ignored by most men (and many women) in society as a result of that and age, I can tell you that the loneliness that results from not playing by the rules can be overwhelming. The pressure is almost constant. Being a strong, straightforward, unabashedly “tomboy” type of woman is rarely accepted, except in movies that include female warrior And their bodies are frequently over-sexualized to compensate for their male strength and attitudes.
What’s a middle-aged tomboy to do? There is nothing else that can be done except to go on living, to enjoy being alive and healthy and active and strong, and be glad that I was raised to be independent and self-sufficient. But it isn’t easy.
Probably not going to change in my lifetime.
I appreciate your article and getting words out that urge others to really embrace all differences – not just skin color or ethnicity or sexual preference or body types.
Many times people use the term ‘manly’ when they may need to be using the words
‘homosexual’ or ‘gay.’ More often than not, homosexual guys have more trouble
saying ‘gay’ using instead terms like ‘unmanly.’ Straight men usually have no
trouble at all saying they don’t want to be thought of as ‘gay.’ You can’t talk
about words like ‘sissy,’ ‘unmanly,’ ‘girly,’ and act as if homosexuality isn’t
at the base of the issue. I’ve known homosexual men who have married to prove
they weren’t gay, saying that they no longer cared if people thought of them as
feminine. They later realized later the reason they didn’t fear the ‘unmanly’ label
was because, if they married, they didn’t have to worry about people knowing they were gay. They could be openly UN macho, because people would think
“but he’s straight.” If you get rid of the basis for the prejudice
associated with words like sissy, you no longer have to face the real issue,
that being, the fear of being thought of as gay. Unmanly gay men have a much
harder time acknowledging what theyfear is people finding out are in fact gay. Using words like ‘sissy’ they assume people wouldn’t
think of the former.. Straight men on the other hand usually don’t hesitate a
second to say their fear is that people will think of them as ‘gay.’
The author of the article doesn’t use the word gay once. It may be that he doesn’t
want to offend gay people, rather than the reasons I’ve stated above. I do
have to wonder however, when he makes a point, at the end, saying he has found a
‘wife,’ when none of the article mentions that his fear is that women will have a hard time understanding him. Most often being a male that is ‘unmanly’ is an issue with other men, not women. Having a wife erases this problem.
Thanks for commenting Sunny. This society has too many rules for men and women. I hope one day we stop looking at people by their genders and instead as cherised souls.
Hi, I don’t really know what to say, apart from this article was brilliant! I wish that all children had lessons like this in schools across the world, I am sure that kids would be more accepting of each other, and there would be less bullying. I am so glad that you have finally found happiness with your lovely wife, and I hope that you can spread this message to an awful lot of people. xx
I never feared people would think I was gay, in fact I am in full support of the gay community – something you will discover is repeated on my blog. Men or women; gay or straight, people are people and should be allowed to live as they see fit. Society continues to propogate stereotypes for every race and gender and it’s up to us all to stop it.
Thank you so much Sister Julie for commenting. Everyone deserves the right to live their life as they see fit not as others expect them to. My wife is a teacher and I listen to stories all the time about how increasingly difficult teenage life can be for boys and girls as they try to compete in a world of sameness. I truly hope they all find their own way in the world. All the best to you 🙂
I apologize. I inadvertently clicked on “Like” when I meant to click on “Reply”.
Nonetheless, Craig (the author) had no need to delve into sexual preference in his narrative. His words, as they are, are enough. We are capable of being different without categorization of the ever-pervasive sexuality that inundates us from every angle in today’s society. It is needless.
I was similarly different in my youth, and it has carried well into the present. During the Men’s Movement, an answer to radical feminism in the nineties, men like me were often referred to as “SNAGs” (Sensitive New Age Guys). We displayed emotion, love of the arts, and wrote from the heart. I retain that with a dedication to pursuit of the intellect without making forays into sexuality or preferences. I often challenge the “manly” attributes that are stereotypically applied. I am a devout heterosexual. Yet I have no need to mix that with other qualifiers for a strong masculine presence. I feel the same way about women. I am capable of viewing them as persons alone, not as objects to be catalogued according to Freud. My relationships were fostered between two of us as individuals, one of each gender. I did not feel that was necessitated by a need to be “manly”.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
As an dark-skinned lady, this article speaks so much about acceptance of others.
I have a condition that requires me to drink up to 16-24 glasses of water. Watermelon is one of my favorite fruits and the reason I eat it is because it keeps me alive, energized and hydrated. Often times, people mutter “strange” things about me eating watermelon but what they don’t know is that I eat it because I don’t want to die.
I never cared what they thought because my health was more important than what other people believed.
I don’t ever want stereotypes to come between my health and lifestyle.
Fantastic blog, thank you for sharing your experience, and wisdom. The questions to contemplate are GREAT!! 🙂
Thank you for this, Craig. Many of us get caught up in being what we have no desire to be. Dr. Seuss says it best, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” The quicker we are to travel our individual paths the greater our independence throughout life.
I played marginally in athletics because I saw the health advantages of doing so. Other than that, my concentration was on the arts and sciences. That has never changed. I try to remain as physical as possible to this day for my own benefit, not for that of others. Physicality is one of three attributes to mind carefully, the other two being the mind and spirit, or soul. As long as we maintain a balance we maintain an even keel. Our own keel, not that of others.
I do not feel you met your wife “…quite by accident,”. Had you not matured into the fine person you are, your paths would never have crossed. Even if they had, you two would not have delved beneath the facade. She, more than likely, might have passed you by.
“Men” are always going to be men. The definitions vary with time and culture. The men who adhere uncompromisingly to macho stereotypes are archetypically “divine children” according to Jungian archetypes. They are imbued with this false sense of manliness inherent in less-enlightened societies, such as ours. What Western civilization has done is applied undue weight on sexual preference or appetite. Even fleas get erections. They are, however, in no way candidates for king of the macho hill.
~ Mark
Thank you Mark for your well thought out comments. I love the Dr. Seuss quote!
You are corrent, meeting my wife was NOT by accident. Everything in our life happens for a reason – a reason we sometimes don’t always see right away, but it’s there. All the best…
Your words truly speak volumes Mark.
I’m so glad you liked the questions. They are not easy to ask ourselves at any age or stage of life. I find myself still asking them and I’m in my 30’s. I guess we’re never done growing in life. All the best…
It’s such a shame that people feel they have a right to tell us how we should live. Nothing frustrates me more. Stereotypes are nothing more than pure evil and it saddens me that children today seem to face more than ever. All the best…
My husband is very sensitive to emotions and usually helps me with house chores such as cooking, laundry, doing dishes, etc. He’s not the type of guy to go out with his male friends on weekends, he rather spend the time with me. He has a good sense of fashion (he dresses “manly”) and is more into music than sports. I don’t consider him as “sissy”. He is a wonderful guy and I’m glad he’s my husband.
Great post, Craig. Thanks.
I’m gay and an artist.
I grew up in a very narrow-minded, abusive household. I’m sensitive too, and I really hate people who keep telling me to fix myself and change.
Usually the people who are the most controlling and obsessed with changing other people, are the ones that need to change the most.
Being creative and sensitive is not a mental illness, but we treat it that way. It’s very common to label someone who doesn’t fit into the box with OCD, ADD, ADHD, etc. and medicate their energy and vitality out of them.
I was treated like I was mentality retarded in school because I am a global learner, and dislike authority telling me what to do without proper explanation, or question authority figures.
The people who treat other people like dirt are mean, vicious, evil, and are eager to pretend how wonderful and kind they are as they put other people down.
I don’t feel sorry for us, I feel sorry for them for being that way.
Unfortunately, far too many people have conditional love and acceptance.
A father only loves his son when he plays football.
A mother only loves her daughter when she pursues interests she wants, and does not care about the daughter’s wants and needs.
People are expected to perform exceptionally, or they’re treated like they’re stupid.
If you don’t want to spend your life pursuing the corner office you’re lazy.
If you aren’t interested in devoting your life working long hours, just to acquire stuff for the sake of showing off or having more stuff than your neighbors, you’re nuts.
If you don’t want to work but rather create something which sustains your body, mind, and soul, you’re a failure or just lazy.
If you don’t have a high paying career you’re lazy, stupid, and incapable.
If you don’t go the right schools and do the right activities you deserve to be poor.
If you don’t want to be around abusive friends and family, something is wrong with you.
I could go on.
As long as someone is a decent person, I could care less about who they are.
Can people be taught empathy, or does the mindless pursuit of things, and people pleasing destroy that?
I very much enjoyed this post. I do not believe in stereotypes. Everyone is a unique individual and deserves the same love and happiness that those so called “normal” people do. We are all mere mortals and we are not perfect. We just must wake up every day and embrace our own truths because it is the separations that make this world sometimes a very cruel place to reside.
Before reading this, I was not familiar with that quote from Eva Mendes. It seems as though what you wrote is all about a matter of acceptance…not from others, but rather, an acceptance of self and the importance of mastering that, for otherwise, you’ll always seek the alternative (trying to fit in to whatever mold or template society has in place for men, women, children, etc.).
You are so very right. It’s something I’m still working on, but it’s getting better at it 🙂 After all, if you can’t accept yourself, how can you expect others to? All the best…
We all want to belong and sometimes we will try and mimic anyone who seems to have acceptance to do so. But as I’m starting to learn, life is way too short to strive to be someone you’re not. All the best to you…
Wow, what you wrote was really amazing and sadly so much of it is true. But you are right, “I don’t feel sorry for us, I feel sorry for them for being that way.” They are missing out on getting to know some amazing people who possess more strength and character than they ever will. It’s a tough road to travel at times, but as long as you have someone to journey with who loves you unconditionally, the road doesn’t seem as long.
And if you want to see a little more of my sensitive side, visit my blog – that’s pretty much all I write about.
I wish you all the best – always. CR
Wow, your relationship sounds a lot like that of my wife and I. It’s truly refreshing to find, believe me.
The boundaries and limitations we place on each other in this world only prevents us from all becoming amazing human beings. I’m glad that you and your husband obviously understand that.
In truth though, I do the laundry, but man do I hate putting it all away 🙂 All the best to you and your husband.
Touching on the subject of accepting yourself first before expecting others to accept you reminds me of a song that came out a few years ago called “Take Me as I Am” by Mary J. Blige. The chorus to that song goes “Take me as I am, or have nothing at all…”
Well articulated. Thanks for the post.
I loved this article – I found it very moving and touching. As an Indian American who went to a school with mostly White children I highly resonate with your words. Your article helped me grieve some of this pain for me and I thank you for that. Thanks so much for sharing, Craig, I hope you continue!
I’m so glad that my piece resonated with you. Life is so terribly challenging, isn’t it? But I hope you have found some joy and happiness and people who are happy with you just for being who you are. All the best…
Yes, love it!!
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I truly appreciate it 🙂 All the best…
Thanks for reading and commenting. Truly appreciated. All the best…
Thanks. Same to you 🙂
this was the best article I’ve read on tiny Buddha so far. Also the first where the comments and your feed back was so interesting….THank You
Oh yes,It is us so called “cracked” ones who let the light in .It is never easy being different or choosing to follow a different path but in the end there is tremendous strength and a joy of and appreciation for life otherwise we may not have achieved.
Great article.
Growing up in my native India , my interest in sports was non-existent too. I was and still continue to be an emotional “mama’s boy” who cries easily. I was the only boy in class who did not follow cricket scores. However, I was not bullied for that. Partly because I was rather large for that age and would have been difficult to bully. Also because the importance placed on sports is not as great in Asia, (where there is a tremendous pressure to perform academically. )I enjoy shopping for my wife’s clothes. I consider good taste in women’s clothes a natural talent for a heterosexual man. Interestingly, I gloat in standing apart from other males. But this may simply be because I am anti-social…
Excellent post and very well written. Thank you!
You have a lot in common with the author!
As a fellow artist I identify with this article and the thoughts contained within. Even now I’m of the mind that those issues in my formative years have steered and stained my progress, leaving me somewhat weak at just the wrong time in my teens. In some ways this has helped refine me into the individual I am, but it has also been crippling to my confidence and a hazard to professional fulfilment. Here’s to changing that.. Somehow *^^*
I made a song regarding this topic of fitting in with society http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHohO7e4zmY
I hate authority. I hate it when people told me to wear a mkeup and to do my hair and to date to impress men and women. Why should I care what people think/ I hate society telling me, and telling loners and introverst that we have to be outgoing and have to like noise and have to like sex and have to belive in god, and have to date, and have to get married,a nd have to have children, because that’s what we are supposed to ant. I never wanted it. I wanted peace and quiet, and the abilty to write, and draw, and watch movies, and excrsie and travel, and to be lefta lone. I also have a special needs disorder and clinical depression and ptsd, but I really hate people telling me that I’m messed up because I don’t want to conform. If I could, I would spend most of my time exercising and writing and traveling. When people told me I had to have sex because it was expected me and all this other garbage I can remember feeling very suicidal because I am a ver, very private person, who doesn’t like being told what to do, or what to like. If something doesn’t feel natural to me, or makes me hate myself, then I don’t want it, even if other people tell me I should. I don’t like very loud noises, lots of yelling, screaming, abuse, the life script they tell you should follow, gender roles, expectations, I am sensitive and god dammit I have a right to be. School was horrible, I went was bulled, abused, overlooked with my learning disability ad told that I had to do this to fit in or do this because I’d end up alone. Well guess what we all die alone anyways. I also learned early on what rape and sexual abuse was, stalking, emotional abuse, what being gay was, asexual, aromatic. Who the heck wants all this drama> .
It’s quite self destructive for me when I dig into these thoughts. I feel like everyone around me is so unique and comfortable in their own skin, yet I feel everything I do is fit into some sort of stereotype. Then I over-analyze myself and act so unnatural, then the struggle continues as I try to be ‘my authentic self’.
All this leads me to the question: what if I fit in these stereotypes and are as typical as they come? I don’t fit with the wacky crowd because I am very straight-laced a lot of the time – does that make my personality dimmer than the rest? It’s hard being in university, when everyone is celebrating these liberal values when you don’t necessarily agree with everyone. It’s so hard trying to convince other people I’m unique when I am actually so typical. It’s very confusing for me.