“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put them back together.” ~Unknown
There was a time when I was quite black-and-white with relationships. I either trusted you implicitly, assuming you’d never intentionally hurt me, or believed you wanted to cause me pain and questioned everything you did.
Once you moved yourself into the latter category, there was no going back.
Eventually, I realized I was limiting my relationships by not recognizing the grey area, where people are human, they make mistakes, and they need forgiveness and understanding.
From there I swung the pendulum the other way—I trusted everyone. I refused to consider that someone’s actions might reflect that they didn’t truly care. And I stayed in a lot of unhealthy relationships while making excuses for people.
I wanted them to care. I wanted to believe they valued me—that it only meant I was interpreting incorrectly if their actions seemed to suggest otherwise.
But this is where it gets confusing. On the one hand, we often create a lot of meaning in our heads that isn’t really there. We may feel convinced someone intended to be rude, inconsiderate, or thoughtless when really that wasn’t the case.
On the other hand, sometimes actions speak louder than words, and our interpretations may be accurate.
Sometimes someone is knowingly hurtful or neglectful. We need to be able to recognize that or we’ll end up feeling disempowered, disrespected, and stuck.
So how do you know when to stay and when to walk away? How do you know when you’re not reading into things too much, or being too paranoid, or making mountains out of molehills, but rather simply seeing things for what they are?
After placing myself in this situation more times than I’d like to count, I developed a little three-question guide that’s helped me recognize when enough is enough.
1. Do their actions frequently contradict their words?
Anyone can contradict themselves once or twice. We’re only human, and sometimes we make mistakes. It’s consistent behavior that conveys how someone really feels.
I once dated someone who regularly made no effort. But I wanted to believe he was a good guy going through a hard time, and that we could both be happy if I was there for him.
When he opened his door to greet me on Valentine’s Day wearing pajamas—at 7:00 at night—and then threw my card and chocolate rose in his bedroom, it was obvious that I was deluding myself.
This is a somewhat extreme example, but there were little signs in the months leading up to this—unreturned calls, broken dates, many conversations where he wasn’t really listening.
His actions consistently reinforced that he wasn’t open to the type of relationship I wanted, at least not with me. That didn’t mean he intended to hurt me, or that he was a bad guy. It just meant that he wasn’t available or interested in being there for me in the way I knew I needed.
Or more bluntly put: for whatever reason, he did not care.
Words can be deceiving, because sometimes when we lie to others it’s because we’re also lying to ourselves. Trust actions. That’s where the truth is.
2. Do you frequently make excuses for them, to yourself or others?
If you often find yourself in a position where you need to defend the other person, odds are there’s a consistently unacceptable behavior you’re trying to justify.
An old friend of mine once dated someone who’d get mean and nasty, mostly to her, but also to her friends. She’d explain how he’d had a difficult childhood, and that she wouldn’t walk out on him like everyone else had.
Admirable though that might have sounded, she communicated through her actions that it was okay for him to treat her badly—because of all he’d been through.
You might convince yourself that this person is just misunderstood, and that no one else wants to give them the compassion and support you’re willing to offer.
It’s great to be compassionate, but we need to be compassionate with ourselves first—and that means acknowledging what’s just not okay.
3. Does this person turn things around on you, as if their actions are your fault?
It can be difficult to recognize those consistently unacceptable actions if you convince yourself you’re somehow responsible for them.
You might tell yourself that they regularly ignore your needs because you’re too needy. Or they belittle you because you’ve made mistakes in the past.
In other words, you might justify their mistreatment because they try to make you feel like you’re the “wrong one” or the “crazy one.”
When someone truly cares, they don’t use your mistakes or imperfections to justify neglect or emotional blackmail.
I formerly found myself in quite a few relationships like this, likely because I was recreating the dynamics of a core relationship from my childhood.
There came a point when I realized that people who truly respected me would encourage me to grow, but they wouldn’t let my weaknesses become an excuse to intimidate or disparage me.
No matter what you’ve done or how you sometimes struggle, you deserve to be in healthy relationships with people who treat you well.
—
In retrospect, I realize I lied to myself repeatedly because I felt unworthy. It was hard to believe that last part—that I hadn’t somehow brought painful situations on myself.
Considering all the baggage I carried around, I felt fortunate to be in relationships at all.
You may have far greater self-esteem than I did before, but you may still find yourself feeling confused and conflicted in relationships. It can be tough to see things for what they are when we’re emotionally involved and invested.
When in doubt, step back and ask yourself, “What would I tell a friend if s/he were in my shoes?”
Odds are, you’d know the truth, and the wisest thing to do. The question now becomes: Can you treat yourself kindly and walk away from what you know isn’t right?
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Have been dealing with this exact thing recently. (#3 to be specific) I left, but I’m still trying to unravel the confusion that it has left me with. Yes, hurt people hurt people, but c’mon… Where is that line? Did my compassion fail? Why did I let the abuse affect me? Breath in the pain, breath out the love… Thanks for the post. Perfect timing, as always.
It’s amazing how this article just ‘appeared’ exactly when I needed to read it. Thank you, Lori. I think you and I are soul sisters.
I couldn’t have asked for this post at a more relevant time. I can answer a resounding YES to all of the questions above for my last relationship and that’s the reason I left, but still, I grieve the loss of this person deeply. Even though I let him repeatedly hurt me, I miss him so much. And I know it’s because I don’t have any self compassion and I don’t love myself enough — but how can you treat yourself kindly when you’re so entrenched in grief you can barely get up in the morning?
Coincidental? I was talking on the phone to girlfriend asking myself the same question. How do I know when it’s me and when it’s NOT? The answer to the 3 questions resonated as did the statement that you deserve a healthy relationship. I have been in a marriage for 15 years and the past 5 have been very trying. This was perfect timing. Thanks….
I feel similarly – the end of a brief but exciting relationship about six months ago threw me into a horrible depression. I have missed him every day since and blame only myself for the sequence of events that led to him leaving. I’ve realized that the reason I allowed this person to treat me so terribly to begin with is my lack of self-love and self-acceptance, but instead of taking the wonderful advice in this article and searching for someone who truly loves me and is compatible with me I’ve convinced myself that I am too broken and that I’ve made too many mistakes to move forward. I still believe I am unworthy of love and the idea of a healthy relationship is so foreign to me that I wouldn’t even know how to describe one.
I have begun seeing a psychiatrist and psychotherapist to deal with what I now realize is an illness, and it’s begun to help a little. If you truly can’t get out of bed for days or weeks (or months) on end, I think you might seek some help as well.
Another great article, Lori! Thanks…
I just had this exact epiphany yesterday regarding a relationship I’m in… and then this post appears in my life this morning as if the universe is endorsing my decision to let go. Thank you!
Great post! I’ve had a lifelong struggle with low self-esteem, which has stemmed from my childhood and I still deal with in my adult life. I’ve also had bouts of depression where I felt very unloved, unworthy and that I was never good enough or desirable for anyone. I’ve always put others needs above my own and still do. Through making others happy and pleasing them, I was happy. When it wasn’t always reciprocated, I felt horrible. It wasn’t until just recently while seeing meeting someone that I realized the root of my problem. I don’t love myself enough, I’m not happy with my life and the way it is. I feel unworthy because I feel I’m not good enough for the other person, who has a great life, great achievements and dreams. I needed to stop comparing myself to other people.
I read somewhere that even with friends and family around that love and care for you, and if you’re still wallowing and feeling low because that one person doesn’t love you back, it shows how much you don’t love yourself. It’s a reflection of that. That’s when I realized it. At the end of the day, we all have to do what’s best for us and our interests. Others do it, so why shouldn’t I? I’ve always been one to stay and be loyal, while I found others just left me. I couldn’t cut off from someone, even if I hated them. I forgive others and give second chances. I find life is too short to stay angry and that forgiving allows me to move on and it’s easier.
I still have moments where I feel upset or unworthy, not good enough. I’ve progressed a bit, but I get attached easily to others. Whether it’s friends or the men I’ve dated from my past. Keeping busy and progressing all that energy into a project does help. I need to love myself and it”s through focussing on my own life and needs, instead of dropping those plans to help others and put their needs before my own. Easier said than done for me because I love to help others more than myself, but I’m slowly dealing with it in my own way, day by day.
I love this post. It’s so true. Why do we make up excuses for others when we are treated badly? If someone loves you, he or she will respect you and there’s no excuse for bad behaviors
Very wise We will be sharing this on our Facebook Page “Heeling” serving woman who are recovering from Domestic Violence.
Hi Lori. I find that there seems to be a rule of twos in this area of relationships. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” Another that springs to mind is the proverbial “second chance”. I’ve not seen an adage called “third chance” yet, but feel it may be properly wrapped up in the three strike rule. Definitely out! Third-time loser and all that.
The truth lies between the lines in conscientious treatment of those who opt in and out of our lives. Sometimes we care too much, transcending the attention we should be paying to our own sense of well-being. I have known people who cut their losses and run at first sight of impropriety. Then there are their diametric opposites…the ones who soak up the abuse for any amount of reasons and rationale.
I love “Does this person turn things around on you, as if their actions are your fault?” It says so much so well. A recurrent refrain for this is “You make me feel…” or “You made me do…”. When you (or I) become the recipient of projected maltreatment, it is time to get off the merry-go-round. That person has clearly indicated co-dependency and lack of responsibility for his/her actions. Walking away is the best thing that can be done for BOTH parties. Perhaps the loss will be a wake-up call; at the very least, the cycle is broken.
Thanks for this. It is definitely a telling gauge of our authenticity when we can sift through the situation in a rational manner and exact our own truth in how we live out our relationships.
~ Mark
Wonderful, as always. Just had someone last week tell me that he couldn’t believe I “convinced” him to be intimate. I had spent months excusing his rude behavior. Won’t do it anymore!
Thank you for the post. It made me tear…It somehow describes me too in some ways. I had a few relationships too… I decided to let go the last relationship as I felt that I really had enough… Still recovering from a broken heart now…
You are most welcome. I’m glad you were able to let go of that unhealthy relationship, even if it was hard!
You’re most welcome. It’s such an insightful and compassionate realization–that hurt people hurt people–but that doesn’t mean we have to allow them to continually hurt us. I love the idea of breathing out pain and breathing in love. I’m sending good thoughts your way!
You’re most welcome Ashley!
I second Erica’s suggestion Raala I saw a therapist for years when I was younger, and it really helped me move forward in my healing. I actually wrote a post related to break-ups that you might find helpful:
http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-a-past-relationship-10-steps-to-peacefully-move-on/
I think getting past a break-up is similar to grieving a death. The initial stages are the hardest, but things get easier with time!
You’re most welcome Amy. I think the longer you’ve been in a relationship, the harder it can be to see things clearly. I’m glad this was helpful to you.
Thank you and you’re most welcome!
That’s great you’ve had this realization, and you’ve chosen to move on. I know it isn’t always easy to do that!
You’re most welcome. I’m so happy for you, that you’re moving on and opening yourself up to something better!
Thanks Richard. I hope your Facebook community finds it helpful!
Absolutely! Oprah said, “We teach people how to treat us,” and I think it’s so true. It can be so hard to speak up or walk away when someone treats us poorly, but I’ve found we lose respect for ourselves when we don’t.
You’re most welcome Mark! That’s been a big lesson for me, about the “you make me feel” language. I find that taking responsibility for my own feelings makes conflict resolution so much easier, in all relationships!
I am so grateful for Lori Deschene! This post is spot on and will help many people who are experiencing this right now. I am glad u were born Lori xxx
Buried in #1 and #2 is a common relationship mistake: assuming that our presence will change the other person. (“we could both be happy if I was there for him”; “she wouldn’t walk out on him like everyone else had”)
Personally, I got myself into a very sorry state with this one a few years back. The “aha” moment came on a phone call, when I recognized we were having the same argument for about the 1,200th time, and it occurred to me that we would continue having this for however long we were in each others lives. It was very calming to realize her behaviour had nothing to do with me, I was just there. (Unless she’s done some serious work on herself, she’s probably treating whoever is currently in her life in a similar manner as I type this!) I went over to her house, against her objections, ave her a big hug, told her I loved her and that I never wanted to see her again. She thanked me. I went home on the same bus transfer.
Flash forward a few years: married, kids, the type of life I’ve always wanted. But I could not have had it without letting go of the assumption that I could somehow change my old flame.
Lori, when you think about all the relationships we have throughout our lives your message is really critical and spills into so many aspects of our lives.
We can struggle with our parental relationships, our siblings, our “best friends” our spouses, fiance’s, and boy/girl friends. Your tips apply across the board!
I’ve often struggled with giving too much benefit of the doubt. Especially in work relationships where you also want to “make something work” so badly you overlook obvious signs. Like you said, having that kind of neediness stems from certain insecurities and you’re really expecting others to prop you up. That’s never a good way to grow!
Lori, what I love about this post, is that it relates to all relationships we find ourselves in, parents, siblings, friends as well as significant others.
“There came a point when I realized that people who truly respected me would encourage me to grow; but they wouldn’t let my weaknesses become an excuse to intimidate or disparage me.
No matter what you’ve done or how you sometimes struggle, you deserve to be in healthy relationships with people who treat you well.”
This resonates with me deeply. In the last year of my life, I have had to make difficult yet freeing choices about the people I allow into my life and what I tolerate from them. We create our lives and we create the love in it too. We teach people how to treat us. I’ve found that the people closest to me are the ones who hurt me the most but “closeness” is not an excuse to hurt or a justification for that hurt.
Thanks for sharing this.
Excellent post. It takes two people to make a relationship work – but if one of them isn’t putting in the effort, overcompensation by the other partner can’t convert a bad relationship into a good one. And even if we “win” a relationship where we are doing all the hard work, and the other person is slacking off and has our implied permission to treat us badly, we’re not getting what we need or want.
omg. this just absolutely struck a cord with me. i have been in a relationship, off and on for 7 long years. we would break up, get back together, break up, get back together and so the cycle continued. i was often lead to believe that i was worthless, and often faulted for mistakes i made at a young age. i now am at a point in my life that i am VERY excited about new beginnings and feel so good about myself. i know that i am on the way to the best years of my life. it has taken me a long time to get here, but i feel it. part of it, is being secure with yourself, and more importantly happy with yourself! i cant tell you how many times i was made to feel bad about myself, but now realize, it was this other person’s own insecurities and narcissism that lead me to feel that way. happy 2013 and thank you for sharing and clarifying! it has come at a point in my life that i am looking at all wake up calls!
omg. this just absolutely struck a cord with me. i have been in a relationship, off and on for 7 long years. we would break up, get back together, break up, get back together and so the cycle continued. i was often lead to believe that i was worthless, and often faulted for mistakes i made at a young age. i now am at a point in my life that i am VERY excited about new beginnings and feel so good about myself. i know that i am on the way to the best years of my life. it has taken me a long time to get here, but i feel it. part of it, is being secure with yourself, and more importantly happy with yourself! i cant tell you how many times i was made to feel bad about myself, but now realize, it was this other person’s own insecurities and narcissism that lead me to feel that way. happy 2013 and thank you for sharing and clarifying! it has come at a point in my life that i am looking at all wake up calls!
Thank you so much, and you are most welcome!
I’m sure that must have been difficult, even after 1,200 similar arguments. It always seems that next time things will be different. That’s wonderful, that you found the strength to walk away and opened yourself up to something better!
I could relate to a lot of what you wrote Navy, about self-esteem issues from childhood, attaching to other people, and going through periods of depression. I see it as a lifelong process, this whole self-love thing. I actually wrote about that in a different post, if you’re interested in reading it:
http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-love-your-authentic-self/
A truly valuable piece of writing! Thank you! I had been guided by principles and mutual respect all my life. Despite my shyness I managed to pick the right people and build healthy relationships. They were founded on trust and reciprocity.
However, my working relationships were not that healthy. I deterred confrontation because I did not know how to defend myself. I avoided making scenes because I thought that the work place was not the right place to get emotional. I did not have friends among my colleagues but I did not have enemies either.
Deep down I was confident in my skills and abilities. On the surface, my behavior used to signal otherwise.
Somehow, I was perfectly OK with my life as it was until the two worlds collided. This happened 6 years ago. Initially, I was furious then I felt betrayed by my closest ones. Colleagues abused me. My personal relationships were not healthy any more. Suddenly, no one was there for me.
However, over time I found my way. I learned how to be myself with different groups of people. I got rid of my shyness. It’s true that I still learn how to defend my positions better but I know that the worst is in the past. I know that I’m not going to stay in shade any more.
It’s funny how sometimes obvious signs don’t seem as obvious when you don’t want to see them! That’s how it’s been for me. I’ve been in that “want to make things work” place many times before, and I know all about acting from a place of neediness. You’re right–not a great way to grow!
You’re most welcome Vernette. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to make those choices. That’s great you were able to set those boundaries for yourself!
That “implied permission” part really resonated with me. I used to think that so long as I expressed my anger toward someone, I was letting them know their actions weren’t okay. Then I realized that every time I carried on like nothing had happened, I essentially communicated it was okay to repeatedly hurt me. I didn’t have the strength or courage to walk away or set clear boundaries, but once I did it once, I realized I could and needed to do it again (in any unhealthy relationship).
You’re most welcome Terri, and congrats on all your new beginnings! That’s wonderful, that you’ve gotten out of that unhealthy relationship and you’re now feeling good about yourself! =)
You’re most welcome Bri! I think confrontation in general is difficult, but it can be even more challenging in work relationships. Congrats on overcoming your shyness. =)
Hi Lori, another great post! And a good personal refresher for me as well being in situations where I can now, looking back, hear myself saying over and over “But he’s… yes, but he’s just… but…” yikes too many buts along the way! I will carry with me the word in your post, and really start to listen to that little voice inside that knows wrong is wrong… many blessing to you this holiday season Lori and warm wishes to you and yours for a New Year filled with light, love and much joy! Liz
Thanks Liz! I have said those things many times in the past as well. Sending love and light back to you!
dear lori,
thanks for your kind words..ive forgive all who have hurt me.. im still struggling to forgive myself from the previous relationship.. i hate myself for bringing myself into a heart break.. ive been reading articles after articles from tinybuddha and some other sites…. but still finding it tough to forgive myself….life has been tough.. but at least some articles here help me get by the day… thank you…
Thank you so much for this post. Life gave me three wonderful oportunities to learn to say enough is enough, this is not what I want. And I failed the “test” twice, but like they say “third time’s the charm”. I was a bit afraid but love and respect for myself was stronger. I discovered that when you do the right thing, truly the right thing, when you listen to your heart, you feel in peace and relieved.
You’re most welcome Julia. So true. Nothing feels better than taking care of yourself, even if it’s hard!
Wow! This post spoke to me. With everything that is going on with my divorce, I look back on my marriage and all three of the questions apply to my husband. 1) His actions didn’t match his words – he was telling me he loved me while he was having an affair. 2) I constantly made excuses for his behavior – he is depressed, work is not going well, etc. and 3), everything is my fault. His affair, our marital problems, his bad relationship with our son, his mistress breaking up with him. All my fault.
Great post!!
Thank you Heather. I’m so sorry to hear about your divorce, but happy for you that you’ve gotten out of that unhealthy relationship!
I came across this blog last week only as I like to read self help books and blogs online in my commute. This blog has very interesting post and points that many of us do not necessary focus on our fast pace life…My favorite part on this blog so far is “part 1. Do their actions frequently contradict their words?” from this entry…RELATIONSHIPS THAT HURT: WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
It’s very true that, often we ignore clear facts and clues in life and evaluate situation around us with emotion and attachments. We drag ourselves into sad situation and blame ourselves at the end. Nothing wrong with us, but the we either do not focus on those clues that others sends us or clearly not ready to accept the facts. I love this part 1 and definitely helped me evaluate some of my situations at work, and personal life. You need honest people around you who has only 1 face.
Thanks Lori for great content on this blog and looking forward to read and learn more from this. Thanks for offering a chance to participate in this giveaway contest as well.
You are most welcome. I heard a line in a movie recently that really resonated with me. A woman was talking about her father, how he’d suddenly stopped coming around when she was a kid. (He was actually married to someone other than her mother and had a whole other family).
She said the crazy part was that she didn’t ask herself, “What’s wrong with him?” She asked herself, “What’s wrong with me?” I suspect a lot of us do that. It’s so liberating to realize we don’t have to take blame for other people’s actions. We’re not responsible for what other people do.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I feel as if this response was written by me…word for word. I could have sworn that I loved myself. Look at how much I love others. Is it true that I don’t? Could that be the missing link in it all?
Thank you for posting.