“Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.” ~Buddha
I always felt invisible whenever my husband and I got together with a certain couple.
Every time we saw them, it triggered feelings of rejection because they would go on and on about themselves and never ask about how I was doing or feeling. I went home feeling ignored and sad every time.
Finally, after putting up with this non-reciprocal relationship for a number of years, I decided that it was best for us to break free from it.
For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why this self-absorbed behavior bothered me so much.
Eventually, the light bulb went off and I realized I kept hoping that one day this couple would validate me, in the same way that I kept hoping and hoping that one day my father would validate me.
You see, my biggest negative childhood trauma was feeling invisible and unworthy of my father’s love. So anytime someone, like this couple, ignores me and I feel invisible, the little girl inside me feels pain.
You may have people that trigger the young vulnerable parts of you, leading you to feel unloved, unworthy, and invisible.
This little girl that is frozen in time in my psyche felt worthless and not enough.
She eventually had had enough of me ignoring her, and she sought redemption by making me have a two-year battle with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks.
Antidepressants and therapy took the edge off, but they didn’t heal the source of the hurt.
I was searching for answers on how to permanently get rid of emotional scars, like a gardener looking for a way to dig up and discard the roots of stubborn weeds. My search ended when I discovered a little known powerful, rapid, and different method of healing emotional scars through self-led re-parenting and unburdening young parts of toxic memories.
The young parts of you that hold negative emotions of shame, guilt, rejection, abandonment, and unworthiness need the love and reassurance from you that they never got when they first experienced negative events.
I went back into the old toxic experiences that created the faulty beliefs that I was unlovable, unworthy, and not enough. I “re-parented” that little girl by telling her she is lovable, worthy, and enough.
I explained to her that Dad didn’t know how to show his love. He was acting from his wounded parts, and that’s why she grew up in an environment that was filled with emotional misery.
The little girl now understands what happened, and she’s able to believe that she is worthy, enough, and lovable because I told her she was. She is no longer frozen in time and has come into the present with me, where she resides in my heart.
As a result of loving this young part, I recovered from depression, anxiety, and panic attacks for good.
I also stepped into my father’s shoes and now know that validating me is something he was not capable of, because of his upbringing. I have forgiven him and now have compassion for him instead of anger.
I am so thankful that this couple was in my life. They gave me the gift of identifying my most painful emotional wound.
Who pushes your buttons? What is the gift they are giving you to help you identify your most painful wounds?
This re-parenting technique that resulted in unconditionally loving myself has positively and permanently shifted my happiness set point and boosted my self-esteem and confidence.
Nothing is holding me back from being happy now and in the journey to living to my potential and making a difference.
My wounded part showed up as depression. Your wounded parts may show up as health and weight challenges; addictions such as eating too much, drinking too much, shopping too much, and procrastination; self-sabotage; anger; perfectionism; or overachievement.
The following steps will help you heal your emotional scars at their source, delete the limiting beliefs that keep you stuck, and reprogram your brain with positive beliefs.
1. Identify who triggers you.
Which feelings do they trigger? Who is the parent, teacher, sibling, or old boyfriend/girlfriend with whom you originally felt this way?
2. Step into this person’s shoes.
Understand how much pain they are in from their own past. This will help you have compassion for them and forgive them.
3. Access the young part of you that acquired the faulty beliefs as a result of interactions with this person.
Examples of faulty negative core beliefs are: “I’m not lovable,” “I’m not enough,” “I’m not worthy,” and “I’ll never amount to anything.”
4. Recall a scene that made you believe you were bad.
Be with that part and give it the love and reassurance that it never got when that event happened. Tell it that it is lovable, worthy, and enough. Soak in the image of your loving self of today kissing, loving, and hugging this young part.
5. Unburden yourself of the original negative feelings and beliefs.
Imagine the ocean washing away the faulty beliefs of “I’m not lovable,” “I’m not worthy,” and “I’m not enough.” This energetically releases the bad memories and beliefs from your body.
6. Bring that young part into the present.
Have it be part of your team to move you forward and be happy.
Healing myself through this technique has allowed me to create a new narrative for my life story. I now believe the Universe purposely gave me negative experiences for the evolution of my soul.
These events gave me the gift of finding my life’s calling.
You too can figure out your life’s mission by healing your emotional scars first. Then you can figure out the new narrative that helps you make lemonade out of your lemons. As a result, you can live fully with joy and purpose before you die.
When you heal the emotional scars that keep you unhappy, you can significantly improve your happiness set point and positively change the course of your life.
So, if you have people that push your buttons, thank them for being in your life. They are a gift because they help you find the source of your deepest wounds, which hold you back from being shameless and confidently showing up as the happiest version of you.
Do you have emotional scars that are triggered by certain people?
About Emily Filloramo
Emily Filloramo is a Success and Happiness Catalyst. Go from good to GREAT! Emily guides you to permanently boost happiness, self-esteem and confidence through discarding emotional baggage. Get your free copy of “3 Steps To Discard The Emotional Baggage that Keep You Stuck” at http://www.successandjoynow.com/gift/ebook/
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Amazing post. Loved all 6 steps.
i believe, for not getting hurt by others in future, it is very important to establish personal boundaries.
Check out the details on personal boundaries at: http://gameligit.com/personal-boundaries-secret-mutual-respect/
I have been and still am going through this.. for the same reason you went through this as a child. It’s crazy how events in childhood can bring about new anxieties & worries as you grow older. If only we could heal them before they develop new problems.
Great turn around and very helpful steps to follow. This is all a part of loving each part of ourselves and turning pain into gold.
Love this post. Very helpful and beautiful, healing steps to freedom.
Good suggestions. I’d like to add something addressing your issue with the self-focused friends. It’s a growing experience to step out of our comfort zone now and then. Instead of ditching the friendship why not talk to the couple about the issue. This can be done in a compassionate, loving manner. Outing yourself about your triggers and then asking for more reciprocal conversation. I’ve had this conversation with people and they were surprised that I felt unheard. There are some friends (and family) that have continued making it all about them and I’ve chosen to lessen my exposure instead of ditching the friendship/family connection altogether.
In our household of three the rule was that each person got 1/3 of the talk time. If someone opted out of their 1/3 it was THEIR choice. We installed this ‘rule’ because I grew tired of people addressing me about my son as if he was invisible (people still do that and he’s now 18 years-old).
I’ll be 60 next year and have come to the realization that life does not wait while you figure it all out. You get one opportunity to create a life you love and that contributes to others . . . don’t play small . . . step out BIG!
This is a really good post Emily! We all have “buttons” that others can push. At the same time, we need to take responsibility for healing those past hurts and wounds. The people who show us where those wounds are can ultimately be our best teachers.
I loved this post. I related to it so much. My wounds must have been so deep because I had very strong reactions to my button-pusher. I am still untangling my lessons and seeking to be grateful for them and my button-pusher(s). 🙂
Thanks for that metaphor to meditate on today…”pain into gold”.
Glad you are finding it helpful. If you want more specifics you can download my free ebook through the link at the end of the article. 🙂
Yes you can heal them Makayla so that they don’t affect your life as much moving forward.
WOW WOW WOW!!!! This hit home. There is a particular person who really pushes my buttons and I have “blocked” him out of my life. This person has made me feel very inferior and inadequate. And in some way I feel that he is trying to jinx my career opportunities. I am a bit jealous of him because he got a lead part in a film while I was casted as an extra. But I believe that I give this person power over my emotions. So I made the decision to get rid of him because he no longer serves me.
I love your tips about reprogramming your brain for positive thinking. I think this experience has taught me a great lessons in controlling my thoughts and reminding myself that every experience whether good or bad is teaching me a lesson that i need to learn and The Universe is always on my side, helping reach the highest version of myself, career-wise and personally.
Thank you for this post, Emily.
Wonderful and resonant. Thank you!
Talya, yes… people come into our lives for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes we just have to cut the cord loose with others because they are not going to change.
I believe the Universe gives us exactly what we need to learn our lessons. Otherwise, the other option is to play the victim and be negative for the rest of your life and end up dying with regrets.
Well said, Ed. Now if more people healed, we probably wouldn’t experience as much conflict in the world…
Yes, you are right beach mama. I have spent so much time just asking about them and letting them talk about themselves, hoping that they would take a genuine interest in me, but it never happened.
They have driven many friends away because they do not think there is anything wrong with their self-absorption.
Self-absorption behavior is a young PART that is acting out. A PART that needs constant admiration from the outside to feel worthy. It’s a PART that took on extreme roles as a result of some devaluing experience from childhood.
So I have released this couple… with compassion.
Thank you so much for this post. I have been dealing with a co-worker issue for some time. While I thought that all parties had moved on I learned the other day that this was not the case. I finally had the courage to speak up today and seek a little assistance with the matter……after months of focusing on the “whys” (why is this happening, why won’t this person leave me alone, why won’t this person just let it go)…..I think I have discovered that my buttons were being pushed to help me to learn to stand up for myself and that it’s ok to ask for help when I need it.
Amazing article, thank you!
Thank you so much for the post. I can relate a lot from your experience as it happened to younger me too. I just realized why I constantly feel pain wherever someone ignores my presence and think of it as a big deal.
to help heal the scar isn’t easy but with this guidance I’m trying to. Once again, thank you! It feels great to know that you can turn negativity into positive wisdom!
I had a painful co-worker issue too. Then I realized that the way I was being treated was a reflection of my most painful moments from childhood.
When I put the filter of “I feel sorry for this person because they are more than likely acting out from their childhood wounds too and I’m contributing to it”. Having this filter changed the way I felt about the person. The energy with which I interacted with them moving forward also changed for the better.
Esther – glad you liked it. Just ask yourself who from past is the button-pusher is reminding of?
Very timely for me! Thank you – you put this into perspective for me! Thanks Emily!
Thank you, Emily. It was very helpful for me!
I was looking for some metaphors of re-parenting, and I have found something really good.
The movie “The Kid” (2000) with Bruce Williams.
I wish it would be helpful for those who need.
Thanks again!
Pavel – “The Kid” depicts this Self-led reparenting technique pretty well. The last 20 minutes of the movie shows exactly that. This is where healing takes place.
If you want to figure out which part of you really needs the most healing, the movie “White Oleander” with Michelle Pfeiffer is an intense movie that will “trigger” the little boy or little girl inside of you that is filled with pain. Have some tissues ready.
Thank you, thank you, for addressing this common feeling that we all often ignore. Suffering from similar problems myself, I always wondered why I felt so unhappy, so tragically close to tears after interactions with certain people…it took some time and self-inspection to realize what you so eloquently summed up in one article. Thank you.
I so glad the article was helpful to you, Chau.
Thank you, more than words can say.
I just came across this article as I went through a similar experience with “never to this day” getting the validation I needed from my father as a child and as an adult. I often would get upset around certain people and I even let a few people go in the past year. I understand more now why and how I can change this behavior and be more loving towards myself and ultimately towards others!! Thank you!!
So glad that this article was helpful to you. 🙂
Thanks for sharing your experience Prisilia. We have a choice to see the positive in the negative experience… it can be hard to accept it sometimes… I had a hard time too but it’s the only way to move forward. 🙂
understand, forgive, strengthen, be thankful
thank you i love this post!
Thank you so much for writing this and sharing your experience with your father and how it related to your later life. I too suffered invalidation from not only my father, my mother, other family members and peers. I have been through many years of therapy and now have the same understanding of all people who invalidate others, they themselves were never validated. People do what they know how to do, life doesn’t come with an instruction manual and if no one tells you it’s broken, you will never know what needs to be fixed.
Sigh. Oboy. Now I know the writer is full of BS. Just look at animals. They have the capability of making each other angry and fight just like us humans. Coincidence? The animals don’t try to rationalize it like us humans. The good news if anybody physically touches you they can get sued. My recommendation is to evolve and ignore the rest of it, including the mind control and manipulative stuff humans pull on each other. Sadly there is no way to sue for that. You just have to ignore it and get around it. You can tell that I happily don’t follow a party line. I tell it like it is. 🙂
Our internal energy is reflected back to us.
I have been working through something similar, thank you for sharing your experience. I’ve also found that Transformational Breathing – a self healing breathing technique has really helped me to let go of a lot of unprocessed emotions that I’ve held onto for a really long time, leaving me feeling lighter and more confident in who I am and that I am indeed enough. X
Thank you for these techniques!
Thanks for this article! I love how simply and clearly you’ve explained why other people can push our buttons and how to use this to heal our own childhood wounds. I use a technique called Voice Dialogue that enables you to access the various parts of yourself, such as your inner child, and also your own internalised version of your parents/carers so that you can really experience their perspective. You could use the step-by-step process you’ve described with Voice Dialogue so easily…
Beautifully written, encouraging in every way, and empowering. I throughly appreciated your post, thank you so much for sharing.
Is childhood to blame or is it that this couple was selfishy self-centered and self-absorbed??? I wouldn’t want a one-sided relationship with anyone, plain and simple, and is easily explained without delving into a psychoanalysis dribble of one’s childhood. Geez.