“You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.” ~Buddha
I went camping recently, something that I was really looking forward to, but I didn’t last long. Due to health conditions, my friend and I had to abandon camp at three in the morning because the cold got to me in a big way.
This awful experience has left me feeling dejected and rather ashamed of myself. Who the hell can’t manage a couple of nights camping? I’m being too hard on myself, but the point is I’m feeling angry.
You know what that whole anger thing is like:
Your kid goes over the other side of town with friends when you’ve asked them not to because you don’t want them to get hurt. Your sister borrows your favorite top and spills wine down it, then hides it back in your wardrobe. Your best friend nails that promotion after saying she wouldn’t apply because she knew you were desperate for it.
There are countless situations in our lives that can give rise to anger. It’s up to us to recognize them and do something about it before it gets out of hand.
I admit it: I am an angry person. How angry you ask?
A young girl walked up to me in my village and asked me to buy her cigarettes the other day. The bile shot into my throat and I yelled at her without even thinking, furious that a child had just asked me to illegally purchase a dangerous product for her.
I was livid to see that a man went on to buy the cigarettes for the girl, and pretty much boiling over with rage at the shop keeper who knew the kids were trying to pull a fast one and didn’t bother to question the man. I watched the whole thing happen and then I seethed for the whole day over it.
I thought about how I wanted to thump the girl for being so stupid, the man for breaking the law, and the shop keeper for being so apathetic. I indulged these little fantasies for the whole day. They virtually consumed me until my best friend pointed out that I was seriously overreacting and setting myself up to be ignored, when all I want is to be heard.
I consider myself to be a good person but my extreme anger makes me intolerable—I know this. I frighten people when I lose my rag.
But why am I like this?
As I ranted on to my friend, I explained that all I ever see is destruction, war, death, and suffering. I see liars and those who just want to fill their pockets at other people’s expense.
I see the knowingly selfish and people who don’t care about others. I see an unjust world where people, animals, and the planet all suffer at the expense of the seemingly few. It makes me wild.
My friend was quick and right to point out that, because I see all of this, I’m blinding myself to the good things in life: the people who do care about the planet, those who do uphold a strong set of morals and live by them, and others who are just and do the right thing.
I forget about myself too—the good things I make happen, like writing here and sharing my experiences openly and without shame.
My anger stems from my passion and desire for a better world. I want things to be better for everyone (including myself—especially myself). But it’s my current inability to express these things and be heard, to be taken seriously, that give rise to the firestorm that is my anger.
Nobody is pulling me up for it, nobody is telling me off for losing my temper so easily and frequently. (I’m not surprised by this actually, because I’d certainly not confront me for it!) Odds are, nobody is going to.
In the meantime, I am suffering because of my anger:
- People won’t listen to me or take me seriously because all they see is an incoherent screaming ball of wrath.
- The incoherence is another point. How can I articulate myself over the things I believe in if my anger stops me from getting my words in the right order?
- Because I’m hung up on my anger, I can’t let it go, which means it affects me physically. It makes me feel sick as my blood pressure soars; I begin to go deaf and everything starts to get fuzzy around the edges and I even get chest pains.
- Being angry all the time is a lonely business. Not many people want to be around someone who can snap at the smallest incident.
- Anger causes blindness. I can’t see the whole picture when I’m hell bent on venting my fury and exacting my will.
- I always say things I regret when I’m gnashing my teeth, usually to the people I love the most. Everything comes out; nothing is censored.
- I have little joy in my life right now because everything gets under my skin and annoys me, and then I get irritated by this fact.
I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life and I can guess that you wouldn’t either.
The first step of moving away from my punishing anger is admitting that I’m angry, understanding why, and forgiving myself for it—which I’ve begun to do, thanks to my best friend who took the time to stand up to me and show me my reflection.
The next step is learning to let it go and be the person I want to be.
Deep breath, here goes…
Photo by Robert Couse-Baker
About Sam Russell
Sam Russell is a young writer from the southeastern corner of the UK. He’s a cynic by nature trying to prove that cynics can be happy and positive, too. Visit his blog at http://cackhanded.wordpress.com/.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
When we get angry, we actually punish ourselves. In Louise Hay’s book ‘The Power is Within You’ I read that anger is on of the toughest negative emotion to conquer. And it should be released. Of course, not on people around you but it should be released. Keeping it inside bring you illness and diseases.
An angry man may seem rude and hard, but actually, he’s the most feeble thing living.
To conquer anger, just tell yourself that you don’t want to be angry anymore and constantly remember it, and it’ll happen 🙂
thank you for writing this. i am like that too. have always been. not sure what the solution is. i think of many when i am calm, but when i am hit by a anger provoking situation it all flies out of the window. often i am just walking around without any stimulus, just memories of past injustice keeps playing over and over in my head and i am mad all over again. had read somewhere about a trick where you focus on the physical sensations – like you were watching them. or just let yourself be mad, and ride it like a wave. i don’t know. lots of theories out there, but in my case they just seem theories, don’t really work. i really want, no – need, to overcome this
I’ve struggled with anger issues since I was a kid. It is built into my natural reaction. While reading this article, it really made me realize how angry I am, that is, until recently because of a new relationship. My partner’s anger complex polarizes mine in many respects and mirrors it in others. This polarity, and similarly, the duality, has brought us both to a point where we can take on our anger. Being our uninhibited selves has forced us to work on the parts we truly dislike from within. We recently read Honor Your Anger, and that helped propel us into a much happier, less aggressive mindset.
But truly, it has been through recognition, acceptance and the willingness to view ourselves as we really are, that has given us the ability and the drive to move forward. Not only has our relationship blossomed, but so have we.
Thank you for this wonderful and inspirational article. I know it will touch others, as it has touched me.
Not bad Sam. I really enjoyed it “Full of sound and fury – signifying something”.
A cynic by nature? Is that not a learned way of viewing the world?I try to remind myself that the cup is half full, not half empty.
Thank you Sam for sharing this brave, honest post. I think a lot of people carry anger around but choose not to acknowledge it. We often think we need to squish down our feelings in order to be positive, but that doesn’t address the underlying causes.
I always appreciate your honesty! If we can all take an honest look at ourselves without shame or judgment, we’ll be in a fantastic position to make the world a better place =)
I love this post, and I do get the same way sometimes with anger. I tend to simply resent people for what they’re doing to the world around them, and just like you said, no one takes me seriously because I have smoke coming out of my ears and I’m stomping my feet and I basically just look ridiculous. This is definitely something I need to work on as well.
I work with a variety of people who really need help and the hardest thing for me to deal with is working with people who dont care and half do their jobs and make my job more complicated. I just couldn’t understand why people worked with people in need and then not even do their part to help and most of the time they add to the situation. It made me angry and I wanted it to change but not everyone felt that way.
One day I finally understood why I wasn’t getting much accomplished. I had the opportunity to work with a nurse who was pretty blunt and to the point most of the time when expressing her thoughts on situations. Then it hit me …her passion for helping and doing things right was transformed by her anger and frustration and came off as aggressive and offensive. She was viewed as crazy and aggressive and was often ignored. When I say myself in her and I thought I’ve got some serious work to do.
Now I’m learning to apply “mind over matter” and it has helped me to upgrade my thought process and approach when communicating an dexpressing my thoughts an dfeelings. I know I can only control my feelings and actions, but I can affect the feelings and actions of others.
I listened to “Don’t Bite the Hook” by Pema Chodron on audiobook. I found it to be pretty helpful personally and tweaked my perspective on the situation. I can related to your feelings with this and the struggle it can be some days. You’re not alone (even though it can sometimes feel that way when others don’t get what it’s like to be wired up this way).
[…] Punished By Anger | tinybuddha.com […]
[…] Punished By Anger | tinybuddha.com […]
[…] Post: Punished by Anger SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "Tiny Wisdom: On Torturing Yourself", url: […]
Thanks for reading Pauly!
And thank you for pointing out that I’m not on my own with this one. I tend to forget that when I’m going off on one – oh to be mindful 😉
Kudos
I agree Jaky, anger is pretty tough to overcome. I know mine certainly is! I feel though that I need to do more than just tell myself I don’t want this anymore.
It’s like with most of areas in my life I’m trying to make good on – my fears and doubts, my health and my presence in the world – I have to do more than just say. I have to do.
Anger for me is sometimes a positive emotion as it spurrs me to take action but a lot of the time, it’s just a big ol’ pile of crummy feelings and pain that I’ve been too scared and dejected to deal with.
I guess everyone deals with it differently 🙂
Kudos
~Q,
Gosh yes! It’s always a real shocker when you’re forced to take a good look at yourself. I really don’t like doing it but sometimes it’s needed because I can be a real hydra.
I’ve never tried ‘mind over matter’ before, I’ll have to give it a try!
Kudos
Michelle,
Thanks for reading 🙂
I sometimes wonder, usually as I’m transforming into a beast and laying waste to everything in a 5 mile radius (it happens), if only people listened, would I lose my temper so much?
I think it’s great that I’ve decided to do something about this – that any person can see how bad their anger has got and make the effort to change – but I always feel a bit dismayed with how other people aren’t willing to change too. As in listen and not give me a reason to blow a few thousand gaskets.
Stange, don’t you think?
Maybe now I’m making the conscious effort to calm down, I can point this out to the people who’ve previously been the spark to my temper!
I wish you luck on your journey!
Kudos
Well, Russell, as me and I’ll tell you that it’s not advisable to not be
angry all the time. We should be. We are humans. We just shouldn’t make our
anger effect (or affect) others. When I feel angry, I try to keep silent and
run to the most empty corner of the place I’m in. Stand there, think, abuse,
and release the anger in anyway I can and then enjoyable come back.
I used to feel guilty for some time about being angry, but then I thought it
was actually helping me. No more I feel bad when others get angry on me. Now
that I don’t feel bad, law of attraction (yes, it works) gets to me only
happy things.
Lori,
You’re most welcome. I’m always happy to unravel part of myself for a bit of exploration and if I can help others along the way – great!
I’ve given on shame. What a pointless feeling, stopping you from doing and feeling a being so much!
Thanks for posting my work 🙂
Kudos
ricercar,
Good to see you again, friend!
I know what you mean with the anger management theories. I’ve tried a couple out but I feel like a right idiot in doing them; they just don’t seem to work for me.
I guess that if we can’t find what we’re looking for, then we have to create it. Which is much more interesting and productive, don’t you think?
Kudos
Joshua,
I’m really pleased that you and your partner have found a way to work together in managing the anger you both feel. I think that in itself is inspirational! How many people can say that they do that?
Kudos, my friend.
Thanks for reading Dan, I’m glad you enjoyed!
Kudos
Christina,
Cynicism may well be an acquired state, but then so is pessimism and optimism and everything else in between. I say ‘by nature’ as a satyrical stance on anything being of such importance that it can’t be different.
And I think a cynic would be more inclined to question whether the glass was really that important, I know I would!
I like your advice on stepping back – I don’t often do that so I’ll have to work it into my ‘Little Anger Emergency’ kit.
Kudos
You make a good point about feeling bad over anger. I end up lumped with some terrible guilt after I’ve finished fuming. Something else I need to address! Thanks for bringing it up 🙂
Kudos
Great article! Thank you for being so open and honest…I could totally feel your anger while reading it!
For the past couple of years I’ve been looking at myself very thoroughly. Very often my emotions (not just anger) could go completely out of control (including depression).
What I’ve figured out is that when an emotion is very strong – stronger than the situation at hand would imply – something old in myself is touched (old pain), often from early childhood. Anger, but also hope, depression/sadness, fear and “i don’t care” are ways to not feel this old pain. When I’m acting from these defenses I’m actually looking from the perspective of the child in me, although it looks like it is happening now (your “anger causes blindness”)
Anger is a difficult emotion because when you’re in it, it feels so “right”. Until I started to write down the thoughts that were behind my emotion… then I could see it was my past speaking and I had the possibility to let go of my anger (easier said than done though).
Was there a time in your past (childhood?) when people wouldn’t listen to you or take you seriously? Could that be the “strong” part of your anger?
I can’t really tell you, you’ll have to investigate for yourself… it might even be an unconscious part…
What helped me a lot are the books by Ingeborg Bosch:
http://www.pastrealityintegration.com/default.asp?contentID=1
So far it all seems to fit with my own experiences.
Good luck with ‘conquering’ your anger, you do have a choice when you make the underlying patterns conscious! And remember: don’t get angry with yourself, because you’re angry 😉
Great article! Thank you for being so open and honest…I could totally feel your anger while reading it!
For the past couple of years I’ve been looking at myself very thoroughly. Very often my emotions (not just anger) could go completely out of control (including depression).
What I’ve figured out is that when an emotion is very strong – stronger than the situation at hand would imply – something old in myself is touched (old pain), often from early childhood. Anger, but also hope, depression/sadness, fear and “i don’t care” are ways to not feel this old pain. When I’m acting from these defenses I’m actually looking from the perspective of the child in me, although it looks like it is happening now (your “anger causes blindness”)
Anger is a difficult emotion because when you’re in it, it feels so “right”. Until I started to write down the thoughts that were behind my emotion… then I could see it was my past speaking and I had the possibility to let go of my anger (easier said than done though).
Was there a time in your past (childhood?) when people wouldn’t listen to you or take you seriously? Could that be the “strong” part of your anger?
I can’t really tell you, you’ll have to investigate for yourself… it might even be an unconscious part…
What helped me a lot are the books by Ingeborg Bosch:
http://www.pastrealityintegration.com/default.asp?contentID=1
So far it all seems to fit with my own experiences.
Good luck with ‘conquering’ your anger, you do have a choice when you make the underlying patterns conscious! And remember: don’t get angry with yourself, because you’re angry 😉
And I forgot to end with the following nice quote by Adyashanti:
When you get upset with people, it’s really because the love is there and you don’t want it to be.
I read TinyBuddha regularly and this is the most helpful and relevant of the many useful posts I’ve found. I want to thank you for being so honest and meticulous in breaking down the steps of how your anger arises in a situation and pinpointing the triggers and “backstory.” I think a lot of anger stems from self-hatred, which of course anger perpetuates because then we hate ourselves more for having lost our temper. Your point about forgiving yourself for becoming angry is a key to breaking the cycle — and a foreign concept to me that will require work to absorb. We see ourselves as “the angry one” or “cursed by our temper” instead of looking at it as a longstanding misconception or habit that causes us pain. How lovely if we could/can gently let it go and express our opposition in a way that leaves ourself and others feeling peaceful. Thank you for the gift of this column, Sam.
I completely understand what you mean. I tend to have the same problem. I’ll get upset over what many would say are little things, but to me they are big. Like you, I have had to learn how to control myself. I was fortunate enough to read once something a Buddhist monk said, “Anger comes from not being able to control things”. Now I ask myself, ‘can I control the outcome?’ If I can’t then I just let it go and try to focus on what I can control which are my own actions.
Of course this doesn’t mean that I don’t get angry anymore, but at least I can stop and think before it gets to me too much.
A very brave and honest essay on anger. Thank you!
Buy:Viagra Soft Tabs.Viagra Super Active+.Cialis Soft Tabs.VPXL.Cialis Super Active+.Super Active ED Pack.Propecia.Tramadol.Viagra.Viagra Super Force.Viagra Professional.Cialis Professional.Levitra.Cialis.Zithromax.Soma.Maxaman….
Buy:Ventolin.Female Cialis.Zetia.Female Pink Viagra.Amoxicillin.Wellbutrin SR.Lasix.Acomplia.SleepWell.Aricept.Advair.Buspar.Zocor.Prozac.Cozaar.Benicar.Seroquel.Nymphomax.Lipitor.Lipothin….
Infiniti http://a5q.zst.michaelsavage.co : 2009…
Coupe…
…
BUY FASHION. TOP BRANDS: GUCCI, DOLCE&GABBANA, BURBERRY, DIESEL, ICEBERG, ROBERTO CAVALLI, EMPORIO ARMANI, VERSACE…