“When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl
There’s probably no worse feeling in life than the feeling of being rejected. Whether it’s from the opposite sex, a friend or family member, or co-workers, the feeling that our presence is not wanted or no longer welcomed can cause us to feel hurt and become defensive.
I’ve learned a couple of ways of dealing with rejection when it arises in various situations, and for taking the sting out of it.
The first thing to realize is that rejection isn’t personal. Not really, anyway. It only seems that way because that’s how we tend to look at it.
I’ve found that when people reject us, there are times when there’s something we can learn from it, and there are other times when it’s completely on the other person.
So, let’s take a look at these two experiences of rejection, and discuss ways for dealing with them…
When Our Behavior Turns Others Off
People sometimes reject us because of the behavior we exhibit in our interactions with them. When people feel uncomfortable, they’re instinctively going to want to prevent themselves from experiencing annoyance or irritation. And their obvious solution is to remove themselves from our presence.
The result is that we end up feeling rejected by it.
But that’s why rejection isn’t personal. In this case, they’re not rejecting us; they’re rejecting our behavior.
And though it is true that we sometimes associate and attribute our behavior with our identities, it’s not really the case. After all, if you change some of your behavior, aren’t you still the same person? Just because you choose to act in a different way, that doesn’t mean you’re not yourself.
When I was twenty, I had a big crush on a girl I worked with. We went out a few times and it seemed to start off well. But slowly, she started to pull away and avoid me.
It stung. And for a while, I couldn’t figure out what went wrong. I thought about what a great guy I thought I was, and wondered why she couldn’t see that, and why she wasn’t coming to her senses.
But I soon realized that my problem was this: I was focused on why she should like me, not why she didn’t.
I later discovered that I had been acting in ways that made her uncomfortable, ways that turned her off and repelled her, all without realizing it at the time.
I’d call her too often, I’d give her too much attention, always lingering around, I’d buy her gifts to try to buy her affections… the list went on and on.
Once I discovered that these things turned her off, I set out to eliminate them from my interactions in the future. And my results in the dating department changed drastically when I did.
There are lots of behaviors that make almost everyone feel uncomfortable, including dumping our complaints on others, acting needy and clingy, bragging about ourselves, being defensive and argumentative, being overly critical and judgmental of other people, and many more.
Addressing these behaviors takes some introspection. We have to discover what’s motivating them in the first place. And what usually motivates them, ironically, is the desire to gain approval from others.
When we recognize these behaviors and work on them, we’re less likely to make others feel uncomfortable. This doesn’t guarantee other people won’t reject us, but it does decrease the odds that they’ll want to avoid us.
When We Fail To Meet Others’ Expectations
People can also reject us because of their own personal prejudices, values, or beliefs.
I’m talking about those situations where someone else has certain expectations for us that we don’t meet up to. This is the case of the son who wants to be a musician, but whose father wants him to be a lawyer. If the son pursues his dream, his dad is going to reject him.
Or the introverted and reserved boyfriend who feels rejected because his girlfriend criticizes him for not being more outgoing, like her.
Sometimes rejection is simply caused by an incompatibility of values, beliefs, or personality types between people.
This is that scenario where rejection happens because people disagree with our life choices, or because they simply have different opinions, lifestyles, or personalities than us.
In these cases, all you can really do is accept that someone else is rejecting you because of their expectations for you. Again, it isn’t really personal. It’s often due to someone else’s inability to accept you for who and where you are. And they are entitled to that choice.
Accept that this is generally their issue, not yours. Or it could just be a compatibility issue neither of you is responsible for.
Knowing How to Respond to Rejection
It’s not always easy to recognize if there’s something to learn from rejection, or if the rejection is merely a consequence of someone else’s unmet expectations. But the distinction becomes much clearer when we develop self-awareness about our behaviors and how they affect others.
Either way, understanding the causes of rejection can take the sting out of it, because it’s never about who we are; it’s about what we’re doing. And we can either work to change our choices, or recognize that someone else is unable to accept them, and that’s completely on them.
Rejection image via Shutterstock
About Keenan Patram
Keenan Patram is a thinker and writer. His interests revolve around deepening his understanding of human nature and identifying why some people succeed in life while others fail.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Unfortunately, people cannot disassociate behavior from the person. People don’t care to know whether you are having a bad day, you are going through some tough times. They just see this behavior and automatically “tag” you with it. Even though the behavior might be (and should be!) transitory, shaking off that perception or “tag” is quite difficult once you get it. I guess it is a variation of “judging the book by the cover”, imho.
This is a really good post. I enjoyed reading it. You make a great point that there are times when we have something to learn from rejection, and other times it’s just a compatibilty issue. I used to be devastated by rejection. I always assumed it was me every time. Once I was hurt so bad that I just learned to deal with it. I learned to not reject myself. After that, I have had less problems with rejection and other people’s perceptions of me. But there are still times when it hurts. Some people are more sensitive to these things than others. It seems that the most sensitive people are the ones who get rejected the most, because they care and are conscientious of themselves around others. People who don’t care about rejection are usually comfortable with themselves and get rejected less. Still, I wouldn’t trade insensitivity for acceptance.
Thanks Keenam, nice article. Look forward to reading more of your thoughts!
Thanks Keenan, look forward to reading more of your thoughts!
The author left out the main theme: Energy (Chi). People will unconsciously, subconsciously, and consciously reject a person carrying bad energy (toxic aura) …it’s a basic survival instinct. Often, others judge character within seconds, before words are spoken. Clean your Chi and people will come to you instead of walk away. …this is no easy task for those who are damaged and refuse to leave their damage in the past.
opposite sex…how does that apply to gay folks? Please be inclusive
jj, the author was using a personal footnote in the article, the rest is inclusive. Read it again and figure it out.
-a fellow queer
I’m working on this right now too; the best thing you can do is get out of your own way. When you stop seeing yourself as the center of everything, things that happen to and around you will not rock your world. Decenter yourself and you’ll be less affected by everything that happens; you’ll be able to see the forest for the trees.
the author was using a personal footnote in the article, the rest is inclusive. Read it again and figure it out.
-a fellow queer
Keenan, this post really resonated with me. It was perfect timing!!! Thank you fir writing this.
Nice article.
This did not make me feel better at all, unfortunately. I don’t know why I was “rejected” and I’m not about to ask her. I’m only left with assumptions and I think that is what makes it harder… not knowing why.
Great article in a much needed time! Dealing with rejection from my boyfriend’s mother. It hurts. Thank you for acknowledging rejection is an awful feeling.
Since he is not gay then he could not possibly include that since he was sharing personal experiences. I am not sure why you feel the article could not apply to gay people. But if you need more than what this author can provide then perhaps you should be seeking out gay authors to clarify things for you.
Marco you don’t need to know why, you just have to take care of you and that’s all that matters.
Thank you for sharing this…this was really insightful & quite eye-opening as well…:)
“Still, I wouldn’t trade insensitivity for acceptance.” That’s beautiful; try to never lose that about yourself…
That’s a great point you made about the ENERGY & I’m a big believer in that as well. Even though the author didn’t use the world, Chi (energy), I think he pretty much meant the same thing more or less in these sentences… “People sometimes reject us because of the behavior we exhibit in our interactions with them. When people feel uncomfortable, they’re instinctively going to want to prevent themselves from experiencing annoyance or irritation. And their obvious solution is to remove themselves from our presence. The result is that we end up feeling rejected by it.”
Why u people always want to win..u r not a god. keep patience. It’s time issue. try to learn practically .u can’t stop the uncertainty but u pretend urself to fight as like as the same strength . Nobody in this world is powerful than time..come to be a strength kind of people then u feel the reality of problem and how u the one who fight with the problem..it will give u strength and energy. See it practically. Don’t wish always things without giving effort with strength if not it makes you weak day by day. tackle the problem from front and defeat it….
Such a wise explanation… learn to accept and respect others’choice without taking all responsibility is life-changing lessons and bringing us much freedom to be our true self. Thank you. Love this so much
Scott, I couldn’t agree with you more.
Glad to be of service.
jj, you’re right. In my first paragraph I wrote the “opposite sex” when using something like “love interest” would have been more inclusive. Being a straight guy, I never considered this before, so thanks for pointing it out. It will probably affect my approach to writing articles in the future.
Glad to be of service to you.
To everyone I didn’t directly reply to who left a comment thanking me, thank-you for letting me know you found this article valuable. As I writer, I love to know when my words are having a positive impact on the lives of others.
Being sensitive is a double-edged sword, for sure. But without that sensitivity we would not have empathy for others and also would not have the capacity for introspection. Both are necessary qualities for a spiritual path.
The key that the author mentions is not taking on that as a harsh judgment against ourselves. It can be difficult. For me it started in childhood with a verbally abusive mother. Every time I am rejected or perceive rejection it takes me right back to that vulnerable place. I have to remind myself that the situation is not the same and that I am not powerless like I was before. And that my mother was screwed up and her judgments of me were not correct.
Therapy is very helpful in this process. At the same time of course I have made mistakes and hurt people so I have to face that and see what changes I need to make. Frankly at this point the best way I can differentiate between situations that are my fault and those that are not is to talk to my therapist. He is very good at helping me to understand other people’s points of view. That in no way means that other people are always right, but they are not always wrong either.
Ironically, sensitive people can come across as uncaring, even when we care a great deal. That is because of defensiveness. We are afraid that what we have done is an indictment against the core of our being.
In order to face the things I have done wrong and not be defensive I have to remind myself that I am a Child of God and that despite what I have been taught I am not evil, I only make mistakes. There is that part of me that is Divine and wholly good and that will never change. I simply need to align myself with that part of me.
How do you clean your Chi? I am having a lot of problems with family members and I am not comfortable being around them. I carry a lot of anger and while I am not sure whether the will invite me for the holidays, if they do invite me I am afraid my suppressed anger will affect our interactions. The husband is doing something that is morally wrong and that affects the entire family, including me. It is hard to forgive when someone is metaphorically standing on your foot and when you say “Ow!” he claims he has a right to stand on your foot and you are the problem, not him. Whether I am around him or not, he is still “standing on my foot.” It is something that is not within my power to change, unfortunately.
He is taking financial advantage of my father by not looking for a job. My father will make threats to cut them off, but he does not follow through. My father is not wealthy and needs to save his money for himself.This affects me as well because I am disabled and I would like to have some inheritance left for me if I need it. This has been going on for years.
Sorry for the rant. I am wondering whether anyone has any advice for me as far as how to clear out these negative emotions. I have already accepted that there is nothing I can do in this situation. Talking with my father has not helped and it is his decision since it is his money.
If you have the money, I would highly recommend studying the Alexander Technique. Nothing has helped me more in developing a positive vibe and a better control over my internal reactions to life’s situations! Essentially, it’s a technique to learn how to direct one’s Chi (at least that’s what one of my teachers claimed). The term used, however, is “Direction.”
It’s no quick fix, though. Like all true progress, the improvements are usually slow and gradual. I still feel I have a long way to go. But it’s well worth the money, time, and effort.
Thank you for the advice! I’ll check into it. Good article!
Hey Keenan.
I really like your first point about looking at behaviours versus yourself, that’s the way you grow. I would take it one step further and do as Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy! (an amazing book which I highly recommend you read if you haven’t already) suggests, which is to remove rejection from your vocabulary.
Rejection implies something is wrong with us. Forget that. Instead, you start saying people had “low interest”. So when you go up to an attractive person and they don’t really want to talk to you, they have low interest. Meh, move on. If they are smiley and really want to talk, they have high interest.
There are too many factors to ever figure out why someone might “reject” us – e.g. they had a bad day, they don’t want to talk, and so on… I think if you see a pattern and it ALWAYS happens that you get low interest, you need to look at what’s going on.
Great discussion, Keenan. I enjoyed your article. I have also experienced rejection – at times because I acted insecure or lacked confidence – among other reasons. As I recently discussed with my therapist, there are times people reject us simply because we do not mirror them (which applies to your point of not possessing the same values, beliefs, or personality types). There are times I reject others for the same reason. It’s not personal at all; it’s just that we are not at the same “place.” I usually truly like everyone I meet (which is why rejection used to be so painful), but it’s important to be honest with myself about who I am and what I need. For example, as a sober person, I feel most comfortable around other sober people. I still like people who choose not to be sober, but it does not serve me to be around them. Peace and blessings.
I agree with removing “rejection” from the assessment, and that “low interest” is a better approach for looking at this, and not just to ease hurt feelings. It’s an objective truth, really, because we all can be preoccupied and not really consciously want to reject someone. Also, no one should be given power to that point. I have found, for example, that a lot of women friends I’ve known cannot handle dealing with even minor conflicts without personalizing it to the point of becoming uncomfortable. I do not take their discomfort personally because it reflects their own history or preferences. I am comfortable dealing with conflict and can work past them, but it is not necessarily because I highly value one friend or another. It’s simply that I don’t expect people to be perfect, so if a conversation can help soothe a misunderstanding, I am willing to talk with those who can handle doing so.
Ironically, I have noticed that most of the women who can’t handle conflict with other women are often conciliatory and some have been doormats with men in their lives. Right now, I am exploring whether I want to establish a new standard that I refuse to maintain friendships with women who are intolerant of minor issues with other women yet tolerate so much in relationships with men. This may mean cutting down on lots of connections, but I want authentic relationships and do not want to feel a friendship with a woman has to be tense or threatened if I need to raise a concern with her about some misunderstanding.
Thank you so much for this post. I recently was rejected and reading this helped me to begin to come to peace with it and learn from it.
‘If someone rejects you, they usually reject your behaviour or choices’. Definitely your words are good, and I need this advice. Thank you Keenan!
Hi Keenan,
Does anyone need to worry about energy issues when issues are clear? I don’t know about this energy theory. I prefer to deal issues directly first. I believe if a person ill treats me, most probably I allow it. I’m to be blamed for that. I can understand if I’m in an inferior position where I’ve to take it. Even there, my responsibility for removing myself from that situation remains.
My questions will be ‘Why do I tolerate that person? Do I need that person? Why I cannot live without that…? What are my real feelings about myself & others? You get my point.
By the by, I’m saying all these with due respect to you & Pixie5, and I agree that I don’t know her difficulties. I respect her/anyone rejecting my questions. Everyone has a right to one’s own way. Just that I approached it in another way.
Might have to give Lori some credit on this one. She did an amazing edit on this article. In fact, I would consider it a co-written effort more than anything. And I believe these might actually have been her words.
What does energy issues being clear mean to you?
Good insights. There is a case that bothers me, though. You write about a ” son who wants to be a musician, but [his] father wants him to be a lawyer. If the son pursues his dream, his dad is going to reject him.” Being a parent is a responsibility. It is irresponsible and very damaging (in the short and long-run) to reject a child who has a different personality and interests from his own and give affection and attention to the more similar or approved of child, though this, unfortunately, happens. A parent needs to adapt and learn about each child, attend concerts with him, for example, even if not interested in music.
Hey FLeFlore wanted to touch on something you mentioned in the first paragraph. So often we confuse people’s reactions to be directed at us, whereas a lot of the times it goes much deeper – It’s actually micro-traumas from their past getting triggered, which in turn can trigger our own!
For example – If a couple has an argument where the woman complains that the man never listens, it may be that the man dismissed something very small or didn’t engage heavily in conversation because he thought it wasn’t necessary. The woman’s ex-boyfriend did this and she ALWAYS hated it, so she starts getting INCREDIBLY upset for no reason. In turn, the man might have had a complicated relationship with his Mother where she was prone to aggravated reactions for little things, and his behaviour as a child was to retreat into his room without saying a word, physically and emotionally locking her out. So, he does this again because it’s all he knows.
Then they just keep getting angry and frustrated with each other ad infinitum.
The solution of course is communicating the difficult feelings (e.g. “I feel hurt when you lash out at me, and I will not talk to you when you do that”), and hopefully working through our pasts to know when something is getting touched that wasn’t healed from our past, and that that’s not the fault of the present person.
Easier said than done!
I know what you mean about authentic relationships though. I honestly prefer being with a few select people I can talk about everything with and who don’t fuck around. We have limited time, why spend it with flakes or people who have behaviours we don’t really like? It doesn’t mean we HATE them, we just choose to find people whose values (such as authenticity) align more with our own.
It means nothing to me, as I’ve not read about the ‘energy theory’ yet. All I wanted is a direct action on problems wherever possible. People tend to escape by theorizing their problems rather than facing them. Yes, sometimes I’m also guilty of it.
I prefer to use the term charisma or personal magnetism as opposed to “energy” because it’s less abstract.
If you’re interested in this topic, I’ll be posting an article on it on my blog today or tomorrow.
I dont want to sound racist but as an Indian , I always had trouble making friends or staying friends with Indians. I am usually appalled by their conservative way of thinking and judgemental attitude towards others. Where I am living right now, I was boycotted and troubled by the people for being in a relationship with a non-Indian. I did not understand what wrong I did to others. Though I am no more in the relation, people’s attitude towards me has not changed, instead they tell new people to stay away from me as I am a bad person. Do you know how to handle this kind of rejection.
I have seen this far too much myself, we are more than our behavior. Of course we also have to work at understanding this as well, and not make snap judgements about the people around us. Everyone deserves a chance is what I’ve been trying to live by. It does create a more relaxed atmosphere when others feel they don’t have to try so hard to impress.
Do I ever know what you are talking about. I had that happen to me with the people in the town where I live. I am not Indian. All I did was refuse to sign a petition to get a family the town didn’t like to move out. Yes this happened in the United States. I had to rise above that and the people who caused me trouble, I took legal action. After a while they found someone else to judge. Sorry this is happening to you. Reflects less on you and more on those who are doing the rejecting.
I am going through a situation like this I like one of my friends but I know he likes someone else he didn’t come out and reject me but his actions spoke louder than anything I can see that my behavior is a factor because I have become clingy and needy and smothering towards among other things and thats not a good look I wish I didn’t hurt right now
This is very elegantly written and right to the point and timely too, as far as I’m concerned. Made me feel better.
Thanks man!
Be aware most people on this planet dwell in unevolved Chi and will in fact reject the person with higher Chi.
It’s a big thing in this century. Look into it. This is the Kali Age.
Just sayin’.
“Ironically, I have noticed that most of the women I know who can’t handle conflict with other women are often conciliatory and some even doormats with men in their lives.”
Hm, you mean like this:
– Lets other men shame and insult him
– But will play mind games with, dump, or beat a woman if she exhibits anything less than 100 percent, complete submission?
Do you mean sort of like that? 🙂
Before discounting it, entertain my Army Locker Hypothesis and reflect honestly on whether you’re one of those men a member of it.
– If his Army sergeant says clean up his bunk area, he does it immediately without question
– If his football coach tells him clean up his locker area, he does it immediately without question
– If a woman asks him to clean his space he shares with her, however,
PROBLEM.
Men, explain this. The organic, bs-free explanation this time please.
We’re onto you 🙂
I’m gay. The article’s fine. I switch pronouns in my mind. What’s your limitation that you somehow can’t do this?
Shaddup.
Don’t apologize. Tell people like this, who like to gaytroll websites, “As soon as you include heterosexual women on Grindr, sure, I promise to get right to it” and notice how they shut up.