“Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown
“This is it,” I thought. I finally found the man I had been waiting for.
Of course, it had taken me thirty-nine years and a painful divorce from my husband of ten years. But that was all worth it, I told myself, because it had led me to the man who seemed to see, understand, and love me the way I had always hoped someone would.
Things were blissful in beginning. We made breakfasts together, took romantic vacations to exotic locations, we fantasized about buying vacation houses. Our developing story read like a fairy tale.
But this fairy tale did not have a happy ending. The once-sweet Prince Charming eventually became cold, distant, and abusive—a man in constant pursuit of new “shiny objects” to distract him from the remnants of his troubled past.
I was that shiny object…until I wasn’t shiny anymore.
The clock struck midnight, and I was left with a broken heart.
There was a firestorm of mixed emotions after the breakup: betrayal, rage, sadness, and disappointment. I wanted someone to wake me up and tell me it was all just a bad dream. I wanted Prince Charming to return so I could feel those loving feelings again!
I spent countless hours mentally rehashing the details of the story, torturing myself, trying to see precisely why things went wrong.
This fruitless nonsense only made me angrier and sadder. Then, one day, amidst the noise of the fruitless nonsense, I heard a gentler voice inside me whisper, “Be patient. The most painful relationships can be the best teachers.”
After I heard that voice, I began to let myself consider that, just maybe, this heinous experience was serving a benevolent purpose I had yet to discover. And that’s when the learning began.
I recognized that I had been so willing to make someone else the focal point of my life because, deep down, outside of a romantic relationship, I had no idea who I was, let alone how to love myself.
I had spent so much time after the breakup focusing on my ex-boyfriend’s shortcomings because I was not ready to see that, in some ways, I was just like him.
I spent the majority of my adult life bouncing from one relationship to another because I told myself that “happiness” was just around the corner; all I needed was the right partner.
The pursuit of Mr. Right kept me at a safe distance from pain I spent a lifetime avoiding: the acrimonious divorce of my parents at age thirteen and subsequent abandonment by a mother, who left an emotionally unavailable father to raise my sister and me.
It turns out that betrayal, rage, sadness, and disappointment were actually remnants of my own past; feelings I thought romantic love would magically erase.
The harder we work to escape unwanted parts of ourselves, the greater the likelihood we will choose relationships that help us find these unwanted parts.
I thought a relationship with Prince Charming meant I would never have to feel the pain of grief, but what I really needed was to learn how to welcome grief. The feelings associated with grief are our body’s way of inviting us to honor and grow from loss.
When I decided to stop running away from my feelings, it didn’t take long to discover that avoiding psychic pain is like running in front of an avalanche: When we stop running, all of the once-forbidden feelings cascade over us with such a great force, it can feel as if we will be crushed by their weight.
At first, it felt like I was dying. I cried with such intensity and regularity that I began to refer to these daily crying spells as “taking out the trash.” The only problem was, there was so much trash that I feared this chore would never be finished.
I attended weekly therapy sessions, furiously wrote in my journal, and confided in trustworthy friends.
Through this, I slowly (and I mean slowly) started to see that the life I once thought of as empty was actually quite full. I had my health, two healthy children, a successful therapy practice, the ability to play and sing music, and a village of supportive friends.
I was so busy searching for happiness outside of myself that I couldn’t see that the makings of happiness were already there, waiting for my own recognition.
Looking back, what initially felt like a death was actually a rebirth. All of my feelings, even the ones I feared were too destructive, deserve to be acknowledged and felt.
When we welcome our feelings into awareness, we are taking the first brave step toward accepting all of who we are. This acceptance is the beginning of unconditional self-love.
Working through grief eventually yielded a life of creativity and abundance that my once fearful heart never knew was possible!
Bonds with old friends became stronger, I started writing more, and I began to discover activities and interests, both new and old, that brought me joy. Eighteen months after the breakup, I noticed I wasn’t just surviving each day any more; I was actually living a pretty decent life—by myself.
None of this would have been possible had it not been for the blistering heartache of betrayal and loss.
So, if you are in the shadowy aftermath of loss and it feels as if you are dying, perhaps you are really in the process of being reborn. It is your own inner wisdom that has led you to where you are, so trust it.
Though you may feel awful now, remember this is how you feel, it is not who you are. Feelings are temporary energy states that, when given permission to exist, like the weather, move in and out of our conscious field.
There is no point in fighting your feelings because they will only scream louder until you hear them. Why make them work that hard?
As you progress through your own journey, gently remind yourself that everything you seek, you already have. You may feel broken right now, and that’s okay. It is important to remember that all of the pieces are there, waiting to be put back together in the form of a stronger, wiser you.
You might stumble along the path, and that is also okay. Life isn’t like the Olympics—we don’t have to perfect the routine or stick the landing—we just have to keep showing up, trying our best every day to travel our own path at our own pace.
So, I invite you to ask yourself, “How could this pain be an invitation to grow?” If you are patient and listen closely, the answer will find you. It might be slow and subtle at first, but it will come.
About Jill Gross
Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, grief and divorce specialist, and mother of two. She lives and practices in Seattle, Washington. To find out more about Dr. Jill, please visit www.drjillgross.com.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
“The feelings associated with grief are our body’s way of inviting us to honor and grow from loss.”
“You may feel broken right now and that’s okay. It is important to remember that all of the pieces are there, waiting to be put back together in the form of a stronger, wiser you”
These 2 phrases are what i needed to so badly to hear.
i feel broken – i start coming back together and then something breaks off again. its slow and a painful struggle but i too am realising the feeling and letting the hurt come is much better than all the band aid remedies i have tried in the past…
thank you <3
Hi Flower,
It can be a slow and arduous process. Those band-aids can be tempting, indeed. Glad you are bearing witness to the pain so you can feel it and heal it!
Keep trusting the process and it will take you where you need to go.
Blessings,
Jill
Thank you so much for writing this. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, was mislead and left with a permanent physical “reminder”. When the relationship came to its conclusion, I had soon later met somebody that I felt a strong connection with. I was not seriously looking but she happened to appear. We only spoke as friends for a good while and things were fine. Then the day came when we grew closer and acknowledged our love for one another. Everything was fine until I found myself alone. That’s when the pain of my past filled me with feelings of emptiness and grief. It was horrible and all I wanted to do was sleep and escape consciousness. I did not understand what was happening or why. I have a wonderful woman who loves me, why would I feel empty? I spoke with her about this and she didn’t understand either. Reading this, I’ve realized that I never took time to mourn my loss and feel the pain of the loss of my prior relationship. I realize that while I’m in a healthy relationship with a loving and caring person, I still need to take my own time and go through the grief process. Not the ideal way to do things, but it is what it is. Thank you, now I understand better.
Wow! what a thoughtful insight! Something I needed to hear today, and I guess everyday, till I follow the path. I’m in a very confused state of mind and the more I think about it, analyze it, the more confused I get.
“I was so busy searching for happiness outside of myself that I couldn’t see that the makings of happiness were already there, waiting for my own recognition.”
This struck to me! This is what I’ve been doing. Searching for happiness outside, instead of looking for it inside. any tips on how to get there will be much appreciated.
thanks again for such a great article.
Hi J,
Glad the article was able to offer you something useful. It’s tempting to think that someone, something, or someplace else will bring us comfort. And it might, but only for a while. The part of us that seeks is the part of us that will never really be satisfied. When I first heard this I was PISSED OFF! I felt like I had been campaigning for a cause that never existed. But I also felt relieved. Validated. Hearing this explained why nothing I had ever tried really worked. I was expecting external things to be permanent fixes; they’re not. They can’t be.
The best advice I can give is to try and “make friends” with the part of you that is seeking. This part is the innocent child inside of you that is asking you to do your best to take care of her/him. Talk to this part as you would a child in pain, with love and compassion; without judgement or shame. It is beautiful and deserves your compassion, even if it shows up in ways that feel frustrating to you. 😉
I once read that “How” stands for “Honesty, Openness, and the Willingness to try.” These things may not feel like enough at first but, eventually, they will be. You are enough. Keep showing up for yourself. I wish you peace on your journey.
Jill
Hi Chris,
You are welcome. I am glad this was helpful for you. It’s tempting to run when being still seems only to invite more pain. There is no such thing as ideal (remember, this isn’t The Olympics). There is only your path at your pace. We do the best we can with what we have and that is all we can do. What you are doing takes courage and you are doing it. That is plenty good enough.
I still feel the darkness sometimes, but I remind myself that it is only my responsibility to take care of myself. Relationships go way more smoothly if I know what’s in my luggage, so-to-speak. Knowing the difference is a life-long task. 😉
You’re asking yourself the hard questions that accompany growth. Keep it up!
Warmly,
Jill
Thank you Jill for your kind words.
You just told the story of my life, and last two years. Very well said thank you : )
You’re welcome.
this is SO true – it’s like reading my own story. i NEVER thought i would get over the loss of my soul mate, and i still miss her every single day. but the lessons i learned THROUGH that loss – changed me and helped me grow in ways i NEVER would have – had she not been ripped out of my life. if you let it – the greatest loss can yield the greatest gain – self love <3
I feel as though this is my story too. Thank you for such a well written and thoughtful piece. It’s given me a lot to think about. I’m currently on the road to finding out who I am and how to love myself. I too was went through a painful divorce only to find a man that seemed to be everything I could have asked for in a partner, I had never been so “loved” or desired in this way before, until one day, I too was not so shiny, leaving me feeling as though this pattern of abandonment that I’ve experienced throughout my childhood, into my marriage and now in the dating world would never end. My question is, what if your pain is so overwhelming that it blinds you from embracing the happiness in your life? What if it leaves you so scared that you find that you’re isolating yourself from all things that could possibly bring you joy, or once brought you joy like your friends or favorite activities, and what point do you let go? That’s the hardest part for me. As much as I try to embrace the pain hoping to find clarity, it has almost become an unwanted friend that I can’t say goodbye to.
This reminded me of the lyrics to the Alanis morissette song not as we. “Reborn and shivering, spat out on new terrain” she talks about a very similar experience of a slow painful process of beginning again after a break up “but this time I as I and not as we”
I just lived something close to this, so much so that I feel like I could have written it myself, BUT I spent three years prior to this relationship, single, learning to love myself, so once I saw that this was happening, I left. It hurts because I still love him, but know deep in my heart it was the right thing to do. I can still love him, but won’t allow myself to be broken by the relationship. I am still intact, thankfully, and it’s because of all the work I did up front, to recognize that I am worthy of being valued, treasured, and a priority. Let go or be dragged. I let go. Whew.
This is also my story. I’ve realized in the last few months that my husband who was also my absolutely perfect Prince Charming for the first year or two is also emotionally and verbally abusive, and cares more about his career than he does about having a life with me. It’s been incredibly painful, and while we’re still “working on things,” I know in my heart that it’s over. Reading this helps me to know that I will hopefully come out on the other side of it stronger, even though my pain is almost too much to bear some days.
Jill, I have chills all over my body. Its like you heard what i needed to know this morning. Thank you. Its like weight fell of my shoulders…
Have never left any comment before…but this is one of the best articles and it made my day…I feel like you were walking in my shoes…I do feel so broken right now with the blistering heartache of betrayal and loss, but this gives me hope………Thank you so much
I was recently considering to send a thank you email to my narcissistic ex. After him, I had to question what was this much wrong with me and face all those feelings of insecurity and fear. I had a narcissistic mother in my childhood, with whom I tried to survive but never learn to live. After collage, I just fell in love with the man who is also emotionally unavailable, just like my mother.
Being broken to the point i cant take it anymore, breaking up and standing for myself were the bravest things I have ever done. I am a lot more proud of these achievements than my academic success which my family respects more. Being able to change the paradigm of your life is like bending time and space. You are born as a new person and you slowly grow out of a child. Your life is not a reflection of others anymore. And once you figure out what is really meaningful to you, you feel like invincible.
I would like to specifically thank you Jill for writing this as a therapist and showing how this process is all about humanity and it could happen to anyone. Best,
Hi Yana,
You’re welcome. So glad this post hit a spot for you and lightened your load a bit.
Jill
Hi edubs,
It’s true, sometimes shiny packages blind us to the darkness inside the box. This is the case with abusive partners–they make great “introductory offer” so-to-speak. The fine print isn’t often visible until the shine wears off. I used to joke that the world would be a better place if they wore t-shirts! 🙂
Admitting to yourself that the relationship is not what you want is an important first step. One step at a time, you will find your way!
Love and Light,
Jill
Hear hear, Vanessa! It’s true, sometimes we can feel love without acting on it, particularly when doing so would be to our detriment. Thanks for sharing this comment.
Jill
Nobody does suffering quite like Alanis. I love her for that. Thanks for sharing.
So true, sbort. Thank your for saying this. Honest, openness, and the willingness to try, that’s all it takes! Well. That and a lot of patience and time. 🙂
Beautiful post, thank you for sharing your courage and vulnerability! There are so many wonderful points, my fave is “When we welcome our feelings into awareness, we are taking the
first brave step toward accepting all of who we are. This acceptance is
the beginning of unconditional self-love.” Wonderful message and reminder! 🙂
Wow. I’m touched to hear this. Thank you.
Even in leaving this comment, you’ve done something new and different. You’re already on your way. Love and light to you as the pieces come back together. And they will.
🙂
Jill
I’m glad you enjoyed the post, dreamer. Training or no training, we are all in the crazy soup of life together.
So glad you found it useful. 🙂
I hope you’re right, I really do. It’s been 10 months and I am far from ok. I didn’t ask for ANY of these losses.
You’re welcome, Emily.
You are posing some good questions. Everybody’s journey is specific to him/her. It has been my experience that we cannot control what we feel, we can control what we do with how we feel.
There were many times, in the first year or so after the breakup, that I literally felt as if I was going through the motions of living. I used to break down my days into “chunks.” I told myself, “I just have to make it to lunch, dinner, bedtime, morning, etc.” It was super hard for a long time! My friends, good books about love and loss, and Tiny Buddha were lifelines for me.
I forced myself to go and do things I knew were good for me, even when I did not really feel like doing them. I set two goals for myself: Meet more people who play music and meet more people who like to ski. Those were two passions of mine I had lost touch with. I joined meetup.com (look for one in your area–I cannot recommend it enough) and found a whole community of music and ski geeks who share these passions.
Basically, I followed the whole “Fake it ’til you make it” philosophy. Once I lowered my expectation that I “should” be having fun, I actually started to enjoy myself.
If you are finding that it is hard to care for yourself during this difficult time, I strongly encourage you to seek help from a professional therapist in your area. Psychology Today offers listings for qualified professionals in most major cities.
Hang in there. It does get better.
Good luck,
Jill
Sorry to hear you are struggling. I know it may not feel true now and that is okay, but I believe all pain is productive. What would be the point of hurting this badly otherwise? 😉
Sometimes it’s the losses we don’t ask for that have the most to teach us. All it requires is patience and openness on our parts. Be patient and keep looking–you will find it.
Jill
Thak you for this article ..today I know this is my process and I have to try to do the best for me….this is very helpful for me.
Glad it was helpful. Keep trusting your process!
Jill
Hi Jill and ladies on this entire thread,
How sad I feel to be in all of your company today. I read Jill’s excellent article above and I am just treading my own muddy water in this right now. Six months on, we’ve separated as a couple as a family. He ran off with a young girl he met at the office. Things will never be the same. Despite reasoning and asking for him to return to work on our issues, which is why this line resonates: “HOW” stands for “Honesty, Openness, and the Willingness to try.” , my spouse flatly refuses to even try. Instead he has taken on a whole new life for himself, somehow he has metamorphosed into a different person, I would say over the course of a few months, his values system, his outlook, his circle of trusted friends, have completely turned 180 degrees. He has raised barriers so that the children and I can no longer see inside his new world. It was shocking for me to see this, a person I got to know over the course of 24 years of my life. Even more shocking for my teen-aged kids with whom he tries to reach for on his spare moments between diving and hiking or kayaking.
I wish you all a successful journey to healing. I wish for myself greater and greater strength to deal with all the aftermath of my husband’s escapades.
Cheers,
PYC
I have recently joined this blog because I am also going through a rough phase of my life. Just wanted to thank you for sharing experiences and the way to come out these problems.
What a great article! I saw myself in so much of it. As I recently went through a similar type breakup, I’ve been trying to learn to love myself again (or maybe for the first time!). I’ve been reading a lot of articles on dating myself and learning to live in the present. There are some days that are still a struggle (like this morning when I woke up almost in tears but then read this article and things are feeling a little bit better) but I’m learning to take things one day at a time and really appreciate anything I can learn from this time in my life.
You’re welcome. Glad you found this post helpful.
Best,
Jill
Hi Bren,
Sounds like you’re open to learning what you can about what is happening in your life right now. That is a great sign!
One moment, one day at at time, things will shift. Mornings are the hardest. There is that transitional moment between sleep to wakefulness, the one where we are not yet aware of what is happening and feel nothing. Then, BAM, the pain comes rushing back as a reminder of where we are and what we are going through. If you’re willing to feel it, it will slowly subside.
Wishing you patience and peace on your journey,
Jill
I can identify fully. My family respected academic achievement more than me add a person. I lived to learn that without those I am nothing, not loveable or even worth to look at…. note at 40 I am learning to love myself.
Stay strong Chris. You are not alone.
Proud of you. I am still learning…. May be one day…
Thank you Jill for this timely article!
I would have to say that even the good relationship break-ups brings so much learning to our awareness. I’ve had both, in fact, I’m feeling the pain from a good relationship break-up now and realizing how much I am learning about myself from it. The pain is unbearable, but I’m trying not to run from it, something I’ve always done in the past. I can only hope that the pain subsides at some point, and the healing begins.
Thank you again! Wonderful article!
I did what my parents respect, I did it at my best and ended up as an unhappy, romantic female engineer. I cant find any meaning in work to keep going. It is sad because work and family are the biggest components of human life and in mine both of them were just source of pain. Thanks god, I am living abroad so I cut my ties with my family and after my studies I want to work in projects that aims to do good for the world. Now that is engineering. I hate the idea of working for billionaires so that they can accumulate even higher percentage of worlds wealth. I so dont belong here.
You are kidding me….? Guess what??? I am am unhappy, romantic female engineer too. Geez, we are like twins… weekday is your name? I am same as you. Work and family ate two sources of pain for me too. I lime to paint and draw in spare time. It bring me some peace and I can release my romantic side.
That is a great point to make. Loss is loss and, by its very definition, is usually quite painful. Keep feeling the pain. It’s not easy but it is a sign that healing has already begun.
Best,
Jill
I am more of a thinker, I just like writing. I wish I had such a talent in type of art but nope. I am planning to spend my spare time for charity, if not full time 🙂 Being around competitive, absent minded people makes me wanna shout sometimes: Stop pretending, none of you really care about this shit. It is all about money. I just yearn for meaning..
I am right there with you, dreamer…. be positive. Peace, happiness, romance well come. Stay in touch.
You are great, thank you 🙂 Good luck to you and yes, keep in touch!
Thank you for writing such a wonderful article.
I’ve been divorced for a year, but continue to have ongoing pain. I’m talking EXCRUCIATING pain. I have a great job, wonderful home, and fulfilling hobbies. In spite of all I have to be grateful for, my pain is palpable. I’m guessing it’s related to not fully healing from previous relationships and it has also been suggested the pain is from childhood wounds as well. I thought I had a wonderful childhood, but maybe there were unmet needs I never acknowledged.
I’ve attended divorce recovery classes, which have been helpful, but the pain won’t subside. I run a few miles every other day to alleviate the pain, but it always returns.
WHEN WILL THIS PAIN END? WILL THIS PAIN END?
Hi Broken,
Sorry to hear you have been struggling for so long. I’m wondering if the pain is so great bc it something important is happening.
Sounds like you have already taken positive steps (exercise and divorce classes), which is wonderful. If what you are doing doesn’t seem to be helping enough, I recommend seeking help from a qualified mental health professional in your area. Sometimes the load becomes too heavy to carry alone and we need someone to walk beside us for a little while. Psychology Today has listings of licensed professionals in cities nationwide.
Good luck and hang in there. I don’t know when the pain will end but, if you keep showing up and doing everything you can to help yourself, it will eventually. I wish you peace.
Big hugs,
Jill
Ugh, PYC. I felt so sad and disappointed for you and your kids when I read this post. Sometimes people are so lost to themselves, they are beyond the reach of others.
For what it’s worth, people do not shed old selves and old lives as a snake sheds its skin. When they try, their proverbial suitcases just get heavier and more confusing to the point where it is impossible to tell what belongs to whom and where.
As tempting as it is to focus on his bad behavior (and, oh boy, it’s BAD), I encourage you, when you are ready, to redirect your energy toward figuring out what you want the shape of your new life to look like. That is an investment that will pay you real dividends.
My heart goes out to you,
Jill
“Though you may feel awful now, remember this is how you feel, it is not who you are.
Feelings are temporary energy states that, when given permission to
exist, like the weather, move in and out of our conscious field. There is no point in fighting your feelings because they will only scream louder until you hear them…. As you progress through your own journey, gently remind yourself that everything you seek, you already have. You may feel broken right now
and that’s okay. It is important to remember that all of the pieces are
there, waiting to be put back together in the form of a stronger, wiser
you.” Thank you for those words of wisdom & sharing your story.