āWhat other people think of me is none of my business.ā ~Wayne Dyer
Do you ever worry about what people think about you?
Have you ever felt rejected and gotten defensive if someone criticized something you did?
Are there times where you hold back on doing something you know would benefit yourself and even others because youāre scared about how some people may react?
If so, consider yourself normal. The desire for connection and to fit in is one of the six basic human needs, according to the research of Tony Robbins and Cloe Madanes. Psychologically, to be rejected by āthe tribeā represents a threat to your survival.
This begs the question: If wanting peopleās approval is natural and healthy, is it always a good thing?
Imagine for a moment what life would be like if you didnāt care about other peopleās opinions. Would you be self-centered and egotistical, or would you be set free to live a life fulfilling your true purpose without being held back by a fear of rejection?
For my entire life Iāve wrestled with caring about other peopleās opinions.
I thought this made me selfless and considerate. While caring about the opinion of others helped me put myself into other peopleās shoes, I discovered that my desire, or more specifically my attachment to wanting approval, had the potential to be one of my most selfish and destructive qualities.
Why Approval Addiction Makes Everyone Miserable
If wanting the approval of others is a natural desire, how can it be a problem? The problem is that, like any drug, the high you get from getting approval eventually wears off. If having the approval of others is the only way you know how to feel happy, then youāre going to be miserable until you get your next āfix.ā
What this means is that simply wanting approval isnāt the problem. The real issue is being too attached to getting approval from others as the only way to feel fulfilled. To put it simply, addiction to approval puts your happiness under the control of others.
Because their happiness depends on others, approval addicts can be the most easily manipulated. I often see this with unhealthy or even abusive relationships. All an abuser has to do is threaten to make the approval addict feel rejected or like theyāre being selfish, and theyāll stay under the abuserās spell.
Approval addiction leads to a lack of boundaries and ultimately resentment. Many times I felt resentment toward others because they crossed my boundaries, and yet I would remain silent. I didnāt want to come across as rude for speaking up about how someone upset me.
The problem is this would lead to pent up resentment over time, because thereās a constant feeling that people should just āknow better.ā When I took an honest look at the situation, though, I had to consider whose fault it was if resentment built up because my boundaries were crossed.
Is it the fault of the person who unknowingly crossed those boundaries, or the person who failed to enforce boundaries out of fear of rejection?
Looking at my own life, I actually appreciate when someone I care about lets me know Iāve gone too far. It gives me a chance to make things right. If I donāt let others know how theyāve hurt me because of fear of rejection, arenāt I actually robbing them of the opportunity to seek my forgiveness and do better?
This leads me to my final point, approval addiction leads to being selfish. The deception is that the selfishness is often disguised and justified asĀ selflessness.
As a writer, Iām exposed to critics. If I donāt overcome a desire for wanting approval from everyone, then their opinions can stop me from sharing something incredibly helpful with those whoād benefit from my work.
Approval addiction is a surefire way to rob the world of your gifts. How selfish is it to withhold what I have to offer to others all because Iām thinking too much about what some people may think of me?
As strange as it sounds, doing things for others can be selfish. On an airplane, they say to put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting it on a child. This is because if the adult passes out trying to help the child, both are in trouble.
In much the same way, approval addiction can lead a person to martyr themselves to the point that everyone involved suffers.
For instance, if a person spends so much time helping others that they neglect their own health, then in the long run, it may be everyone else who has to take care of them when they get sick, causing an unnecessary burden.
Selfless acts, done at the expense of oneās greater priorities, can be just as egotistical and destructive as selfish acts.
How to Overcome Approval Addiction
The first way to overcome approval addiction is to be gentle with yourself. Wanting to feel connected with others is normal. Itās only an issue when itās imbalanced with other priorities like having boundaries.
What approval addicts are often missing is self-approval. We all have an inner critic that says things like, āYouāre not good enough. Youāre nothing compared to these people around you. If you give yourself approval, youāre being selfish.ā
You canāt get rid of this voice. What you can do is choose whether or not to buy into it or something greater.
You also have a part of yourself that says, āYouāre worthy. Youāre good enough. Youāre just as valuable as anyone else.ā The question becomes: āWhich voice do I choose to align to?ā
This often means asking yourself questions like, āCan I give myself some approval right now? What is something I appreciate about myself?ā The next step is to then be willing to actually allow yourself to receive that approval.
To break approval addiction, remember to treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.
In much the same way, you can overcome approval addiction by equally valuing other important things, such as your need for significance and control. While wanting to control things can be taken too far just like wanting approval, it is the Yang to approval-seekingās Yin. Both are necessary for balance.
Questions that typically help me are: āDo I want other peopleās opinions to have power over me? Would I rather let this person control me or maintain control over my own life?ā
Finally, there is the ultimate key to overcoming approval addiction. Itās by using the greatest motivatorā unconditional love.
Worrying about what other people think masquerades as love. In reality, when you really love someone, youāre willing to have their disapproval.
Imagine a parent with a child. If the parent is too concerned about the childās opinion of them, they might not discipline their child for fear of the child disliking them.Ā Have you ever seen a parent who lets their child get away with anything because they donāt want to be the ābad guy?ā Is this truly loving?
To break approval addiction, I realized I had to ask one of the most challenging questions anyone could ask themselves: Am I willing to love this person enough to have them hate me?
If you really care for someone, telling them, āYouāre screwing up your lifeā and having them feel the pain of that statement might be the most loving thing you can do.
This comes with the very real possibility they will reject you for pointing out the truth. However, if you love someone, wouldnāt you rather have them go through a little short-term pain in order to save them a lot of pain down the road?
On the upside, many people will eventually come to appreciate you more in the long term if youāre willing to be honest with them and prioritize your love for them over your desire for their approval.
If you have to share a harsh truth, a mentor, Andy Benjamin, taught me that you can make this easier by first asking, āCan I be a true friend?ā to let them know what youāre about to say is coming from a place of love.
—
Iāve found that everything, including the desire for approval, can serve or enslave you depending on how you respond to it.
Do you use your desire for approval as a force to help you see things from other peopleās perspective, or do you use it as a crutch on which you base your happiness?
Do you use your desire for approval as a reminder to give yourself approval, or do you use it as an excuse to be miserable when others donāt give you approval?
Finally, are you willing show the ultimate demonstration of genuine loveāsacrificing your desire for approval in order to serve another?
Leave a Reply