“Live your life for you not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself.” ~Sonya Parker
Hearing this word probably makes you think of not being good enough or not reaching certain standards. As unpleasant as it is, rejection is part of life, and my life is no exception.
From being the last to be chosen to join the volleyball team to receiving a college admissions response in the dreaded “thin envelope,” I quickly learned that not everybody thought the highest of me.
As years went by and I took on more risks, I invited more rejection into my life. The boy I crushed on for months only wanted to be friends. Another candidate was selected for my dream job. Many literary agents thought my manuscript wasn’t a good fit for them.
And eventually, I endured the ultimate form of rejection: The man who promised to be by my side till “death do us part” changed his mind.
One of the most famous statements by renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow is that self-actualizers are “independent of the good opinion of other people.”
Even though so many of us have heard Maslow’s or a similar statement, rejection continues to bring up our most negative emotions. We feel ashamed and inadequate, and wonder whether something is seriously wrong with us.
A recent social research study shows that the same regions of the brain that become active during painful sensory experiences are also activated when we experience social rejection.
Rejection literally hurts.
What to do? How do we lessen the pain? How do we join the ranks of Maslow’s self-actualizers?
Here is what I’ve learned.
Rejection is negative judgment manifested, and judgment is subjective by nature.
This means you can decide to interpret rejection as evidence of someone’s perception rather than as evidence of your flawed nature.
The area rug that is beautiful to your best friend might be hideous to you, and that’s okay. Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, but an opinion doesn’t determine whether a rug is truly pretty or ugly. The rug just is.
The same principle applies to opinions about everything else, including people’s opinions about you.
People who reject you are the minority.
Estimate how many people you’ve met in your entire life. Count the number of people who have severely rejected you. Divide the second number by the first, and you’ll see how the result rarely exceeds 1%.
Is 1% significant? If you only drink 1% milk, you feel your diet is healthful because after all, 1% milk fat is almost nothing, correct?
I’ve met thousands of people throughout my life, and even though I have received a fair deal of moderate rejection, only a couple of people have rejected me in such a way that seriously challenged my self-identity.
Bottom line, extreme rejection is usually the exception.
The intensity of your negative emotions will depend on the degree of attention you place on the rejection.
You can be aware of the unpleasant experience, but if you don’t focus on it, you’ll take away its power.
Place your attention on the positive feedback and support you receive from others. Being consciously aware of the people who have encouraged you will allow you to align with high-energy emotions and positive situations.
Rejection can be an instrument for learning and growth.
Although rejection is subjective, you could decide to use the experience as an opportunity to contemplate your current behaviors, and determine ways to grow and become a better person.
Rejection from potential employers became my motivation to review my resume and enroll in professional development courses.
The feedback I received from literary agents propelled me to bring my writing craft to the next level.
My husband’s decision to leave our marriage moved me to help others going through a similar situation.
Rejection is a sign you’re experiencing life to the fullest.
Chances are, if you had chosen to hide under the covers and had not pursued the friendship, career, contest, or relationship, you wouldn’t have experienced rejection.
But you wouldn’t have completely experienced life either.
Learn to see rejection as proof that you’re brave enough to take on risks and to participate in the wide realm of experiences available on this planet. Feel empowered by what you have accomplished.
The only approval that truly matters is your self-approval.
Your self-love and respect for your uniqueness will trump the negative emotions brought up by rejection.
Once you’re conscious of your magnificence, rejection will lose its power.
You might not feel happy about being rejected, but you will bounce back quickly.
Most importantly, you’ll continue embracing life, pursuing your truth, and focusing on the many gifts in your past, present, and future.
About Cloris Kylie Stock
Cloris Kylie, marketing MBA, shows entrepreneurs how to create a strong marketing foundation and connect with influencers to grow a magnificent business. The bestselling author of Beyond Influencer Marketing and the host of "Beyond Influencer Marketing Podcast," she has been featured on network television, top-ranked podcasts, and YouTube shows and websites with millions of followers. Get her guide to connect with influencers at cloriskylie.com/influencer.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Great post, Cloris. Very informative with empowering advice. I have witnessed rejection trigger psychosis, addiction, and suicide in individuals. Yet, as you stated, the experience can be an opportunity to reflect, grow, and become a better person. Thank you.
Thank you. Very timely. My beloved boyfriend of one year broke us up a month ago and I have been a mess. I’m 52..he’s 54..he promised we’d be together the rest of our lives. Surprise surprise, he’s an avoidant. Your comment that rejection literally hurts was fascinating…because it sure does. Worst pain I have yet felt in my life.
But I’ve come a long way already from the support of friends and blogs like this. Thanks.
Very true. We love addicts know that “rejection is the beginning of obsession”. How we handle rejection is key to so much of what life hands out. I have felt suicidal since my breakup last month. But I”m getting past it.
Have know a previous co-worker for 17 years now; we have been friends, intimate and yet very distant ~ in over 17 years never spent the weekend together; took a trip, etc. . . I felt he was the love of my life; now I’m asking myself REALLY?
Very insightful. Thank you for sharing. One thing that did make me shake my head- you wrote that you suffered the ultimate kind of rejection. That is subjective. Just because you experienced something, it doesn’t make your experience the ultimate of anything. There is always someone else, who has been dealt a more difficult hand and can offer you their insight.
Beautiful. Pulled at my heart very much. I love the quote.
“People who reject you are the minority.”
Such a great way to re-frame events. That’s what I’m learning most from meditation and mindfulness. Pain and crisis will come, but will we choose growth or despair? We have to continually go back to the contentment that already lies within us and enjoy the blessings that we do have.
That was also my favorite quote from this. Such a simple yet powerful reminder.
Beautifully said! Thank you so much for reading. Please stay in touch by joining my online community or connecting through social media!
Thank you, Mallie. All the best to you, and stay in touch as well 🙂
Melissa, you bring up a very interesting point. I can picture really difficult situations that might seem the ultimate form of rejection to those who went through them. This is why it’s so awesome to have this forum; so we can share our own experiences and help each other open our minds. Stay in touch through my website or social media!
Marilyn, thank you for sharing your experience. After going through a fair deal of challenges, I always start by saying that I am my first love, and go from there. I would ask myself what I need to experience more closeness and express this need. All the best to you, and I invite you to connect with me through my site or social media.
I’m so glad to hear the article was timely and helpful. Continue seeking new sources of support. Sending you love.
Thank you so much for your comment, Bill! It means a lot to know that someone who has witnessed the damaging effects of rejection found the article helpful. Please connect with me through my website or social media.
Well-said, Edmund! Thank you for sharing what you do. I can imagine it’s great to reread the list after some time has passed and reflect on how much you’ve grown. Hope you stay in touch by joining my community or connecting through social media.
After the last “rounds of rejection” from him; I am officially calling it quites and realize I should have a very very long time ago. . . sad, huh? We had the initimate closeness, major chemistry, could talk for hours, etc. . . but, whenever I have asked him to join me on occasions always “no”; and of course I always heard about all his adventures but, never invited; yep 17 years of it. . . wow, i am shocked at myself!
Marilyn, I’m glad to hear you made a decision. It’s easy to feel regret/anger about the time you feel you wasted–I felt the same. But remember that now, because of this experience, you know what you don’t want in life and can focus on manifesting what you do want.
Thank you for this. This resonated with me. I had an casting today and I have no idea what the outcome will be, however all I can be is myself. So I figure if they reject me then well that is their loss not mine, as when it comes to life, not everyone is going to like you so just keep going.
no don’t feel anything but, yet another round of deep depression from his rejection; on-going for 17 years now. . . i’ll spring out of it??? don’t understand y I put up with it for so long. . . it’s a very long story, ended my marriage (which was abusive) & this guy always had another or two or more partners (which, just now realized is a form of abuse); had major health issues 5 years in and then another one 7 years in; I was always there for him; he was for me too for awhile but, then this year I asked if I was the female friend he had known the longest and he said no, there were other’s he was still in contact with that he had known longer than me. . . Interesting fact for me ~ was never good enough for my ex-abusive husband either. . . at age 50 now, yep, sadly, i’m pretty much done and over with it all. . .
Thank you for your comment, Talya! I’m happy to hear the article resonated with you. Best wishes on the casting call! Visualize yourself succeeding, and if this specific opportunity isn’t offered to you, there’ll be an ever better opportunity waiting for you. Please stay in touch by joining my online community or connecting with me through social media. All the best!
Marilyn, this is a tough time for you, so be gentle and kind to yourself. In a few weeks I’m going to release a list of resources for my blog subscribers, which will include the most powerful books I’ve found through my years of research. Make sure you download it. In the meantime, read “Ask and It Is Given” by Esther Hicks. I think this book will really help you for future relationships. Lots of love.
Glad to hear you’re getting past the suicidal ideation, requin. Suffering can empower us to cultivate compassion for ourselves and others.
Yes, the only approval you need is your self-approval, so true. I wish I had that information when I was at my lowest point. I now bless the event that put me on the path to healing and positively changing my life.
THanks Cloris, although we can’t do anything about who will reject us and when, you remind us that what we do upon being rejected is entirely up to us. We can learn from it, grow from it, take action from or ignore it altogether. Instead of worrying about who rejects us, self love and self acceptance I’ve noticed is the true key to making rejection lose it’s power.
Very well said, Vishnu! Thank you very much for your comment, and stay in touch by joining my site or connecting with me through social media. Blessings.
Isn’t it amazing, Gretta, how our perspective changes when we actually experience the old adage of “there’s a blessing in every challenge”? This was something I heard my entire life, but I only knew it when I experienced it. All the best to you, and please stay in touch! Would love to have you join my online community.
wonderful. thank you!
Thank you, Sondra, for reading the article! Stay in touch! 🙂
Thank you for this acticle, it gave me food for thought. I wonder though ; what if the rejections really isn’t the minority? What if it is more than 1%? What if almost everyone would say the rug is ugly? Cant we then conclude that the rug is indeed ugly? I don’t want to be negative, but I do think for some people this can be the reality.. How would you advice those people?
Thank you for the comment, Lisa, and for the thought-provoking questions. The rug being “ugly” or “pretty” is a matter of judgment. Our subconscious mind has been loaded with programs from the day we were born, and these programs determine our perception. This is why to be truly free we must become independent of the good opinion of other people, and remember that things (and people) are not good or bad, they just exist. I would add that if we perceive rejection by the majority of people around us, it must be that we’re placing all of our attention on the rejection itself. As a result, we are attracting more rejection into our life. Hope this helps! If you haven’t done so, connect with me by joining my online community. Many blessings.
Excellent
Emily, thank you! Hope we can connect through my site or social media! 🙂
This kind of helps me but it also kind of doesn’t. It helps because I realize that I need to become a self-actualizer. The real problem is that I just don’t know how to do this. I get rejected all the time. It gets to a point where it’s less about their perception of me and more of what’s really wrong with me…
People who reject me are not the minority in my life, unfortunately.
Kitty, this can change…Actually you can change it. Associate yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself. I’m sending you all the best. Hope you stay in touch.
Thank you for sharing your feelings…First, if you feel there is something about your behavior that you need to change for yourself (not for the people who reject you) you can start working on the changes starting today. Become aware of your thoughts and actions, and change the way you react to things. It’s a process that might take some time, but it’s possible, so focus on this fact. Connect with me by subscribing to my website. I’ll release a series of videos soon that might be helpful to you. Blessings.
“The intensity of your negative emotions will depend on the degree of attention you place on the rejection”
This helped.
“You can be aware of the unpleasant experience, but if you don’t focus on it, you’ll take away its power.” <<I have to work on this.
I’m very glad to hear it helped. I really appreciate your comment!
Any tips on how to remove the focus from the rejection? Especially when it eats away at your brain?
I would not think about removing the focus from the rejection because this actually makes it worse. When a thought about it comes to mind, accept it and then place your attention on something that makes you feel better about yourself or your life (even if it’s not related at all.) Be patient. This could take a while. But as time goes by, you’ll find yourself spending less and less time thinking about what happened. All the best to you!
This article is definitely one of the best I have read yet. My entire life, I have always been the one to reject guys. One came into my life a few months ago and he was out within a month explaining, “What we had wasn’t good enough.” For weeks, I put myself down thinking what did I do wrong? How was I not good enough for this man? I put myself out there and was supportive, caring and compassionate and I was left with rejection. I have now come to the conclusion that I am no longer going to mentally beat myself up for something that is out of my control. Some people will love you and some will not and that is life and I’m perfectly okay with that. Thanks again for the amazing article.
Learn to see rejection as proof that you’re brave enough to take on risks and to participate in the wide realm of experiences available on this planet. Thanks this really helped me to put recent rejection into perspective. i was taking a risk and now I will continue to do so 🙂 Risk=Vulnerability.
Wow, It is so true that you have discussed the positive part of rejection. WE HAVE TAKEN THE RISK OF DOING SOMETHING AND REJECTION IS AN OUTCOME to be taken in a positive way!!! Great blog!
Thank you for reading the article and for your comment! Yes, there is a positive side to everything in life. Hope you connect with me via my site or social media!
Thank you so much! Yes, sometimes I have to remind myself of this truth. I’m very happy to hear the article helped, and I hope you stay in touch via my site or social media 🙂
It is true I would’ve never gotten rejected if j didn’t take risk so thank you for that. I have to get out and live but I’m hurting right now, I just wish I could get over it.
wow. i am from brasil, met a guy online and follow in love, just to rejected latter, i never met the guy, and thought it would be possible. lesson leaned. when i get better i will tell my story but i am too hurt do it.
Thank you for this wonderful article. I went on a date yesterday, and after 25 minutes the guy told me he didn’t like me and wanted to go home. I started wondering all the things that could be wrong with me. It hurts, but I am going to use this experience to grow. I try to see every negative experience as a teacher.
This doesn’t exactly help. If friendship is harder to obtain for others (like myself), how can this change? Either people are too busy, treat me like a ghost, or just don’t want me there. While I can do to make the best of it, it’s a pattern I don’t enjoy.
I do what I can, but it’s hard to feel close to others when everything seems chaotic. I try to put myself out there, but it seems difficult. I’ve tried church, meetups, and volunteering for things.
I totally agree and am in the same position….we just aren’t meant to be in a relationship.. It’s OK, don’t dwell on it and just accept it.. I was rejected after I was sure all the right signals were given, even asked my mates to confirm…. In the end there wasn’t any attraction.. This is why I just buy a hooker.. Takes away the rejection, you get what you want without hassle, and it’s cheaper in the long run.. Downside, expect to be lonely!
Guys, thank you for reading the article. I see you’ve been hurt deeply…but don’t let these negative experiences dictate what you do or achieve in the future. Your life is precious–enjoy every second!