“Impermanence is not something to be afraid of. It’s the evolution, a never-ending horizon.” ~Deepak Chopra
I have been reading a lot lately on attachment and impermanence. It’s a big topic, one that is often hard to wrap your head and heart around. How can I live a life without attachment? Doesn’t that mean that I am not being a loving or caring person? I mean really, no attachment—it just seems cold.
This all started for me when the love of my life told me, “I love you, I am just not in love with you.” Ouch.
To say I was hurt would be a gross understatement. How could someone who I felt such strong love for not reciprocate the same feelings? This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go. We were together, attached forever, remember? Wrong.
While I didn’t like it and I didn’t want to, I had to accept what I’d heard. Sure, I fought it for a while, told myself little fairy tales that she would change her mind and come back. The call never came, my love letter did not arrive in the mail, the “here I am on your doorstep” never occurred.
It was over, and it was time for me to move forward, but how?
I would like to say that I held my head high and just moved forward with dignity and grace.
I would like to say I had a secret potion to “get over” the love of my life. I wish I could tell you of a magic book I read or twelve steps to follow to heal a broken heart. Those things I cannot offer, but I can offer you hope.
Days after we parted ways I had an overwhelming urge to walk in nature. All I wanted to do was walk by myself, and that’s exactly what I quietly did. Day after day, rain or shine, I took my little heartache out for a walk in the forest until it was exhausted.
A funny thing started to happen after a few weeks of walking. I started to notice the trees, how beautiful they were, tall, strong, and magnificent.
I started to hear the sound of the birds, the leaves blowing, the babbling of the creek, and the crackle of the earth under my feet. I started to step outside of my head and heartache, and I started to notice the things around me. It was beautiful, fresh, and amazing.
As my heart started to take in the grace of my surroundings each day on my walks, I felt little pieces of my broken heart start to heal. My self-talk of “why me” drifted away with each step.
I began to stop thinking about my loss of love and started to think about how lucky I was to have experienced love. I opened myself to gratitude rather than attachment and loss.
I had attachment to a person, an ideal, a hope. In many ways I had attached my personal happiness to this person.
In my mind the love of my life was attached and permanent, to me and for me. As I have now learned nothing in life is permanent. If we can appreciate this reality, we can open ourselves to cherish “now” moments.
Love is not about attachment or permanence. Love is about spending time with another person, sharing moments, experiences, and each other.
The moment we make it about “keeping” another for our own gain, our own need, it becomes about our ego, fears, and insecurities. A mindful, compassionate, kind being only wishes happiness and love for others. Sometimes happiness and love for others is moving on and letting go.
Months have gone by and I still walk in the forest. My heart does not ache as I walk, though.
I think of the many wonderful memories. I feel full of gratitude thinking of the magnitude of wonderful times, the laughter, and the love. I cherish those memories and I think I am pretty lucky that I was able to share those wonderful experiences of love with another person.
The trees, the forest, they remind me of the simplicity of our beautiful life. While each day is different and ever changing, I still see the splendor and magnificence. Each tree holds its own life; it is an individual amongst many others, just as we are as humans.
When I walk in the forest today I am reminded that I can appreciate the beauty of each tree, just as I can appreciate the beauty of love I share with each person.
With a deep breath and a full heart, I know just as my relationship is to the trees, so is my relationship with others. Free of the idea of attachment and permanence, we are able to see the simple beauty of this moment, now.
About Alisa Hutton
Alisa resides is Vancouver, British Columbia and is the mother of two beautiful children, Kate and Noah. Besides “Mom,” the only other title she comfortably goes by these days is human. She focuses on living simply, well, with good intent. Live with a pure heart and it all works out. Visit her at dustedwords.com
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
What a lovely article. I, too, am going through the same epiphanies after breaking of a best-friendship of 7 years. I now go into new friendships with the mentality of “What can I enjoy now and every day of this relationship, what can I learn?” rather than going in with heightened expectations 🙂
Its taking me years and I realized after about 5 that letting go for me is that this person cannot have anything to do with my life any more. Too much shame, too much pain.
Thank you! What a beautiful and insightful article. I needed to “hear” that this morning. I forgot just how spiritually healing nature can be. I plan on taking daily walks with my dog so that I can experience the change of seasons and mend my bruised heart. Thanks again for the positive message!
This was a lovely piece its a jarring realization to have and than sit with because I think we are taught to look for this “forever, he/she completes me” love to come to the knowledge that all relationships end whether it be in death or a break up really puts things in perspective. It made me realize the only constant, enduring relationship is the one I have with myself. Thats why I can’t jeopardize that for the love of another. I think we can love others but it can’t replace the relationship we have with ourselves. When I realized that it was freeing and its something I practice. Maintaining my self relationship during my last relationship made it so much easier when he decided to break things off because it was like I was hurt, I was grieving but I could look him in the eye and say yea I’ll get over this and move on.
Really lovely, touching post. In our culture we forget that nothing is permanent. We enter into relationships, even marriage, with the idea it’s forever. Statistics tell us otherwise.
I am in my second marriage but unlike the first, I recognize that regardless of how I want things to be I can only control myself and my choices, my husband is free to make his own choices in life. Knowing this is freeing and has me feel gratitude for the time we are together enjoying one another and working through difficulties with loving hearts.
One thing I have to add is that we do have verbal and written agreements. If we want to change those agreements or we’re not getting our needs met, we talk about it and make changes or recommit to our original agreement. It takes a certain level of emotional maturity to navigate a relationship in this way and coming from a rather dysfunctional beginning and past marriage, I had a wide gap to close. What I’ve learned I’ve passed onto my son who brings much of this mindset to his life and relationship. It’s remarkable to see someone so young (18 years-old) navigate relationship on such a high level.
I walk on the beach everyday and hike in the woods when I can. I’m 59 years old and it’s what I’ve always done. I’ve noticed that when I skip more than a day or two I’m out-of-sorts. Walking in nature is a ‘must’ for me regardless of what’s happening in my life but even more critical when all hell breaks loose!
Look forward to reading more from you . . .
Doesn’t matter how long it takes. Do what is best for you.
I love this article. Having a significant other is a plus, it isn’t a minus. There is a freedom in detachment. People change and we all go through our own fazes in life. That’s why some stay and some leave. We learn from everyone and gain wisdom. I also love walking in nature. It is refreshing and therapeutic; an escape. Heals my soul.
This is beautiful, walking outside has been very therapeutic for me during my separation from my husband, reading this just gave me more hope. Thank you for sharing your story.
I would offer that without loving & tender kindness at the time of a relationship ending, the person left behind can suffer greatly. You should end a relationship with care, it’s when you don’t, that hurt we feel can be overwhelming.
Wow. Yes, the shattering realisation of impermanence caused by the “I love you but…” bombshell, uttered by someone IMO who has lost, or perhaps never had, an understanding of what it is “to love”.
I believe you can travel down only one of two paths:
1. Self-destruction. Through grief, sadness, regret, “what ifs”, bitterness and so on. Possibly self-medicated with drugs or alcohol to take the sting off for short periods. This could last from days to years. You might travel this path first or not at all, before switching to…
2. An acute rise in awareness. Noticing the “beautiful, fresh and amazing” sights and sounds of nature more vividly that Alison Hutton writes about here. In other words: Presence.
Personally, I did whatever came naturally. My habits changed almost overnight. I stopped watching TV or reading the Metro on the train (or any media). I lost interest in alcohol. I started meditating.
I noticed the ‘little’ things like Alison. I noticed when I was having judgemental or complaining thoughts. I found that looking for the best in people and being kind, even when they don’t “deserve it”(!), felt good. Felt like healing. Felt like compassion not only for other people, but for me too. This “self-love” that gets advocated so often when suffering loss.
A renewed and powered-up appreciation of what “is”: “the simplicity of our beautiful life”.
Thank you for this article.
Thank you so much for your very kind words. I could not agree more with all you said and your son is very fortunate to have such healthy tools at such a young age:) Again, thank you for sharing.
Every one is different in their journey and respecting that in yourself is a wonderful thing. Sometimes what is best for ourselves and others is that we do say goodbye. What is healthiest, does not always feel easy on the heart though. I commend you for recognizing what you did in yourself, it takes courage.
Thank you for sharing and helping us inthe process. My heart and mind thank you!
We forget that nothing last forever and that change is inevitable…
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, it is a refreshing way to approach relationships and life. We do not always realize how much attachment drives our choices and interactions. For me this has expanded to all of my relationships and it has brought a great deal of joy of the simplicity of each moment.
Thank you so much for sharing your very kind thoughts:) It is amazing how just a little time outdoors can restore us. Having a doggie to walk is an added bonus! 🙂 Keep good care of that heart.
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. It really does put things in to perspective. I very much agree with the importance of self-relationship. I believe it is what is most respectful to us and those that we spend our time with. It offers us so much more quality in our life and in all of our relationships.
Thank you for your words and insights. What you speak of it so very true. We can not control the way the wind blows in our lives but we certainly do makes choices around how we experience it. In simplicity we can find a great deal of happiness. Thank you again.
What you bring up was actually a very big insight for me within this experience. I was able to recognize the sort of internal harshness that I felt simply from the relationship not ending in the most caring way. I have taken that and let it be a guide for me in how I interact with people in all my relationships. There is always space for kindness in difficult conversations.
Thank you Jessica, for your thoughts and kind words. Break ups and separations can be so incredibly difficult. It is a process we all have to walk through and we do the best we can. Take good care of that heart:) It may feel bruised right now, but it will heal and be happier than ever!
Thank you very much:) I agree so much with all you have shared. It heals me too, amazing how restorative it is.
It’s hard to accept as i still haven’t let go of an ex entirely. My story is that I moved to a different state, in literally the middle of nowhere to be with this person. I became very mentally ill and was in and out of the hospital. Just a few short months after the relationship started, it ended horribly and he left the town a few months after that. It went from being together, to literally no communication overnight. He changed his number and shut me off like a light switch. He had his reasons, but it hurt worse than anything I’d ever felt. I loved this man more than anyone I’ve ever been with. At 27 I’ve been through my share of relationships, so I knew more about what I wanted. When he fit everything I wanted, and we had such a chemistry- such a strong match, I dove in without thinking. I came out burned.
After our breakup, and a suicide attempt (stemming from subsequent mental illness and utter hopelessness over my situation) I began to listen to the teachings of buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh. I learned alot about non attachment here, about impermanence. I try to practice it in my daily life.
But like the poster, I also felt like it was too cold and sharp to ‘be that way’. I am an extremely loyal person to everyone in my life, I will literally love someone until the end of time. So its a hard concept to wrap my heart around, but impermanence is a real thing and cannot be denied. Everything changes. It seems like the bitter sweet reality I’d rather ignore, but cannot.
My therapist told me its okay to grieve for longer than what we might think of as “normal”. Some of us will grieve for short periods of time, while others will take much longer. She said that there is no real limitation on such things, and to allow myself the space to do so. We forget too that our relationship to grief is important when we are in the process of healing from a break up. 9 Months later I still have moments where I cry and wish I could kiss him or just hear his voice. But I know now that the reason things ended was in part because of me too, I know the mistakes I have made and I also know that people are with free will of their own.
I was able to change my mentality from “Why the fuck would he do this to me?” To: “Well if I am not what he needs, or the trust has been broken – It is better for us both to be apart”. I will not plead for someone to love me anymore, if they can’t do it of their own accord- then it does not belong to me in the first place.
Its fucking hard, but time does heal. Time and self -work all help to heal these wounds. I do believe that people can have successful long term relationships, even with life changing in between- but thats a rare gift. I hope to stumble upon it someday.
Also, I dont think we are all inherently alone. I just think that in modern day society, we are less communally minded in this regard. Too quick to dump someone out of our lives for our own selfish needs or delusions. Who you let in and out of your life is a choice, the ‘inevitable’ is a choice too. We chose who we let go.
So true Alisa
But the memories will always hunt you down no matter what and it brings back the depression which is very bad! I can’t really forget people, it’s so hard.
Thank you so much for sharing your words and thoughts. I think what you say about grief is such an important piece to all of this. Grieving is important and taking the time to process through your emotions as they come, honor them, good, bad or indifferent is greatly beneficial in finding ourselves again. While we do not always know it at the time, living in the now of our emotions is what gives us the ability to also experience the now of all the beautiful things around us. Thank you again and for sharing your journey.
I actually do not try to forget people any longer. We can not, it is part of our human experience. What I do though is choose what those thoughts look like, how long they stay for. I let the negative thoughts come and I direct them out quietly. I make a point of challenging them with positive memories and there always is positive, even in the worst relationships. I often say it is like two buckets in your brain. A happy bucket and a negative bucket. I continually fill the happy bucket and dump the negative bucket as soon as something lands in it. Having experienced depression, letting those negative things we tell ourselves take over is a very slippery slope.
You are welcome and thank you for your kind words. Take good care of that heart and mind:)
How did you know what I needed to read today? I have been very sad and confused by some friendships that just faded away even with my trying hard to keep them and doing all I could to maintain them. I am thankful for those friendships. They were what I needed at the time and they brought me joy and stability. However, impermanence is a fact of life and sometimes people just drift on for whatever reason. Sometimes our attachments can be habit, instead of real joy. Thanks for reminding me of that.
I’m 19 and I feel so hard to get over things and it hurts so much and like all the memories comes back and you get all those overwhelming feelings and the most greatest anxiety hits you so bad and everything feels so shit and you don’t even know what to do, I’ve overcame very bad depression but still when the hard time comes I remember all the people like I never forget people and remembering them brings all the depression and I don’t even know where they are, whether alive or dead. They’re other half side of the world, I’ve met most of them on the social networking sites but still attachment is still there. Memories hurts so bad.
Thank you so much, I know depression is not something than can be fixed over a night, my depression is just memories with the people and it brings a lot of pain. I’ll try to do as you said like I’ll let the memories kick in and react to them than to be depressed, I’ll try and let you know how it goes. Thanks!
Absolutely. =]
Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts. Life can be hard navigating our feelings, letting go, missing people. I do not know that there is a black and white solution. I do think though as long as you can honor you, your feelings and let them come and go that is a good start. There is a lot of beautiful things around us and sometimes we just need to slow down enough to notice them. Slowly but surely our brain and heart work a little more closely together.
Good guesser;) I think what you say about being thankful is so true and such a good place to start from. Just allowing ourselves to see the good in every situation, brings us gratitude and often a healthy release of attachment. Thanks for sharing your thoughts:)
Alisa, your article is beautiful in its simplicity and truth! Thank you for sharing this. It’s taken me many years to even consider the notion of impermanence and love living together.
Thank you Sarah, I really appreciate your words:) It has taken me more than a few *ahem* years as well:) It is a really neat place to be once you are open to it. A whole new appreciation of life.
Its taking me years too. about five too and I never had a chance to be close with them. Seems so ridiculous since I had my first relationship before that, and that took less time to meet, be with and get over than this person. I forget when I don’t talk to them and send so much love and light, still being hurt and angry….but if we talk its a toxic chemical reaction if I try to connect with them. Its rough.
Can’t attachment and love go hand and hand. I mean don’t they? I think that’s how it ought to be.
…but I am in a situation where I don’t want to let go and believe the person is closed off and I want to work through it but we just end up fighting. They keep saying they are too busy to spend any time with me. I’m so frustrated because I don’t believe them or that’s the issue, but your supposed to believe someone when they show you who they are.
In the past I didn’t fight I just stayed quiet and that’s how I came into the relationship then it ended in fighting. Now its happening all over again and I didn’t even get to be with this person. But I feel so whole heartedly that I love them, I wish I would have told them and really shown them that I do care so much.
Attachment is a tricky concept, especially when it comes to love. There is many different examples and teachings out there about attachment and love. If you are interested in it I would encourage you to read on it more. There are many great stories and teachings that can help us understand on a different level…maybe look from a different perspective. There is a saying that love is not a debt that needs to be repaid with love. I remind myself of this. It is human and a wonderful thing to love, however when we do love with an expectation of something in return we have now attached our happiness to the outcome of that expectation. If you have loved truly and with good intent that is a great thing to celebrate. Your actions are a reflection of you, the other persons actions is always a reflection of them. When we can accept both, we can reach a new level of peace in ourselves. I think:)
Your words resonated deep within me. I felt as if I was reading my own thoughts. As I read each one I felt a confirmation that I am on the right track. Lately I’ve felt I have forgotten my way because of the chaos that has been distracting me from the path in which I walked, it seemed just months ago.
I have been wondering if there is something wrong with me ‘because’ of my lack of attachment to human beings. My ability to let go so easily and move forward with such ease and contentment. “Love is not about attachment or permanence. Love is about spending time with another person, sharing moments, experiences, and each other”
As I read the very last word, my eyes glanced over to who this brilliant writer was…my heart jumped and I felt an exuberance of emotion knowing it was someone I had related to many times before, sharing the same insight. I was so excited to see the name Alisa Hutton! Bravo…once again I am inspired by your words!
T 😉
With love and gratitude, thank you T, xo.
Not to get all science on you:) but the way the brain works the only thing more powerful than fear, anxiety, depression and such is love. I do not mean love in the romantic sense but love in general. As simple as smiling at someone, random act of kindness, going for a walk and making a effort to notice those beautiful things. When we put as much of that type of love and happiness in us it actually rewires our brain to a place of happiness rather than the sadness. It is an amazing thing that we actually can rewire our brain. It is a process, but it does happen a day at a time:) I would never say ignore the pain, you need to feel it but dump as much happy in to that bucket too!
Sometimes no matter how hard you try the relationship isn’t allowed to be ended in care and working together to kindly do it. Some people want to push you to the max no matter how caring you are and then play the victim
.
The thing that hurts is I am very active on social networking sites and many people come and go! and then some day I remember like I’ve talked to this person but then i dont know any way to talk with them and i keep thinking about it and then i realise that those people are gone and I’d never get to talk with them, it hurts! I try to forget them but its hard
all words are wonderful
Thank you☺
I guess all you can do is try your best to focus on those who are there, that are in you life in the present. You may miss out on some really good people and experiences if you spend too much time thinking about people who are not there any longer. My friend refers to this as ‘telling ourselves ghost stories’. We tell ourselves these stories that are not real and we miss out on actual life.
“if you have loved truly and with good intent that is a great thing to celebrate”.
Awesome perspective! I have been so hard on myself following the end of a not very healthy relationship which I did not want to end. How did I let myself get into this situation? How could I be so stupid? I realize just how self-defeating that is. I know that I loved the best I could and had good intentions, and it doesn’t matter what he thought or did. I can only control what I thought or did. And I believe my motives were pure and good, so I am thankful I had the opportunity, even if someone else didn’t appreciate it.
FANTASTIC post!!! Truly beautiful!!! Thank you for sharing your message, and offering such a lovely analogy, and powerful points! 🙂 I really appreciated this post! I love when you said “Love is not about attachment or permanence. Love is about spending time
with another person, sharing moments, experiences, and each other.”
Thank you very much:) It brings a smile to my face to read your comments. I am glad you enjoyed it!
I really understand how you have felt Jewel, sounds like we share similarities in our experiences. I asked myself the same questions and it begins to feel like a bad ride you get on and can not get off; spins and goes no where. When you finally do get off and your feet are planted firmly on the ground again, it is a great thing.
This is a really beautiful post, and you present such a great point about impermanence. I came to this realization a few years ago, and it can be a little rough when those around you don’t necessarily agree with you. They feel that you don’t care as deeply as they do, or that you’re less committed. It’s not the case for me anyway, just that my true happiness and well being are not attached to one single person remaining in my life. I still love, honor and respect my relationships though. Thanks for sharing, this was a great post 🙂