TRIGGER WARNING: This content deals with an account of sexual abuse and may be triggering to some people.
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~Maria Robinson
My uncle molested me from the time I was about four until I was in my early twenties. He held me too long and hugged me too tight. He would growl in my ear like an animal in heat, his warm, wet, often alcoholic smelling breath overwhelming me.
This is how he greeted me at every occasion. When I was really small, I almost looked forward to seeing him because I liked the attention and believed he loved me, although deep down inside, I always felt as if I were doing something wrong, something naughty.
As I grew, he began to grope my ass through my clothing while he whispered in my ear. He would tell me that I was sexy as he growled and hugged me tighter, pressing me up against his body. Much to my horror, I was aroused.
I was aroused by my uncle. “MY UNCLE!” I would think to myself. “What on Earth was wrong with me? Surely something was gravely wrong with me to be aroused by my own uncle.”
I wasn’t even sure of what arousal was at that point and only in retrospect could identify what I was feeling. I didn’t have a name for sex at that age, but I could feel it and knew it was wrong deep down in my belly. I felt wrong.
He was an adult. He was my uncle. He loved me.
I felt the problem was surely mine and would chastise myself as disgusting and dirty. I kept my secret close. I assumed the other members of my family knew of his behavior and that he was normal. He didn’t try to hide it, or so it seemed to me.
He acted out all the time. He was loud, erratic, and verbally abusive. His behavior was blamed on his drinking and the fact that he was an eccentric artist who simply couldn’t control himself.
This was the way it was. This was the way it was to be.
When I was a teenager dancing at a wedding, he told me seductively that he wanted to “make love to me.” I laughed, deflecting his advance as he pulled me in tighter. He had told me that he wanted to have sex with me.
I knew it was true. I wondered if I would have the strength and courage to say no. I felt the planes and curves of his entire body pressed into mine on that dance floor as I drifted up above, looking down from a cloud, wondering how I might ever escape myself.
It was only in my late teens that I began questioning if my sickness wasn’t possibly in part his sickness, because in every book that I read and every movie that I saw, I searched but could not find a relationship like the one I had with my uncle.
I would wait for the scene in a movie between two related people to become romantic. When it never did, I began to wonder if that bad, ugly feeling in my belly had been trying to tell me something about him.
I cried to my boyfriend night after night, because the more emotionally intimate we became, the harder it became for me to be physically intimate with him, and he wanted to know why I was in such pain.
After a Thanksgiving dinner accompanied by my uncle’s raucous behavior and inappropriate advances, my boyfriend insisted on confronting my father. To my shock, my father claimed that he had no idea of my special relationship with my uncle. He never would have guessed.
No one knew but me.
I simply never imagined that I would be in the position of having to defend myself. My uncle had been so free in his behavior with me. It never occurred to me that he would deny it.
He denied it, as did his wife and the entire side of the family that accompanied him. Not only did they deny it, they threw accusations at me.
“Crazy. Depressed. Liar. She’s unable to interpret harmless behavior.” They defended his honor as husband, father, and grandfather with vigor as if he were a hero—someone to be lauded, not disparaged and blamed with this filth.
My father had confronted him and relayed the information to me. I did not have the courage to confront him myself.
Just as I never dreamed I would need a defense, I never dreamed of how many would accuse me. Even my own brother sided with them, and my father would soften my uncle’s blame with statements like “he didn’t mean to hurt you.”
I wanted to scream so loud the heavens would respond. Cry so long my eyes would bleed into pools of blood around my feet on the floor. Vomit up every one of my organs in sheer disgust.
But what they didn’t understand is that the blaming, name-calling, and crafting of an airtight defense against me were all unnecessary. I wanted nothing from any of them. I did not want an admission. I did not want an apology.
I did not want revenge.
I did not want him grabbing my ass at my wedding. I did not want to have to explain to my someday husband my “special” relationship with my uncle. I did not want him to have access to the children I would someday have.
I wanted him to reconsider his behavior before his son’s newborn baby girl, the first girl born into the family since my birth, turned four. I did not want to ever see his disgusting face again. I did not want to feel anymore that sick, dark pain deep in my belly as he touched me.
I did not want him to touch me again, ever. I wanted my future to be different from my past. That is all I wanted.
And I got it. I never saw him again. I turned and walked away from all the disbelievers and my uncle the molester.
I found people who did empathize and help me heal. I faced the truth of what had been done to me and got the help I needed to go on to live a healthy, normal existence. In doing so, I learned that it is common for families to turn on abuse victims and believe the abuser rather than the abused.
Were you abused? Did you speak your truth, and no one believed you? Did you speak your truth and experience the pain of even one person doubting you?
If you were abused and someone, anyone, didn’t believe you, know that I do. I believe you. I stand with you, and for you, in the small way I can.
Speaking the truth after being abused takes incredible courage and strength. I am proud of you. My story can be your story.
We can be victorious together as survivors. I am a survivor. You are a survivor.
We are stronger for having survived. We stand together triumphantly and move forward, bravely living abuse free lives.
If you have been abused or are currently a victim of abuse and have not yet spoken out, I urge you to reach toward a safe person and speak your truth. You too are strong and courageous and deserve to live an abuse free life. Stand with me, no longer a victim but a survivor.
Start today and make a new ending.
Photo by Cornelia Kopp
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Your courage and strength is truly commendable. I have not
personally experienced these horrors, but I have a couple close people in my
life who have and have opened up to me about it. Fortunately, this abuse does
not persist anymore and these dear people to me are in better places in life
now. To hear about things like this brings disgust in my own stomach, but to
hear people who can tell their story in hopes of reaching out to someone else
who is going through the same thing is amazing. We usually feel too ashamed to
tell about our life’s troubles, but every once in a while, I see strength in
someone’s eyes and I see hope. And that means everything. Thank you for sharing
your story.
Thank you for sharing this experience. You are so courageous and I am so glad that this website published it. I did not have a personal experience in this area but it is so helpful to me because I have children and want to be aware. Amazing piece. Wishing you the best of everything…: )
To Any Readers Out There!! There is a Mistake in the Bio. MY CURRENT WEBSITE IS http://www.NoLongerHidingOut.com. COME VISIT ME THERE!! MUCH LOVE, AMYKATE
my god. I am living this right now, about my brother (I am a 48 year-old man). I tried to speak my truth and my father insisted I not tell my mother because it would be “too much for her.” my parents were a large part of the problem, a dynamic that continues to this day. thank you for sharing your story and helping me feel less alone.
“If you were abused and someone, anyone, didn’t believe you, know that I do. I believe you.” THANK YOU.
There are no safe people…. only people.
Thank you! Every time one of us is brave enough to say the words out loud, to speak the TRUTH, people are saved
This is such a powerful, courageous post. I began writing about my childhood sexual abuse a couple of years ago, but still could not come out of that closet of shame. A few months ago I started a blog to “practice” speaking out–hoping the whole world wouldn’t come crashing down. I know now it is the vehicle to my recovery. http://morningpageswriter.wordpress.com
Thanks so much for adding to my strength by telling your story.
Thank for this article. Your courage to speak out is inspirational. There are too many people that hate themselves for having this experience, yet it is hard for them to confront it within themselves and to their abusers. I hope this article will help them.
Why not go to the police, since family does not believe and they are in denial, maybe they know and they do not want the family to be ashame. Here is the thing if this scams are not stop they will continue to do it to others , it happend to my to me and it happend to my cousin. They need to be stopped. otherwise your uncle continues doing and damaging the lives of innocent childreen .. this scambugs do not stop.
Thankyou I’ve recently reported my abuser to the police and from the sounds of it they know the guy in question. I remember telling my sister about it soon after but she didn’t believe me even after drawing the plans for the flat etc.
I don’t blame her she was only 13 ish when I told her. I’ve still yet to tell my parents though even with the investigation going on.
Sometimes the people we love the most are the abusers. Thank you for your comment.
Much love,
AmyKate
Thank you for sharing…when my family and friends turned their back on me when Idecided to speak out and make a big decision to leave my abuser it crushed me..I still don’t understand why but it has made me a better mother to my children..they are my number 1
I think one of the rewards of parenthood is the second chance of having a family on your terms. I know I derive so much joy from having a family I created that is completely abuse free and full of love. It feels like a second chance for me everyday. Thank you for your comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Thankfully my family believed me. I am sorry that you had to endure those accusations. Thank you AmyKate for not being afraid to discuss abuse. I definitely stand with you http://www.phils-light.com/fight-the-funct/
I don’t know the statistics but the majority of children who are abused are abused by someone they know and often by someone they love. You can never be too careful. Thank you for your comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
One of my biggest regrets is that I did not speak out sooner or go to the police and press charges but at the time all I wanted was to get away from him. I did not have the confidence or strength to press charges. Now the statute of limitations has run out. I wish you all the best with your case and hope you get the outcome you are looking for.
Much Love,
AmyKate
I hope so too. The last person they should hate is themselves. I wrote the article so that hopefully those who are experiencing similar circumstances but feel all alone will realize that they are not. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Much love,
AmyKate
Keep speaking your truth. There is such power in the truth. You should be proud of what you are doing. I stand beside you!
Much Love,
AmyKate
That is my hope as well!!! Thank you for your thoughtful post.
Much Love,
AmyKate
You can’t change people and you can’t force them to see your truth. I have had to move away from people because of this fact. It is EXTREMELY painful that maintaining a veneer could be more important that someone’s love or concern for you. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this right now. My eyes are tearing up writing this. I hope you find your way to some people who can support you in your truth and not ask you to live a lie for them.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Being aware is the best way to protect your children so good for you! Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Thank you. I believe it is important to share this story so that others experiencing the same thing might become empowered enough to reach out for help. That is my greatest hope. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Oh, lovely woman! Thank you for baring your soul in such a public forum for all those who have kept their secret. After reading your beautiful post I am sure that there will be people who read this and find freedom, finally! Your experience has found a voice and will now help others heal and find peace! Thank you, with love! ♥
One of my closest friends was sexually abused by two male relatives as a child. The first one died before she ever got a chance to tell anyone about him. When she worked up the courage to tell her parents what the second one had done to her, virtually her entire family turned on her. They refused to believe that this “good guy” who everyone loved could have sexually abused anyone. He was clean-cut, handsome, popular, successful, a high school and college athlete who went on to be a minister, of all things! She was accused of being “evil” and “envious” and some even suggested that she must have seduced him! She eventually cut off all contact with her family and spend several years struggling with drugs and bulimia before she finally found her way to help. She now works for an organization that serves homeless and runaway youth, a huge number of whom are on the streets because of sexual abuse at home. In many ways she appears to have “survived” and “healed.” But she still has issues with touch and physical boundaries and has struggled to maintain healthy romantic relationships. After a recent, ugly breakup, she has begun to wonder if she should just remain alone. The wounds run deep, and sometimes never heal.
It startles me that so many people still don’t believe sexual abuse victims, even after years of raising awareness. Is it denial? Ignorance? Both? In the face of such resistance, it makes my respect for those who tell their stories, despite the very real risk of rejection, that much greater. We need to make it even easier for victims of abuse to come forward and be believed, no matter how ugly the truth may be. Monsters walk among us. And no matter who they are, they must be called out.
I am sharing your website with my friend. Thank you for being so brave, and all the best to you.
And, you can never be too open with your children when they are young, expressing that, as a parent, you are their safe haven. That they can talk to you about anything! Telling them that anytime they feel a bad feeling about how someone is holding them or touching them, they can come to you and talk about it without fear of punishment or being “wrong”. And explaining that they can trust you not to share what they tell you with a close family member. My daughter shared an experience with me that prevented her suffering abuse!
Thank you so much for sharing! I believe this was a message for me to read, and for many others as well. We stand united, leaving behind the past and victimization and converting it into a victorious future! God Bless xo
Here’s a little more about the importance of being truthful about abusive relationships. http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/10/abuse-why-telling-the-truth-will-set-you-free-hannah-furr/
Thank you so much for sharing this article, my 13 year old nice is going through something similar. And yes I believe usually the people closer to you tend to be the abuser. All I want to do is hug and protect her, and I could never turn my back on her. I wish I could erase all the bad memories and make it all better for her. No child should ever go through this, and I definitely don’t trust anyone with my children.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I too am a survivor of sexual abuse. It is my mission and calling in life to be a voice for anyone who does not have one. My friend and I are racing in an international Rallye to bring awareness to this epidemic. 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are abused by their 18th birthday. Terrible statistics. We have partnered with the charity ‘Voice Today’. They have been amazing and have great tools for healing. Much love to you as you continue on your journey. We also made a video, if you want to check it out, go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFvNxB7d78w, or http://www.teamxelles.com. Good job on taking a stand and drawing healthy boundaries.
Blessings,
Rachelle Croft
Team #182
Fellow Survivor
I was recently stalked and harassed by a beloved family friend who is older than my father. I kept quiet about it for 6 months because he was a very loving grandparent to my children, but it made me sick being near him. I finally confronted him and his family and they were confused and incredulous. He confessed he was in love and obsessed with me, but everyone begged me to get over it so we could all play happy families. I did for a year until severe ill-health forced me to put up boundaries and speak the truth. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, and I doubted it was the right thing to do, but I am glad I have done it. You are brave, and I am inspired by your story, and it helps me to keep strong in my resolve to cut him out of our lives, as I deserve to feel safe. It felt wrong and it was wrong, other people just don’t want to deal with things changing- thanks for sharing 🙂
Wow…this is one of the most shocking blogs I’ve ever read! Must have taken a lot of courage to share your vulnerability with all of us…Glad to hear that you are in a better place now…:-). Out of curiosity; did you end up marrying the same boyfriend who told you to face your fears?
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I too am a survivor of sexual abuse. I am in therapy dealing with it, but outside of that I barely speak about it. Your story really resonated with me and made me realise I am not alone, especially in the way I am feeling. I was abused when I was about 5 or 6 (many of the memories are still foggy, but I am working at unlocking them) and I only disclosed these memories when I was 19 years old to my therapist and then at 21 years old to my family and a handful of close friends. It is hard changing thought patterns you have had almost your entire life and it often scares me – will I ever be “normal” again? But I am working hard at it and I’d like to think I have come very far. Thank you, Amy, for making me feel less alone and for making me feel like my emotions are valid.
Anje,
I am so sorry that you were abused. Thank you for your comment and I am glad that you are getting help. I would suggest that you give up the notion of being “normal” and just be exactly the way you are. You are perfect as is and the more that you work on yourself the more of yourself you will be. Be the best version of Anje that you can be. There is nothing wrong with you. Your past is just a part of who you are and all of you is exactly as it should be. Find a way to not be in pain through therapy but never think that there is anything wrong with you or that you need to strive for some sort of normalcy. You are already perfect right now!
Much Love,
AmyKate
It was a little scary but I just kept thinking of how many people I could potentially help if I told the story…how much it would have helped me to read this story in my teens when I was struggling with what to do about my own situation. The boyfriend who forced the issue with my Dad and I did not end up getting married but he and I are still really close friends. He is the only ex boyfriend I have ever stayed friends with. He read at our wedding and we attended his. We live in the same city so we see him occasionally. He and his wife are like extended family. Thanks for your comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Good for you for sticking up for yourself. Shame on your family for asking you to make that kind of sacrifice. Hopefully they are supporting you now that you have made the decision. You not only did the right thing for yourself but you set a precedent for your children that being treated that way is abusive and not allowed. They will carry that with them. Thank you for your comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Congratulations on all of the good work you are doing! We need warriors like you!
Thank you for your comment!
Much Love,
AmyKate
Thank you so much! Blessings to you and your friend! Another great resource I have found is ‘The Wounded Heart’ By Dr. Dan B. Allandar and ‘Not Marked’ By Mary Demuth. Best of luck!
That’s beautiful…yes, I feel the same way when I read a lot of people’s experiences in Tiny Buddha..if I had something like this when I was struggling with a lot of my own inner demons particularly during my teenage years as well… Then again, I suppose if each of us hadn’t gone through certain experiences in our lives; maybe each of us wouldn’t be here sharing each others stories & realizing there are other people going through similar experiences as well & that we are not as alone & lost as well may feel at times… Really appreciate your authenticity & wish you the best! 🙂
I feel like my relationship with my children has been a second chance. My relationship with my daughter has been a second chance at a mother daughter relationship, I am just the mother. It has been incredibly healing. So I understand why it has made you a better mother. Detaching from my family of origin and focusing on my family of creation makes me a better, happier person. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
You are her hero and protector. I’m sure she adores you. Good for you for being that person for her. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Thank you so much! I look forward to a victorious future as well!
Much Love,
AmyKate
Thank you so much. Your beautiful comment makes me want to cry. I feel so appreciated.
Much Love,
AmyKate
We all learn and gain strength from each other. That is the beauty of humanity. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Thank you Anna.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Thank you Laurie,
I am so glad your family believed you. What a blessing. Thank you for your kind words.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Good for you for going to the police. I wish I had done that. Eventually you will tell your parents. Good luck. And Thank you for your comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Thank you Kathy! Your words feel so good to hear. Thank you for for comment!
Much Love,
AmyKate
If I were not sitting down, this would have brought me to my knees; I can barely see through my tears. Your story is so very close to mine in many ways. Thank You for sharing
It’s horrible. It feels wrong. But much of it happens in a ‘loving’ and often public way which no-one else seems to notice. And when we are young we don’t have the vocabulary, or
understanding, or experience to deal with it. It is distressing, confusing. By the time we have any clarity on the situation, the harm is done. We are broken. I can’t bear how ugly humans can be. Well done for gathering your power and life to you. Love and happiness to you all