“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” ~Sam Keen
I recently went with girlfriends to hear one of our favorite beach bands play. Since I turn into a pumpkin at midnight, I talked a friend into taking me home early.
While walking to our car, we witnessed a couple fighting. There was no pushing or shoving. Fists weren’t involved. Bizarrely enough, this couple was on opposite sides of the parking lot having their fight over their cell phones.
Due to the volume of their voices, the fight was easy to follow. Apparently, she didn’t give a rip about anyone but herself (his point of view) and he was a control freak (her point of view). There was much discussion back and forth and the words weren’t very nice, so I’ll gloss over that. However, what struck me about that fight was how pointless it seemed.
Did that couple realize how lucky they were to have each other? I wanted to scream at both of them, “What if something tragic happened to one of you on the way home tonight—would this fight have been worth it?”
I see too many couples take their relationships for granted. They forget why they fell in love. They forget the dreams they had and the plans they made. They forget their promises and commitments. The “healthy” of their relationships is based on personal happiness, rather than doing what is best for the both of them.
Love is a choice, not a feeling or an emotion. It’s a decision you make every day of your life. Even when your mate doesn’t take out the trash, or spends too much time at the mall, or when your new haircut or outfit goes unnoticed, or when poor financial decisions set you back—you can still decide to love.
Love is for better or worse. And when you choose not to love, you’ve given up and given in.
It’s a decision you’ll regret.
Take it from a widow that wishes every day that she had her husband at home to leave the toilet seat up, or scatter Popsicle sticks and papers all around the couch, or smoke stinky cigars in the house, or forget to pay the bills or pick up the kids. All those imperfections about your mate are what you will miss the most when they are gone.
Choosing to love isn’t always easy, but it is worth the effort. Here are some ways you can choose to love on a daily basis:
1. Let go of the little things. If you are truly honest, you’ll realize most of them are little things.
2. Give more than you take in your relationship.
3. Love without strings attached.
4. Communicate, communicate, communicate!
5. Look at the world through your mate’s eyes. Seeing things from their perspective helps you better understand their actions and motivations.
6. Pay attention to your mate. Look at them and focus on what they are saying or doing.
7. Before you blame, examine yourself first.
8. Let it be okay that you don’t see eye-to-eye on everything. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree.
9. Accept and celebrate your mate’s differences and uniqueness. Face it—you can’t change them, but you can change your attitude about their quirks.
10. Validate your mate’s feelings. Don’t try to “fix” their perspective or contradict them. Accept their feelings without judgment or correction.
11. Hold hands.
12. Work as a team. You are life mates, not room mates.
13. Be flexible with your mate. While consensus is always the goal, sometimes we have to bend to the other’s wishes.
14. Share your vulnerabilities and fears with your mate. A load carried by two is easier than one carried alone.
15. Be faithful to your mate, both emotionally and physically.
16. Don’t hide things from your mate. Trust is fragile—handle with care.
17. Send love notes—a card, text, voice mail, or message on a sticky note or the bathroom mirror will do.
18. Laugh. A lot.
19. Speak respectfully of your mate. They like to hear you talk about them favorably in front of others, but it means even more when you talk glowingly about them when they aren’t around.
20. Encourage your mate to be the best person they can be. Support their hobbies, learning interests, and passions. Be their biggest fan.
21. Apologize. And mean it.
22. Forgive. And mean it.
23. Develop couple rituals that are known only to you.
24. Work on goals and dreams together. Planning is half the joy.
25. Public displays of affection!
26. Say “yes” more often than “no.”
27. Appreciate the inner beauty of your mate.
28. Accept and love your mate’s family and friends.
29. Schedule time alone together, even if it’s just a walk around the block or drive in the country.
30. Love yourself. You can’t decide to love another until you can decide to love yourself.
Loving another person isn’t easy, and it can’t be based on feelings or emotions that fluctuate like the weather. Choose actions that show your love, and make the decision to do it every day.
Photo by Chrismatos
About Cynthia Hughes Lynch
Cynthia H. Lynch is an educator, mother, and freelance writer living in the Deep South. She is a recent widow and writes about her grief journey on her blog www.27twenty-seven.blogspot.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
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Thank you for this, Cynthia – and as always, I’m sorry for your loss. You have a beautiful spirit, and I’m thankful that you’ve chosen to share it with me.
This was such an amazing and inspiring article! Loved it and sent to it my “other”!
Thank you so much. From a woman who is twice divorced and now deeply in love and in a relationship with my best friend. I’m crying right now, because I already do all these things. I had to learn them all the hard way. And that’s alright. I learned them. In my way and in my time. And I am benefiting from all my hard work and all my mistakes. Thank you for finding words. Thank you for sharing them here so that I can share them with others.
ugh, no I am just being bitter because I am having problems
Loved loved loved it. so inspiring 🙂
Beautiful post, Cynthia – thank you for sharing it
Funny how in my recently broken relationship, I can honestly say I did, or at least tried hard to do, the vast majority of those things, and the whole thing still fell apart in spite of it – maybe even, partly, because of it. Granted, the long distance nature of it probably accelerated its collapse, but I suspect it would have happened sooner or later. A relationship is a thing of two and if one doesn’t have the will to make it work, it just won’t, no matter how hard one tries. In my case, I may have failed at a couple of the points, but she failed miserably at more and more important ones, I think. She simply seemed to stop caring enough about me or our relationship after a significant change in her routine and environment.
Thank you for this post. Very inspiring.
Yes, this was my thought. If one person does these things, it won’t work.
What a beautiful post that made me smile as I thought about the love in my life while I was reading it. And my Love did receive a little reminder that I was thinking about him after I was done reading the post. 🙂 This post’s timing is interesting as just this morning I was reflecting about how a friend had met the love of his life and suddenly lost her to a brain hemorrhage. No warning… one minute she was there, the next she was gone. Let your loved one know you love them now… and often! (I’m guilty of not doing it enough.)
i love that . if all could do that always & to each other
Thank you for your sweet words. We are not promised tomorrow, so we need to live and love each day as if it were the last. Glad you did something special for your love.
You are right…it takes two to make a relationship work. One can’t carry the load alone. However, if you’ve given your all and it does not work out at least you can walk away with no regrets.
It is easy to become bitter when there are challenges in your relationship. But remember, bitterness is a poison that will seep into every crack and crevice of your life and destroy you from the inside out. It is my prayer that things work out for you.
Your joy is evident in your words. I’m so glad that you have found the right love and the right way to love. We all learn the hard way, I fear. That’s the way life is…first comes the test and the lesson follows.
Thank you for your kind words. Loss has brought out the very best and worst of me. I am trying to use my “best” through my words.
You must let it go, as the bitterness only affects you and sours your life. get up this morning and start fresh.
Some mates do worse things than leaving dirty clothes on the floor. Would love to see a rewrite for the spouses of hoarders, drug addicts, and the perpetual unemployed.
These are all valid points of advice but I would hate to see them misused to keep someone in a poorly functioning or abusive relationship. “Say yes more often than you say no” only works if your partner isn’t asking you to do things that violate you as a person. “See things from their point of view” only works if their point of view is respectful of other peoples’ boundaries. “Accept and love your partner’s family and friends” only works if they are people worthy of respect, not if they’re turning a blind eye to abuse or actively encouraging it.
I’m sorry for getting up on a soap box. Normally I love tinybuddha and its various authors. But I felt very strongly this needed addressing.
The last one is the most important thing I have to do. I constantly look to others to feel loved… I cling to people who see the best in me, and once I’m not talking to them (when they’re busy with work or spending time w family) I feel so empty. It’s like I have to have them around someway somehow to feel complete.. it’s terrible. It’s been an advice I’ve had trouble following..I have my good days but most of my days are just so negative where I beat myself up on the inside.
Cynthia, thank you for the post…. I agree whole heartedly and learned them before I became a young aged widower years back. For me it is especially timely and prompts a question if you don’t mind.
I’m curious if you share a common experience of mine. I still enjoy memories of my wife (always will because there are so many good ones) and at times they just pop up and I share them with folks just as you share any good memory with family and friends…to share the happiness. I believe that shared memories enrich our lives. Anyway, recently, I’d gotten comments from an important gal that I cared deeply for to the effect that “you’re not over her yet”. I’m certain that you are immediately thinking that I speak of her incessantly. I honestly believe that I do not. I would be concerned if my actions and decisions were being based off of what my wife would’ve thought but they aren’t. I believe that I have made it through the “5 Stages of Grief” successfully.
I don’t know why sharing memories of a deceased loved spouse makes regular people uncomfortable. I have heard this from other widows/widowers. Is it something you have encountered as well? How do you explain it to folks? I mean afterall, we are uncommon and most people have never encountered young age widows.
Good weekend!
Perfect!
Falcon,
I can not speak for others who have loved well and lost a spouse due to death, but for me, erasing the memories of my life with my husband, both good and bad, would be an impossibility. We were together for 2/3s of our lives. I don’t know how I could have a conversation with ANYONE without mentioning past memories of him and our time together.
I do understand how your special friend might be disconcerted by your memories. However, for me, I will never “get over” the love I had for my husband. It is for this very reason that I have chosen NOT to date yet. If/when I ever do decide to date, this will not change. I am the person I am today because of my life with my husband.
The only person who will not allow me to talk about my late husband is his mother. While I know that we all grieve differently, this has made maintaining a line of communication with her very difficult.
I wish you the best!
You are right, Sarah, and I appreciate you clarifying this for everyone.
Dear Cynthia,
thank you for writing about this. I am currently in the process of moving on from my 5-yr relationship.I have tried my best to do all of these things in the course of the relationship and have encouraged my ex-partner to do it as well. More than anything, the relationship failed because he felt that we were too young to be in such a committed relationship, and often got sidetracked. My fault was to assume that it was the partnership that could last a lifetime and we both were ready for it. We have grown to depend on each other heavily; he needs me, but he does not want me. My heart has not stopped aching because of this.
I am now trying really hard to keep my faith that I would find a partner who would continuously making the choice to love me, to want to be with me, and to commit to our love. I am struggling to fight the feeling of being unloved and unwanted, and I’m struggling to trust again. My only hope is not to be bitter in future because of my past experience. Thank you for reminding me to choose to love.
I was in a long-distance relationship. I visited my ex-boyfriend in August-September for a whole month. Things didn’t go well. As he dubbed it, “a disaster.” Your story of the couple arguing outside for everyone to hear reminds me of one night where we went walking down the street near his apartment. We got into a nasty argument, yelling at each other quite loudly. A few weeks later, after I had returned home, he said he went into the place he used to work and a lady asked him where he had been. She mentioned that she saw him that night out on the street. My ex was so embarrassed he said he quickly left. He wasn’t sure if she had just seen him or if she had heard us argue. But my guess is she did hear us. He was embarrassed because he didn’t want to be thought of as someone who treats women bad. Although, the reason for us arguing all the time has almost always been me.
I have had extreme jealousy issues and insecurities. (Because of his personality, he gets along with many people and has many female friends, whom I have always compared myself to and to which I would usually start an argument over.) For the longest time I pushed him away because I felt like I didn’t deserve him and he could do better. I thought I was better before I went to visit him this past August, but obviously I still wasn’t able to look past my fears at that time.
We are still talking to each other, but I am unclear how he feels about me anymore. Although, I am reading a book called ‘How to Love Your Marriage’ by Eve Hogan, and she points out that love doesn’t go away, it just becomes blocked. But I’m not sure if he would want to ever be together again. I treated him terribly for a long time.
The ironic thing is, my fear of losing him to someone else, I really questioned myself last night and asked, “if he did cheat on me or leave me, would I stop loving him?” Of course, the answer is no. I have always believed he would never cheat on me (but feared he would break up and leave me) and now it turns out I would still love him despite that. Before, I couldn’t look past the pain I would feel if this occurred.
Saying that love is a choice is so correct. I took out all my insecurities on him and was too concerned about my fears becoming true than showing him how much I loved him. I am learning to love myself more each day and I hope we have a chance to be together again, but I am thankful for the time we did have together at least.
I know that my responses or reactions to the circumstances were not about the circumstances themselves. (Him having female friends was not a problem. How I reacted to them was). And I know that my negative reactions were based on my low self-esteem/self-worth. I know he has always been loyal to me. I was just doing everything I could to sabotage our relationship because I didn’t think I deserved it. I am slowly turning things around. Thank you for this article and your reminder that arguments are so silly when at any point in time, our loved ones could be taken away from us.
This is reallllly great! thank youuu
Hey, this article is so perfect… You have expressed all the pain I have for a failed relationship in just few words! Brilliant! I also now know why it was not meant to be with my ex! 🙂 I am happy that it is over… Constant insults & abusive comments were core of that relationship…
And now, I am ready to move on… I cant Thank you enough to guide me through with these tips to handle new relationship. 🙂
Amazing! Everything you said was true and I wish your loved one was still around to be loved by you.
Thank you.
I think it is very important in the relationship to never forget why they fell in love. In my situation right now, it seems like dreams, plans, promises were forgotten. People change though based on the circumstances. True he has a choice to continue to love me despite of having personal problems and i dont think it is fair that the relationship is getting affected. I need advice like others who are going thru pain and this site is so helpful.
I believe in this:
“Love is a choice, not a feeling or an emotion. It’s a decision you make every day of your life. Even when your mate doesn’t take out the trash, or spends too much time at the mall, or when your new haircut or outfit goes unnoticed, or when poor financial decisions set you back—you can still decide to love.Love is for better or worse. And when you choose not to love, you’ve given up and given in.”
I always thought that as long as you loved someone you didn’t need to work on a relationship it should just come naturally but as I got older and more experienced I realised relationships are like anything in life it requires work. But, just because you have to work at your relationship it doesn’t need to be difficult. So when either of you feel like your relationship has become a chore and you are at each others throats do yourselves both a favor and let the other go as not to hurt each other more.
Unconditional love should exist only from parent to child. Of course everyone makes mistakes, messes up the house, or has one too many drinks at a party. But on a regular basis, in an adult relationship, both partners should be able to give & take, and BOTH should go the extra mile for their spouse. No one should be a martyr or put up with abuse.
actions do not replace love. love is first a response that comes from the heart. There is no thought process which means love is not a choice, since a choice has to have a thought process.
love is first then the action of it is after. Without love there would be no action. You can work on getting along with each other but that to me is separate from the real emotional connection. You can also say there is an action side of love but don’t say its not an emotion or feeling. I just don’t agree with that.
yeah, i guess i should just gloss over being punched in the face, after all that’s just a little thing right? i guess having her reach over grabbing the steering wheel of the car and swerving into oncoming traffic to cause an accident …that too is just a little thing…are you kidding me? i guess you are assuming you aren’t dealing with a psychopath! you bet i got away…i had to run away…literally! and this is from a woman i loved.i gave up everything for this woman, house, job…everything familiar to me…just to show her that i love her.. i now live 700 miles and alone from this witch. i don’t ever want contact from her again…be careful to define your terms when you say these things…..all things remaining equal and you are dealing with an otherwise mentally stable person, yes…what you say is true…but don’t blanket your statements…..it will be years before i heal from all this mess. if i ever do. which is shameful because i love intimacy and sharing..i feel so closed off and alienated… and its self imposed alienation . this makes it very hard to trust anyone again. can i say that i was perfect? absolutely not. no one is…but also no one deserves mental and physical abuse either….i wasn’t brought up that way and i wont tolerate it from anyone…for the 1% that this advice works for, i envy you . my parents were married for 52 years before both of them died…they died still in love with each other…i know what love looks like. seems i live in the wrong world to find it.
i just wish that someone could write something practical for the real world …that could make me feel like i belong to the human race again…this sucks
i just want say a big thanks to agumaguspelltemple@gmail.com for bringing back my Ex.
Hello I am Kate Moore ,I am out here to spreed this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex love back.I was going crazy when my love left me for another girl last month, But when i meet a friend that introduce me to Prophet John Yi Yi the great messenger to the oracle that he serve,I narrated my problem to Prophet Osula Ogwa about how my ex love left me and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,In the next 2 days,My love called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me before now and also in the next one week after my love called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in my desired company were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact Prophet John Yi Yi at the following email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on: johnyiyi@rocketmail.com. and get your problems solve like me….. ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: johnyiyi@rocketmail.com
Dear TazChick, I just read your comment and felt a sense of connectedness as I’m going through similar emotions. I’d be very happy if you would like to connect and exchange thoughts. Please respond to my post and I will get in touch. Cheers 🙂
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me and my boyfriend are currently mad at each other over something really stupid. after reading this im about to call and apologize and tell him how much i love and appreciate him. this article is really inspiring. thanks.
I was crushed when my lover of three years left to be with another woman. I cried and sobbed every day, until it got so bad that I reached out to the Internet for help. I threw away so much money – all for nothing – until I hit on the real thing. And that is you, Dr. Lametu. You were different from all the rest – you are the diamond in the rough. Thank you from the depths of my soul! I am extremely happy now. I hope God blesses you as much as He has blessed me. Meet him for real help via Ancientspiritualtemple@gmail.com
My name is Flavour and I’m from the United States.I’m writing this testimony to tell anyone who needs help No matter if it’s help for love, money or anything else there’s only one place to go to get this help there’s nothing to big they can help you with whatever your problem is. I had contacted them to get some help the oracle was very understanding in my situation and my problem the oracle told me everything I had to do to get this help and what was required of me, the oracle was always there to answer any question I had and was always quick in responding to my questions or any problem I had. They will be there for you every step of the way and will be by your side for as long as you need them. The oracle will solve any of your problems and get you the out come you deserve and want. If you want your lover back or you need help with any other situation all you have to do is contact this email address and ask for help.They are caring and understanding and will help you every step of the way.I never believed in magic or that there was anyone who could help until I contacted this email Lovethlovespell@gmail.com.if u need help this is the email to contact. Thank you so much Lovethlovespell@gmail.com.
Dear Cynthia
I’ve been following “Tiny Buddha” for a looong time now, but your article has prompted me to post for the first time. I have said yes to so many of the important points you mentioned. But just yesterday, I have broken up with the biggest love of my young life BECAUSE: We did not have the same outlook on life (he never EVER wants to get married, kids aren’t important to him), he never wanted to hold hands, he never told me that he liked me, PDA was out of the question and no matter how much we communicated, there were only very little compromises from him, most happened on my part. He also never made any decisions (part of his character, as he told me) or initiated anything. Talking about the future was met with evasive and uncomfortable behaviour from him, which got more and more frustrating and hurt me. I do not wish to make him sound terrible, because I love him for his gentle and kind heart, his patience, his creativity, his generousness and his tender ways in bed (sorry if TMI). He and I click(ed) so well on an intellectual level (we laughed and discussed a LOT) and had a lot of similar interests, our chemistry was unbelievable as well. But despite all that, his emotional unresponsiveness just started to drain me after a while.
Our relationship just wasn’t going anywhere and after having had my rose-tinted glasses off for about 7 months, I realized that this was not going to change. I also didn’t want to be the one to make all the decisions by myself for the rest of my life, which would have happened if I stayed with him (his words, my experience). He said that he never had a long lasting relationship and that he is quite emotionally immature for his age (he is 13 years my senior, he turned 36 this year). But I never wanted to change him, since he absolutely IS a wonderful person, he just needs someone who understands his minimalistic way of communicating affection and love and is happy with it.
Since I didn’t want to ever change him, I realized that this was as far as I could go and that I didn’t have the energy to invest, hope and love this intensely anymore. If I hadn’t broken it off now, my reaction to the relationship failing could’ve been devastating at a later time.
Of course I now feel intese sadness, regret and disappointment, too. But I’m also glad that we realized soon enough that we weren’t meant to be, because now we are both free to find our true love, our soulmate (even though I thought for the longest time that it was him). I for my part, and I know he feels the same, just wish him the very best and hope for him to meet someone who loves him the way I did and then some. Of course, I still dearly love him too, but I always will anyway. I can love someone without having to be with them, and he deserves all the love he can get.
Sorry for making this this long. At first, I just wanted to say that a relationship can fail even without having any fights whatsoever, but my heart just opened up and wanted to share. My first post on this wonderful website being such a downer, how typical ;)…
love til it hurts no more
This made so much sense. Thankyou.
I want to use this opportunity to thank Dr. Olokum for helping me get my lover back after he left me few months ago. I have sent friends and my brothers to beg him for me but he refused that it is all over between both of us but when I met this Dr. Olokum he told me to relaxed that every thing will be fine and really after just a week I got my man back. so thank you so much Olokum. here is the email and phone number of Dr. Olokum LAVEDERLOVESPELL@gmail.com
I want to use this opportunity to thank Dr. Olokum for helping me get my lover back after he left me few months ago. I have sent friends and my brothers to beg him for me but he refused that it is all over between both of us but when I met this Dr. Olokum he told me to relaxed that every thing will be fine and really after just a week I got my man back. so thank you so much Olokum. here is the email and phone number of Dr. Olokum LAVEDERLOVESPELL@gmail.com
Hello i am Melony from Sweden,I am out here to spreed this good news to the entire world on how i got my ex lover back.I was going crazy when my love left me for another man,l in a couple of months ago,But when i meet a friend that introduce me to Dr IRABOR the great spell-caster,I narrated my problem to Dr IRABOR about how my ex love left me and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,In the next 2 days,My love called me on the phone and was apologizing for living me before now and also in the next one week after my love called me to plead for forgiveness,I was called for interview in my desired company were i apply for to work as a manager,I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact Dr IRABOR at the following email address and get all your problems solved..No problem is too big for him to solve.Email him on:iraborspelltemple@gmail.com,and all your problems will be solved and you will be glad at last.