“‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” ~Alfred Lord Tennyson
I met a special someone. It was my first taste of love and I was sheepishly drunk with it. His were eyes I could look into forever, and he had a voice I could hear till the end of time. It was absolutely frightening.
We were colleagues. I unwittingly got involved in his life and eventually found myself wanting to get even more involved.
After a period of ambiguous yes-no-maybes, he exited the picture for good. He never wanted to talk about it, or wanted anything to do with me again.
I was distraught, destroyed. Shot.
“Move on.”
There was a cacophony of voices, concerned friends, self-help books, parental wisdom all cooing, screaming, demanding me to let it go, let him go, move on.
They were all voices echoing the same rational advice. It’s only logical to disconnect, eject, and proceed. Move on.
I couldn’t.
Not a day went by without me cross-examining myself for faults, things I should or shouldn’t have done, things I could do to fix it.
Self-help books and long runs with blaring earphones only gave a brief respite. Reason left me as soon I put the books down. My mind wandered back to the hurts when I stopped running, breathless and ever-desperate.
“Move on!!”
Why linger? It was a horrid state to be in. I really wanted to snap out of that self-absorbed paralysis, but something kept me there.
After six months of marinating in the much celebrated soup of love, loss, and lament, I finally fumbled out of it.
There was no under-the-Bodhi-Tree momentous revelation, but rather a gradual learning and realization, almost anti-climatic, after all the drama.
No one is spared from metaphorical bullets, but no one has to stay hurt. I’ve experienced a generous slice of pain and tasted a ludicrous sentiment:
Forgiveness.
It’s ludicrous, in the sense that amidst the injustice and hurt, the idea of forgiving seems to border on divine martyrdom. But what I’ve experienced and discovered wasn’t a saintly sacrifice.
It was something I arrived at, a lucky tumble into the clearing. It was a long fumble in the dark. And what I’ve learned is:
Don’t run.
I literally ran miles to get my mind off him—physically moved away from him at work, tried to write him off as I thought he did to me.
But whenever there is a quiet moment, his face comes back with a vengeance. There is no “clear history” button; there is no shutting emotion out.
We cannot process feelings mechanically, surgically remove “bad parts” from our being. If that were even remotely possible, the world would be devoid of sappy love songs and affluent shrinks.
Yogis mediate their reflexive response to emotions. They don’t put a plug in emotion—they “sit with it.”
I didn’t meditate ceremoniously; I was probably face-deep in a hearty slice of cake. But at some point, I was finally able to quiet down and face the issue, crumbs and all.
The most ironic thing was that not only was I running away from the problem, I was also running in circles.
I was pointlessly replaying events in my head, ceaseless analyzing, obsessively scrutinizing my actions, and wallowing in sappy country music and dessert.
Not only does nothing get solved, nothing else gets done either. I was able to ask myself, and listen for the first time, the first most important question: What am I doing?
Life is not cruel when it does not wait. Life always goes on, whether we are in the mood to join it or not.
I had to ask myself: What is it that I want?
I wanted talk about it with him. I wanted him to tell me, face to face, what went wrong. I wanted closure. I wanted my pain to be acknowledged.
Because I couldn’t get the confrontational closure and couldn’t get him to acknowledge my hurting, I locked myself in limbo.
When a valued relationship ends, it’s natural to lament, but it’s easy to become morbidly self-indulgent, stewing in the predicament.
Like having blinkers on, I’ve excluded everything else, even the fact that other people hurt, forgetting that my pain is but one in many.
Everybody hurts. Even him.
It never occurred to me that he may be having a difficult time, as well. I demanded an answer. I demanded an explanation. He wasn’t ready to give one, and didn’t.
I was desperate, became obsessed, and he withdrew entirely. Of course, he could have handled it in so many alternative ways than silent disengagement. But blaming is not the point.
When I stopped feeling bad for myself, I was able to see the effects of my actions on his side and consider his perspective, empathizing with his difficulties.
Trace the blame if you will, but the meeting of two individuals and their eventual parting isn’t the fault of one.
So bent on confronting him, I deprived myself of closure in any other ways than the way I’d envisioned. He didn’t force me to be in pain. I did.
We are all one in pain—we act from pain and make mistakes from pain, and we all deserve forgiveness and kindness.
I realize that he only did what he thought was best at that moment. He didn’t make the best choice of action, but neither did I. I reacted in the only way I could then.
When I saw him at work again, for the first time in a long while I didn’t flinch inside. I didn’t feel angry at myself or him anymore.
I saw that he was still that charming individual that I first loved. Even though it was six months ago, and now that our parts in each other’s life are over, I genuinely wished him the best.
Without knowing it, I’d forgiven him and myself.
I guess I’d moved on.
It wrenches on the heart when things change, because whether it’s the love of a friend or lover, we offer ourselves with every coffee shared, every lingering gaze held.
We can’t take back what we offered. But maybe the point is learning not to want to, because those moments were beautiful.
Be brave. Be strong in loving and forgiving. Remember what you loved in that person who hurt you. Remember that everybody hurts. And know for a fact you are stronger, wiser, and more compassionate from your experiences.
Photo by jinterwas
About Hong Rui
Hong Rui is an aspiring illustrator who believes every breath can carry garlicky remnants of lunch and scrummy wafts of compassion. This article was written in inspiration by a song "The Marching Line" by Vanessa Carlton.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
[…] Lost Love: What It Means to Move On | Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes … It's never easy to move on. Be brave. Be strong in loving & forgiving. And know for a fact you are stronger, wiser, and more compassionate from your experiences. […]
[…] you to read everything on the next page before it's too late… How to Get you Ex Girlfriend BackIt’s difficult to win back your lost love. Especially when she already moved on, or perh…ng things about that someone, and finally- adoring that […]
[…] This post is awesome! it says what i am EXACTLY feeling about a much valued relationship gone bad. […]
This article arrived just in time. I have been in a strange emotional relationship with someone for almost 6 years now. All the while it hurt and I went back for more, and kept blaming him for acting the way he did or not thinking about how it would affect me. After all the heartache and pain of so many years and promises made to myself to move on, this weekend when I spoke to him, he said something that he never did in all these years ‘ What you don’t realise is whenever I talk to you, see you, it f”ks with my head too.’
After I put the phone the realisation hit me in my gut, I was selfishly thinking about how I am feeling and hurting and blaming him for everything all this time, but never did I pause to think it is hurting him too. He has his reasons for the decisions he made, and as you said that is his choice. As was it my choice to keep going back.
I thought he was the one not letting me go, but all the while it was me who was holding onto him and not letting him go….
I am not sure what’s next, perhaps this is the beginning of moving on.
Thanks for sharing your story.
I’m going through the same situation as you did and your article has helped. I feel I am almost at the end of the tunnel. There is some lingering resentment but its usually when I wallow in my thoughts and I’m trying my best to rationalize and talk myself down. Tired of these feelings intervening in my life.
Thanks for the post 🙂
I know every situation is different, but the answer always seems to be the same. When we stop saying I want, self pity becomes the courage to put others before ourselves, and all is right with the Universe. I imagine the realization that it’s not necessary to be courageous in order to be selfless, to be liberating.
Oh.. this made me cry, your post is a healing for me… thank you so much!
Great post! I was at that place for a long time, just going over everything in my head and finally I just had to look at myself in the mirror and accept it. I avoided him at every chance I could get, which was easy we were states apart, but recently we came face to face at his sister’s wedding where I was a bridesmaid (weird I know but she is one of my best friends). In a glance from him I got that closure that I needed; we didn’t talk that much, but it was okay. We are both in such different places, I’m married, he has a child, but we were okay with it all. The hurt I think will always be there, my heart will always be a little scar, but I’m okay with it; our relationship molded me into who I am today. It is true what you wrote that life does move on even if you want to stay in place. He did send me a text after the wedding and said that his sister was so happy to see that spark back in my eyes and he was so nervous to see me, but glad that we got the chance to see each other again. I never saw him as the one being hurt because he ended the relationship, but seeing him I knew that it pained him to end it and it was something that needed to be done.
This was absolutely beautiful Hong. Well done.
This was beautifully written. It amazes me that other feel emotion as strongly as I do! For awhile, I thought something was wrong with me. ::laugh::
Thank you for writing this. I’m a man and trying to work through some restlessness, too. It is getting better, but there is a ways to go.
I just lost a good friend that way, she just withdrew without a word of explanation. All your tips are great for coming to terms with the loss. I am one of those people that tend to blame themselves for everything.
Thank you. I really find many of the postings on the Tiny Buddha to be immensely helpful. I am currently running in circles myself. I’m in love with a man who honestly, doesn’t want to be in love with me. I’m complicated. I’m still of child-bearing age and not ready (or wanting) to give up on the idea of motherhood…. he’s already had his children and is not interested in repeating that stage of his life. Its strange how I keep focusing on my own needs and desires. There is no “right” way to move on (or to end things)…but living in this holding pattern is toxic. It is a choice….do I choose this toxic state or do I make a decisive action that will hurt at first…but in the long run be more healthy (for all parties)?! hmmmm
Probably the BEST article I have read and just at the most divine moment. Thank you. Truely.
A wonderful, thoughtful, logical post. I am a smart, realistic person, but love can make fools of us. And the pain hangs on. All the advise & wisdom is good, just easier said than done. But like you said, in time we all must move on. Thank you. <3
I’ve been going through the exact same thing all summer. He broke with me and I was stuck a first real taste at love for me and I felt it had been ripped out from under me with no real explanation. Like the author I felt I needed closure and not having it left me paralyzed. Its finally now, that even though things still hurt, i’m longer denying myself the pain and I can accept it. Its like you have to completely push through your pain until you find that little bit of strength you thought you lost and from there you’ll find your own closure. Its different for everybody but coming to certain realizations will help. For me, it was always leading myself to a false sense of hope everytime he messaged me or I would see him. I found freedom when I stopped doing this. Its also wrong to deny yourself the heartache and the emotions associated with it. The more you deny, the more out of control you will feel. Because the pain always comes back and worse. You have to ride it and keep pushing. Maybe one day I’ll be able to speak to him about what really happened. But if I dont I’m still ok with it, which I didn’t think I would ever be. When you create closure for yourself you find yourself again. You’re a stronger and a better person because of it and the liberation feels amazing. Thank you for writing this! Its spot on!
A similar sentiment is what led me to write a recent post on my blog called Losing and Finding your Peeps. So many people in my life have affected me deeply and disappeared just as quickly. It’s always a loss, and I never get over it, they’re always inside, somewhere, even years and years later. And that’s ok. I do think that acceptance is key. Fighting the emotion makes it worse. Thanks for your post. http://thestifledartist.com/2011/09/29/losing-and-finding-your-peeps/
I learned two really big ahas from my last breakup. Two lessons that have impacted a lot of areas of my life in a very positive way:
1. Love is real even if it doesn’t last.
2. When a relationship comes to an end, always be completely honest with yourself about what you’ve actually lost.
After a break up, while you’re replaying all of the things that were so wonderful about your relationship (the things that worked), you must also be willing to take a good honest and loving look at the things in the relationship that didn’t work.
What excuses had you been making for him/her when they weren’t showing up fully in the relationship? What behaviors had you been ignoring? What needs did you have that weren’t being met? Where were you settling? Are you conveniently forgetting the emotional roller coaster you were on for the last X months of the relationship? What worked and what didn’t?
Admitting what didn’t work can never negate the things that did work. The parts of the relationship that were beautiful and loving will always remain beautiful and loving. Love is real even if it doesn’t last, and nothing can change that.
Wow. I’ve been in this exact situation. Thank you for sharing this.
^^ Yes! What an outstanding comment – it is like you have described exactly what my mind has been silently coming to terms with and just needed to be shown…
This is so beautifully put! Like many of the other people who commented, I can absolutely relate to the pain of wanting to let go but also not wanting to let go. I also wondered for month and months (years, actually) why I couldn’t just stop loving this man and move on. I even wrote about it on Tiny Buddha! And, like you, I stumbled out of it somehow, but only after immense pain that I sometimes thought might kill me. Over the last two months, I’ve run into this man twice because we share a community of friends. And after all of that wrenching pain, I was able to hug him, genuinely wish him well, and hear his apology. I’m not totally over it yet, I still haven’t totally forgiven, but I’m on the road there. More importantly, I’m not obsessed by him or what he needs anymore. I’m much more careful of my heart now, but I’m still willing to open it, which I consider a triumph. I’m happy to hear that I’m not the only one who’s been in that place, nor the only one to move on from it. And I’m happy that you’ve been able to get to a better place, too! I know that kind of pain intimately. Thank you for your wonderful article!
I’m glad to be able to call the writer one of my few closest buddies. Beautifully written and the article is applicable to the experience of losing a good friend as well, something I had faced not too long ago.
My heart goes out to you…I have been where you were, and where you have come through. What I learned, was more about myself, and the acceptance that I could not somebody else feel, do or say what I wanted.
It takes practice to learn to let go of pain without allowing it to overrun your life. I applaud you and your experience.
xoxo
Me too. I read it three times. Made me cry and added some healing too me.
I was in the same ezact story–except we didnt work together. We were in different states.
my god this post just shook me to my core. It may have been that last gentle push I needed to really bring into focus what had consumed me for the past 3 years…actually if I’m really honest-probably the last 17 years. The exact same thing happened to me in terms of how it ended…l just wanted to be heard, to talk about my pain, maybe even his pain. I wanted to be seen and acknowledged and instead he silently disappeared…and it happened more than once so each time the silent treatment ensued, my initial wound was re-opened and got deeper and deeper. The deeper the wound, the harder it was to heal.
and yes…obsessing, analyzing, re-mapping, feeling guilty, remorse. Yes love can make the most sound reasonable person a crazed nut-case! I needed to forgive him for any pain I felt he caused me, but moreover I needed to forgive myself, because truthfully I dragged him back into my life most of the time. Yes-I too, deprived myself of any other closure other than what I fantasized. [
I will love again; stronger, braver…oh yes I will.
The author is one of the most emotionally generous people I have ever met,
and I’m proud to be his friend.
Thank you all for your kind comments, I’m really glad this little story helped 🙂 It was certainly gut wrenching, but it shaped who I am now and I wouldn’t have it any other way.(honestly! :D) Life and loving is a learning in progress, a huge thank you to Tiny Buddha, Lori for making this place of sharing and learning possible.
I have only two words : Thank you !
This article is very insightful. My husband told me 4 months ago that he has fallen out of love with me and said he wanted to break up and get divorced. I’m still going through the healing process and trying my best to move forward. The healing process is with me right now. When my husbands feelings get brought up in my group or I read something that has to do with what “he” is feeling, I become upset and an overwhelming feeling of anger comes upon me. I think it is mostly because this decision was his choice and not mine. I’ve been letting go of the anger through yoga and meditation. One day I will forgive him, become more compassionate, stronger and wiser. While I cannot think of falling in love again, this article gives me hope that some day that time will come again.
I’m proud to have the author as one of my closest friend I’d ever have. His story taught me a lesson on bravery… courage and mostly, on how to love without any reservations. He’s really the kindest man I’ve ever known.
I really liked this piece and I think the topic is something nearly everyone has experience with… moving on is one of the toughest things to try to do in life. One part in particular that stood out to me is this:
“And know for a fact you are stronger, wiser, and more compassionate from your experiences.”
I think it’s important to note that compassion and wisdom don’t automatically come from tough experiences like losing a loved one. Going through something that heart-wrenching can easily result in closed-mindedness and bitterness. It’s up to us to make the conscious choice to “soften” and be more compassionate after we’ve survived something so awful. Many people do not choose to take that path and instead harden themselves to supposedly protect themselves from future harm. It takes a lot of strength for someone to survive a loss and not let it colour their lives in a negative way. For me personally, choosing to stay “soft” and open after tough experiences has made all the difference in the world. It takes constant work, though, even through less difficult times.
I forgot to mention that I loved that you were inspired by Vanessa Carlton’s song when you wrote this piece! I have been obsessed with her new album ever since the day it came out!
” Remember that everybody hurts ” …….. is absolutely false !. I married what I believe is a no consceince, sociopath. They are charming and act emotions very well but they dont feel them. They don’t hurt but they hurt and use others with abandon. They are hollow and cold inside, I felt it when it showed it’s real self. Beware, Evil people do exist !
” the meeting of two individuals and their eventual parting isn’t the fault of one. ” That is rubbish too !
I takes two people for there to be relationship. If one person leave, the relationship ends, not because the remaining person did anything. The person just left for entirely their own reasons.
Yea! Loss hurts and that’s okay. We just have to make sure the level of hurt we create around it honestly reflects the level of loss. And that requires that we look at all parts of the relationship (or whatever the loss is.) What is was, yes, but as importantly, what it was not.
Big hugs to you and here’s to letting go of hurt and moving into freedom to fully reclaiming life and love!
Thank you!
“Admitting what didn’t work can never negate the things that did work. The parts of the relationship that were beautiful and loving will always remain beautiful and loving. Love is real even if it doesn’t last, and nothing can change that.”
this- this is the key! i’ve had to talk myself out of a bad spot these past few weeks. i recently fell in love with a person who loves me back, equally, in a way i never knew existed. neither of us are in a position that makes being in a relationship easy right now. i’m well aware that although we are in love, that doesn’t necessarily mean we’re going to be together forever and that everything will work out all disney. instead of worrying about this, i’ve had to teach myself to appreciate what i have right now, which is infinitely more than i ever thought possible. and if it doesn’t work, that doesn’t diminish the feelings i am experiencing right now, and if i so choose, they can continue to be as positive and profound and meaningfully real in the future (whatever may happen) as they are in this present moment.
people change, and emotions change, but history does not, and we are, every day, history in the making. and even if i do end up with my happy ending, the nature of our love will inevitably change, but i will still always have the feeling of ‘right now’, because it happened to me, and is now a part of who i am.
a tree may fall, but that does not mean it never existed. the memory of climbing its branches, or sleeping in its shade, or eating of its fruit are just as real as they were when the tree was still standing. the fact that we can partake in those gifts no more does not take away the gifts we were already given.
Hey Emily,
I’m so glad my words helped you gain such clarity about your current situation. It sounds like you have a happy and bright future ahead of you whatever life brings your way!
Have an amazing weekend!
Shannon
This couldn’t come at a better time.
After a long friendship but a very brief but intense relationship, he had to break things off with me because of terrible family matters. I jumped to conclusions and assumed he was blatantly rejecting me.
He hurt me, and like a wounded animal, I hurt him too.
It’s been two months, and we are both trying to remain friends but every time I see him it tears open my heart a little more. Every comment, every joke and every look seems like an invitation to try again. I can’t tell if it’s my perception making it so, or if this is reality. It’s starting to take a toll on me, and I finally have realized that it would be better to distance myself.
I’ve come to realize that he’s not incredible, or super-human, or really great looking. But for that short period he was mine and I was his. We shared moments that still haunt me now, and he’s the worst poltergeist in my life.
Thank you for your article, it’s a comfort to know that out of the billions of people in the world, I’m not the only one grappling with these feelings.
I love this. What I need.
i had that someone too. took me 7 years to really move on, even though i’ve had other significant others afterwards…. sometimes, we just need to forgive ourselves…
You seem to find words for a situatiion that has caused me to lose them. Thank you for that.
This is so unbelievably relevant to me right now. It’s been months since our relationship took a turn for the worse but the pain is so deep that it feels like it will never end. Every time I think I’m past it, that I’ve accepted what needed to happen and that moving on is the best option for everyone, I’m sucked back in by the memories and the sadness that it’s all over. I’ve lost someone I thought was my best friend. The worst part is feeling like I’m the only one missing what we had because after pouring my heart out and reaching out to talk several times after our last breaking point, I’m now being ignored. My brain constantly screams things like: “It never meant that much to him” and “You are easy to forget, not even worth missing”. Reading this article and the comments associated with it definitely help, though – thank you so much.
Im new here, actually stumbled upon this site 5 minutes ago, looking for anything i could find to ease this horrible pain in my heart and soul. Thank you so much! I just stopped crying. Ive got a long hard road ahead of me, but this site stopped my tears ive been shedding in my bed for the last 30 minutes. This wont be the last time i cry, But i now know where to turn for words of encouragment and hope. Again, Thank you….. Karen
How do i become a member here?
I feel for you. Thanks for sharing. I can wholeheartedly empathise with you. Stay string. You should feel proud of yourself.
It’s been 19 years and I still struggle with that breakup. If I had been young maybe it would be different but I was 41 at the time, I felt like I should have known better. I remember her words and they still sting.
IMHO: Relationships *never* end. They just change form. The only way I’ve been able to accept the new form is to forgive myself *and* the other person unconditionally and completely — and set them free. By doing so, a new form is allowed to thrive, if only in my heart. This trans*form*ation, allows the heart to open up even more, allowing more love to flow to self and others (which is my reason for being here on this earth, in this body, at this place and time).
The healing of a broken heart is complex. I’m glad you found a way to heal your own — and by sharing your story, you help heal the hearts of others and humanity. Thank you. <3
I’m 4 months post-BU after an 8-year RL. The first few months were the hardest of my life, thought I’d actually need to go to hospital. But I’m starting to come round now, the anxiety is lifting, I’m eating again and I’m trying to look after number 1.
She strung me along “on a break” for 4 months before meeting someone else and dumping me for him. After 8 years. In that respect, I’m just not ready to forgive. She went about things all wrong, and broke my heart.
I’m scared this experience will leave me bitter. I don’t want to be, but she crushed me.
Ouch…. Have you not learnt anything from this thread?
I sincerely feel that this entry was constructed solely for me. What I’m going through at this exact moment. What I’m fighting, what I’m trying to embrace without suffocating. I wrote down many sentences from this post onto index cards. Since my experience is so new, so fresh and since closure is on the horizon but not yet in my posession, I need this reassurance. Recently I’ve realized that this burden of disappointment I feel towards him is also a disappointment towards myself, and I’m not taking care of myself the way I would a friend if they were in my same situation.
Thank you for sharing your words, it means a lot to know I’m not alone and that one day I will be able to see not just the deep set pain but what I can learn from it.