“When you judge another, you do not define them. You define yourself.” ~Wayne Dyer
I have a tendency to want to show off what I know, and in the worst cases, correct other people.
Instead of listening and connecting I unconsciously try to sell to others an image of myself that I wish to project. Some part of me believes that if people are impressed with me then they’ll like me and be interested in my knowledge and point of view.
In this way I fall into the trap of constructing the false self. This is the person I wish for others to see, a person without vulnerabilities, incorrect knowledge, or who makes mistakes. A thing that is more of a product than a person.
Many of us fashion these false selves not only as an idealized version of ourselves, but also to keep other people’s judgments of us at bay. Before we realize what has happened, we have made our skills and knowledge into weapons that we wield on others while all the while we hide our true selves behind a shield. Without planning to, we have declared war.
The constructed, false self is a one-way gate. Like a character in a stage play, the false self puts sights and sounds out to the audience while all the while it stands behind the fourth wall of separation from the observers. The audience sees the character, but the character doesn’t see the audience.
I have someone in my life who deals with a fairly severe mental illness. Through most of my life I have tried to help him by showing him what was “wrong” with his thinking and actions. I wanted to use my logic and knowledge to set his perceptions straight.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was mostly lecturing him. I did not listen and understand his point of view, but instead stayed behind my shield and wielded my weapons of logic at him. I thought I was being a good influence.
Constructive influence, though, flows through positive human connections. When we judge others we sever those connections and directly destroy our chances of influencing others with our best information and ideas.
But real, positive influence travels in both directions. Discovering wisdom works best as a collaboration formed through the conduit of relationships. There is give and take and neither person needs to be “the right one.”
When we give others space to make mistakes, to have different skills and expertise than our own, then we also give ourselves space for the same things. No one of us is an expert at everything, but when we come together we close the gaps into a working whole.
A few years ago, while preparing for a volunteer program, I took some training in listening. I learned that it’s more valuable to reflect back what people say, and to show understanding of them without judgment.
I learned that if I showed understanding of the other person’s feelings and thoughts, that alone would ease their burden and do worlds of good.
I learned that acceptance and understanding aren’t necessarily the same things as approval and agreement.
We needn’t be afraid that we are compromising our own views or knowledge when we simply choose to understand another’s. In fact, the openness of understanding can strengthen our own point of view.
We must receive what we wish to give and give what we wish to receive. If we want to be listened to, then we must listen to others. If we want to be valued for what we know, then we must value others for what they know.
And if we want to be forgiven and loved, then we must forgive and love others.
Lately I’ve been applying my new listening skills in conversations with my mentally ill loved one. I allow myself to relate to difficult things he experiences and have even tried to be brave enough to be honest when I see a bit of myself in him, when I see the same passions, fears, and mistakes.
The funny thing is that by backing off I’ve gained more of his trust. By not pretending to have all the answers for him, I’ve strengthened our bond.
Now I only give him my opinion if he asks for it. Sometimes this comes after a long spell of silence, when we are simply being together. And I’m honest enough to tell him when I don’t have a clue how to answer his question.
And you know, I’ve learned a whole lot from him, too.
Photo by pedrosimoes7
About David Munger
Dave Munger is a software user interface designer living and working in Chicago. In his spare time he screws things up and learns a lot from fixing them. It’s a hobby. He recently launched his own blog at inneryonder.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
David,
It was such an honest post! I just loved it! Thank u so much for sharing it. I, too, sometimes get caught up in the act of showing off my knowledge and what I know. And I notice, it doesn’t lead me to learn anything new. In fact, one of my desires-to really get to know the other person- isn’t fulfilled when I act like a know-it-all. It feels darn heavy to carry around this false sense of self.
The best lines for me, ‘We must receive what we wish to give and give what we wish to receive. If we want to be listened to, then we must listen to others. If we want to be valued for what we know, then we must value others for what they know. And if we want to be forgiven and loved, then we must forgive and love others.’
Also, I loved the ending to your story 🙂 That is how I aspire to be in all of my relationships.
All the best to u buddy!!
Keep rocking 😀
What a GREAT post. Spot on!!!! I’ll be coming back to this often as I write my memoirs. Be blessed.
Thanks David for sharing this! I have been struggling with this and after reading this I have a better appreciation of my own needs.
” No one of us is an expert at everything, but when we come together we close the gaps into a working whole. ” What a great line! A good reminder of how all partnerships work
This post was talking directly to me, thank you for writing this! I am one who has and continues to struggle with this, I appreciate you sharing your story, views, and advice very much!!! I love when you wrote…”We must receive what we wish to give and give what we wish to
receive. If we want to be listened to, then we must listen to others. If
we want to be valued for what we know, then we must value others for
what they know.” Very powerful! THANK YOU!!! 🙂
Like others have said here, I can totally relate to this post.
Becoming a good listener and being non-judgmental are two traits we should all focus on.
Thanks David 🙂
I think this was written with me in mind! What a wake-up call. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post. I’m printing it out and keeping it in view at all times!
Thanks for the important message ~ reminds me of the msnbc promo that says, “You can learn a lot more by listening than talking”!
Thanks everyone, for the kind words! It’s good to know I’m not alone in this struggle. I talk about a very similar issue in my latest blog post. Take a look if you’re interested! The blog address is in my bio above.
I commend your attitude towards your mentally ill friend! As someone who suffers from Bipolar Disorder I can definately say that lecturing never works, even if well-intended. It simply comes across as being insensitive. People who have true mental illness (as opposed to the ordinary experience of feeling “blue”) simply cannot jump up on the bandwagon of optimism overnight, and may never be able to do so completely. That is why compassion is called for in these instances. For many depressed people, to be told what they should be doing is just another burden and a reason to beat up on themselves for not being what they think they should be. My dad has been very helpful to me as far as listening. There was a time when I was pretty much completely alone except for him. The rest of the family decided to make my illness into a moral issue, which really hurt. Even though I have mostly recovered they still won’t forgive me. As far as you not knowing what to say, I think you are on the right track. You don’t have to say anything, because that is not why your friend needs you. I know many men have the idea that to be useful then they have to fix people’s problems. Women in general are bit different because they like to listen and share. I have heard that if a woman is just venting her emotions to her husband, quite often the husband will be frustrated and say “Well, why are you coming to me about this? I can’t do anything about it!” It is the same thing when someone is depressed or going through another problem, he/she isn’t always looking for an answer. Just a shoulder to cry on.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have my own issues with mood stability and depression and relate very much to what you say.
Oh my…for certain one of the most thought-provoking articles I’ve ever read…here or anywhere else. IV2terp…David was not talking directly to you, it was no doubt me he was speaking to!…Tracy Thurman Fountain, it was me he had in mind! And Tracy I’ll be printing it out and carrying it with me everywhere I go as well! I don’t know when I’ve had my eyes so widely opened…David, you will never know what you have done for me.
Peace to you…
Thank you! Such a challenging truth and so well written
Nice post David, Loved it, i realize that i have been living like this my whole life. But From now on i want to be a better listener and a more connected person. its really been an eye opener on what’s wrong with my current state of mind.
We must receive what we wish to give .. line blew me off 😉 its an awesome One !!
Looking forward to some more tips and honest articles from you.
Thanks !!
Thank you, David, for your honest and humble post. I am gratefully reminded of what I know but “forget I know” and that is to listen deeply – reflecting back what I hear the other person saying so that true understanding and communication can happen. For as much practice as I have done in “this work”, I keep messing up and reacting…or worse yet, giving advice! I appreciate your words and feel a sense of freshness as I look to this day and all the opportunity there will be to listen to others. And may I remember that pausing…allowing silence…is a nourishing and mindful choice to make…often. Thank you again, David.
Thank you so much for writing this! From the beginning I felt that I could totally relate but when you started talking about your friend with a mental illness I realized that I could have written this post, this is how similar my situation is. I took my friend for granted and became a “teacher” and wanted to “inspire” her to “take action” and really “deal” with her anxiety disorder. I always, always said that I totally relate to her experiences, my daily anxieties being very similar, just in a smaller scale. And then I was getting upset with her not doing anything with her anxiety. It got to the point at which I just stopped talking to her. I knew it was wrong and then I realized that the problem is not in her, it is in me. It was harder than ever to realize that. I tried to avoid the conversation with myself for over 3 weeks. Because I knew that I really love her and truly want best for her, I just didn’t know how to give it to her. And then I realized that the only thing I can truly give is not advice and not another lecture. It is LOVE and acceptance of her, with her anxiety and the way she deals with it. We made up, and now I feel so much better and hope to never get into that judgmental mode I was. We are humans and we can choose. I choose love. Thank you!
How do we get more people to understand this and act accordingly though? For example with people who most of the time seem to think their opinion is superior to your yours, or just don’t value or genuinely listen to your ideas because of any pre-judgements they may have of you? It’s definitely a very constructive concept, and it would be ideal, although hard to imagine that everyone in this world can be like this.
I generally agree with, though don’t always act in alignment with, many aspects of the wisdom contained in this article.
I find it nearly impossible not to judge others, but one of the valuable skills I’ve been working on over the last several years is more clearly differentiating between data, judgments, feelings and wants. As I become better able to identify my judgments, I become better able to make good decisions about whether or how to express those judgments.
The most challenging contexts in which I grapple with judgment management is parenting and teaching. While I strive to listen deeply to my children and my students, it seems that a part of both roles is to help people improve … and one way of helping people improve is by offering feedback on their actions and suggesting alternative actions that may serve them better. I try to focus any expression of judgment on the actions rather than the actors, but it seems to me that withholding all judgment in either role might be a disservice to those I most want to serve. Of course, I realize that this itself is a judgment.
You are right, there are those in our lives who do need (and want) that sort of help and there are good times to supply that sort of suggestion. The key, I believe, is to listen first.
As far as education goes, as you point out, you are assessing the actions, not rejecting the person over them. It’s a good way to think about it!
Wow…I’ve had this same experience with my mom who has the onset of Dementia along with other health challenges. I was a live-in caregiver for 8 years and looking back, I learned the greatest lessons of love, acceptance and conquering the need to be “right”. I experienced emotional healing I never thought possible during that time and my journey continues. Great post.