“Perhaps many things inside you have been transformed; perhaps somewhere, someplace deep inside your being, you have undergone important changes while you were sad.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke
When I was twelve years old, I figured out how to get out of things.
It was a rainy Saturday morning, and I was supposed to be getting ready for choir practice—an eight-hour rehearsal before a big concert. Eight hours! I began to obsess about how much time this was in my then-tiny life.
As though by my own will, a heavy sensation of dread and nausea arose. I wasn’t aware of it at the time, but my brain had said to my body, “Hey, if you feel sick, we can get out of this!”
Unfortunately for me, this would happen many more times, well into my adult life.
Commitment equaling nausea coupled with a terrible fear of vomiting. Concerts, sporting events, sleepovers at friends’ houses—any situation that might be awkward to get out of.
It wasn’t until I was sixteen that it started affecting school. Too paralyzed to turn up to the first day of year eleven, I was taken to the doctor. She said I was anxious. She prescribed Effexor, an antidepressant. I wasn’t depressed. I would end up taking one tablet every day for the next eight years.
At twenty-four, a friend made a comment: “I don’t think those tablets are actually treating what you think they’re treating. Maybe you would be fine without them.”
I realized then that I had been swallowing them purely out of habit. Maybe they had been my crutch—a morning ritual to keep the wolves at bay. By that time I wasn’t really experiencing too many of the attacks. I felt okay. I started to slowly wean myself off the medication while on a trip overseas.
The withdrawal symptoms were horrendous, but I came through—a bit dazed and spaced out but “clean” nonetheless.
I returned home. At first I was happy, comforted by the familiarity of my pets and family. But something was slightly off. I started having strange thoughts—negative and disarming.
Usually one might shrug such moods off, but they came with such conviction that I began to worry. I Googled: “Why don’t I want to do anything anymore?” and “Why do I feel detached?”
A month later I experienced what one might call a nervous breakdown. Lying in bed watching a film, something in me clicked: “Life is meaningless.”
A horrific wave of panic and racing thoughts ensued. My mind was trapped in cycles of anxious rumination and would go on like this for months, with little to no respite except in sleep.
Everything seemed bizarre and pointless and menacing. Worst of all, it felt as though, despite their best efforts, nobody could reach me.
Anxiety is not the nerves you feel before a performance. It is not the quickening heart upon realizing you left the stove on at home. Anyone who says, “Just relax!” to a person who is experiencing anxiety or depression should know this: they just cannot. Not yet anyway.
Both are fueled by worry. Not only about these new and disorienting sensations, but also about the thought “Will I be this way forever?”
I tried CBT, and it was a waste of time. Maybe I sought the wrong psychologist, but she seemed more concerned with the small clock on her table than my exasperated tears.
I was prescribed antidepressants again—but even through the hardest days, a tiny voice inside said, “No drugs. Just wait. Please.”
I found another psychologist, a Romanian man who was kind and spoke my language. I bought $300 worth of useless supplements. Trial and error.
Anxiety plays tricks. It tells you that everything you feel is serious. Depression paints everything in black and white. Together, they skew perceptions.
One day I became truly convinced I was developing schizophrenia. I Googled “disturbing thoughts.” This time I stumbled upon a website called Anxiety No More, created by a man named Paul David, an ex-sufferer himself.
It summed up every symptom I had—racing and disturbing thoughts, dizziness, panic, depressed feelings, detached feelings, plus a myriad of others. Paul had suffered anxiety and came through completely unscathed. The answer? No drugs and no expensive smoke cleansing rituals.
The answer was so beautiful and near unbelievable in its simplicity: Stop fighting it. Let it come.
This was the first breakthrough for me, and from then on I became determined to learn as much as I could about the human brain and why we experience anxiety and depression.
I learned that those born post-1940 are ten times more likely to experience depression. This indicated that in many cases, life events are to blame; the stress we endure, assuming we are unbreakable. You only need to watch someone trying to balance two iPhones, a laptop, and an iPad on one knee to see how we even overload ourselves.
I learned that anxiety is a slow-to-evolve trait leftover from our prehistoric ancestors (apparently our brains haven’t received the memo that the lions are no longer lurking behind bushes).
And depression? In many cases it is the brain saying, “I can only handle so much! Bye!” and feelings are seemingly switched off—a defense mechanism.
That is not to discredit cases of severe depression caused by other factors where medication is necessary, but knowing how easily and frequently antidepressants are prescribed, one has to ask, at what cost exactly?
Are we perhaps interfering with a natural defense process that might be best left to run its course, approached with patience instead of a ‘fighting’ attitude?
I had read all the books. I was meditating daily with soothing music and practicing breathing exercises.
I let the panicked feelings come and go, and surely enough, over time they lessened until I no longer anticipated them. Feelings came back. I could laugh. I felt battered and worn, but hopeful.
But still the dark thoughts would seep in, slowly swelling in my mind. Heavy as wet wool. Despite my best efforts, I was left in depression and wanted so terribly not to be.
Sure, thoughts came with less urgency, but they were still there, and I remained in a daze, as though I was swimming an inch away from reality.
I Googled. I was led to mindfulness.
Mindfulness—the final stepping stone of my path to healing.
It was intuition that led me to the practice of mindfulness. All along, medication and CBT felt wrong for me. Even chanting affirmations, burning lavender candles, and using distracting techniques seemed unproductive—as though I was telling my mind, “This is a thing that must be gotten rid of!”
It really is the equivalent to “Don’t think about pink elephants!” Of course we will. It is in our nature.
The great revelation came when I was listening to a podcast about mindfulness and secular Buddhism by a man named Peter Strong, a mindfulness expert and Skype counselor. His own experience with anxiety and depression as a young adult mirrored my own.
I organized a Skype session with Peter, excited to learn more about mindfulness and encouraged by what I had read.
I confessed to him that I saw breathing exercises as an attempt to distract. He said, “Yes. It’s a tool. Mindfulness is all in the subtleties.” Then he paused and told me, “Instead, when thoughts and feelings come, you simply say to them, ‘Hello. I see you. Welcome.’”
After almost two years of struggling with my mind, the battle was coming to an end. I let the thoughts in. I let them stay. I treated them as one might a small wounded bird. Compassionately.
As promised, the negative taboo enshrouding them dissolved. The rumination stopped. I finally felt free.
It is my genuine wish that no one suffer needlessly as I did and as so many others do. My story was one of trial and error, one that has taken almost two years.
I think if I had discovered mindfulness earlier, the road could have been a little shorter. Trust me when I say that I thought I would be trapped like that for the rest of my life. But I took the advice to sit it out, be patient, and not take everything my mind threw at me so seriously. It takes time. Relapses happen, but you do heal.
Accept the uncertainty, open up to those close to you, and try to allow commotion to coexist with who you are. And believe me when I say that despite how hopeless it may feel, you are still there—temporarily clouded, but there, waiting.
About Lucy Roleff
Lucy Roleff is a Musician, Poet and Illustrator living in Melbourne, Australia. She is an advocate for daily mindfulness and mindfulness-based meditation and hopes to one day teach others about its benefits. Lucy has released her first book “Somewhere; poems and illustrations from a place” inspired by her own healing from anxiety and depression. You can find her at lucyroleff.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I am so so happy you read At Last a Life by Paul David – it’s one of the most powerful tools out there to help people who suffer from anxiety. I read it over the summer (bits & pieces) and it really helped me, I hope that everything in your life is much better now and that you’ve made your own human revolution!
I am currently learning this myself through ACT therapy. Nothing else has worked on me so far and while I am a novice at mindfulness, there are moments where I experience greater healing than I’ve with other approaches. Thank you for this! I’m taking it as a sign I am on the right track.
I’m sure you are on the right track, Sheena. One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was to just keep at it. Once we get into the habit of anxious or depressive thinking, it can be hard to break those habits, so don’t feel disheartened if you don’t feel 100% straight away. Everyday it seems there is a new scientific article about the physical effects mindfulness meditation has on the brain – I found this really encouraging when I was starting out and not sure about it all 🙂
Thankyou! Finding At Last a Life was indeed a small miracle – i’m so glad I found Paul’s site really early on. Glad to hear it helped you too 🙂
Thankyou! Reading At Last a Life was indeed a small miracle. I’m so glad I found Paul’s site early on. Happy to hear it has helped you too 🙂
Lucy – thank you so much for sharing you story. I experience some pretty severe anxiety myself about a year ago. Fortunately, it only took about a month for me to try several unhelpful therapists and solutions until I stumbled upon mindfulness and correcting limiting beliefs. Truly life changing.
Thank you so much for spreading the word to more people – I honestly believe the mindfulness is the most loving, lasting solution to anxiety and enhancing life experiences in general!
I’m over 60 now and I have suffered from anxiety (2 types) and depression my entire life. Well, since I was 5 or 6 years old anyway. Diazepam works pretty well for the anxiety, and I’m on an old anti-depressant that helps, but mindfulness, when I can actually accomplish it, practically takes it all away. My problem is that mindfulness is very hard for me, probably due to the decades-old habits I’ve picked up – the automatic responses in my brain that are so deeply entrenched. I will continue working on mindfulness, and I hope to break away from the devastating effects of the anxiety. Thank you for this article and for the inspiration!
I find it amazing how effective mindfulness can be. I’ve struggled with a lifelong depression (To the point of being suicidal) since I was about 7ish and after I discovered mindfulness this summer my life has changed so much in such a short time. In addition to helping me fight depression it has also helped me change so many of my habits, such as: I’m so longer a slave to instant gratification, I exercise and go for walks/jogs regularly, my diet now consists of mostly veggies, I don’t mindlessly watch TV anymore, I’ve started reading books (Something my attention would never have been capable of before), etc. In short: life-changing. It’s really nice that it’s getting more attention now.
Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.
“…apparently our brains haven’t received the memo that the lions are no longer lurking behind bushes.”
Society is breeding legions of lions – in our institutions, traditions, members and elsewhere – that, though metaphorical, are very real dangers. The fact you can meditate away any sense of responsibility for addressing these births – “fitting in” as it were, despite all claims to being “authentic” – simply ensures mankind will soon be outnumbered by it’s self-created demons.
I also see that as God’s will. The only way this mess could ever be “fixed” is to tear it down and start over.
I so can’t wait to say: “I told you so.”
Beautiful! Thank you so much. I see hardly anything in the collective conversation’s general flow that’s not, “Do this to fix that.” “Not doing” is powerful, too. “Hello. I see you. Welcome.”
Thank you. That was beautiful. I felt like I was reading about my life. Mindfulness is my life now. I am really happy for you.
thanks for this, i too was on effexor for an extended period, (10 years) and when i came off them my experience mirrored yours in many ways. There is growing evidence that taking these type of drugs for extended periods actually causes various receptors in the brain to whither away and it can take a year or more for them to become as they were prior to when you started taking the drug! Much longer than the so called ‘discontinuation syndrome’ period. I think that is why it takes so long to recover, and why so many end up back on medication. Again, thanks for the post. it really is about letting things flow through and out of you, welcoming rather than resisting, cheers,, Josh
This story has resonated so much with me, its so so similar to my own experience. Mindfulness has been a feeling of finally coming home and finding solace, understanding of my own journey and learning to live my life so much more fully. I cannot put into words how much it has helped me.
I used to get physically ill from anxiety, for a couple of years when I first left home for college. My turning point came when I read ‘A New Earth’ by Eckhart Tolle. It’s an amazing book, and I highly recommend it to everyone, especially to those dealing with anxiety like this.
This gave me tears. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in these feelings. Especially this: “Everything seemed bizarre and pointless and menacing. Worst of
all it felt as though, despite their best efforts, nobody could reach
me.” I’m trying to not be a martyr about it and work through it, but this is exactly how I’ve been feeling off and on for the last year or two. My new mantra is ‘Let go let go let go…’ Thank you.
Thank you Lucy, I was in need of this article today. I had not realized how much I have been letting my anxiety control my life and my goals. After nearly succumbing to a near breakdown today after losing my final research paper, I decided this morning that taking my final exam this afternoon was simply pointless. What was the point, I wasn’t prepared, I had self sabotaged myself to a point past repair and decided firmly against even going, simply accepting a zero. I’m sitting here now having read this article having realized my greatest self sabotage in accepting defeat…which now I cannot change, only accept. So here I go picking up the pieces of my work and my scattered mind trying to remember to breathe and focus and continue to repair what I can. I’m still working through my cycle of self destruction but it is encouraging to hear of your self recovery and it gives me hope to make it through today.
Very brave of you to share your story, Lucy. Glad to hear you’re in a good place.
I’m embarking on the mindfulness journey through meditation. I’ve coupled it with Kava Root supplements and I’ve been feeling so much better. Trading the negative thoughts for thoughts of gratitude, forgiveness and awareness has been the key.
What a brave, wonderful essay. I commend you for sharing it with everyone. It truly resonates with me and my past. Thank you!
I tried meditation, going to an actual Buddhist run meditation group but I could not shut my mind off no matter how I tried. It just keeps going over and over everything in my life, lack of relationship issues, job issues and how I don’t know what to do in my life….I cant stop it. If meditation and listening to relaxation CDs and exercise does not work what next….I go for walks which help a little. I have had counselling and CBT and not a help and I have tried medication, again did not help…..I just want my mind to stop and to be normal again..
Hi. I think these two videos can help with this kind of frustration during meditation (they helped me)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-8aXvl1XXc&list=WLADE2C73F0F91D49C
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YLGJdbuWm4&list=WLADE2C73F0F91D49C
Hi Emma, I don’t know anyone that can just “shut off” their mind but, at least as I’ve experienced it, mindfulness isn’t about that. Mindfulness tells us its our very effort to always be relaxed when we’re actually uptight, to not think when we’re actually ruminating/obsessing, to always be trying to control and avoid our unwanted inner experiences that keeps us trapped in them. This makes us frustrated and feeling like we’ve failed. Its like having insomnia and trying harder and herder to get to sleep, gritting our teeth and tossing & turning- we usually just end up wide awake. Its a paradox but, as Lucy describes, we need to learn these counter-intuitive skills to break out of this cycle. Mindfulness asks us to stop fighting and trying to block these unwanted experiences in order to transform our relationship to them, to reduce their power over us. Perhaps you could look for a contemporary mindfulness course in your area? That’s what turned it around for me. Good luck Emma- you sound really normal to me 🙂
god this is beautiful. my life with anxiety began at age 3 with my first panic attack. now at age 28 they seem to have returned after a couple years of just anxiety, but no panic. i needed to read this just now. it was seriously lovely.
It almost felt as if this was written by a (hopefully) future me. I still have to learn a lot, but this article really helped me. Thank you very much for it! 🙂
Thanks Franziska. It certainly does feel like there is much to learn sometimes – and it sounds like you are on the right path. The minute you give in to the uncertainty of it all and trust (as best you can) that you will get better, the easier it becomes 🙂 Best of luck
Thank you! It is amazing how the brain hangs on to these old habits and they pop up every now and then. Even today I get little rushes of panic and what not, but I let them come in, do what they please, and they eventually get bored and leave me alone 🙂
Hi Emma. Trying to shut my mind off was how I first approached meditation too. Then i learnt about the subtleties of the practice and how this is actually another way of telling your brain that it needs to ‘sit down and shut up.’ The ultimate goal is to let all thoughts, no matter what they are, come in to your mind and not judge or try to cast them out. It takes practice but you WILL get there. I would highly recommend having a look through Anxiety No More.co.uk – Paul talks alot about how to approach thoughts that just won’t stop. Also the free meditations you can download from ‘Meditation Oasis’ I found to be excellent – her approach is exactly the style of mindfulness that I practice. Good luck
Wonderfully put! Of all the practices it seems that Mindfulness is the most complimentary with how the human brain works. Practices that try to control or ‘tame’ the mind often feel counter intuitive, though we at first assume they make the most sense – wanting so much to be rid of the ‘bad things.’ I love the analogy of trying to fall asleep – such a classic issue for sufferers
Thank you 🙂 x
Gratitude is certainly a powerful emotion! Glad to hear you are on the mend x
You will get there, Gabrielle. Remember to be gentle on yourself and take it step by step. Sometimes it feels like there is a literal mountain of things that need to be done, in our own minds and in our lives. I often felt just making a list of what I needed to do really helped me. Weeks later I would go back, read the list and realise what was a big deal and what really didn’t need all my stress energy. Anxiety held me back from pursuing some things for ages – and I hadn’t even realised. Realising is half the work! Many stay in that state their whole lives. Good luck x
It really is a huge part of the human condition to experience these things, Deanna. That sounds like a good mantra. There are some fantastic relaxing meditations you can download for free from “Meditation Oasis” with titles such as “let it be” and “letting go” which I must have listened to at least 100 times each 🙂
That is absolutely spot on about ‘finally coming home,’ Niamh. I remember hearing Sarah Silverman on a program, likening her feelings of depression to ‘being homesick’ and yet she was home.’ Getting well again is really like a returning, but with much less baggage 🙂
Beautifully put, Josh. It breaks my heart to think that people go through such terrible withdrawal from these medications. I know it’s sometimes necessary but in cases where it isn’t, it seems so unfair
Thank you so much for sharing this. In many of the cases I researched, it seemed those who struggled with depression from an early age were more likely to think their problem was purely neurological and perhaps discredit meditation practices. I’m so glad to hear you are doing so well.
Thank you for sharing your story, Tom. Those automatic responses sure do get themselves buried deep, don’t they? My ‘nausea’ response was with me for about 15 years and granted it took a bit longer to ‘fade away’ than more short-term symptoms, but reading about neuroplasticity gave me hope that any neural pathway can be changed – with practice of course. Good luck to you!
Thank you Meg. I’m so glad to hear you are on the right path 🙂
Four times of “Googling”. Is that all to get out of anxiety? 🙂 Just kidding… the article was really great and I enjoyed reading it.
thank you 🙂
Hehe. Thank goodness for the internet, I guess!
Thank you for your post! I love that I can trust this blog to not feel alone!! It’s really easy for me to get discouraged with anxiety but mindfulness is the single most helpful skill I’ve ever learned. It gave me the power back to respond to my negative thoughts and feelings instead of letting them take over. I recommend taking the official 8 week course Mindfulness based stress reduction (MBSR) developed by Jon kabat – zinn. It changes my life! Then I found a therapist who specializes in mindfulness and was trained in MBSR to support my path. This has really helped!
Thanks Katie! I would highly recommend that anyone struggling should seek a therapist or counsellor who is trained in mindfulness – often in the early stages one might feel disheartened or have alot of questions. It’s good to have someone to run it all past and help you through
Brave and courageous living is the result of living through what doesn’t work. I am only courageous after the fact. Pain has motivated me most of my life to seek the Truth. Today, I am motivated by the Truth even when the pain is powerful – it doesn’t hold the same power as in the past. Mindfulness is one of the tools I use to find peace and my place in Truth. Thank you for your honesty in sharing your journey.
I have become known in my group of friends as someone who ‘pikes’ at the last minute. Someone who can’t be relied upon to show up, and it has been the source of joking and semi-serious jibes at my expense. These things aren’t understood by many, and unfortunately to try to explain it to someone is too much for me. Thank you for the article, despite my present tears. it’s nice to know others suffer from this as well.
I didn’t mean it’s nice to know others suffer!! It’s just nice to not be alone.
Thank you soooo much for sharing your story Lucy. Like others I identify all too well with your experience, the irrational, disturbing fears, afraid you will never be yourself again. It is so comforting knowing you’re not alone. Your words of encouragement and conviction that this is something that can and will get better was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you thank you!
You most certainly are not alone. I too got in the habit of cancelling plans without realising I was being controlled by the anxiety. I hope there is someone you can speak with openly
This was exactly the blog post i needed today, thanks.
You’re very welcome Mikey. I truly was in the position where I simply couldn’t foresee a future where I didn’t feel awful and needed constant reminders from people who had recovered – but you just take as many tiny steps as you can and, as with most things, it is when you have stopped analysing how you feel that the symptoms quieten down and eventually make their exit
Thank you, Sage. Sounds like you have a good system going on 🙂