“Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” ~Lama Yeshe
Think back to the last time somebody apologized to you about something. Did you forgive them? There is a very good chance that you did.
Now think back to the last time you harmed someone else. Have you forgiven yourself? Probably not.
We all make mistakes. Oftentimes, through our actions, somebody gets hurt.
During this past year, I served as a liaison between my fraternity and a seventeen-year-old cancer patient in a local hospital through the Adopt-a-Family program. This patient, Josh Goldstein, passed away around the beginning of March.
My responsibility as liaison was to have a regular communication with Josh. I failed in this responsibility.
In the month after Josh died, I was overcome by shame. My belief that I was a fundamentally good person was shattered. How could I be so neglectful? Why did I not spend more time with him?
This feeling climaxed during “Family Hour” of Rutgers University Dance Marathon (a thirty-two-hour, student-run event that raised over $442,000 for families that have children with cancer and blood disorders). I was standing in the rafters, listening to a speech by the mother of one of the families that we had helped.
I couldn’t bear to hear her thank us for all the wonderful things she said we had done when I felt, deep down, that I was a bad person!
I literally could not touch my friends who had been standing next to me because I might have contaminated them with the disease that was my poor character.
This terrible feeling continued, and tears began to stream down my face. Flashing before my eyes, I saw all the opportunities I had to visit Josh in the hospital but had chosen not to.
Then my memory came to our fraternity meeting where Josh’s death had been announced. His last wish had been that we would not forget him after he passed. I pictured Josh saying this over and over again.
And then a strange thing happened: I realized that not only was I not going to forget Josh, but that I would never make the same mistake again.
In an instant, I had forgiven myself, letting go of the pain and accepting that I could still be a good person even if I made a serious mistake.
How to Forgive Yourself Right Now
1. Accept yourself and your flaws.
Know that despite your flaws, you are okay as you are. Your flaws, rather than making you “less” of a person, are what make you who you are. What you think of as a defect actually makes you far more interesting to others.
You are not perfect. You make mistakes.
But you are also on a path of growth. Your mistakes and failures help you improve. As flawed as you may be, you must accept yourself, flaws and all, if you are to make progress in your life.
2. Remember that you are not a bad person.
You can do something wrong while still being a good person. A lot of guilt or shame can make you feel like there is something wrong with you.
Realize, right now, that there is a very big difference between doing a bad thing and being a bad person. Even when you do something that you regret, you most likely had a valid reason for doing it at the time (even if that reason doesn’t make rational sense).
You didn’t do something bad because you are a fundamentally bad person; there was an intent, or valid motivation, behind your action.
3. Talk to someone.
Sometimes you just need to get it off your chest. Talking to someone else about what is bothering you can have serious benefits.
- Another perspective. When you are upset at yourself, emotions can cloud your reasoning abilities. A friend will often point out a reason why you deserve to forgive yourself that you never would have seen.
- Social support. You always feel better when somebody else has your back. Knowing that other people are less critical of you than you are of yourself can be encouraging.
- Therapy. Professional help may be necessary or at least a good decision in some cases. If your self-hatred seems insurmountable, you might want to consider this.
4. Talk to your internal voice.
It can be useful to “personalize” your internal voice. Imagine that there is some other entity that is thinking your self-critical thoughts and have a conversation with them.
It might sound silly, but you should give this entity a name, which will reinforce the idea that this voice is separate from you.
During your “conversation” I want you to ask your internal, critical voice what its positive intention is. This voice is saying what it’s saying for a reason. It might be to protect you, to prevent you from making the same mistake again, or to help you improve in some way.
When you realize that your thoughts of guilt or shame are intended for your benefit, it becomes easier to forgive yourself. You can find another way to satisfy that positive intent while reducing your guilty feelings.
In my case, one of the positive intentions of my internal voice constantly shaming me was to help me remember Josh after he passed. Since forgiving myself, I have dedicated each of my yoga sessions to Josh, which ensures that he will not be forgotten.
5. Do the best friend test.
Imagine your best friend had done exactly what you did and then came to you for advice. What would you tell them?
You would reassure them and tell them not to be so hard on themselves. You would tell them that everyone makes mistakes. You would tell them that they deserve to be forgiven.
Why can’t you say this to yourself?
(Erin Pavlina has written a fantastic example of using this technique that I highly recommend checking out!)
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Forgiving yourself is far more challenging than forgiving someone else because you must live with yourself and your thoughts 24/7. Despite the challenge, emotionally healthy people must have the capacity to forgive themselves when they have made a mistake.
When you forgive yourself, you are not pretending as though it never happened. On the contrary, you are acknowledging that your actions have consequences. But the consequences need not include self-inflicted negative feelings.
Not forgiving yourself is like picking at an open wound; you are only making a bad situation worse. The wound is already there, but you do have control over your reaction to it, and you can stop it from getting worse.
If you forgive yourself when you make a mistake, it’s easier to address the consequences of your action in a productive way.
About Michael Davidson
Michael Davidson has written for over a year about finding happiness and health. The keys to his heart are dark chocolate and an encyclopedic knowledge of Simpsons quotes. Get his free 8 day e-course on how to create a healthy lifestyle that makes you happy and follow him on Twitter.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Just what I needed! I recently went through a brief moment when I did realise that it was my mistake and that I had hurt someone bad. It dint matter that the other person had also hurt me and hurt me more. I just couldnt deal with the fact that I might be a fundamentally bad person! But then I had to reason out between the incident and me as a person, just like this article talks off, and I feel better 🙂
I’m glad you realized the separation between your actions and yourself. It’s one of those things that’s almost “too obvious”. It’s quite clear that the essence of our being isn’t a specific action we took, but for whatever reason we choose to put blinders on and shame ourselves.
Totally agree with that. Also it is a gradual process. Everytime I tried make a quick fix out of a solution, I fumbled. Accepting that change needs time, was the biggest lesson for me. 🙂 Thank you for the great article and apologies for replying so late 😀
But if the other person has also hurt you then you shouldn’t feel bad
Love this quote. I too was depressed for 2 years i was thinking that am i fundamentally bad person. But soon you realize that you are not your mistakes.*Life is itself vast…& its foolish of you to even rethink about your actions. Bacause if something good or bad was meant to happen so it happened. You should be happy & appriciate everything you have. & ya I agree with you.
Hey, I guess,in talking to your internal voice, it should be written depersonalize your internal voice rather than personalizing…..Just noted..hope it would be corrected..
I’m sorry but I’m not exactly sure what you mean by this. Can you elaborate?
I’m pretty sure it would be “depersonalizing” your inner voice to give it a name. Then it becomes a separate entity, rather than a part of yourself.
Thanks for the comment!
You’ve written this
“It can be useful to “personalize” your internal voice”.
Don’t you think if we want to see our internal voice as a separate entity, then it would have to be depersonalized so that we can realize that its that voice speaking, and not to be identified with that.
Please let me know if I have misunderstood something.
Thank you for clarifying. Now I understand what you are saying.
You are correct, and personalizing is not the word I should have used there. A more accurate word might be “anthropomorphize” that voice, but I don’t know if that would have communicated my main point as clearly. When I said personalize, I meant to make it as though it were a person.
I think personalize was correct. I totally got what you were saying. If you personalize your inner voice, that means you are giving it , it’s own idenity.
The word everyone is looking for is ‘personify’. I forgive myself for being such a pedant.
this is so beautiful and deep and so true. thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the kind words!
This is very true! I read an article on here a few weeks bad about forgiving yourself and a message that stuck to me was ” treat yourself as you would a good friend in such a situation” and that applies exactly to what you said. Hope everythings going fine at Rutgers, atleast You’re football team is picking up!
That’s a very good rule of thumb. And yes, Rutgers is doing quite well now! Unfortunately it has to be the year after I graduate 🙁
This was a great reminder and I love the best friend test. It can be so easy to go into judgment of self and carry that around for years. And it is easy to think, who cares this only effects me but the truth of the matter is, it effect everyone one in your life because the more stuff you carry around with you, the less of your true essence you allow other to see.
Thank you for pointing that out. Accepting yourself has a trickle down effect because you can express yourself more genuinely to others.
Hey Mikey … very nice realization and post. We are self-critical beings, aren’t we? So hard on ourselves at times. Good for you for coming out of that situation and learning a valuable lesson!
Forgiving ourselves is tough, not ever judging ourselves in the first place is a great place to be too! If we can practice self awareness and observation by that “other you” as you say, it’s really effective.
You made some excellent points which are really helpful.
Thanks for the kind words! You are right though. Fundamentally, we should be less judgmental of ourselves. Of course, it takes time to cultivate that mindset. This post was more about band-aids you can apply in the short term while becoming less judgmental in the long term.
So much gratitude for sharing this!
Thank you! It’s tough….but easier to share than keep it bottled up inside.
What if the person you hurt hasnt forgave you, and is constantly reminding you of the hurt you caused them, making it that much harder to forgive yourself? I know that its not right of this person its just emotionally abusing and the guilt and shame is building up. Im trying to forgive myself. And ive fought so hard for this persons forgiveness. I think i realized i need to stop asking for his forgiveness and work on me. This person constantly puts me down, breaks my charachterand just adds guilt. This article is very helpful.
I think in that case it’s best to focus on #1 and 2, accepting yourself and realizing that you are not a bad person. Yes, they are making it more challenging to forgive yourself. But nobody other than yourself is relevant to this. You can forgive yourself without needing anyone else’s permission.
I’m sure you already recognize this. It’s tough to put it into practice, but you just have to not let them control your relationship with yourself.
Very good comment. I have wronged my own brother by speaking bad of him to everyone and anyone because of the pain I felt for him not being a good uncle to my daughter and being there for her because it caused me and my daughter great pain because she loved him so much. Still, it wasn’t right of me to keep talking badly about him even though I felt he deserved it. I know I hurt him, but he won’t forgive me even though I tell him and show him how sorry I am. How does one deal with this situation? What if you are treating someone else bad because of the way they hurt you? What if you have stopped feeling anger towards this person and start treating good and kind but they refuse to accept it or change their ways? I’m just so confused and I really wish that someone one day comes into my life, analyzes it, and tell me what’s going on.
Well nobody owes you forgiveness if you hurt them. You have to accept that. At the same time if someone is putting you down constantly, that is unhealthy for both parties. And ultimately they probably don’t respect you. Respect is required for a healthy relationship.
What about the possibility of making amends? I don’t think you addressed that at all.
This has really helped me, thank you.
WHEN I THINK OF SOME OF MY PAST JUDGEMENT, IT IS CLEAR HOW MY SELF RIGHTEOUSNESS CAUSED ME SPIRITUAL HARM.
WHEN I THINK OF SOME OF MY PAST JUDGEMENTS, IT IS CLEAR HOW MY SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS CAUSED MY SPIRITUAL HARM.
Even thought, you have to accept that someone(s) are angry which we deserve? Always remember this quote:-
“If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you’ve made, if they don’t realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go.”
Love this quote!
what if it is your own flesh and blood living under the same roof
Family is a bit different. If it’s your kid then you do have an obligation to try and help them understand. If they still live with you then there’s a good chance they love you the best they can given their level of emotional immaturity. Children change as they get older to understand their parents are only human. I was about 27 by the time I learned this.
Hi, I’d like to gain more understanding regarding that quotes. Let’s say if i cheated, do i have the right to tell my partner that I’m not a cheater since my mistakes is not me? How about a person you’ve done wrong to start to behave bitterly and angry towards you even though you’ve apologized? Can we not say he’s a bitter person?
People are the way they are for a reason! Bitter people most of the time have been betrayed by those they trusted and can no longer let the same thing happen because of the damage done to them. No one feels your pain like you so be considerate of others when you’ve done the damage to somone you want forgiveness from . You can’t feel there pain and if they dont forgive you… go mess up someone else life that DOn’t Know the Real You! Get your forgiveness from GOD
It’s not okay to mess up people’s lives and then say some god forgave you. Gods aren’t the ones who you hurt, other people are.
I don’t intentionally want mess up with someone’s life, if I did that, I won’t be feeling guilty, I the guilt is killing someone even after they have been forgiven though, there has to be a deeper meaning behind it
The deeper meaning is "don't ever do it again". If you learn no lesson then you are not truly remorseful.
Everyone makes mistakes, some more horrible than others. There is no excuse to be a jerk regardless of upbringing, emotional problems, etc. There is always a reason behind why we behave as jerks but we don't have to act upon impulses brought on from traumatic childhoods, other circumstances or events. We can instead choose to turn to different behaviors. Feel like cheating, work on your employment skill set or exercise or engage in a hobby instead. Feel like over eating because you are nervous, think about how nervous you are because of your weight and do anything but eat at that moment- a cup of tea is a good exchange or some water and then try to get out in nature for a walk around the block.
Whatever impulsive thing we want to do because we have not been properly trained to act well in this world can be changed by choosing any behavior other than the one we impulsively want to do. We break ourselves of the horrific habit of impulsive harm to others and ourselves when we choose any behavior that is non harmful and different than the one we so desperately believe we need to do.
Want to yell at your boss for asking you to do one more thing, picture your boss a stressed out human who has not learned to behave well but probably wishes they could. Lead them into better behavior by just listening to them calmly, repeat what they want from you and ask for clarification on when and how you are to do that within your working hour and what they expect you to drop in order to do the additional work. Sometimes this helps them see they are asking too much. Want to play video games or engage in a hobby before helping out at home? Sure, we all do and the impulsive do just that and hurt others. Instead get those things don and then do the hobby. You do have time for both when you stay with a strict household management regime for chores.
Guilt serves to remind us not to be jerks about how we treat ourselves and others. When we have committed terrible acts (not illegal) against others that result in hurting them we have to accept we hurt another person and they don't have to get over it nor should we ask them to. Our punishment was due and existed the moment we contemplated or did the act. We should be punished so that hopefully we become more thoughtful mature adults. Don't hang onto guilt for guilt's sake. Learn, grow, change but most importantly, don't do it again- that is possible and it is emotionally healing to know you are doing better with character building.
People can be bitter about something that happened without being a bitter person. Just like someone can do a bad thing without being a bad person.
You can cheat and even say you’re not a cheatER if it’s not part of your normal behavior but you still have to tell your partner or you would be telling a lie about maintaining monogamy.
I am speechless right now 😢 I am an awful person
I needed this outlet today. I keep telling myself that I have forgiven myself but I really haven’t. I keep punishing myself for all the hurt and pain I have caused the people in my life who cared for me the most. I feel like somedays I have accepted my responsibility for my actions and then It hits me that I haven’t. I keep telling myself that I am not a bad person and the even good people do bad things sometimes. I am sorry if this is rambling but I can’t talk to my friends as I am not sure they will understand anymore. I embezzeled money from a company I worked for and criminal charges were pressed against me, I now at 42 have a felony record and am trying to get my life back. I have never in my life broken a law other than a speeding ticket. I have always been a good person who has always put others needs before my own. This trait alone helped me get to this position in my life. I never was good at putting myself first.
I look back and realize that I was in a bad relationship and I am trying to also accept the responsibility of letting myself be in a controlling verbally abusive relationship. When I say and type it I feel like I am using it as an excuse. I could never see what all my friends and family saw. How do I come to terms with that? How do I accept that? I want to let my past go and build my future, some days I really have it together and feel like I am on the right track, then wham I run into a wall and realize I am still punishing myself for my actions and not accepting my circumstances.. Like everything is an excuse to make me feel better about what I did.
I could go on and on but just an outlet for people who don’t know me and my situation feels a bit freeing.
Thank you!
If you had criminal charges pressed against you and a felony record, that means you were already punished and did your time, so you don’t have to keep punishing yourself. It is now okay for you to move on in peace.
Thank you:)
Were you able to heal after your ordeal?
Harmony,
I am healing and when I look back to where I was to where I am now… I am very proud of myself for pushing through the pain and learning to forgive, others as well as myself. Though the later is still a struggle sometimes, but I am slowly getting there. It is kind of funny cause It is like everything I lost is being given back to me in bits and pieces a kinda funny way life is presenting me with similar situations I found myself in back then when I got myself into the mess I was in. And I am making way better decisions and being honest with myself. I was surprised when I took a deep breath and realized sometimes you do get do overs, just no ones that wipe out the mistakes of the past, but ones that make you examine your past mistakes and give you the chance to make the right choices and decisions. I find that I heal a little bit every day and I am thankful for all of it! The good the bad and the ugly! LOL!
First of all thank you for replying. Since the original forum was
about a year ago, I doubted I would hear from you. Reading what you wrote, gives me a little hope that things will get better for me; I just need time and patience but most importantly learn from my mistakes.
I have more questions for you, therefore i am sorry to bring up the hurtful past. You can reply privately (harmony95@outlook.com) or here, which ever you prefer.
Your felony charge, were you able to get it expunged? Were you able to get a job? I am terrified about my career, although a lawyer is involved. I thought to seek some answers from someone who has already been there. Although, our situation is different the process of recovery is similar. Please don’t feel obligated to reply. I will understand if you don’t. Thank you & good luck.
Hi Harmony95,
I am sorry it has taken me forever to respond, I lost the link to the site and couldn’t remember where I saw this article. As for expunging my felony charge I can’t do anything about for the next 4 years, I plan to see if I can, however if it comes down to money and paying an attorney it may be something I just have to live with. I am on third and final year of my probation , which as I understand will get extended out an additional two years due to the amount of the restitution that I owe. I am ok with that. Getting a job was a challenging process, but I found a great program here locally called Pathways to Prosperity, who were instrumental in providing me with the tools, resources and encouragement when I had none left. If you google it and call them they can probably find a similar program near you. They don’t specialize in helping those with criminal records but all people who are down on their luck or are in need of second chances. It was a great program for me to go through. They don’t get the jobs for you but provide the best resources for you to find employment and the best part is there is no judgement. I have had a few different jobs since my sentencing and finally found a job that covers my bills and expenses and provides benefits. The funny part about it is I am doing the same job that I was doing when I got into trouble in the first place, very ironic. But also a great lesson for me. I am proving to myself that I can do the right thing everyday. When I started my job search the challenge for me was always do I tell the truth or don’t I on my application. I was always encouraged to be honest and that it would pay off for me in the long run. Every application that was sent with the honest answer to the question have you ever been convicted of a felony I never received as much as a call back… so I started to not answer that question on the application.. amazingly I started to get responses back to my applications… my next challenge was in the interview process do I tell them the honest truth, my gut told me yes … so for the next 5 interviews I was honest and spoke openly about my conviction… of the 5 times only one person was more qualified for the position than me…. I never made it past the first interview phase… by the way these were also companies who are felon friendly.. So now by my trying to do the right thing was getting me no where. So I started to lie at the interview and not mention my felony charge and pray they didn’t do background checks. In the next month I got 2 job offers. I took the first one and had the intention of telling my boss about my history after I had proven myself in my new position. It was a small company and one of the other employees was not so fond of some competition in the office and googled my name and went to my boss before I had the chance to tell him the truth myself. Fortunately for me, he felt that I had proved myself and that he believed in second chances and I kept my job, however there was a lot of judgement and scrutiny of everything I did said or touched and I felt like they were looking for any excuse to cut me loose, which is exactly what happened. So frustrating. With in another month I had another job and again waited to tell my boss once I felt secure in my position… my mistake again… a vendor wasn’t sure how to spell my last name and googled it and immediately called my boss, God was on my side this time, my employer to had made many mistakes in his life and firmly believed in my work ethic and my skills that I was still the right person for the job. I have now been with the company for over 2 years. No discrimination after the fact, however I would recommend from my experience once you get a job, maybe talk to your boss sooner than I attempted to. On another note, the felon friendly jobs are the lowest paying jobs out there from my experience. I am back working as an accountant inspite of my felony charge and doing really well. I still struggle financially but I am getting there. I hope your situation has worked out ok for you and that you are doing well.
This is very good advice, although, i can not forgive myself for the things that I have done. If I imagined myself telling my best friend all the bad things I have done, I am sure that I would not get reassurance that I am not a bad person. They would think me to be a bad person.
Thank you for the article. I’m reaching out to TinyBuddha for a way to feel better right now. I work the overnight at a house for people with developmental disabilities and I’m also a full time student. Between classes and work, I’ve just been really exhausted and my body has been aching. I started sleeping for a good chunk of time at work. Without realizing it, I let laundry slide and a few nights I neglected to change a woman that I support because I was sleeping. In the morning, I couldn’t finish the shower routine and get her dressed because I was physically exhausted. I didn’t even think of it as neglectful until my boss confronted me. I’ve decided to move on to another job; one less complicated. I just don’t know how I’m going to forgive myself for what I did to that woman. I’m not usual that type of person. At least, I don’t think so. It hurts so much right now, all I can do is cry.
Thank you, much needed
I am reading this while in tremendous pain from a mistake I made yesterday. I am a dog groomer and a dog who was under my care raced out a door as I opened it. The dog was immediately hit by a car, and killed. I can not stop crying and reeling. I love dogs more that I can describe. I take care of so many dogs – I don’t understand how I could have done something so stupid. My heart is so broken and I want so desperately to take away the pain that I caused the dogs owner.
I hope you’re feeling better now and have forgiven you for this.
Michael,
Great article. It is astounding how much guilt can ruin a person – emotionally, spiritually, and physical. We created a “forgiveness” wall.. We have had a great reaction and pouring out of people that want to get things off of their chest. If you’d like to check it out: http://thriveworks.com/blog/how-to-forgive-yourself-start-letting-go-of-past-regrets/
What about apologising to people? Is it ever wrong to apologise to people? There’s someone I’d really like to apologise to, someone from years ago, but I feel like if I did so then I might just be stressing them out or bringing up old pain. Would it be selfish of me to apologise? To cut a long story short I was going through a nervous breakdown and at some point within that my boyfriend left me. I was the epitome of crazy ex: phoning, texting, emailing, accusing him of all sorts of bizarre things. And this continued on and off for 18 months! He was exceptionally patient with me at the time. I can have compassion for myself in that I can see that I was not in my right mind and now that I am recovered it will never happen again, but I’m still struggling not to feel angry with myself and I’m extremely embarrassed. Also, I feel like if I was to reach out after all these years and apologise – I also want to tell him how much I appreciate his patience and kindness with me when I was such a difficult person to be around – then it might just be for myself. I mean, I intend it for him too, but it would also make me feel better to apologise. I don’t want to just bother him, though. Would you apologise? I can’t make my mind up as to whether or not it is selfish!
I think it is good of you to apologise and it is the right thing to do. Then you can truly let go of that part of your life, and he will respect you for having grown so much stronger with the ability to admit what you did. Go for it
I hadn’t looked at my Disqus for a long time and found this…I’m surprised by my own comment, I was being unacceptably harsh on myself here. I was not in fact the epitome of crazy ex, I accused him out of anger once and that was about a day after we split up (then I apologised). But the 18 month contact was pursued by both of us (although I kept saying I didn’t want to be in contact because I wanted to get over it….I just didn’t stick to it…)…and in fact he continued to tell me he loved me during that time…so I’m really glad that I never did apologise. My behaviour during those 18 months was not to my standard, admittedly, but neither was it cruel or unfair. Had I been in his shoes I would not have thought badly of me at all.
I think when you’re in a bad place it is shockingly easy to lay all blame at your own door. Just knowing that I beat myself up so badly two years ago that I would think any of that was true teaches me a few things about being a bit nicer to myself. Fucking hell…
Either way, you should still apologize. Years are nothing compared to sincere apology. Just because it will help you too doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.
Thank you for this post! My grandmother passed away on Christmas and I’m still struggling with guilt for having ignored her and gotten frustrated with her dementia. Will have to work on these steps!
You have an entertaining way of writing and yes I love the why, I usually ask ” What are you hear to teach me
Lubeck Altstadt
hotel
Hmm… You’re right – forgiving yourself is way harder than forgiving someone else; even if the transgressions are similar.
About a year and a half ago, I went to NYC to meet a close friend of mine on a school trip. I’ve known him for about 5 years, and we had tried dating long-distance back within the first year of our friendship. Unfortunately, even though the relationship fell apart, I’d never gotten over the feelings I had for him. I tried waving them away and convincing myself I was “just friends” with him, but it just got worse and worse… They even persisted long after I began dating my current boyfriend. I would talk about this friend of mine to him with increasing frequency and somewhat alarming admiration. 🙁
Everything came to a head the second evening I was in NYC. My friend and I’d had a bottle of red wine to share, and while we were talking, we got onto the subject of how we’d dated, how we’d never quite stopped being attracted to each other, etc. He was more than willing to let it go and move past it. After all, I was with someone else, and our lives had diverged a bit since then. Instead… I kissed him. Things were a little awkward after that…
After my friend left to go back home, I met up with another friend of mine the next day. He used to live in my city and is a great mutual friend of mine and my boyfriend. After hanging out all day, and my second friend periodically asking if I was okay, I finally told him what’d happened over dinner that evening. I was so filled with guilt and horror at what I’d done, I couldn’t breathe. I was terrified of coming home, of having to tell my boyfriend what I’d done. But I came back, and as soon as I saw my boyfriend, I let him know what’d happened. After the initial shock had worn off, he eventually forgave me. The friend I was in love with eventually forgave me too, though that took a lot longer… I never meant to hurt anyone, and I didn’t kiss my friend with the intention of taking it anywhere further. Rather, all I’d wanted to do was show him how much I care about him. But I’d already messed up enough.
My friend and I’ve since talked everything out. After a fight later that year, we agreed to just wipe the slate and start again. I’ve since moved in with my boyfriend, and we’re getting along swimmingly. Only thing is, I’ve never been able to forgive myself for what I did. Not just for the kiss in NYC, but also for not acknowledging how I felt and putting an end to my feelings for my friend years before. I put my boyfriend and my friend through months and years of ridiculousness, and it came to a head because I wanted to go through with what *I* wanted… So, yeah. I’m going to start seeking out professional help to really get this out of my system, among other things.
Thanks for posting this, your advice is valuable. Essentially been neglecting a subject in school to the point where it was just ridiculous, I disappointed the teacher and things still haven’t been resolved. Trying not to think about the idea of failing it, but also it’s really hard overcoming the guilt and shame. Not just from the fact that I essentially screwed the guy over for nearly the whole year with my lack of initiative and work, but he was one of the best and most genuine teachers I had and I took it for granted. I get how important someone’s work can be to them, my dad’s a teacher and it’s truly his vocation, I think I could say the same for my teacher but all I’ve delivered is a slap in the face. It doesn’t help when you shame yourself for being in this turmoil because you’re not even the injured party, but I guess when you hurt others you can harm yourself in a different way. All I’ve been telling myself lately is that I’m a horrible student and a deplorable human being. It’s a problem because right now I need to buckle down and do real work, that’s the only real way to apologise at this point, no words just work, as I have been told that my word can no longer be trusted – cuts deep but is justified. With only 10 weeks left I can’t do anything, I’m sorta frozen in this stupor of self-loathing. And my mind tells me nasty stuff like how I probably wouldn’t feel this much remorse if I hadn’t been spoken to about it by my teacher, face to face making it clear that my attitude was frustrating and pathetic. I’ve never damaged a relationship with a teacher to this extent before. keep tearing myself to pieces and it needs to stop so I can move on with year 12 and life and be at peace.
Three years ago I hurt someone I love very badly. In the moment, it was deliberate on my part. I was in a lot of emotional pain, my life was falling apart and I took it out on someone I love with all of my heart. There are no words to even come close in describing just how devastating this turned out to be. I can never take it back, change it or even look this beautiful person in the eyes and ask for forgiveness. There is no closure for me in this. All I have are the memories of how I hurt her so badly, how I did not care in that moment and how life took a turn for the worse mere days later and took away any chance for me to ever make things right with her. I would give my own life if it could somehow make it all better. Some regrets we can live with, other regrets haunt us until the day we die. I cannot forgive myself. I pray that she forgives me someday but without her here for me to see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice .. I am lost in this pain. It is slowly destroying me.
Hi Lost – just noticed this post is from 7 months ago. I feel in a similar situation to you – I hurt a very very lovely person, not quite deliberately, but thoughtlessly and selfishly, and it was definitely avoidable. I didn’t really give a second thought to how much I was hurting them. Like you, my life was/is falling apart and I was in a lot of emotional pain. I am searching for ways to find closure and self-forgiveness, and I think it is definitely possible. Who decides whether you are forgiveable or not? It’s your own inner voices – I know it seems like it’s coming from some objective judgement as to whether you can be forgiven, and you constantly compare yourself to other people to assess whether what you did is worse or not as bad, etc… but the inner judgements/voices/opinions/standards are yours and yours alone, and in that lies your power because you can change them. Therapy would help you, I think. Good luck, hugs to you.
Same here. The situation could have been perfectly avoided and now she’s in pain.
I am in a similar situation to yours. Not quite the same facts, of course. But, the general outlines of the situation are the same. I encourage you to talk about your feelings with family and friends who are closest to you, a sibling or best friend, perhaps. Even airing out your inner thoughts to someone else who is listening can be cathartic. In addition, that person may have some insights to share. And, given how much pain you seem to be in, I encourage you to consider seeking help from a therapist. A trained therapist or psychologist cannot wave a wand and magically make our problems disappear, obviously, but, they may be able to provide some much-needed perspective and counsel that will enable you to move on with your life in a positive, optimistic and productive fashion.
I feel similiar to you , but if we were bad people would we not feel any guilt for what we did? Perhaps it happens to make us better ? I feel guilt too , thing is I want to let go and enjoy my family as they don’t know what I’ve done and why inflict pain ob them for what I alone need to deal with.
If you slept with someone else (for example).. it is all your fault and you need to move on – you made a mistake of not understanding the person you were with and how they would feel – you just have to move on – a mistake like that I could not forgive because I am me too and certain things hurt too much – so stop thinking about how you feel cause that is what it sounds like to me – you whole mail is like this 🙁
Hey
Not being able to forgive yourself is a very real problem. Excessive shame and guilt about hurting a person is heart breaking. I personally acted the idiot when someone broke up me after a short relationship…..3 months….insecurity and mistrust caused me to not address things that upset me…i was very immature and didn’t treat her well. I sent obsessively long stupid texts to her. Basically i was a bunny boiler.
I’ve read excessive shame and apologising is the inner child asking to be forgiven…especially when it comes to rejection. This is not an excuse…..it’s an explanation so i can understand it and move on.
They’re are 3 reasons we want forgiveness. 1. Our own reputation
2. We care about the other person
3. We want that person back in our lives.
I don’t think we can dismiss or say it’s terrible that we feel 1 and 3. It may be natural. If however.. we can let the other person go…. so we don’t need them anymore. ..3 is solved. If I vow to never behave like that again….1 will eventually come right. For 2…..if you are deeply sorry for hurting them, apologise and then leave them be…..even if they don’t accept it….and wish them well in everything they do in your heart and think/pray that they forgive… so that it doesn’t cause a stain on their heart….for their future…not for our benefit…then we can forgive ourselves. Beating ourselves up is an avoidance….i think. Forgive yourself and accept that they are strong enough to deal with the pain….and hope they have a wonderful life…and they don’t carry the pain with them. That’s what I’m trying. Any opinions?
Hello Jayp75, i read your comment and you described the problem i had 5 months ago, i don’t know when did it happened to you but now after 2 months i hope you are going through it just fine.
I became so dependent of my partner, posesive and too attached, forgot about my life and i was living 24/7 just for her, this made me not give her her own personal space, i also felt like i was living on a cage on the third month and was feeling so insecure, she played an innocent joke on me and i acted like an idiot which hurt her a lot, i asked for forgiveness and after she put some thought on it she told me that we would be better off as friends… Man that hurt so bad, i tried to manipulate her for her to stay in the relationship, hurting her feelings once again, after bothering her with long messages she lost ALL the interest in me, i just thanked her for the time she spent with me, told her to take care and said goodbye… All i got as a reply was an “Okay, you too” and i stopped bothering her since then.
The first 3 months were hell, i was blaming myself non stop but now i have improved, i started practicing affirmations and self love and it really helps a lot, when you love someone is easier to forgive them which means if you love yourself a lot you will find easier to do so, grab all the nice things from the past romantic relationship, were they good or bad, short or long and learn from the mistakes made there so you don’t make the same mistakes again, have a beautiful month!
I hope you find peace. She was probably smart enough to know that you did love her even if you did a bad thing. She’s not here to forgive you but if she were, don’t you think she would? She probably knew that there was more to you than the bad thing you did.
I hit my wife in a drunken rage regarding her infidelity. I knew I was getting upset and drank more to maybe give myself an excuse to do whatever? I did this in March 2018. I can finally start thinking clearly enough to realize what I was thinking then and I relive it everyday wishing I would’ve just left instead of hurting her and now we both have to live with what I did. Thought (and think) about taking my life daily to ease the pain of guilt and remorse. She blamed me for her actions before and now I gave her an excuse to continue being angry and lost. I would give my life for her “true happiness” if that were possible. The relationship was very toxic for over a decade so I’m not telling myself I want her to forgive me and be together. Wish I could help her instead of the harm I have caused. Feel like she needed my help so much and instead of taking care of her “through sickness and in health” I did the complete opposite. Total failure as a man, a husband, and a human being. Hoping over the next year or ten I can come to terms with my actions and have peace . I think the hardest thing is seeing the difference between acts outta character and who we really are. Forgiveness for yourself is the hardest thing and just figuring out that that’s been my problem for awhile now. Not sure if it’s ever really possible but can’t go on like this for the sake of everyone else in my life that needs and loves me. Posting this thinking that what I did must be worse than what you did and hoping you can forgive yourself. After what I did I know how hard it can be and I’m not there yet. Just at the beginning of partial understanding?
My boyfriend did something similar a year ago. We didn’t speak for 5 months, and then he apologized to me. I decided to give him a second chance because I believe in him and know that we all make mistakes. At the end of the day, you can only take it as a learning curve. It haunts him every day what happened and I pray that he can forgive himself. He means the world to me and I hate that he can’t get past this and holds it against himself.
I hope you found peace 6 years later, I’m wrestling with a very similar situation now.
Sounds like I had a very similar moment like yours. I met the most beautiful girl, we liked each other a lot, and we were just about to start a relationship, but my thoughtlessly actions at that moment, while I didn’t mean too, I suddenly broke her heart. As days followed then weeks followed it was apparent, I will never see her again, and worse still never be able to apologize, as I never got her contact details in time. I know I don’t deserve her now, but I would still like to apologize. This was over 10 years ago, and the pain still sometimes feels like it was yesterday, I can only pray she did find someone in the end she considers better than me, and she is living in a happy relationship most likely now with children of her own. We learn, and i like to say just be prepared for the unprepared, and think of others not yourself.
Thanks for this…my boyfriend of 10 years died a month ago and we had a rocky relationship although we loved each other, I keep coming back to how I’m not even sure if he knew how much I loved him because of the way I acted…these thoughts and feelings are torture and there’s nothing I can ever do to make it up to him now. I’m searching for anybody to tell me something that could possibly make me feel better…but there really is no comfort cuz I can never make it right with him. If only I’d had one chance to talk to him again before he died. We were even fighting that day, our last words weren’t kind…and he died in a car accident that night…no more chances ever again!! I don’t want to live like this. I love and miss him so much
one time I have been hurting someone I love and care about. but every time I found myself hurting him. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I feel that I’m heartless, a real bitch and I want to change, I want to do something to change who I am but I don’t even know where to start. all i have in my heart is pain and all i feel is pain. i feel empty like I don’t have any kindness and I’m still young so what to do? and I have made a lot of mistakes, so many of them and they are still hunting me, and I have no one to talk to because no one understand so what to do?
The fact that you feel you are a ” heartless bitch” tells me you are not. A heartless bitch wouldn’t care if he/she hurt people. Whatever you did was a mistake. You can learn from it and do your best not to make the same mistake again. This can make you a better person if you let it.
Hmmmm. But sometimes you are a bad person. Sometimes you need to be fully ashamed so that you can learn what not to do next time. I don’t always think we should be forgiving ourselves until we have done some serious learning, thinking and feeling what someone else may have gone through because of our actions. And change them.
I’m sure anyone struggling to forgive themselves has already been considering all of this. Once considered and felt it is pointless to harbour it.
Really the act of seeking forgiveness is the proof of you being a good person.
“He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” And nobody could.
You can be fully ashamed and then forgive yourself later after time has passed and things have changed. It’s not an either or situation. The article touches on that.
I am about to hurt someone, I know it’s wrong but I feel like I can’t do anything about it, because by not doing this, I may be miserable myself. It’s all my fault, my indecision that has led me to this situation..but I don’t think I’m brave enough to face the consequences.
My poor mom had the misfortune to have me as her caregiver. I left go of her hand after surgery and she fell breaking her hip. Later, I hired an lpn that was not someone I should have kept but I did. Not only that I knew what a terrible driver she was and I let her take my mom in our wheelchair van. She didn’t strap her in properly and my mom was thrown to the floor breaking both her legs and hit her heart which changed her life for the worse. They didn’t know for two days she broke her legs. She looked at me pleading but not talking, her hands shaking. I thought she was in shock but she was in pain being moved all over like she was for days can you imagine? If that’s not bad enough my mom had a small tumor in her colon and because I was afraid to have the surgery to remove a tumor that caused her to lose a lot of blood it’s now to late. She has suffered a lot because I didn’t take the tumor out when I could have but I was afraid she wouldn’t make it. I didn’t think that of course she would want to stop the bleeding. These are only a few of the dumb things i’ve done. I am responsible for killing my own mother with my fears and stupidity.Now, how does one forgive themselves for this? You can’t. I let my own sweet elderly mother who needed me to help her down and I watch her suffer so much. I will never forgive myself because it is my fault. So many aren’t but I am.
Dear Sapphire 51,
I felt compelled to write because I was also caretaker for my Mother in her last years and know how very difficult it can be. Sometimes we make decisions based on knowledge we have at the time and it turns out to be a mistake but that is because we cannot predict the future and we are only HUMAN. If you were truly a bad person you wouldn’t have been her caretaker in the first place and you wouldn’t feel guilty about anything that happened either. You CARE because you are a good and loving person.
I am sure you are focusing on the mistakes that were made instead of all the many good things you did for her and ways you were there when needed. Think of how you were a good and loving daughter your entire life, the good outweighs the bad, Please don’t focus on the last years which are usually hard and difficult for all involved. No one is perfect, it’s like being a parent, we make mistakes with our children too, do not hold yourself up to an unattainable and impossible standards. FORGIVE YOURSELF.
I was having a very hard time getting over something hurtful I said to an ex girlfriend. This article helped me to stop feeling ashamed and guilty. Thanks so much
Thank you for writing this. i was feelibg very terrible about something,and i googled and came accross this page. Very beautiful what you still do for Josh.
Why am reading this article now is because of the situation I am in. I have cheated on the person I love the most.. yes, my intention was clearly not hurt him or because I love him less..but it happened and I confessed and we are not together anymore. It hurts like hell. But I am not sure if I really had to pay such a big price.. disappointed, hurt and shattered
thx
I did something stupid, and it caused damage to someone’s property. It was something careless on my part. Of course, I never intended for this to happen, but if I was using my brain it wouldn’t have. I’ve tried to apologize to this person, but I can’t seem to get past it. I think part of it is guilt and part of it is embarrassment over my actions. My wife said just move on but it’s not that easy.
My perspective is a bit different in that I am feeling a huge amount of guilt and regret over putting my dog to sleep 6 weeks ago instead of trying emergency surgery for her, as she was bleeding internally despite already having other treatments which didn’t help much. The vets talked me out of surgery as they said she wasn’t likely to survive and I somehow agreed to this. I cant forgive myself. She was only 8 1/2 and it all happened so quick and out of no where. I feel it is the worst mistake of my life yet the professionals werent encouraging the surgery after we did several tests and they all came back bad. Im trying to read stuff on how to forgive myself but I just dont know how as I feel she deserved a chance to live happily for several more years. I didnt want her to be in any more pain but think it was a mistake. I never deliberately wanted to hurt her, she was my baby, my best friend and I only wanted to help her, but things unfolded the way they did and I somehow agreed to that awful choice. I’m very lost and feel like a horrible person as she was everything to me.
From the other side of this I had a dog going on 4 years ago that we had only had about 5 or 6 weeks that had blastomycosis ( a nasty fungal lung thing) I did the opposite and tried treatment and we lost him in less than a week of trying to save him. I to this day second guess my decision to treat him, did I cause him more suffering? But thankfully the pain is not so bad anymore. I don’t think we can ever be certain of anything in these situations. You trusted the professionals and did what you thought was best in a very stressful situation. You will see your baby one day in the future on the other side of the rainbow bridge.
Like you, I came here over grief about a pet.
I fostered a cat who was the light of my life. He meant so much to me but in my inexperience and childishness, I lashed out at him one time and chased him for doing something I didn’t want him to do. I made sure he was scared in that moment. Afterwards we resumed our normal happy cat & caregiver relationship and he died several months later. I still can’t get over what I did though. I feel so guilty. I hope he didn’t hold on to that breach of trust after that day. I hope he died knowing I loved him.
I am going thru so much hurt and shame right now over my dog I just lost. I decided to start cooking for my dogs and it turned out that it wasn’t a enough and my dog died from it. I will never forgive myself for this I love my animals so much and try to do everything to keep them healthy. I took him to the vet and the vet said I should leave him there for hydration care, he did not eat the whole time he was there 4 days and he died alone with out us I thought I was doing the right thing he loved us so much and we loved him so much too. He was a rescue and was extremely happy with us for 11 yrs, but I did him wrong and can never make it right for him.
When I was a kid I hurt someone so bad and by that I mean phisycally I practically ruined their life I don’t remember the reason and I feel so guilty I don’t know how could I fix this or forgive my self but I know I regret it so much and I am so sorry
I have hurt a lot of people in my life. Some of my friends and my siblings. Mostly I hurt them with really strong words. I am very argumentative sometimes, that’s why sometimes I talk crap. I feel like a batch 🙁
I was so hurt that a guy I spent 10 months with and loved was chatting to other women and arranging to meet them . I logged into his Facebook and advised everyone of all his bad secrets I knew. This was two months ago and I still feel like such s bad person.
I have just hurt someone whom I love and have a deep appreciation for through my impulsive foolishness, while desperately trying to do a beneficial thing.
She will be going on a work trip to a middle-eastern country with some other people. Knowing about this idea shook me, and so I had nothing come to my mind other than sending her an abhorrent message telling her she’s out of her mind and asking rhetorical questions such as if she wanted her head to roll off on the ground.
In the state of mind I was in, I didn’t consider the detrimental emotions that I would arouse on her, thus causing the distress she’s now in.
I have apologized for my incompetence. But the pain still remains, and so does the guilt I feel.
An incompetent cretin is what I am.
A similiar thing happened to me. I say things in a way which can and does hurt people. The worst is knowing that someone is suffering because of you. It’s unbearable.
Thank you so much for this post and all the people who have posted their heartfelt and most personal thoughts here. I feel, I can understand what many of you are going through.
During a period of depression, I failed to control my anger and repeatedly hurt my grandmother who was in the last weeks of her life. As many have commented, it feels there is just no way to get over this type of guilt. To be honest, more than finding a relief for my guilt, I so wish my grandmother didn’t have to go through my bad behavior. She did not deserve to be hurt at all, not in the least by her grandson.
After spending lot of time reading posts like this and thinking about it, I feel there is one solution. Moving on and trying to forgive myself looks too selfish. Living with this guilt, being kind and caring for others and try to never repeat the mistake again … might be the path forward. My current self cannot forgive me for what I have done. But few years down the line, after having lived a better life, being kind to others, maybe I can ask to forgive myself.
Hope many of you here, find the strength to live with our guilt and pay the price (internal turmoil) for our actions and then ask for forgiveness ourselves.
thank you for this article.
I was looking for something like this and it nailed right on the head for me as I unintentionally hurt my partner in my sleep and he ended up being physically hurt. He’s recovering now but the guilt was simply eating me up inside and I honestly felt like how I feel about myself has changed and despite being fine on the outside, on the inside I was not forgiving myself.
Your article gave me a different avenue of thinking and has lighted some weight off my chest.
Thank you.
This is a excuse for jerks to keep hurting people they say they care about! F*#|& forgiving yourselves! Stop doing hurtful things to people you care about!Thats when life gets kinder !if we dont hold adults responsible for the damage that they cause to one another then expect the worst and no change in treatment amongst each other. P.s. how you hurt by what you did to hurt someone else¿ get the …… Out of here how do yall think those who have been hurt feel!
IF YOU KNEW BETTER YOU WOULD DO BETTER ! GET THE F….. ON! IM TIRED OF THOSE THINGS WE ALL SHARE IN THE SAME PLACE NO MATTER HUMAN OR ANIMAL WE ALL HAVE ….. A..S..S..W..H..O..L..E..S..
DROP THE MIC
Yup. Sometimes hurtful actions have repurcussions for years, putting the other person down a dark path. Happened to me
I agree. If one wants self-forgiveness they need to become better towards others first, otherwise they are just being a sociopath who does not care for others, only themselves.
I hurt my friend so bad because he always trash me and I felt upset , so I complain about it.
My son and my family said that what I did was wrong, my heart is hurts and my shoulder is still heavy … I tried ,i cry all night for the forgiveness and he won’t anwer me, replay me anything back …. I prayed for him and I know there is not forgiveness from him and I need help and I hope that he is doing good and have a good life.
I was out playing with my cousins the other day, and I took it too far and physically injured one of my cousins. Imginwarriors@gmail.com not sure how badly it was, but unfortunately I did do it on purpose. After we stopped, he ran home crying, reasonably, and while I’m not in a huge amount of trouble,i the feel like my relationship with him is broken. And I feel terrible about what I did. I’m not a person who lets things get physical very often, and I don’t know why I did it this time. The other thing is that my Aunt is really pissed and she said she and my cousins wouldn’t be visiting anytime soon. I feel like I have ruined my moms relationship with her sister by doing this. I just feel awful about the whole thing. I’ve apologized many, many times now, and I will continue to do so, but I just don’t know what to do. The cousin doesn’t seem to be mad, but I don’t know.
Thank you. I am so ashamed and disgusted at myself, I didn’t open the door for our cat “because” I’ve been battling severe insomnia, and he didn’t come back early but around 3am. By ignoring him I was able to go back to sleep, but he never came back. The only reason I can think of for him to disappear is that something happened to him. He had always come back every night. I am so sorry, I do feel like a horrible selfish person, I need to find a way to get passed this, your article is very useful, thank you for opening up like that.
I have hurt a lot of my batchmates in my college by abusing them on our whatsapp group online but I have never personally said something to anyone just abused them online I didn’t do it on purpose Infact I was triggered I overdid that and hurt some of them very badly and that hurt me slowly without me even realizing it I don’t know what to do know I have had a history of sudden outbursts and antics against my mates whether in junior high high school and now in college I guess i overdid that because I was triggered and people were jealous of me most of the time I have had a very unique and weird life till now where most of everyone seems to dislike my very existence I don’t know how to improve my social skills with people and how to prevent them from hating me I guess I will be alone my whole life
Recently I hurt the feelings of my best friend so bad which is beyond any repair. I am unable to forgive myself after that but I think after reading this I will be able to cope up with this situation soon. Thank you Michael Davidson for the advice…
I’m having a terrible time due to getting in a physical altercation with an in law. We’ve all been beyond stressed and overwhelmed and we both put our hands on each other.
I couldn’t believe what had happened after the fact. But, in the middle of it all I barely remember even thinking. It all happened so fast. I’m still replaying it in my head and how I could’ve avoided it. My daughter saw it all unfold which makes me feel absolutely horrible.
Now I have to stay strong until we have go to court. I’m hoping for the best and truly trying to forgive myself and make sure it NEVER happens again.
i messed up a few weeks ago. I told the truth because the guilt of lying and even though it was just head i feel and felt guilty, i may lose her over something i should of never done i felt then need to be honest to give her the choice of wanted to stay in this relationship or not. how do i forgive myself im ashamed, embarrassed, fear that i wont be able to show her im not that man but forgiving myself i just cant seem to do even if she does the thought of hurting her replays in my mind that im no good, that i can never be a good man, that my life is over just knowing she has to live with that, that im the reason she cries and wont trust men, im the reason that i lost my family and ill never get that back. how do you heal yourself?