“The most perfect relationship is the one that supports you in fulfilling your destiny—the one that empowers you to be everything you are meant to be in this world and beyond.” ~Jan H. Stringer
As I was sitting up in my bed, reviewing my “Ideal partner wish list” from six years ago, I was a little appalled. I had no idea how much I had been influenced by Hollywood when it came to identifying what I wanted in an ideal partner. It was watermarked all over my wish list. It was hard to ignore.
There was an undertone of entitlement in my wishes. They sounded more like demands than requests or desires.
My list looked like I was ordering a custom healing balm to soothe my loneliness and lack of self-worth. It didn’t look like I wanted a partner to enhance my experience of life and reach deeper levels of intimacy with.
I used to believe that if two people loved each other, things would work out. As I got older and wiser, I understood that the “love” they referred to was not the kind I had known: demanding, repressing, and controlling.
It was the kind that encompasses self-love and respects each person’s desire to be themselves. I didn’t even know what that kind of real, mature love looked like.
I grew up on romantic movies with happy endings and romance novels where unbridled passion takes over logic. In those movies, no matter how difficult the circumstances around the couple were, they would somehow resolve those issues and walk off into the sunset to live happily ever after.
The books I was reading followed the same scripts. I allowed these stories to settle in my mind and heart as truth, as something I should expect—every time.
After seeing my belief system, expectations, and how I approached relationships, the reality of it all sat in my stomach for a couple of days. It was no surprise that I had pretty tumultuous relationships since writing that list.
Naturally, I decided to write a new list. I wanted to see how far I had come, if at all. At the last minute, I heard the voice in my head saying, “Write it in a way that reflects self-love.” So I complied.
This time, the items on my list seemed far from the requests of an unripe princess who is throwing a temper tantrum. They came from a place of knowing myself deeply and wanting to give myself nothing less than the best.
I knew my unhealed places and my must-haves based on my core values. By now, I had had enough experiences and relationships to know which qualities I need my partner to have for the relationship to not take away from my existing happiness, and contribute to my growth as a human being.
It took me a long time but I get it now: A partner is not a cure for all my problems, or for how good I feel about myself. He is only responsible for his half: his happiness and his choices. He is off the hook from the responsibility of making me happy.
Yet, I let myself desire what I desire. For instance, historically, I am attracted to men who can fix anything around the house and find ingenious ways to overcome a problem they encounter while doing that. It’s sexy. I desire that. I enjoy that. But my happiness does not depend on it.
There is even a bigger, unexpected benefit to the new version filtered through self-love: this new list feels real, achievable, and believable to me. Because it is based on truth I have gathered about myself. This, of course, increases its power and my faith in it even more.
Since I wrote my new list almost three months ago, I feel relaxed in the knowledge that the right partner will show up when he is due. Not a minute sooner or later. And I have no control over that.
I kick back and live my life, enjoy relationships, grow through them, and do not make the guys I date the potential father of my children right away. I let them reveal who they are and I reveal who I am in time, and see if there is enough overlap for us to continue.
If you had told me two years ago that I could relax into the arms of the Universe to lead me to my ideal partner, I would not have believed you.
I no longer play games or shape-shift to gain and sustain someone’s interest and love. Even though the price of this wisdom was high, I still feel grateful for all my heartaches and disappointments. Through my experiences, I found invaluable pieces of me that I will never give away.
If I am here today, enjoying the peace of this knowing, anyone can get here. Here are a few steps to get you going in that direction.
1. Instead of worrying about how you’re pleasing your partner, your boss, or your friends, start paying attention to your own emotional responses to life.
See what excites you. What kind of a life do you imagine having if all your wishes came true? Get a little notebook to carry with you at all times and write down everything about you.
“I find crop circles fascinating,” “I don’t enjoy cooking except for when I invite company over for dinner,” “My dad calls my mom at work every day. I like that. And so does she.” Get to know you. That is the gateway to knowing what to look for in a partner who is ideal for you.
2. Pay attention to how you meet your own emotional needs.
What makes you feel cared about? What pisses you off to no end? What do you do when you feel sad, lonely, or desperate? Who do you share your joys with? What kind of a response do you like to get for them? How do you find inspiration in life? What takes away your trust and what keeps it strong?
Knowing the answers to these questions will help you know what would keep you happy or what would not take away from the happiness that you create for yourself.
3. Imagine that you are a non-judgmental secret self-love agent and your job is to provide a report of your findings of this inner research.
Write this report on yourself from a place of getting to know the person who has lived on this planet, in this body all these years. It is meant to be a loving mirror of who you are, what tickles you, and what takes away your joy.
4. Write your new “ideal partner” wish list based on the person you know yourself to be.
Create an avatar for the partner who would complement you and who can support you in becoming the man/woman you are here to be.
Change and embellish this process as you like and don’t pressure yourself. It could take days or weeks to complete. Allow yourself to enjoy the process of getting to know yourself. Write this new list as a celebration of who you are based on what you find out, accept, and love about yourself. That combination is irresistible!
Couple silhouette via Shutterstock
About Banu Sekendur
Banu is an intuitive coach and a healer. Her passion is removing emotional, mental, and energetic splinters that create blocks to joy. You can connect with her on her website and her budding Facebook group Heart Alchemy Crusaders.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Within days of making my list 14 months ago, my perfect partner arrived in my life. He’s not perfect, but he’s perfect for me. Bliss!
That is awesome, Kelly! Right on! Enjoy what you’ve got!
I was engaged to a person two and a half months back and I always hoping that ‘why doesn’t he ask more about me’ or ‘why doesn’t he talk to me about the problems I faced in life and help me evolve as a person’ or ‘why not he is there to pamper my expectations of a love partner’
But the article has helped me a lot to know that ‘I need to find my wish list first and try to accomplish them on my own’, he is not my problem for all the time. Your happiness would always be in your own hands.
So true, Shikha! We arrive at that realization sooner or later and it sets us free. Good for you! Wish the best on your journey.
Top on the list: Kindness and Respect!
Thank you Banu.
Hi Banu
I really enjoyed your post. I liked all your tips but particularly the last one. That investigation and subsequent list can be very valuable in attracting that ideal person..clarity about what we want is extremely powerful. This was a key in meeting my now fiance over seven years ago.
I have written about relationships and law of attraction on my blog a couple of times, and of all the tips I have discussed there, the one I think is the most important is committing to being yourself…we tend to hide who we really are and then lament we can’t make any authentic connections. We pine for the person who will allow us to be who we really are, but we can’t become a match to that if we are walking around wearing some sort of mask–the only people we will encounter are also those ‘faking it.’
Great post!
So glad you got something out of it!
True! We can only receive it we are able to give those to ourselves. The Universe always mirrors our inner emotional climate back to us. Thank you for commenting, Robin!
Banu, I so loved this post and the other three that you wrote on here! Your insights and your writing style is captivating and transformative. You speak the truth in a way that can be heard. Please keep up the good work. I am a huge fan…
Namaste,
Jen
Dear Banu, I am currently torn between two men and find making the decision (either/or or in fact neither) so terribly hard; your post is a small light shining on the way out of this mess. Thank you.
Hi Florence, So glad that the post offered you hope. Please hang on to it and follow it where it takes you! You have it in you to work through it! Wishing you a smoother path ahead. Love, B
Hi Jen,
What an lovely comment. Seeing this first thing in the morning made my day! I am honored to know that my work is touching you and helping you recognize your own awesome self! xo
Hi Banu,
My name is Dee. I just met a man but I’m afraid to let him in. We have great connection. He said he really likes me. I am a big woman. I don’t think anyone could like me as big as I am. I’m always thinking negative about my weight and myself. I’ve been hurt so many times. Every time I give my heart to a man after he tells to trust him and that he’s different from other guys then turn around hurt me. Now my new guy said the same things. I don’t know if I can trust him. I keep thinking these negatives thoughts about him on how he’s gonna hurt me and that I know he has somebody. I don’t what to do Banu. I really like him. I just hope he’s not gonna hurt me.
Hi Dee,
I am sorry to hear that you had such experiences where your heart was taken for granted. The key is to pace ourselves and not jump in with all our heart right away. Let him PROVE IT to you. Let him show you that he has what it takes to be the man you need for you to share your heart with him. When they “work for it”, they are less likely to throw it away.
Additionally, I can understand what it feels like to think that no one can like you when you are big. Dee, identify what YOU like about yourself. There are many layers that make a person attractive. Personality, approach to life, how they treat others, integrity, their smile, intelligence, purity of heart, kindness, maturity, their eyes, heck, their hands and feet (for me), etc… You have to like you FIRST and believe in your worth. I am so pissed about how we have been brainwashed to think that our value is dependent on how we look. Work on removing that outdated software. WE have to make an effort to change the rules for ourselves.
Dee, if you go out into the world thinking that you are not desirable because you are a big woman, two things will surely happen:
1) You will find proof of it everywhere (even when it’s not there)
2) You will give your heart away to the first one who seems to accept you as you are.
I hate to say this but there are wolves out there dressed in sheep’s clothing. Meaning: They smell vulnerability and insecurity and pray on you. That is the law of the jungle. There is a predatory inclination in people. We have two legs but we have a primitive brain. Essentially, we are socialized animals. I have seen this among men and even in women. A woman can sense when a guy is insecure. A not so good woman will abuse this and use the guy (for money and status). The same thing happens with men sensing a woman’s vulnerability.
Change your belief about yourself and you will not be sending out a scent that says: “I am easy pray”. Get some coaching, therapy,whatever works and learn to love who you are. Then, even if you weight 500 lbs, you WILL NOT give yourself away easily. Lastly, develop an inner protector who can recognize the predators. I know what to look for an as soon as I see the signs, I run the other way.
Example:
Once, I met this cute guy (10 years younger than me) and he was showering me with attention. Then I noticed that he has women around him smiling at him all the time because he was feeding that. I stopped returning his emails. I ran into him in town and he asked me why. I said, “Dude, you have 15 women around you all the time”. Guess how he responded, “Yeah, I know!” with a wide (I can’t believe it’s butter) smile on his face. That was my confirmation. He was using female energy to feel manly and hot and THAT was a turn off to me. I had been burnt by that type before, hoping that he’s PICK ME over the other 15 women. Does not happen.
You know what’s cool about having been heart-broken many times: You learn all the tricks they pull and CAN recognize the signs. Use these bad experiences to help you to weed out the ones who can hurt you again. They ARE predictable!
I wish you well. Make 2015 the year of self-love and fall in love with you!
Love, Banu
I have been studying the law of attraction for the past 4 years and your article on Manifesting was the best I have read so far. Thank you!
Awesome! I am so glad you got something out of it! Manifest the best year of your life in 2015! Happy holidays, Josie. Thank you for commenting!
Hi Banu – Thank you so much for a great article that really helps! What makes an article/ post great for me is when it gives you action points on how to achieve something, instead of rambling on about what that (elusive) something is.
I’ve finally learnt to love myself but this is creating trouble – I now have an ‘identity’ 🙂 and this isn’t how others in my current relationships know me as I’ve been too ‘malleable’/ pushover. I’m going to apply your pointers to all my relationships – big project ahead but how exciting and liberating!
This was awesome. Thank you. I love the idea of carrying a little notebook with me to write things about myself in. It’s like being a self-investigator!!!! Best wishes.
Hi Banu,
I found your post inspirational in a time where I feel very confused about what I want and I realised that the reason behind that is because I dont know who I am. I seem to have mirrored my partners in the past rather than finding out what makes me tick. My first partner was a personal training, so fitness and everything healthy became my life. My current partner enjoys watching football and going to the pub, so that is what I did, even though I had never watched football in my life! But I am realising that the reason I am not as happy as I want to be is because those are thing that he likes and I have mirrored. I will write a diary of all the things that make me tick, good and bad, and hope that helps me find out who I am and make me happier. I forget that I can still have my own life and interests. Thank you x
Hi Caity,
This is so common than we realize. I was like that too. We can’t feel badly about adapting and being a chameleon. That is probably how you survived! I know I did. Now, you can start discovering you and being patient while doing it. I am so proud of you for hearing the message of this post! I hope you can see and congratulate yourself for seeing truth and taking action accordingly! Much love to you on your journey, Caity. Banu
Yes! It’s actually fun! Thank you for the comment and running with the idea!
Love,
Banu
Hi Nish,
Thank you for your wonderful feedback. I am the same way, maybe that’s why I like offering pointers. 🙂 The identity you talk about might be a new container you created to protect your vulnerability. With real self-love, we have the choice to be vulnerable without boxing ourselves into a form, identity etc. I hope this exercise offers you new insights about yourself and you can find safety in stretching beyond your assumed identities. My suggestion would be to not see it as a project. You could receive resistance from your “identity” who might not want to give up the safety it has created around you. Best wishes on your journey of self-discovery and self-love. Seems to me like you are well on your way! Love, Banu
“As I was sitting up in my bed, reviewing my “Ideal partner wish list” from six years ago, I was a little appalled. I had no idea how much I had been influenced by Hollywood…”
I work as a film director here in Hollywood. I and my peers influenced you to do NOTHING. You chose to focus on actors as “examples of whom to reward with your love”, completely independent of us and our artistic creations, and you chose to build the boulevards and buildings of your life based upon those actions. Whereas, had you bothered to ask any of us who work here, we would have readily warned you:
– Actors and models are the least stable and giving people in the world.
– They do not understand love and they lack compassion.
– Most are gay. If you are a heterosexual woman, there will be no joy residing in any of these men for you.
– Their supposed “beauty” depends on the hard, skilled work of many technicians you do not get to see on-screen: makeup artists (MUAs), cinematographers and wardrobemaster and mistresses. It’s not theirs alone. Without our magic, often they look as shabby on the outside as they usually are on the inside. You chose to ignore us and that, and instead focus on their technician-enhanced, lying physical appearances as inspiration for whom to love in real life. That’s OUR FAULT?
– Most actors are bipolar or schizophrenic. That’s a huge part of why most wind up on drugs and die from them. You sure you want that? That’s “a soulmate”?
Stop blaming us. It was your choice.
Seriously as a director if I read one more self-help article blaming people like me and the peers and friends of mine for who we are and what we do, for somehow magically engineering very poor love choice you audience members make, I THINK I WILL EITHER MURDER SOMETHING OR SCREAM.
CUT.
IT.
OUT.
NOW.
For real. That stuff is SERIOUSLY offensive.
“Gee. I’m just a movie director, and if it hadn’t been for all those authors on Tiny Buddha, I wouldn’t have made the poor love choices I made. We all know how Tiny Buddha authors are and how their sparkling depictions of X and Y can seduce us and make us make poor love choices. It’s all their fault. All their fault. None of mine AT ALL. It’s all THEM.”
Hollywoodbash Hollywoodbash Hollywoodbash.
Seriously: enough of this, folks. Do you see how stupid it sounds? Yes: I’m offended.
You people are attacking my job and identity. When do we ever do that to self-help article authors? YOU WERE THE ONES WHO INVENTED THE ENTIRE IDEA OF SOULMATES, YOU JERKS.
Should we now begin publicly bashing and blaming YOU for that bs? It’s misled millions more people worldwide than any movie made here EVER will.
That’s wise as hell. Thank you for posting it.
Glad you liked it!
Wow! I didn’t really think about it, until I red this, but I DO strive to make everyone around me happy and feel better about themselves! But isn’t that just hoe I’m “wired”? Am I being selfish for wanting ME happy 1st?