“Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts
In another life, not too long ago, I was an actress.
I fell into acting when a catalogue showed up on my doorstep for UCLA Extension summer classes, and in my boredom I started flipping through it to see what was on offer. For whatever reason (synchronicity? my intuition?), the Acting 101 class jumped out at me, and something in me said yes.
At the time, I was living in West Los Angeles, only a few years out of college after graduating from Pepperdine with a degree in business; working in the travel industry; and quite frankly, not entirely sure how I really wanted to spend my life.
My identity as college grad with a business degree didn’t mesh well with this newly emerging identity as an actress, but that little “yes” that signed me up for the class quickly became a louder “yes” as I fell in love with acting.
Even though I was a performer at heart (dance was my medium of choice for thirteen years in my youth), acting was only something I did occasionally in a school play here and there. But this, Acting 101, this was something new.
This was my chance to become not just one aspect but all aspects of who I imagined myself to be, as I brought words to life, I embodied amazing roles, I hobnobbed with the stars…okay, that last bit might be stretching the truth. (As an “indie film” actress, most of my hobnobbing was with other talent from the independent film and local theatre scene.)
But no matter who I was hobnobbing with, I always found myself comparing and falling short—reaching for my new identity as a “successful actress.”
Not pretty enough.
Not skinny enough.
Not put together enough.
I remember thinking “if only” time and again; if only I were (fill in the blank), people would accept me, understand me, love me.
Life is hard when you don’t know who you are.
Or so I thought—until I met and fell in love with an actor who was actually doing those things I wanted to do, and yet still had many moments feeling as lost and disconnected as I did.
I began to awaken to the possibility that no one is immune to this identity crisis; even those who seem to have everything together question who they are and why they’re here.
This identity crisis, fueled with my desire to help others in a more direct way, set me off on my current journey as a healer and coach. I was seeking to understand who we are at a deeper level rather than try to simply “fit in.”
Yet even as a coach, I found myself holding tight to the role I played as my identity. I wanted to be like other coaches—successful coaches—and I wanted to look and feel the way they did, fit into the mold that was shaped for my occupation.
But the harder I tried, the more I realized that I didn’t fit in. Not because I was doing anything wrong but because the truth is, “fitting in” is an illusion.
We are more than just our personalities, our likes, and dislikes.
We’re more than our gifts, talents, and skills.
We’re more than what we do, and we’re most certainly more than our bank accounts (or lack thereof).
In truth, I believe our real identity actually brings us closer together rather than further apart, and it’s less about “fitting in” and more about truly connecting with one another.
I began to shift the story from lonely outsider to a small but very important part of the whole.
This changed not only how I felt, but also how I showed up in the world.
If we listen to our ego, we only see the differences between us and other people, but if we listen to our intuition, we see the overlaps, similarities, and connections.
I began to ask the deeper questions—not who am I, but who are we? And more importantly, what are we, collectively, here for?
The answer that came through for me was so simple, yet so profound.
Love.
We seek love because we are love. That is our identity.
When we remember how alike we are at the core, it makes figuring out who we are on the surface simply a secondary gain.
You may be questioning who you are, why you’re here, and what your real identity is; after all, we all do.
Who you are is always evolving, so rather than get stuck turning inward to figure it out, I challenge you to shift your focus.
Just for today, try this:
Every time you connect with another person, whether it’s a stranger, colleague, loved one, or even someone who rubs you the wrong way (actually, especially if it’s someone who rubs you the wrong way), ask yourself this question:
How are we alike?
Maybe it’s as simple as the fact that you both read the same books. Or have the same views on an area of life. Or perhaps you both just love the color purple.
Or maybe you can feel deeper into it and sense that they are seeking, like you, even if they seem to have it all figured it out. Or that they want to be seen the way you do, even if they are going about it a different way. Or that they could use a kind word or gesture, even if they didn’t reach out and ask for it.
In that split second, think to yourself “I get you, because you’re like me.”
This thought, consciously chosen in that moment of connection, can powerfully change your perception of “who you are” in this world and ultimately transform your identity crisis to an identity awakening.
About Sabrina Bolin
Sabrina Bolin is a compassionate guide whose mission in life is to be a vessel for love. She currently manifests that mission through MyMiBoSo, her coaching practice focused on bringing intuitive awareness to the mind and body in order to create joy in the soul.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you Sabrina. I have been struggling with identity crisis for a while. The whole I don’t really fit in anywhere, and the feeling of being seperate somehow. Even when surrounded with near and dear ones. Will endeavour to implement your suggestions. It is tiring really, going around everyday searching for meaning, when maybe it all will make sense once I stop overanalysing and simply being.
Your post is something I needed to read in this moment. Universe keeps giving hints, maybe it’s time to listen nd trust the intuition.
Thanks once again.
This mentality of fitting in is a great barrier to realizing ones true potential. Living in the frail shadow of others is as dangerous as self denial. Thanks Sabrina for the inspiration
“If we listen to our ego, we only see the differences between us and other people, but if we listen to our intuition, we see the overlaps, similarities, and connections.” I love this — thanks so much for sharing, Sabrina!
Thank you Sabrina, for these inspiring words. I’m currently struggling with the situation where I am not sure who I am and what I want to do of my life. Now I am looking for a way to find my silver lining and most importantly connection with other people, because I believe it will help to find myself. Your article confirms this belief. Thank you, again.
hello Sabrina,
to me,
in the end, it’s not about finding myself, who i truly am etc… a subject that fill countless books piling up in the libraries shelves 😉
All personality crisis come from fears of not being/becoming who’d we’d like to be, desires to be something, somebody…
in the end, its simply about just being okay not being anybody.
from this point, all that’s left is just being.
to me, it really is this simple.
🙂
Lovely, Rigth now I am trying to find my mission search for who I am
I struggle with this, particularly with my weight and dating. I am all too aware that responses from men would be greater if I weighed less, particularly since I live in an area where the vast majority of people are young and fit. While I’m not massively overweight, I am 20-30 pounds over and that makes a difference amid those who aren’t. I could choose to stay where I am and take what comes my way in terms of interest, but as a friend says, “why not put your best self forward when dating”? Why not look your absolute best by getting in shape and draw in a higher pool of men?
Now some people actually look great whether they are 30 pounds heavier or no pounds heavier, but it’s not the case with me. I gain a lot of weight in my face and judging from the compliments I get once the pounds come off, I look more attractive when I’m skinnier. I’m even struck by this when I inadvertently see myself in a mirror– I’ve lost about 3 pounds and I can see a marked difference in my face already and am struck by how much better I look.
So I decided, why not put my best foot forward when dating. I’ve joined My Fitness Pal and am watching what I eat and increasing my exercise, and I feel great–but is it bad that my main motivation to do so is to draw more men? It’s also the area I live in too– when there are so many skinny women around you, you’re easier to overlook
This is a struggle I grip with daily as a recording artist/producer in school learning Audio engineering. I think the hard thing to do sometimes is to realize that we are a lot alike in many cases. We seem to get stuck in the vastness of our minds which are universes within themselves. I will say that lately I am coming to a point where I am really understanding who I am and I’m just letting go of past mistakes and insecurities. Thanks for this insightful article! Soundcloud.com/lpnum1
I love how you have brought it back to the simplicity of it all, Pat. The “being” you speak of is indeed a state of complete peace, one that we strive for in each moment.
To turn it around, I would love to hear your thoughts on the state of “doing”…that part of our lives that is the yang to the yin of our being. Is there a space for “who we are” and our personalities in that? Is it more about the balance between the two perhaps?
I’m so grateful that resonated with you, Whitney! Distinguishing between those 2 voices isn’t always easy work, but when those moments when we do become so much more fluid!
T, I’m grateful for you. For your journey. For your willingness to listen to those “hints” the Universe is sending.
I agree – sometimes we “seek so hard” that the digging deep within can become paralyzing and exhausting. Acceptance and being are surely a more effortless way of living – but that said, don’t beat yourself if the seeking feels natural to you.
Stay curious, but trade the judgement toward yourself for compassion. You can still seek with a lightness and looseness. Just because there isn’t “one answer” doesn’t mean we shouldn’t explore all the possibilities.
You’re very welcome, LP! Our minds can indeed feel like a vast space, which is why the connection to others is so important to keep us grounded.
I love that you’re really beginning to let go of those past mistakes and insecurities. Acceptance, forgiveness, and presence are keys to growth, and it sounds like you’re exactly where you need to be.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and to share how these insights have resonated with you.
Savannah, you ask a brilliant question – where does the importance of our “why” come into play when it comes to our motivations behind our actions?
Here are my thoughts – but ultimately take them with a grain of salt, as YOUR intuition is going to be (and will always be) your best guide.
Our egos often grab onto something limiting about ourselves and brings it to our attention – an excellent tool for our own growth – but the problem we run into is when we begin to give too much power to the ego and let it shade that area of growth with judgement.
Changing our lives, growing, tapping into the fullest versions of ourselves – these are all part of our evolution. But we can do so by honoring who and where we are first.
What if you took “attracting men” out of the equation, and rather just thanked your ego for bringing to your attention that you’d love to be the healthiest version of yourself?
Then you acknowledged all the amazing already healthy things about you (your legs are strong, you have great energy, you love to move your body – whatever resonates), and from that starting space of acceptance, shifted into how you wanted to improve on other areas for your own sake. For your own vibrancy. So that you can shine as brightly as you were meant to.
Then the connection with men would become secondary – icing on the cake, as it were – as you will be so fully free and energized that they’ll be magnetized by your radiance.
How does that resonate with YOUR intuition?
Manuela, seek no further. You are love. You are a soul having a brilliantly fabulous human experience. You are always in choice in this experience, and you simply cannot go wrong.
Thank you for reading and for being willing to share and to connect today.
You are absolutely welcome, Alexandra. Just as I was a mirror for you and affirmation that you are where you are meant to be on your path – YOU are a mirror for me and affirmation that I’m meant to share the messages that I do! So sending you BIG, BIG love today as you continue listening to your intuition and making those choices that feel in alignment with what brings you joy.
Brilliant:
“Living in the frail shadow of others is as dangerous as self denial.”
Thank you for reading today’s article and for sharing your beautiful insight.
I love this. =) Honestly, my intuition had already led me in this direction– as I shared with friends what I was doing, I told them the urge to get healthier was for ME. And it’s so true– especially since I’ve put dating on the backburner. It’s just naturally taken a back seat and I’ve loved focusing on me and giving myself a lot of TLC by way of empowering exercise and yummy, healthy foods. =) Thank you for your response!
You are so welcome, Savannah – so happy you were already honoring that guidance from within!
And I completely understand dating taking a backseat naturally. I personally didn’t make it a focus in my life, but I still connected with the man of my dreams simply by being open when the Universe sent me a gift. It is possible to live your life for YOU first and still attract that right partner.
Sucks to feel like you don’t fit in.
I find if you don’t find it and follow your intuition, then you will quickly find your way.
I fear I have now entered into identity confusion….though your article did help me. thank you
in doing there’s only doing 😉
in playing there’s only playing
imagine playing beach volleyball with your friends.
The ball is coming in your direction. you see it coming.
for that one moment, your eyes are on the ball, your body is walking toward it.
There is nothing else in the world in that moment.
no career, no stories about friends, no worries about taxes and future etc.. all there is at that very short moment is playing.
All the distractions are still there, the birds flying around, the hot guys shirtless walking around, the ebb and flow of neural activities and body fluids and all kind of insanely sophisticated balancing of chemistry in your brain and body. All of the life situation you’re going through… all still exist, but in that moment, there is only playing.
im assuming this is a Buddhist website and that you’re a Buddhist (there are equivalent realization in advaita, taoism etc…), so this is why for example, a young Buddhist monk would wash the dishes, trying to only wash the dishes.
or in meditation, things move fast when we’re watching the breath, and even for only a short moment, there is only watching the breath 🙂
you might enjoy reading this sutta
“Then, Bāhiya, you should train yourself thus: In reference to the seen,
there will be only the seen. In reference to the heard, only the heard.
In reference to the sensed, only the sensed. ”
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/ud/ud.1.10.than.html
You’re right Mark – when we DO start listening to our intuition, things do seem to connect more quickly and easily, don’t they?
Thanks for YOUR insights today!
Maria, we are all entering and exiting these stages and chapters throughout our life – I’m so happy my article helped you where you are right now. Trust that you will feel more rooted as you bring conscious awareness toward what you need to do to discover who you are at your core.
Sending you big love!
Thank you for sharing your perspectives and for so poetically expressing how BEING guides you in all areas of your life – I trust that your words will guide those who are ready to receive them right now and I honor your insights and journey :).
great insights and good tip…. love the connection aspect — we are truly all connected.
nice post!
seeing the likeness in others is definitely an interesting form of self-reflection!
http://www.heartcrack.com
Thank you – so happy to hear you enjoyed the post and found the process interesting!
Forgetting that connection is one of the ego’s dirtiest tricks, causing us so much more suffering than we need. So happy to be connected to YOU, Lisa Jey, and for your reflection of that connection!
Sabrina,
As overdue as my comment is, thank you for your thought-provoking article. As someone who has been floundering amidst an identity crisis for quite some time, your thoughts certainly have given me something different to consider in my perusing. Now- the great challenge of letting go.
Sabrina hello. Your way of thinking has helped me. But at times i can feel the same seperateness with the question how are we alike. It can make you compare yourself to others, which seperates. How to not fall in that trap?
I’ve questioned my identity many times and personaly I used to believe we are love, however my views have changed and I don’t know if it’s my ego, hurt or just another way of seeing the world. I am now quiet self aware and I feel like everyone I meet, my friends are another reflection of myself. I feel like I’m shutting off my emotion and my feelings. I struggle with motivation and living in the moment. What is a good way to approach self identity crisis and live a more aware, happy, bright life? Also love. in our culture it seems like there isn’t much love, well I can’t seem to find it and I believe I am ready for love but how do I even begin at finding the right guy? Do I even need to search? How does it work? I feel like I am an obstacle my self when it comes to finding love.. Is love even important considering what kind of world we live in today?