“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E. Cummings
I was a shy kid. My mom said that when I was in pre-school, the teacher asked all of the kids to hold hands and I said, “No thanks, I’ll just hold my own.”
That may have been the beginning of my aversion towards human contact. As a kid, I remember grandparents, aunts, and uncles giving me big horrible hugs. If I didn’t blatantly push them away or wiggle free, I stood there stiff as board, until the torture was over.
They thought this was adorable and would laugh and laugh. No one thought to seek professional help. They probably thought I’d out grow this, but I did not.
It became more apparent by middle school. I don’t know what went on at your junior high, but at mine, girls were constantly touching!
They were hugging multiple times per day, playing with each other’s hair, giving one another backrubs, and playing that weird arm tickling game where you plant a garden and watch it grow. If you’re curious what this actually is, don’t Google “girl’s tickling each other.” That’s not it!
I remember the nervous rides to Chaparral Middle School. My mind would race. Who was going to try to hug me today? What would I do? What would I say? I decided: I’d just go along with it, but I wouldn’t hug back, I’d keep it quick, I’d never initiate, and I definitely wouldn’t like it.
I didn’t fool my friends for long though. They started to notice my lack of interest. They made comments like, “You have to hug back girl!” or “Come on, give me a real hug!”
I wanted to vomit. I tried harder for a while. I tried acting like a warmer, more loving person, but it just felt fake.
I let my discomfort build until one day I finally exploded, which is the case with most of the issues I’ve eventually had to face.
My friend Laura picked the wrong girl to hug that day. I pushed her away and yelled, “STOP HUGGING ME! What is the matter with you?” Then addressing all of my girlfriends I pleaded, “Why do you always want to hug? Can’t we just keep to ourselves?”
At this point, I should probably put fears to rest and mention that I was never inappropriately touched. By anyone. No uncle. No neighbor.
I actually wasn’t touched much at all, which may be part of the problem. I come from a close-knit family; growing up they never missed a single soccer game and today they never miss a single funny email forward. We’ve just never been close in the physical sense.
We weren’t a very affectionate family and the little bit we did have was awkward; there was a lot of side hugging.
I also don’t remember my parents being outwardly loving with each other, besides once a year on their anniversary. They’d engage in this dramatic embrace where my dad would dip my mom and peck her lightly on the lips. I, of course, would turn away in disgust.
After my outburst, back at junior high, my friends’ feelings were hurt. At first they gave me the cold shoulder, but I liked that too much.
So they started teasing me. If someone outside our inner circle went in for the hug, they’d warn, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Melanie’s not a hugger!” I was embarrassed but relieved.
This continued through high school, but when I went away to college at San Diego State, I had to explain my beliefs all over again.
“No Hugging” was a difficult policy for my sorority sisters to wrap their pretty little minds around.
Luckily, I waited to reveal this until large quantities of alcohol were being consumed. They just laughed it off and then against my will hugged me anyway. “I am not kidding!” I cried, as I was squeezed between Victoria Secret Miracle Bras, way too much Mac Make-up, and an overload of Pleasures perfume.
From that day forward, whenever we went out partying (so every night but Monday) this became a running joke. My sorority sisters would send people I’d never seen before in my life over to hug me. These strangers would wrap their arms around, sometimes even double-teaming me! I was living my worst nightmare!
Looking back, I think my hugging repugnance was not about how it felt. I was just scared that I was incompetent in this area.
I felt everyone was naturally warmer than me; that they knew something about life and relationships that I didn’t. A few years after college, it became as clear as Alkaline water that I had a life-limiting fear of intimacy.
In my usual fashion, this was brought to my attention by an eruption of emotion. I had been taking an acting workshop to enhance my stand-up comedy.
After I performed a monologue, my teacher in the most loving, supportive, artsy-fartsy way, suggested I be more vulnerable on stage.
“Well, that’s not going to happen!” I declared in the most defensive way possible. I then proceeded to run out of the theater, get into my car, and drive away. “No one was going to tell me to be vulnerable! How dare he! I will never go back!”
But I crawled back the next week to try and wrap my mind around this outlandish concept he spoke of.
Shortly after that—through an interesting chain of events—I started working with a spiritual advisor, well okay a sponsor. Every time we’d meet she’d give me this big bear hug. I tried to explain my position on hugging, but she wasn’t hearing it.
Instead she grabbed me even tighter and whispered in my ear, “I am going to love you until you can love yourself.”
Ewwwwww gross! What have I got myself into?
But like with the acting class, something kept me going back for more. And it wasn’t just her; everyone in our spiritual development classes (okay Twelve Step meetings) would wrap their arms around me.
They showed me more unconditional love than one person should ever have to endure.
But little by little, I started to soften to their hugs. The transformation was so slow and subtle that I didn’t even notice it happened. Until, one day when I attended an off-site work conference with my company.
I was running late, but luckily there was a complimentary valet. I tossed him my keys and he pointed me in the direction of the convention room. I turned one corner and then another. It was further than I thought. My boss was going to kill me!
As I turned the next corner, I was so relieved to see Derek, my friendly co-worker who everyone loved. I rushed over to him and that’s when it happened—I threw my arms around my colleague and pulled him in tight. Oddly, he stiffened up and pulled away.
Just then, my mind flashed to the mandatory sexual harassment video we had recently watched. I think this was one of the scenarios! Darren looked stunned as we found our seats.
As I sat there in the conference room—bright red—it dawned me just how so far I had come. So far that I was now accidentally hugging co-workers (who were only opening their arms to usher me inside).
I laughed and felt this comforting warmth fill me. I guess I was capable of connection. I guess I wasn’t inadequate after all.
None of us are. But intimacy doesn’t come naturally for a lot of people. Many of us have to work for it. Or better, work to break down the defenses that keep closeness at an arm’s distance.
So, we’re the ones sitting in the front row at Marianne Williamson talks. We’re the ones cutting out inspirational images for our vision boards. We’re the ones pouring these new things called feelings into journal after journal. We’re the ones buying ourselves flowers.
I have proof that all of the work is worth it though. And, I am marrying this beautiful person in a few short weeks.
We all laughed, but maybe Stuart Smalley had it right all along. So, please repeat after me: “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone It, people like me!”
Oh, and co-worker Derek never did file a complaint.
Photo by deneers
About Melanie Reno
You may recognize Melanie Reno from “Comedy Central,” but she doubts it. Melanie produces and hosts the female storytelling show, “That Time of the Month.” Her goal is to become the Poster Girl for Anxiety. Check out her blog The Nail Biter.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I really, really, really enjoyed this. I remember talking to my counselor and asking her how typically the hug usually goes – “What are the parameters for a hug?” I would ask, like it’s this logical explanable thing. Like you, my family was never very physically affectionate but neither were my friends in school. I didn’t want my own kids growing up being uncomfortable with it, because in truth I think hugs are pretty nice. Strangely, I’ve become comfortable with hugging my kids but when you wrote about accidentally hugging your coworker I was mortified. I can’t imagine that. I’m glad you made progress with hugging. It really is nice once it’s not a terrifying experience.
Melanie,
Thanks to your post, I can now better understand how many non-huggers may feel.
Indeed, feeling vulnerable is a scary thing and perhaps learning to love ourselves can be even scarier.
Great post.
All of my friends poke fun at me for being the “non-hugger” of the group. I have always been that way. I have one friend who refuses to care about my no touchy feely policy, she hugs me every chance she gets. Hard. I never thought of my hug avoiding as a fear of intimacy, but as I read your article I cried. “I’m going to love you until you can love yourself.” What a beautiful thing to say, and to hear. After reading this I want to work on my intimacy issues and one day be able to say those words to someone, mean them, and follow through with them. Thank you for sharing this, it truly sparked an “ah-ha” moment for me. I think next time I see my friend, I will hug her. hard. Thank you.
This hit home for me! Your teen years and family sound like they were written out of my life story. Some of my friends even have jokes about ‘awkward hugs’ or ‘hand hugs’ with me. I just have always felt uncomfortable being hugged or even holding hands – being outwardly affectionate is not natural for me and always feels and comes out forced. I can also probably cound on 2 hands the number of times I have vocally told my boyfriend I love him and we have been together for almost 2 years. The words also never feel natural. I guess never thought to wonder why I have such an aversion to intimacy. I too don’t have a traumatic background. But, I never equated my ‘issue’ to a fear of intimacy. This article has helped me start to reflect on what it is that I’m afraid of…though it’s really just a starting point…I dream of the day I’m able to love openly and hug freely!!!
I’m autistic and very much dislike hugs from people that I don’t know very, very well. I used to feel bad, and self conscious about it, but anymore I have decided to embrace all of my quirks and not being touchy-feely is one of them. Not everyone who doesn’t like hugs needs to change. There’s room for introverted types and extroverted ones too in the world! I wrote a post on hugs a couple months ago: http://inneraspie.blogspot.com/2011/09/different-perspectives-hugs.html
I like what you said, especially “I have decided to embrace all of my quirks”. I’ve started doing that as well. Sometimes I say something that comes out awkwardly, or I have a weird reaction to something and instead of getting embarrassed, I just think, “well, everyone has their quirks, and that was one of mine”. So good for you!
This was a great piece. Even though I mostly don’t think twice about being hugged, I do respect other people’s boundaries when it comes to hugging others. I definitely recognize how unwanted it can be for many people and I like to get to know someone’s preferences a bit before I touch them at all. I think it’s sad that someone who doesn’t like to hug would have to be made fun of. I don’t understand why it’s so weird to think that it might make people uncomfortable, or that there might be circumstances or cultural differences that would make hugging unwanted. Either way, I enjoyed reading this and it’s nice to see that you were able to overcome your dislike of hugging! It is also nice to know there are people out there willing to “love us until we love ourselves”. I hope I can be that person for someone else someday.
Thank you for writing this! I’m 56 and struggled with this for years, knowing that my lack of hugging giving and receiving was from my family of origin. I too am mostly over this and listen to my body when in contact with others. I think listening to our bodies is so very important because there are boundaries!!! lol And then the hugs to and from some people are just so delicious!!! Thank you!
Love this article! My parents never hug or touch me so I became a non-hugger/toucher too. Not that I’m affected negatively or have any fears, I’m just not used to hugging people I’m not close to and feel like it’s rude to touch people without their permission.
I want to HUG you for writing this:)
This writing is laced with vulnerability as well as humor. Very engaging with a great message: You have to get out of your comfort zone if you want to change your life.
I’m very glad you were able to work through it. Hugging has a lot of benefits for health too.
Yep! sounds familiar. Still working on it but I definitely feel better that I’m not the only one that does this. And I also thought hugs felt fake but will work on keeping a warm embrace for friends n family. Thx for sharing
Whoa, hold the phone as a nonhugger I want to say some of us just don’t want peoples germs, them rubbing themselves on us, or even care to get that personal with the general population. It’s not about loving myself, or being able to be intimate. And as far as hugging colleague, please be careful there are those out there that will file a sexual harassment charge and it may not even be the one being hugged. Best of luck to you, I am glad you have come to an understanding of why you didn’t like hugs.
There
is no need to look for love. you can never find what you dont recognize inside
of you. look no further than inside of you for the love you seek. what you
might find is the greatest love of all inside of you. once you find that, there
is no need to seek any love outside of you. you will then realized that all other love are lacking and always leading to suffering in
the end as they are not real.
Hi Margie! Great to hear your insights! Yes, I think intimacy is worth investigating. I am still not the warmest person in the world, so I for one appreciated QuietContemplation’s comment about embracing our quriks!! 😉
thank you – this helped me!!! i know that embracing my other quirks has been very freeing, so thanks for the reminder. 😉
now you made me cry! wow, sharing this story is helping me get even more in touch with myself…Nina, I will love you until you love yourself!
I want you to hug me too Mika! they don’t call them growing pains for nothing I guess, huh? 😉
I would love to hear about some of the benefits! maybe it will keep me motivated to continue on this path…thanks!!
how cool that you can understand us non-huggers now! it is interesting how we can all be so different in that area. my fiance’s family is total huggers. it is fascinating to me. 😉
This is so ME. I read this and I felt so good that someone could identify with what I’ve been feeling. I’m only 18, but like your parents, mine never showed affection, AT ALL. Our hugs we shared are awkward, and I know they love me, but it’s not vocalized at all. I have a boyfriend, long distance right now, and I fear the day we see each other (which is coming soon) that something as small as a HUG, is going to be awkward. Even showing my friends any affection is hard: no kisses on the cheek, no hugs, etc.
Intimacy definitely doesn’t come natural to me. And I am scared to love I believe, because it requires being vulnerable, and open…and although I want that type of relationship, it is hard to let your guard down. I’ve never really had an experience that “made” me this way, which is why I thought I was just weird. But, I do want love, and I do want intimacy. I’m just scared of it. This article helped me a lot though; I’m looking to overcome this fear.
the “parameters” for a hug! love it! that should have been the title of this story. 😉 thanks for your comment – made me smile – now get our there & hug a co-worker! hehe
I know! germs! I still freak out if someone I hug is a little sweaty or just naturally stinky. as for sexual harassment, luckily the only person I see at work now is my fiance (write from home) & I am pretty sure he will not file a complaint if I hug him, but you never know these days! 😉
I am learning so much about people from writing this story! Thanks for your comment. I didn’t really consider the cultural differences thing ’til way later in writing this…but it is so interesting. I hope you break someone in to hugging one day too! My “spiritual advisor” was very persistent, but patient. I am so grateful. xoxo Melanie 😉
I am so glad! One thing that really helped me was to look at where my parents came from. My dad’s side had some abuse and my mom’s was loving, but not very affectionate. And since neither of my parents have had any therapy, I realized they are just doing the best they can with the models they saw. We are so lucky these days since therapy, meditation, 12 step programs are not taboo anymore! We can change the cycle! woo hoo. That said, I don’t think I will ever be the warmest person alive & I am ok with that. baby steps. 😉 best of luck! -Mel
hehehe yes, hugs can feel so fake 😉 since writing this article I have been more present when I am hugging and trying to “embrace” the experience more. it is nice. xo, Mel
yeah…it is odd to me that people I barely know want to hug OR WORSE do that crazy air kiss on each cheek…i am totally confused what to do…i even practiced with my fiance, but I still end up nearly kissing them on the mouth or somehow having them kiss my forehead. 😉 that will have to be my next article – ha! ~ Melanie
thanks! yes, I definitely still set boundaries with the hugs – it is usually with older men…hehe I have a good girlfriend though who gives the best hugs – so tight! She smells good too, so it is extra nice.
This is me all over and I have just recently realized that I have a problem with intimacy and affection :/ A friend hugged me last night and I always find myself pulling away way before she does. My family was the same way, close but not didn’t hug much and all that. Glad to know I’m not alone and hope to get better about it soon!
Wow! I felt like It was me who wrote this article… Never knew there were others in the world that is exactly like meeeeee… (lol) I am seeing a therapist now and this is part of it. For the past 2 weeks he has challenged me to hug my mother and I still have not done it. (Sad right?) Well, the thing I noticed that we all have in common is that lack of, or absence of affection in our childhoods. I had no father in the home and my mother wasn’t affectionate or verbal with us… Kinda had to fend for ourselves. With me being the oldest I had to pretty much raise the younger siblings while she was working 2 jobs and school, I guess I’d built up a wall and couldn’t dare show any signs of vulnerability or weakness in my eyes and it has carried over into my 35 years of life even still. I am working hard to “love me more….” and now since I see that I’m not alone in this thing, there’s HOPE! If you can do it, so can I. 🙂 huggggggggsss! (I think I did that right)
it’s e.e.cummings. all small letters. i’ll let you do the research to find out why so you can have your own adventure. love. your column. i pass it on to friends.
Love your writings and especially this one. My “spiritual advisor” always pushed it too, glad he did, such an amazing transfer of energy. Now I do the same with those I work with too, they are usually a little “stiff as a board” at first…..until they do start to love themselves. Now everytime I see my sponsor, it’s a big lift him off the ground embrace…..I’m a pretty big guy and he is pretty small, like yoda or something. Thanks again, really enjoy these and sharing them. Love and Light, D
Very interesting post. I’d like to bring in another perspective to this issue. My wife is literally how you described yourself in this post, whereas I am completely on the other side of the spectrum. I was brought up in a family with some might say exaggerated levels of outward affection between my mom and dad and myself. As a result I find kissing, hugging, and verbalising love and affection in a relationship as a natural and even a necessary element in any loving relationship, and especially in a marriage. Not the case with my wife’s family. There was very little physical and verbal affection between them, and as a result she finds anything in that regard to be awkward and uncomfortable. We have been married for close to 5 years now but our marriage does not have the slightest bit of intimacy, at least in my opinion. In the early years I tried to “change” her by making her hug me more and confronting her in cases where I thought a kiss or an “i love you” is called for, but it didn’t work. She kept saying that it feels fake to her when she doesn’t get the“urge” from the inside, and that she shows her love in “other ways” that I never notice or understand. After a while I simply stopped, cause I was not getting any affection back from her. The only time she sincerely expresses her love is in writing on our anniversaries. Now I am dealing with this void of affection in my life in my own head, and have actually got less affectionte with others like my mom or siblings as a result. I feel that I robbed myself from one of the most beautiful and positive-energy things in life. I feel guilty at times for even proposing to her when I knew very well how she is when it came to showing affection. The other thing that I’m extremely scared of is how our little boy will turnout growing up in a house with no outward intimacy between mom and dad. I am always hugging him and kissing him and telling him how much I love him, hoping that’d be enough to teach him how to outwardly show love and affection to others. The hardest thing is having everything you wished for in your life, and at the same time feeling a complete lack of love and intimacy. I think to myself what’s the point of loving someone if you can not express it or verbalize it. I have told her about these things and I’m sure she understands it fully, but more than often she gets defensive and withdrawn even more. Sorry about the long post, but any reading suggestions or exercises for her to at least open up a little bit more? Baby steps right…
Perhaps sending her a link to this article might help! Either person shouldn’t have to change completely in order to compromise. It might be nice if you meet in the middle. Perhaps you can ask her to do a few things during the day like hold your hand– for the sake of your son? And from there, if she gets used to it, maybe her affection will grow. But if not, at least you both have compromised a bit.
Hmmmm Melanie…now I’m searching my memory to see if I’ve ever made you feel uncomfortable!!! 😉 I’m such a hugger…lots of hugging…love to hug. Very well written…and insightful.
This is wonderful, touching…and funny! Thank you for sharing this so intimately, Melanie. – Sarah T.
Who is Darren? Anyways, I don’t like hugs either. And when I try giving hugs they are so awkward, after hugging people don’t come back for a second. Which I like, but at the same time I feel inadequate.
[…] Give a long, intimate hug; or if you know they don’t like hugs, stick out your hand for a handshake to cater to their preferences and make them […]
Awesome, Melanie
How exactly did you grow out of this? My girlfriend has this problem she wont let me hug her until we are away from other people she says its because she feels vulnerable…how can I help her though?
Hey Melanie,
I would like to add that to everyone who is hopefully reading my post that; hugging/kissing could also have very much to do with what culture one is from…While in U.S.; touching is a very common gesture for most ppl…in many other cultures around the world such as in Scandinavian countries & South-East Asia; people may hardly touch or show any public displays of affection & its not bcz there is anything wrong with them or a lack of intimacy in their relationships…it may just be the NORM in that particular culture!
P.S. I can really relate to this post & getting used to hugging & kissing
ppl is something I am still getting used to in my life. This post def helps put a new perspective on it…Thank U for sharing & hope u r a having a wonderful married life! 🙂
hi i am a teen now and im going through exactly what you were but i cant help but blame it on parents and people around me who dont hug me and show me affection and so when someone hugs i do the awkard standstill thing but when its over i long for it and when im really upset i want a hug but im just not used to it.i dont know what to do
Yeah this sounds alot like me right now i hate physical contact with my parents and people in general. My parents never gave me any physical contact no hugs, kisses, love yous. Yuck. I avoid having to touch them altogether the thought of touching them makes me sick. Whenever someone tries to hug me i go all stiff.
Great read.
This is me in every way sans the part of overcoming my fear. I don’t know why but I used to be very open to hugs as a kid but come late elementary school and so forth I just became more withheld and kept to myself as I had started to develop social anxiety and depression. Nowadays I’ve managed to triumph over my depression and while I still struggle with social anxiety I manage to work over it.
But my fear of intimacy is still present since I’m always afraid of what the other person thinks or I just ruin it since I become afraid of my relationship becoming deeper and I don’t know what to do (since I’m relationship impaired, haha).
After reading the article I feel a bit more confident in developing relationships and being a bit more open to intimacy whether on my part or others. I hope I can become hugger eventually too.
I dislike touches and hugs from anyone I don’t know well and love. Everyone else needs to keep their damn hands to themselves. If I were in the situation you were in I would have left the sorority. I wouldn’t have spoken to any of them again. I wouldn’t have gone to another event, ever. Nobody has the right to gang up on you to force you to change. What a buch of insensitive jerks. your sorority sisters were. Gives me the creeps just hearing about it. I think my dislike of touching is natural and healthy and normal, and has to do with my built in nervous system and sensitivity and tactile issues. Being touched creates a creepy, uncomfortable physical sensation and I can’t even wrap my head around the fact that some people experience it differently. I’m happy the way I am, I refuse to change and have every right not to chand a thing. I am not missing anything, I have everything in life I need and want. I think being contstantly hugged and touched is creepy and unecessary and I know that we all have a right to our personal space. True, some people are more touchy feely than others, but if they can’t respect my differences and restrain themselves the fault is more in them (the touchy feelies) than in you or me, or any of us who are more introverted.
I totally agree with you.
I totally agree with you. Why can’t people like the touchy-feelies just accept that being a non-hugger is not a flaw that needs to be corrected? Maybe the huggers need correcting, lol. I think those types have a totally wrong idea of why people don’t want to hug them. We. Just. Don’t. They need to keep their hands to their sides! And stop making our lives miserable! 😉
Read the 5 love languages. Great book!
I’m so glad i found this article. I never noticed that i didn’t like physical touch until high school but after reading this it makes me feel less of a freak (: all my friends always hug each other even as just a greeting but i’ve never liked any physical touch and i flinch if anyone does. Same situation as you i’ve never been physically harassed i think it’s because my family has never been physicially affectionate so i’m not used to any physical interaction. My friends think i’m joking when i tell them not to touch me but i hope i can learn to hug a friend comfortably in the future. Thank you <3